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I'm so sorry. That is a horrible situation. For her but for you too!

Ok, I must not much compassion either because I would feel the same as you. Go somewhere else! But, really isn't this what family is for- to provide a soft place to land when things are rough?

If this news is not unexpected why the heck isn't she more prepared to get her own place? I'm guessing the MIL is/ was totally dependent on her husband. He should break her off some money so he can make sure she doesn't come back if that's really what he (they) want. Are they planning to get divorce or just permanently live apart?

@Mrs tartan: I have been in your shoes (minus the baby part) but about almost the whole situation. It will be hard, but I think what you need to do is sit down your husband and set a timeline, and let HIM discuss that without her. That way you have light at the end of the tunnel. Also, make it clear that HE needs to help her emotionally through anything, because you have yourself, your marriage and your baby to deal with, which is enough.

For us it was:
- 32 years of marriage
- she broke it off
- he put her into bankruptcy (which she's dealing with 5 years later)
- happened just months after we got engaged, before we got married (had only lived with each other for a year)
- this strong woman was severely depressed because of it
- I *HATED* every moment (there are lots of posts about it)

Please know at the end of it all - your baby will have more time to know their grandparent, even if she is a sad panda, and your relationship with your husband will be 100000000x better after she leaves. Please trust me on that.

If you ever need to vent/throw ideas around don't hesitate to wall me, or I can send you my email.

Oh gosh that is so stressful!!! Get out when you can, encourage MIL to get out (maybe you can ask her to buy groceries for you? Does she have friends nearby you can ask to help her out?),...

Ah I don't know how to say anything constructive to you right now because it sounds like a horrible suitation ! My Inlaws stayed with us for 3.5 weeks when I had the baby from day one and it was really bad. It really wrecked our relationship and I still resent them for a lot of things they did. But you are in such a tricky place because she must be feeling horrible too and needs support especially when she has no where else to go. You can't kick her out. Hopefully she will try to get out as soon as possible. Seriously how selfish is the FIL though.

what a difficult situation! I agree with giving her responsibilities, it will help keep her busy and distracted and possibly help her to bond with the baby. Have her help wtih projects around the house that haven't been a huge priority with a baby coming soon (there's always something), if she's crafty have her make stuff for the baby (blankets, ABC's out of fabric, felt toys, (anything via pinterest) ) have her help make some freezer meals, etc. She may appreciate having things to keep her mind off of what she's going through, and you'll appreciate the help plus keeping her out of your hair. Frame it more of a "bonding/working together" thing so it's a positive experience for both of you (and your DH)

Looking out for your mental health is not selfish, at least not in a bad way. There must be another option...
-is there another sibling she can stay with?
-can she be put up somewhere?
This just seems like too much stress, is there any other option to explore?

If this has to be done I would be selfish and ignore her to some extent; go out and do your regular life as much as possible. Her drama is unfortunate but you don't need anyone else's depression right now.

What a terrible situation for you! I agree that if this wasn't unexpected, she should have been more prepared. Remember- you can say no, she is an adult who needs to figure things out for herself, and you need to take care of your family (you, DH and baby) first. If you decide to let her stay, I would make sure there is an end date, and make her earn her keep. I would send her out for all errands, which will be helpful and get her out of the house. I would also start some time where she needs to be out of the house so you can breastfeed without her around, connect with DH, etc. Hugs!

@reyorra: I agree completely. It is so so important that before she moves in there is a clear end date and that she is helpful and supportive or she will have to go somewhere else.

Does she not have access to joint accounts? I would be clearing them out if I was her so that she has the funds she needs to survive. I am fairly certain her husband cant just say "don't come home, good luck" and get away with it, legally speaking. That is insane. Honestly it would be better for everyone involved if you can find her a furnished short term apartment or an extended stay if she is going to need housing for more than a week or so.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. Even if there are other options, your husband may think this is the best one for the short term.

It sucks.

My MIL ended up living with us for 4 years because no timelines were set, which is why I'm saying you need to sit with him, set the ground rules, and let him deal with her.

Maybe she pays a small amount of rent.
Maybe she buys groceries.

No matter how bad it might be when it's happening, I *promise*, despite any long term resentment, when she leaves, your life will be more different than you'll ever know.

Remember, she's under your roof, not you in hers. Totally different situation.

OMG. First of all.... what a devastating way to break up a marriage! Just through a letter and telling your wife of 35 years to go figure it out and not come home? Come on! And how come she can't come home? Couldn't HE move somewhere? Seriously??

If I were her I would go home and kick him out. And let you guys be in peace.

On the other hand, I am so sorry you are going through this.... I have no advice at all. Will it be possible if you guys help her rent a small one bedroom apartment close by? Or go home and help her kick your FIL out? I am really sorry because I would go insane too Hugs

If this situation was mine. Id be doing everything in my power to help get her into her own apartment. Even if that meant paying the rent until her money comes in. You are not selfish at all. You have every right to feel that way given your situation. You have a baby on the way, that's a lot to handle on its own. It's not fair to have this put on your shoulders. Yes family is family, i'm not saying abandon the women, but there needs to be a limit.
Best of luck to you, this is a difficult situation.

ALSO - get DH to get her to a lawyer, stat, so she can get divorced and the ex can't get any of her inheritance. REALLY important.