Multi-generational living « Hellobee Boards

Multi-generational living

By catgirl Jun 30, 2021

Would you ever be interested in a multi-generational home? Or do you live in a multi-generational home now?

We moved back to our home state about three years ago and our house is two miles from my mom and stepdad. Ever since we moved back we have talked about getting a duplex or two family home. We're discovering how few of them exist in our current town, a town we would ideally like to stay in. So we have recently been talking about one big house - preferably with a good mix of group and private spaces.

A large 4,000sf house recently came on the market - it has six bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, living room, family room, and basement rec room. The bedrooms are split into two different "wings" upstairs, and then one guest suite on the first floor. My mom and DH are really pushing for it but my stepdad and I seem to be a bit more hesitant. (And yes, my DH is really pushing for this!)

If we were to do one house versus a traditional two family, this house is about as perfect as we could find in our town and budget. I'm just feeling really unsure about it all, and I hate that in this market we don't have a ton of time to think about it. I have an amazing relationship with my mom and a solid relationship with my stepdad. We spend a ton of time with them but this is obviously a huge change.

So if you do live with your parents or in-laws how does it work for you? What were or are some of your challenges? Or if you don't currently but were open to it, what would you be most worried about?

Or feel free to tell me this is absolutely crazy and you would never, ever consider it :silly: All perspectives are helpful.

(sorry for the rambling, like I said above the crazy market isn't giving us a ton of time to process)

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14 comments

caitcat
apricot / 410 posts

Jun 30, 2021

I don't have any real advice or related experience that would help...but these are a few things that quickly jumped out to me as different about sharing one house vs. having a duplex setup:
-shared kitchen (how would meals/groceries work? planned together or separately?)
-cleaning, especially shared spaces
-entertaining in shared spaces

I'm sure there are loads more things, but those were a few ideas that popped in my head as things I'd handle differently in a duplex situation vs. single shared house.

We almost bought a house down the street from my parents last summer, but the deal fell through at the last minute. We live about an hour away now, and I'd love to be closer, but the right opportunity hasn't come up again. I think a house down the street is about as close as I could get though. But I'm an introvert through and through, and really need some degree of separation (from anyone! haha!) to recharge. Even having my husband and kids home all the time through work/school from home has pushed me to my limits some days.
erinbaderin
pomelo / 5573 posts

Jun 30, 2021

I would never ever consider this, it seems totally crazy to me. BUT it all depends on your personality and relationship with your family! I would not personally be able to handle having people around all the time who weren’t my husband/kids - in fact Covid has taught me that I have a hard time even having them around all the time. Adding more people to that mix would cause me too much stress. Additional clutter, additional “who balanced this thing on top of the garbage instead of taking out the garbage???”, etc.
catgirl
nectarine / 2018 posts

Jun 30, 2021

@caitcat: yes, the food/meals/kitchen and entertaining are two of my big concerns! We had dinner with my mom and stepdad tonight and these were things that we kept circling back to in our discussion. Not sure we completely figured it out yet...

@erinbaderin: That is a totally valid feeling! DH and I both agree we could never do this with his mom and stepdad or my dad and stepmom. Like never in a million years. But we have a very different relationship with my mom and stepdad. DH has literally been pushing for this as soon as we talked about moving to this area (and I thought he was crazy at first!).That said I'm still not 100% - I worry a lot about the day to day little issues, and maybe not feeling like it's my house. I would happily do a duplex, wouldn't even think twice if we could find one that was right.
Chuckles
persimmon / 1495 posts

Jun 30, 2021

Just out of curiosity, since you already live only 2 miles away, what would be the benefits for living in one home?
FWIW, I would never live in the same home (or duplex) as my parents or in-laws. We live 3 miles from my parents and that is close enough (and, honestly, I might prefer to be a tiny bit farther ). We're close enough that we can help each other out when needed, they can easily come over for childcare or we can drop the kids at their house, and we can get together easily. I wouldn't want the extra complication of sharing daily house stuff with them or having them around all the time. But we have a very different relationship that isn't always easy.
pinkb
pear / 1599 posts

Jun 30, 2021

We are considering it with my parents. But our spaces would still be separated. We would have separate entries, kitchens, living areas and all. The area we are looking at would be a home with a walk out basement apartment for them.
We lived with my parents last summer for a few months before we bought our current home and it had its ups and downs. It really just depends on each person. But the extra time they get with the kids was amazing. My dad (and mom) was so upset when we moved out. We would have no issues with my dad living with us. My mom is the reason we need separate spaces. But with my dad retiring this year and then wanting to be more like snow birds it would help both of us really. We could get a larger nicer home and they want a smaller “home” that would be looked after all the time. Our situation is a different also that my mom became handicapped 2yrs ago so my dad and mom would need extra help sometimes too.
If you can I would suggest living together for a bit and see how it goes.
catgirl
nectarine / 2018 posts

Jul 1, 2021

After a long discussion last night we decided the single family home isn't something that we can all wrap our heads around. I just can't wrap my head around every aspect of it and it seems like something you need to 100% okay with, not 70% okay with. But we are going to keep looking for some sort of two family home in our current town.

I should mention as a kid DH lived with his mom, brother, and grandparents for about ten years. His relationship with his grandmother was, and still is, incredible. He knows it was hard for his mom at times but the whole family looks back on it with such fond memories. He talks about how amazing it was to always have an adult available for whatever he needed. (We wouldn't be willing to live with his mom and stepdad because of his stepdad, his relationship with his mom is also great.)

@Chuckles: Well, honestly, I was having trouble with the one family - and as said above, we ruled it out. As far as a two family or duplex - just the closer proximity for grandparent relationship, sharing the burden of outdoor work/maintenance, ease of childcare. DH works very non traditional hours and it would be nice to have them right next door if I needed to run out or do something last minute. Realistically as they get older there will be a stage where they need more help but can still live mostly independently, and while two miles is very close it would be way easier to not have to drive over regularly. We already see them 3+ times a week. I totally get how weird it is for many, but it just feels like a good fit for us (if we can have some separation).

@pinkb: Thanks for your insight! We all lived together for about a month when we moved, and it was great. A little tricky because their current house is not really big enough for five people. I think for long term having separate spaces will be way better. They are open to some downsizing but not to an extreme, which is why we are having trouble finding an official two family. All of the in law apartments are too small.
Mama Bird
pomegranate / 3127 posts

Jul 1, 2021

My parents lived with my grandparents for years. I think it's great, at least from a kid's point of view. I had a great relationship with my grandparents and my parents never had to worry about kid sick days, or cooking healthy food after a full day at work. Eventually everyone bounced around separate but nearby apartments, and ended up in a two-family home.

I don't really get on with my parents and am not sure it would be good for my kids to be exposed to some of their mindset. But I'm still trying to let the kids have a relationship with them, as long as I can mostly stay out of it and there are lots of other role models in the kids' lives.

Life's been weird lately and I wouldn't be surprised if everything flips upside down and we all have to live together. If it happens, I'll just do my best to remember how nice it was for me to have four, not two, loving adults in my life.
JennyPenny
nectarine / 2460 posts

Jul 1, 2021

We actually discussed living with my ILs because a really neat house came on the market in our area. It was the size of our current home on the main 2 levels, but had an IL suite basement with a kitchen, dining/living area, and 2 bedrooms. Our ILs live about 15 min away currently but they've been looking into downsizing and spending more of their time traveling. We thought it would be great to have their support when they are in town, but also given them a space that we can help maintain when they're travelling for long periods of time. Unfortunately that house didn't work out, but I think that situation would have been lovely. Especially with each of us essentially having separated primary spaces.
foodiebee
kiwi / 662 posts

Jul 1, 2021

I know your situation has changed since you first posted, but while we are not considering moving in with my in-laws now, we did live with them for about 8 months last year when we were desperate for childcare and covid was raging. I was desperate at the time, but if you'd asked me before covid, I would have said no way. It turned out to work even more seamlessly than I'd ever pictured, and now I can see it happening one day in the future. I would prefer a situation with a duplex or something similar just for privacy, but living together so much did surprise me in a good way. We would need to work out a more hard-and-fast meal plan than we did at the time, and little things like that, but you aren't crazy at all for thinking about this. Seeing the wonderful relationship my son has with his grandparents now is a beautiful thing.
ilovepie
cherry / 150 posts

Jul 1, 2021

We discussed this with friends and I would do it in a heartbeat with family. I love having more helping hands for kids.
Mommy Finger
pomegranate / 3272 posts

Jul 2, 2021

I think I could live next to my parents or maybe in a duplex but might have a hard time living with my parents. We live about 3 miles away from them now and see them maybe 1x a week or every other week. I'm pretty sure that if we lived next door I wouldn't have to worry about them dropping in unannounced or always being in our space but they would be accessible. I think I would have a hard time living with them only b/c I would have a hard time feeling like it was our house. Honestly, I think living next to them would be pretty cool though. I have a great relationship with them and thankfully DH does too but we have a mutual respect and know boundaries. And I love that my kids have this amazing relationship with them too!

No way could I live with DH's family. Or probably near them but that's another story....small doses....small doses...
periwinklebee
grapefruit / 4466 posts

Jul 2, 2021

I just want to say that I think it's incredibly awesome that you have such a strong relationship that you are consider this! And while some Americans find it very weird, in many cultures it is an overwhelming norm. For us, no, no, no, no, for so many reasons, but I could imagine it being awesome with a family that understands boundaries and healthy relationships.

One concern for me with a side-by-side duplex would be aging in place, as these tend to be multi-level. Even if your parents are relatively young, I think it's great to think about aging in place earlier rather than later, as you just never know. We live in an urban area where there are tons of duplex/condo type properties. Many are split vertically, such that there's 4 levels with a room or two on each level. But there are also some where the first floor is one unit and the second\third another. I think people tend to like the latter less, because they worry about noise complaints, but in my view this would be much better if sharing with family. Even if you are young and healthy, tons of stairs with kids are just a pain... Though if there are very few options in your area, maybe irrelevant...
catgirl
nectarine / 2018 posts

Jul 2, 2021

@Mama Bird: I definitely think it would be amazing for DD!

@JennyPenny: That sounds like an awesome plan. My stepdad will likely retire in the next 1.5-2 years and I know he plans on traveling solo a few times a year, I think it would be great for my mom to not be alone for all of that. Eventually when they both retire it would be easy for us to take care of their place when they travel together.

@foodiebee: Love that you were able to do that and that overall it worked out really well!

@Mommy Finger: We actually just met with our realtor to really nail down what we are hoping to find and she suggested two houses on the same street as another idea. We too have a really healthy relationship with my mom and stepdad - which is the only reason to consider this. And yes, I told DH I'm not sure I would ever feel like it was our house if we shared a single family. So I'm glad we were able to have some good discussions and rule out that option.

@periwinklebee: Thank you! I feel really lucky that we have a relationship that allows us to consider this. Most of my mom's aunts/uncles/cousins live in a different country and this is completely the norm! So it's never felt that weird to us. We are only considering places that have a first floor bedroom and bathroom option - for both sides! Aging reasons for my mom and stepdad, but DH deals with an ongoing back problem (it's manageable for now, but we've agreed anything we purchase next needs a bedroom/full bath on the first floor). It doesn't need to be a true master suite, just an option on the first floor. It's complicating our search but it's important to all of us.

We officially ruled out a single family - focusing our search on a two family or perhaps two houses on the same street. We actually looked at two properties this week. One was in our current town, top of our budget, pretty good layout on both sides, but no garage and a monthly HOA of $800! Which just doesn't work. We looked at another one that is amazing - completely one floor living on both sides, wonderful property with pool, and a two car garage for each side but it's not in our town. I don't think we can wrap our heads around the school district, which is a bummer because the house is perfect...
periwinklebee
grapefruit / 4466 posts

Jul 2, 2021

@catgirl: Yes to the first floor bedroom - we had a very similar criteria. The house we found doesn't have one per se, but has a small "parlor" on the first floor, complete with a closet, that could be used as such. Good luck with the search, hoping the perfect property comes on the market soon!

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