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I am so so sorry. I just watched DH go through this, MIL was diagnosed with tbd stage 4 cancer in June, confirmed pancreatic in July, she passed in September. It all went so fast and was shocking and hard. The kids and I last saw her in August and she was already so sick. Pancreatic is really rough, if this is breast cancer you should have a better prognosis even for stage 4.

We live in TX and they are in OH so it was hard to be far away. His dad didn’t want a lot of help (meals, etc) but supporting the caregiver is a big thought too. We tried to send more texts and photos to both of them, send a lot of cards with kid drawings, DH called a lot more just to listen, etc. He went to visit about every 3 weeks and stayed working remotely to get extra time there so often only about 2 weeks in between. He’s an only so with a sibling maybe you could rotate visits. Some of the time he was there she was in the hospital but it was such a boost to both his parents to have him present.

One thing we saw with stage 4 especially was that the doctors were not very straightforward about her time left ... there is a lot of research that doctors often mislead patients about prognosis because it’s hard to talk about. We did our own research but of course you always hope the better news is right (it was not for MIL, she was right about the median survival for her case). But I say this to say - do the research yourself on everything because your parents may be too much in shock to handle it (we helped them a ton navigating treatments, plans for home care, etc). And don’t assume you have a lot of time, that is, make the most of what you have. Now is the time for your DH to step up and let you do that.

As for yourself - for dh, and from my mom who also lost her mom young to a quick and terrible cancer - the hardest part is the waiting for news and watching from afar. I don’t have great advice except make time to grieve along the way, find friends or dh or whomever you can talk to as it goes along, make sure you take care of yourself so you can be there for your parents.

Don’t know if any of this is helpful but huge hugs and if I can ever answer a question about anything please let me know.

@skiierchck99: @bhbee: agree about the time - doctors told us my grandpa had 2-6 mo, he didn’t make it 2 weeks.

@gotkimchi: Very similar - we were told 6-12 months and she made it maybe 4 more weeks.

I'm so sorry that your family got this news. I agree with others about visiting early before either chemo or radiation take their toll or before something more drastic happens in terms of her health.
You know your parents best but helping them figure out the legal and financial stuff could be very useful. It takes time to navigate insurance and other things like that and neither of them might be up for it.
Try to have the really hard conversations about when to stop treatments, what she wants the end of her life to look like, how you all can best support that.
See about grocery delivery and gift cards to restaurants that deliver. Peapod is a great service if its available where they are. Ask about your parents comfortableness with a cleaner and help hire one.
I am this person for my grandfather and it is hard so very hard in part because no one thinks of you as a caregiver since you aren't with the person all the time. You will grieve along the way and different things will cause unexpected emotions, have them. Do what you normally do for self care and ramp it up to 11, if its something you think will help find a therapist that specializes in grief.

I'm so,so sorry to hear this. I hope this isn't insensitive because my recent skin cancer scare was only stage 1, but I personally got extremely overwhelmed by research. Another poster mentioned that doing research can be a great thing that you can do from afar, and I totally and completely agree. Just this week, I went down a rabbit hole of anxiety and finding information and researching took me hours and only increased my anxiety. If I'd had someone doing a bit of research on my behalf, it would have been extremely appreciated.

@lindseykaye: With my grandfather I make a point of sending texts and pictures just like I would with any family, so cute pictures of E, chatty whats going on with us stuff and also directed questions specific to how he is doing and feeling. I find it helps to at least keep some of our conversations normal and not about his health.
I am so glad your husband can be a rock for you and help you through this.

@lindseykaye: sounds like you are all on the same page and thinking about everything together glad you can plan another visit too - we sunk a ton of money (and inconvenience) into DH’s trips and our family visit and I would absolutely do it again

@lindseykaye: I am so incredibly sorry you and your family are going through this! I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know you have all of us here for you. Sending lots of Hugs and Love!

Im so sorry you all are going through this. I’m actually an oncology NP (but very sub specialized in GI).
1- the hormone status of breast cancer makes a big difference in prognosis (ER, PR, HER2). There are sooo many targeted treatments and median survivals for breast cancer can be many years. And with a good quality of life. Ask direct questions to the oncologist
2- have your mom get at least one second opinion at a big academic center, preferably an NCCN institution
3- random, but have her go to the dentist now. They will likely put her on a medicine for bone metastasis (similar to osteoporosis medicine) - if she needs any serious dental work, she should do it now before she begins the treatment

I'm so sorry for this news that you have received. Through all of this, make sure you lean on your husband and remember that you can't pour from an empty cup. You will have to ensure your dad is taking care of himself. Here is what I have learned...my mom had breast cancer when I was younger and I also watched her take care of both of my ailing grandparents until they passed:
-At some point, you may need to research respite care so your dad can take a break now and again.
-When your parents are exhausted, meals are.going to be tough to pull off. I would batch cook and fill my parent's freezer when I visited. I would also stock them up with a visit to Costco.
-Your mom will always feel better when she is hydrated than when she is not, but she may not feel like drinking. You may want to introduce her to a variety of flavors and types of drinks: Gatorade, Propel, Mio, etc.
-Call your brother and come up with a plan on how you can both leverage your strengths and resources to support your parents.
-Use the internet to your advantage to overcome distance. Can you research services at the hospital they chose to be treated at? Find places to deliver food? If your mom needs specific medical supplies or equipment, ordering things online for them.

These are tons of random thought gleaned from my personal family experience. I hope you can find one of them helpful. I wish you peace

@Petitduck: The short simple answer: Say what you said, just leave out the "but." "I know it's bad. It is. And I'm here in the bad with you, however you need me."

Long answer: I can only speak from my experience with my friend. For her, it was stifling to hear something like, "This is all part of God's plan/every closed door leads to a window (or whatever that saying is)/it's all going to be just fine!" It felt like it left no room for her to be honest about how she was feeling, which wasn't that everything was going to be okay, and that she had to instead answer in some way that made the *other person* more comfortable. Instead, when she said "this sucks. I'm so scared/unhappy/mad," I'd say, "I'm mad too! F this! F all of this!" It's like, you just want someone to stand there in the rain and scream at the universe with you, you know? She just wanted someone to say, yeah, your feelings are totally valid and I'm not going to downplay that. I'm going to stand here in this sh*t with you.

@foodiebee: thanks for replying. This makes sense. I think we’re just so programmed to try and make everything smooth and comfy socially so it’s hard to be involved in the uncomfortable situations.

I don’t have anything helpful to suggest, but I wanted to say I’m so sorry.