Hellobee Boards

I think I am doing ok. A couple days ago, I had a bad day filled with anxiety because I had a slight cough (probably allergies) and an elevated temp from running around and I was nervous I had Covid-19. It ended up being nothing. We have been doing grocery delivery and got no candy, dessert, or toys with our order that we wanted (believe me, I am not complaining, I can't imagine working in a grocery store right now,) and my husband suggested I go to the store to pick those things up, wear gloves, wrap a scarf around my head (we have some handmade masks coming) and I literally couldn't. My anxiety wouldn't let me. It all ended up being ok and the kids totally forgot that candy was supposed to come in the eggs . I also feel a bit guilty to be honest, because I am basically getting my full pay even though i am not working aside from answering the occasional email. So, I guess I am all right? Today is an important day to me because it represents the freedom I have in Jesus and I am just trying to rest in that today (which I try to all the time, but today is especially important.)

Yesterday, I had two goals: join into our church service online on time, and do an egg hunt outside. Out of the blue, our power went out mid-morning and we missed the live stream of church. Not a biggie, we watched it later in the day like we have the last few weekends - but I was more disappointed about missing the live stream than I saw coming. It was like it was a chance at community from a distance, and missing it in real time just hit me harder than I expected.

Then my husband told the kids they couldn't do the egg hunt until they ate "real food" (as in, not just candy from their baskets). This came totally out of left field, but he dug his heels in over it. So the kids spent most of the morning just staring longingly at the backyard full of eggs, but too stubborn to eat anything. My husband sat on the couch watching them, feeling like he'd somehow "won" this. And I was fed up with all of them, and frustrated that I was this disappointed about an egg hunt! It was a low point. But all things considered, if that was our low point of the week, I guess that's not so bad.

Today is better. And in general, we're doing pretty well. We're really grateful for steady jobs through this, that our kids are doing well, that we're healthy, all those sorts of things. So I feel conflicted when I get down. But I think it's realistic to feel all of those things at once...it's a messy time.

@caitcat: I can't even imagine if my DH did that. It would be the staredown of a century. And I've been surprised by how inflated the little things have become for my emotional well-being. Like a swept kitchen floor or the surprise kisses from my kids. I've been celebrating each day with a small piece of a symphony bar and a game of solitaire.

Definitely up and down. Yesterday was ok. The boys were crazy cuz it was rainy and they went haywire during our family video chat which was very annoying as we had to put on happy faces as they destroyed everything. They tend to be little buttheads during holidays in general 🤷‍♀️

Overall, I’m dreading another week starting tomorrow where I’m on my own with both of them while DW works downstairs. It was super nice having both of us parenting for 4 days and I felt pretty great. She, however, felt stressed and annoyed. I think when she’s away I feel stressed, but she gets to immerse in work and ignore the world. Being off gave too much time to think about things. Luckily we’ve both been going back and forth so the other can really help whoever is feeling down. Some day’s I’m so irritated and just so down on the world, other days it’s not so bad? I’ve had 2 days where I was like ‘I can do this indefinitely!’ But that’s 2/29 days. I feel guilty I’m not doing all the games and activities to make the time extra special for the boys too. I have no energy besides just getting through the day. I’ve had depressive tendencies before and they are flaring more days than not.

Last night I was awake for a long time just thinking of all the places and things I want to show my kids in this world and wondering if they will ever happen. Like if the lockdown goes for months, what will we do? Our older is excited for splash pads and whatnot this summer and I’ve had to say I don’t know if that will happen. I feel guilty for not bringing them everywhere because I took it for granted that we could do it anytime, for not visiting my family more often, etc. A lot of guilt happening over here!

Like you all, I’ve been up and down. Really bad day yesterday seemingly out of no where. When I can’t pinpoint the source or cause of my anxiety/depression it really irritates my DW.
DS (4) has been mostly great with being stuck in the house with no school and no friends but he’s still 4. So he still drives us up the walls at least once a day lol.
Work is fine. I just feel down. Blah. Lonely. We lost one of our dogs last week and that’s part of it but not all. I’m working on trying to figure out why I’ve been so down the last few days and ok before that.....

@muffinsmuffins: This is me 100%. Thankfully DH and I are able to tag-team parenting while we both work and that's bee OK, but my kid seems to want me a lot more than him and I have felt so guilty saying no, I need time to focus on other things. Even though I know it's important and healthy, I still feel bad for not engaging with her all the time, especially since she's an only kid and we're basically her entire social structure right now. Some days I feel like I've got it all figured out and other days I'm too exhausted to even bother. The guilt is nonstop!

We are all definitely up and down. DH and I work from home already, but I'm used to getting out of the house most days. And doing school with my Kindergarten kid isn't easy. He misses his teacher and school friends.

@wrkbrk: I'm sorry about your dog. We lost our dog recently too and it's tough.

@jhd: Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss as well. We don’t deserve our sweet animals....

@Mrs. Carrot: This!! Only children really need, and rely on, friends, school, and their social structure. I always told myself DS would be fine because we make a BIG effort to be social with his peers. Well he hasn’t seen a single human besides his overworked parents for 5 weeks now.....

I'm having a really, really, really hard time. Between the nausea and exhaustion of the first trimester and the anxiety and frustration of my job, I'm basically catatonic. I spend all day in bed or on the couch, I'm a totally absent spouse and mother, and I'm crying all the time. I resent my job so much. Not only for the general nonsense that all healthcare workers are dealing with, but the fact that nobody cares about pregnant or other high-risk/vulnerable employees. Of course I can't quit, because my health insurance is through my job. So I have to fight every survival instinct and walk into the hospital day after day knowing I'm putting myself, my unborn child, and my family at home at risk. And I effing hate it. If I lose this pregnancy, that's probably it for me. This was a hard-won pregnancy. I know after everything blows over I will not stay at this job. I'll never forget this feeling of my employer not giving a shit about me.

@Chuckles: this resonates with me a lot because I didn’t have a choice in this and for those of us who are now suddenly SAHM it’s a heck of a lot different when you can go to a freakin park and actually play than being trapped in your house/yard day in and day out. I’ve seen some people saying the same thing and I’m like NO! This is NOT the same thing as being able to choose to be home.

I have always said that neither of us could be stay at home moms because I NEED to be out of the house with a purpose. I’m by no means a workaholic and I actually resented my job a lot before this thinking if only I could work less I would be happier and have more time. But now I’m suddenly thrust into being a stay at home mom 24/7.. I can’t work from home and my office is closed which I am glad for but still.. I need a substantial amount of time to myself, I need to problem solve and interact with adults. I’ve read a few people saying they are loving the time off and I feel sad that I don’t. Sure, we’ve had some really fun times and my kids are my everything but as this goes on, I just get more and more sad and guilty I can’t be a good SAHM to them that makes the most of it and brings new and exciting things to the day. I feel like no matter what situation people are in, it mostly wasn’t their choice and that really sucks. It’s crazy to me that literally a month ago we went to school and daycare and work as normal and in 24 hours, our entire life changed with no idea when it will or if it will go back.

@CatchAFallingStar: Hugs, mama. If I haven't told you, congratulations on your newest bundle.

It's so hard right now. I can't imagine having just had a baby. But we are all in this together. I would encourage you to step away from all news and just do your part in protecting your family. Can your DH work from home?

@Mrs. Cereal: @graceandjoy: thank you both so much for your kind words. This thread has been great for venting, and for also remembering that we're all going through this.

@crazydoglady: he can work from home but he usually works at his parents’ because the kids are too distracting here... and he can’t be bothered when he’s working so there’s really no point in him being here

I’m mostly doing okay, but work is impossible. It’s a combination of technology problems that are making me work second-shift hours (not enough bandwidth for everyone in my organization who needs to telework) and DH not being good at keeping DD away from me when I’m trying to work. Not to mention, I’m tired and distracted so my focus and concentration are shot. I just can’t seem to find a truly workable schedule, and though my boss is very patient, I need to start producing better, soon. DH’s job is on hold because he’s in a field where work just isn’t possible right now, and I feel bad putting the bulk of the childcare in him, but it’s the way it needs to be and he doesn’t seem to fully understand or appreciate that. I’m just exhausted from getting up with DD in the morning, trying to go back and forth between conference calls and entertaining her during the morning, cooking lunch, trying to do some actual work in the afternoon, cooking dinner, doing bedtime, then logging back on to work until midnight or after. There’s no separation between work and family, and work is definitely getting the short straw. If it weren’t for the bandwidth issues, I think it would be easier to set real “work hours,” but this is just how it is and there’s not much I can do. But I’ve always felt that my DH doesn’t really feel like my work is as important as his, and because my hours can be flexible while his can’t (when he’s able to work normally), he doesn’t respect the fact that I actually do need to put the hours in. And now it’s coming to a head. It’s just stress I don’t need right now.

@Mrs. Carrot: yes! My parents keep saying, "we know this is hard" and then asking us to do stuff virtually with them or showing up at our house wanting to visit from the sidewalk. I know they're bored at home and miss us, but we are trying to juggle so many things, including a baby who takes 20 minutes to fall asleep for naps that only last 30 minutes. I don't have time to be their entertainment.
@muffinsmuffins: that sounds really hard! I worked very part time when DS was a baby and enjoyed it, but this is completely different. We could go places, see friends, walk to get coffee, and **I wasn't also trying to do a full time job from home**. I'm sure the adjustment to staying in is even so much harder if being a stay at home parent isn't your thing (which is a totally valid way to feel - I do think our family works better since I went back to teaching full time)