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Not wanting ILs to visit hospital - long, sticky situation

  1. MrsB2012

    nectarine / 2466 posts

    I totally understand your feelings as I have a very similar situation with my inlaws. Luckily, but the grace of whatever is looking out for me, for both my precious deliveries, my inlaws have happened to be out of town and couldn't get back until we were home. I'm due with #3 soon and they will unfortunately be in town. I have so so so much stress and anxiety about the delivery as I'm sure they will be the same way, barging in, taking the baby etc.

    I think there's only a few things you can really do in this situation. Have a frank clear conversation with your dh about your feelings, how the delivery and recovery is about you, and how things will go better for you if you have less stress and anxiety. That you two need to come up with an agreement, wether it be you tell the nurse you must approve visitors and put inlaws on a restricted list, you tell your inlaws a different date, then if you are feeling up for visitors inform them ( after the fact) that you've had the baby and they are welcome to visit between the hours of ... and outside of that window, no visitors will be allowed. Once you and your dh have discussed it, I think it would be a good idea to attend a therapy session with him, and again rehash the plan with the therapist and how to go forward with it.

    I'm really sorry you have this stress and I hope you and your dh can come up with a plan that works for both of you and have it followed through with.

  2. DesertDreams88

    grapefruit / 4361 posts

    FWIW I told anyone who wanted to visit an explicit NO except my mom, and I told them that was my policy. I told them that after baby, I wanted the freedom to breastfeed openly whenever needed, hobble to the bathroom, deal with the yuck of postpartum care, and not care at all about how I looked. Thus, no visitors. No one questioned it. My attitude and face was totally "NOPE, not happening" so no one pushed the matter. I even acted like it was a crazy request (I actually think it is!)

  3. erinbaderin

    pomelo / 5573 posts

    What if, instead of telling them you're not telling them the due date because they don't respect your feelings, just say that you're keeping it as a surprise? Don't tell anybody when your section is scheduled, try to frame it as a Team Green thing but for due dates? That might be less aggressive if you don't want to confront them about not respecting your boundaries.

  4. PawPrints

    pomegranate / 3658 posts

    Just chiming in my total support for you to take a firm stand on this: don't tell them when the C-section is going to be, don't tell them what hospital you're at, tell the doctors/nurses no visitors allowed, and give them zero information whatsoever until you are at home. And once you are, make a firm appointment time when you are expecting them to arrive. Have DH (hope therapy is helping!!) ready to firmly instruct them to remove coats and wash their hands, and know that if they're hours late then you and your LO will be in bed nursing/sleeping and they can come back when it's pre-arranged. GOOD LUCK.

  5. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @ValentineMommy: since the visits are so short, would you be open with them seeing the baby in the nursery? Or perhaps if you are up for it you leaving for a walk around the ward while they visit with the baby?

  6. alphagam84

    persimmon / 1095 posts

    I would have kicked them out of the room in the situation with your second child. Like literally would have said "you can't be in here, leave now" and wouldn't have taken no for an answer. I wouldn't tell them the baby is born until you're ready for visitors this time around. I have an overbearing MIL as well and know your pain.

  7. gingerbebe

    cantaloupe / 6131 posts

    So, I had a terrible hospital experience with my first son (it had nothing to do with visitors), that I finally had a breakdown and the head nurse explicitly made clear that the only person allowed to come into my hospital room was my shift nurse (who I had for 8 hours at a time), my husband, or a doctor. Anyone else had to page my shift nurse first to get cleared into the room (which meant then my nurse would call my room or tiptoe in to ask me if it was okay for the lab tech to come draw blood or whatever). They put PRIVATE - DO NOT ENTER on the whiteboard on my door and had instructions to page my nurse.

    When I went in for my RCS with DS2, I requested the same arrangement as soon as I got to my room and had a much smoother stay. I would request the same when you go into the hospital. You can have them put NO VISITORS on your sign too. You can also ask that you be listed as private in the hospital so outsiders cannot call your hospital room or request your room number or even get confirmation that you are in the hospital. If you list as private, your in-laws will not be able to get past security if they show up asking about you. When you are ready, you can have them come at an appointed time and have your DH walk them into the ward.

  8. Bibliolove

    kiwi / 526 posts

    I'm sorry, this sounds very stressful. What I might do in your situaion is simply say, no vistors this time because we want these few days to be about bonding as a family and getting to know our new baby. If they take it personally, that is their problem and not yours.

  9. mrsjd

    clementine / 777 posts

    I haven't had this situation myself, but based on what you've said, I think any solution that leaves the confrontation or communication up to your DH is a mistake. I agree that he SHOULD be the one to deal with it, but I wouldn't have confidence that he will be able to or can deal with it at this time. I would be the one to specifically state to your in-laws that they are not allowed until a certain point. I'd reinforce it by asking the hospital staff, as others have said. And then I would tell your in-laws that the hospital will not let them in. I wouldn't care about offending them, they haven't taken your feelings or privacy into account.

  10. Mommy Finger

    pomegranate / 3272 posts

    All of these suggestions are great but none of them are going to work if your DH isn't on the same page. I think you know that and it's great that he's in counseling.

  11. caterw

    persimmon / 1445 posts

    My in laws also do not like to tell us when they are coming or will come at a different time that was agreed on so I feel your pain! DH and I got in an enormous fight about this when DD1 was born because we told everyone not to visit while I was in labor and that we would call after baby was born. Of course my ILs came anyway and brought dinner for DH to the hospital and then were waiting room warriors. DH invited them into the labor room when I had the baby at 4 am and interrupted our magic hour. I was livid- there is no reason for my ILs to see me covered in vagina blood in a hospital gown! My own family waited until that afternoon so I could get cleaned up and take a nap.

    This time, I told him if he invited his family into the room before I was ready that I would get the nurses to remove them AND HIM immediately. We had no problems.

    I would enlist your nurses early- let them know you don't want any visitors and not to even phone your room if someone tries to come visit until you let them know otherwise. YOU are the patient and it's your medical procedure. YOU and only you get to decide when you want people to see you.

  12. mamainthesun

    apricot / 356 posts

    I agree, or give them a later date or just say no to visitors. Plus how long do you have to stay with a third baby? The last three people I know who gave birth all asked us to not go visit them in the hospital but wait till they had settled on at home. Especially because they were only in hospital three days max and preferred using the time to recover properly, establish breastfeeding and meeting the little baby!
    Good luck!

  13. ValentineMommy

    pomelo / 5791 posts

    Wow, I'm totally blown away by all the responses - thank you all so much for the advice!

    I talked to DH last night and asked how he felt about having no visitors, except my parents because they'd be bringing our boys to meet their new sister. He actually was TOTALLY on board, and said if there were no other visitors, that he actually felt relieved! He said they can't really argue about it if no one was coming, and felt like it was a weight off his shoulders that he wouldn't let me down again.

    I'm still going to bring up with his therapist in a few weeks, and make sure that we are still on the same page. But, I'm really glad he's on board!!!

  14. Littlebit7

    nectarine / 2243 posts

    @ValentineMommy: thats great news. It definitely helps to have a united front when it comes to family matters. Sending good thoughts your way for a smooth and memorable (for GOOD reasons) delivery

  15. ValentineMommy

    pomelo / 5791 posts

    @Littlebit7: Thank you so much! We will be talking to the ILs soon too, and let them know what's going to happen at the hospital. I'm sure they won't take it well, but hoping that our united front is helpful (at least for us, if not for anyone else).

  16. T.H.O.U.

    wonderful clementine / 24134 posts

    @ValentineMommy: Thats great! I would also go ahead and have the conversation with DH now about what he's planning to say when they ask to come up (even if they knew the plan ahead) or what he plans to say or do if they show up.

  17. PawPrints

    pomegranate / 3658 posts

    @ValentineMommy: This is a great update! One thing to note - my guess is that your MIL may freak out over the fact that *your* parents are going to be allowed to visit. Obviously that's non-negotiable since they're bringing your older boys, but if I were you (and your DH) I'd steel myself for that reaction. Don't budge!

  18. ValentineMommy

    pomelo / 5791 posts

    @T.H.O.U.: That's definitely something I'm going to do. I wanted to give him a few days to digest our discussion last night, and then I'll bring that up to him. I did tell him the same thing I said to you ladies....that I really just want DD all to myself and soak up the first few days (probably our last newborn, sniff sniff) without any interruptions. He really seemed to understand that mentality. But yea, I'm definitely going to keep this convo going to make sure he's "solid" lol

    @PawPrints: Oh yea, I know. Even DH understood the reason behind that (I mean, the boys are literally going to be staying with them), but yea. We're definitely going to have to stand our ground on that one!

  19. lioneyes

    persimmon / 1286 posts

    so so sorry you are dealing with this. when i was 34 weeks pregnant my FIL waited until my husband left the room, then started yelling at me and telling me how selfish i was for not wanting them to be waiting at the hospital while DS was being born. (i already had a high risk pregnancy due to family history, and had a c scheduled, but i never told them the date). i'm sure the anxiety of that whole situation was part of the reason why i went into early labor that night. in hindsight, i should have just yelled back. people are so selfish and when it comes to this, you need to do what works for YOU (and your kids).

  20. erinbaderin

    pomelo / 5573 posts

    Something that we did was tell people that we wanted B to be the first person to meet W, that we had promised him he could be the first one to meet his brother. If you're open to having them visit at some point as long as they do it on your schedule maybe this would work? Then they wouldn't be upset that your parents get to come and they don't, but they would have to wait until you call and say "ok, the sibling introduction has happened" and so would be on your timeline.

  21. IRunForFun

    pomelo / 5509 posts

    @ValentineMommy: Glad your DH is on board now! I understand that you can tell people something and if they don't agree with it they aren't going to listen, so it's a tough call on whether the tell the ILs the true date of the c-section but that you don't want visitors ASAP because you're not sure how you'll feel. It seems like it'll be a much better situation to have a blanket "No Visitors" policy - not counting your kids - because they can't really refute that. And the nurses can absolutely be the screeners or the bad guys.

    I just had DD last week and we told everyone, but very specifically MIL, that we were not going to have visitors on the same day as her birth. Both because I didn't know how I'd feel and because I wanted the bonding time. I knew she might have an issue with it so I made DH tell her several times. Well lo and behold, who do you think showed up in the waiting room hours before I even delivered? MIL. A nurse came in to tell us right before I started pushing that she was there and asking questions, but she told her she couldn't give her any info and she couldn't come in. One of our doulas went out after the baby was born just to tell her everything was fine and we'd let her know when we were ready for visitors. It was good to have referees but MIL was pissed and kept calling DH's phone to ask when she could come in. There was tension and it definitely took away from the moment, especially for DH I think, because he felt caught in the middle. It made me emphatically decide that if there's ever a next time we won't tell her if I'm in labor at all.

    Anyway I'm just saying I empathize and I really hope your DH stands strong this time and you can enjoy the moment!!

  22. jhd

    coconut / 8079 posts

    @ValentineMommy: I know this is an old thread, but just wondering how things ended up going for you?

  23. jennlin821

    kiwi / 617 posts

    How are they getting access to the hospital and your room?
    When I delivered, there was no way that anyone could just walk in at anytime like that. Don't they need to get guest passes and be connected to you in the hospital system?

    No one was allowed through the doors unless they had permission. So talk to the hospital (nurses/security) and see what they can do - there must be a 'NOT ALLOWED' list somewhere.

    I didn't get a chance to read the comments, so I'm not sure if anyone else has suggested this yet

    Good Luck!

  24. gingerbebe

    cantaloupe / 6131 posts

    In your situation, I would do no visitors, whatsoever - including your parents and siblings. With both my C-sections, I was ready to go in 48 hours (although I had to stay longer with DS1 bc he had issues). With DS2 I had him on Sunday and was out on Tuesday by lunch. I was at home and situated by the time DS1 came home from daycare and he was so happy to see us.

    I would make your status private at the hospital where they cannot confirm your stay, your status, anything. And allow no visitors, phone calls, etc.

  25. cabbagerose

    coffee bean / 46 posts

    First I will admit I have not read all of the advice you were given. Work with the hospital and tell them you do not want any visitors until you are ready. Have your Nurse ask them to leave if they show up anyway. Most L&D units are locked down so they would have to be buzzed in. If they are not the ones watching your other children I would not tell them that I was in labor, at the hospital or that I had the baby until I was ready to see them. Ask you husband to do the same and as a gift from him to you, not to tell his parents. All three of my children I did not tell anyone until I was ready to see visitors except who was taking care of my other children at the time. I wanted to be physically and emotionally ready to see others. I am so glad that I did this my second ended up being full term but had a surprised NICU stay, I needed time to get my emotions in check before I saw any visitors .

  26. ValentineMommy

    pomelo / 5791 posts

    @jhd: No one came to visit, except my parents to bring our other LOs to visit. It was GREAT and I wouldn't change a thing!

  27. jhd

    coconut / 8079 posts

    @ValentineMommy: thanks for your reply! I’m glad it all worked out so well. We may be doing the same when LO2 arrives.


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