... and now she's working at our local "free store", where people drop off donations of clothes and home stuff. And as my therapist says, it's like an alcoholic working at a bar- and getting blackout every shift.
My mom's hoarding has gotten much worse in the past decade. (She's the perfect candidate for hoarding: she experienced the loss of her parents young, my eating-disordered sister has completely cut her out of her life, she drinks too much, etc.) If you walked into her house you would not instantly think "wow, hoarder!" but you'd be like "Holy shit, there's a lot of knickknacks and ... stuff in here!"
Apparently the volunteers are allowed/encouraged to take stuff home and we live in a very affluent community so most of the stuff gets tossed, but still. She's really out of control. In her house she has expired food, medications, comforters that fit no one's beds, tap shoes (?), bongo drums, daggers from WWI (?!!!), clothes for my niece that she never really sees, etc. It's so sad!
Nothing I have done has helped with her hoarding tendencies. She watches my kids occasionally and I am concerned about my youngest getting into stuff (though she has always watched my kids and there has never been one issue).
I am not a "thank her for what she brings over then donate" type of person. This is beyond that. I have a lot of anger and resentment. I wish she could just be a normal mom. I do not have the physical and emotional space for the crap she gives me. She equates objects with love and when I reject things I hurt her. I GET IT. I really do know hoarding is a complex trauma response to what she's been through. But it's ruining our relationship. She WILL NOT LISTEN to me when I ask her not to bring stuff over. That's why I know she's ill- she simply cannot stop offering me things. A lot of the time I take the stuff because it's nice stuff for my sons.
Sorry, this was quite the vent. It's been bad lately. My therapist is no help in terms of hoarding. Is there anything I can do? Is there like Hoarding Family Anonymous? Anyone else have a hoarder in the family?
You might also enjoy...
-
Same boat here. When I go over, I try to do little things, like clean out the fridge or take office supplies for my classroom. That used to freak my mom out but she got used to it. It's still so hard to even go over there and see it all though. It's going to be such a challenge when she dies.
-
@DesertDreams88: Ugh. Solidarity. That used to really upset and worry me too, the process of cleaning out her house. But I've come to the decision that we would hire an estate company after we went through a few important things. I don't even care that they'd take a huge cut- my older sister is estranged and my younger sister is even more averse to objects than I am. And a lot could happen before then... I'm hoping she moves into a condo or something and downsizes before she dies. She's holding onto my huge childhood home on 2 acres with a pool in the middle of the woods. So much work.
Same. When she goes away and I watch her house, I sort of clean out some things and she FLIPS OUT. Mind you, she did this to me my entire life (rearranged my room and got rid of stuff) and it ENRAGED me, probably making me the control freak I am today. So I tell her it's payback. Wow, I'm nice, right? Good daughter.
-
My MIL is a hoarder. They moved into their house 10 years ago and have over 50 boxes that they have never opened. There is a whole room in the basement that holds only beanie babies. She can not walk away from a sale or discount even if she has no use for the items. They have added so many shelves to every room in the house but the knickknacks are over flowing and line the floor in some rooms. Some of it's nice stuff but no one needs it. A lot of it is trash or junk - like a box of broken plastic McDonalds toys from when DH and his brother were little. We have finally somewhat gotten through to her that she needs to stop bringing things to our house. We told her if she continued to do it we would just throw it away - and that made her panic. The "compromise" that DH reached with her is every time we are there she can show us things she got for us but we will only bring home what we actually want. It's not a perfect system but it's where we are for now. I am terrified for cleaning out that house one day.
-
I’m so sorry. My MIL got that way apparently after DH went to college. We don’t live close and my kids and I have never stayed at their house because most is unusable - we would stay at a hotel and go over during the day and hang out in two rooms that were also very cluttered. There was a whole playroom that was floor to ceiling. She was OCD also and it was more than they could address. She died from cancer this year and now it’s up to FIL - I’ll be interested to see what he does with it all. I would imagine it just feels incredibly overwhelming. She also so associated objects with love and I hope FIL does not continue it but he’s drunk the koolaid so long I don’t know. I asked DH if FIL needed gift ideas for Christmas and he said there are bins and bins of unopened toys he organized while she was sick - but I’m wondering how many will be age appropriate and not just stuff.
Anyway, I’m rambling but you’re not alone and I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
-
Oh man, this sounds so much like my MIL and it's so hard. Right down to the volunteering at the thrift store. My husband jokes he'd happily pay off the thrift store to "fire" her.
I have a certain degree of emotional separation from the whole thing because it's my mother in law, not my mom. And I still feel a lot of resentment about how the hoarding tendencies have impacted family dynamics and relationships...I am so sorry that you're going through this with your mom.
We recently had to draw firmer lines about our kids going over to their house at all after some legitimately unsafe stuff, and that's been really hard because my 4.5 year old is old enough that she knows something is up. We've tried to just focus on things like, "Grandma and grandpa are excited to see you at our house today!" but it's hard when she asks to go over there.
-
Growing up both my parents were hoarders. I was never able to have people at my house, once I was a teen I created my own space and had people over and just kind of didn't let them go into the rest of the house. Growing up I had at LEAST one room full of junk/boxes, usually more.
My father has passed but the only way I was able to deal with it is to literally treat it as an addiction and mental illness. I don't pull my punches and I've made my mother cry more than once in my life because we had discussions were I had to say "hoarding and compulsive shopping are mental illnesses and you're actively pushing me out of your life because you'd rather have things than a daughter". I also had to say "I cannot bring my children to your house because it's unsafe. You are blaming me for pushing you away when I have given you very specific and normal parameters for seeing us." You may want to look up this technique called "grey rocking". It's used primarily for narcissists but it's helped me deal with the guilt both my parents seemed to want to push onto me. My mother in particular seems to think that if I enforce any kind of boundary I'm the one who "pushes her away into bad behavior".
It's not polite but I've had to deal with the hoarding, drinking problems, drugs, and emotional eating my whole life. I treat the hoarding the same way I dealt with other things: directly. I cannot allow my children to think that it's okay to drink your problems away, or to eat yourself to death, or use a shopping high to replace emotional maturity.
Anyways. I totally get how hard this is. Especially because so many people seem to think "I just need to organize" or "I need to keep this in case....", "Ill eventually resell this", "this is worth so much".
Honestly I really don't pull my punches regarding gift giving or unsafe environments. I explicitly say "once a gift is in my possession, it is my property and I can do with it as I will". And that they are the ones pushing me away by constantly stomping my (very explicitly outlined) boundaries.
Anyways. I'm so sorry! This is such a hard situation because so many people seem to think it's just normal.
-
Just adding more detail. My parents went through bankruptcy and foreclosure in the 80s so I think that is what kicked it off, their mentality of "it could be useful in the future" - but the problem is, the house is so cluttered that they can't find the "useful" things so they end up buying duplicates.
4 bedroom house with a basement, attic, and 1-car garage. 1/2 of basement is filled with stacked boxes, the entire garage is full (can't park in it), one entire bedroom is full, and all the other rooms are cluttered and uncomfortable.
-
@caitcat: yes, it's so ironic because I used to get rid of stuff she gave ME to the community center and now I definitely can't donate there!
Everything you said resonated. The terrible thing is it like makes me be mean to her and I hate that so much! I'm trying to "teach a lesson" to someone who is mentally ill and just can't understand.
-
@bhbee: Bins and bins of unopened toys... 🤯 You could adopt a family and donate them all (after keeping some for your 3!)
@newlypregnantlady: I've heard of grey rocking ... An interesting approach. She really is just seeking love so if I grey rocked her, her hoarding would probably escalate. It does seem like the more I am nasty and pull away, the more determined she is to give me stuff. It's so fucked up. -
@pachamama: I know, I hope he does donate what’s useful but I’m definitely not getting involved. Sadly, the toys were all still in shopping bags cluttering the floor and furniture until dh worked on the living room because they thought she might end up in hospice at home and needed a potential space for a hospital bed. It took him two days just to get to the organized bins and some floor space ... they’ve really lost almost the entire house to it, at least 3 rooms completely unusable (like not even a path) and maybe more. It’s such a terrible illness. And she gave us so much it was unusable, and often repeats or not age appropriate ... it’s just so sad on all sides. Hugs to you.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
10 comments