I posted a few months back about DH being depressed which was making things difficult at home. Flash forward now, we are expecting #2 in June and I'm worried about us. Big time.

DH and I have always had a hot/cold relationship - full of fire and passion, both good and bad. The highs are highs and the lows are way low. That hasn't traditionally been my style in any previous relationships. We've been married 6 years, dated for 1.5.

We've always had difficulty communicating. He gets very angry and tried to "debate me" with facts and verbatim quotes. I of course am emotional and don't care about a lot of those things, and am hurt when he puts "winning" above the damage these arguments do to us. I've suggested marriage counseling 5 or more times over the years, and he's always refused. Ironic too bc he criticizes his father for not dealing with his own mental health issues at the expense of his family (and a son who committed suicide at age 11). DH is a big advocate for mental health publicly and at work as a physician, but he refuses to use it as a resource to deal with his own depression or our communication problems.

I'm resentful. And it's spilling out of me. We have the same stressful job, but he admittedly works full-time while I work 80-90% of full-time. But I am the primary caregiver for DD taking her to all of her numerous doctors appointments, taking on both the morning and the night routines. I just did 18 months of IVF by myself (he froze 6 vials and stopped going to any appointments). I carry all the mental energy of keeping the house functional and going. Most days I'm ok with that.

This morning, like many mornings, I woke up with DD at 7:30 and got her dressed, made breakfast, practiced letters and kept her entertained so that DH could sleep in. At 11:30, she wanted to go for a walk and eat lunch at a favorite local spot, and I asked DH, who had now been downstairs on the couch playing videogames for 2 hours, if he could get the stroller out of my trunk so I didn't have to lift it.

(Side note, he gave me this weird lecture 3 weeks ago and begged me not to lift DD or anything heavy as his mom had confided in him she had a MC when she lifted one of his brothers and "felt her placenta tear.." ok, whatever but I said I'd try to honor that as feasible).

So he refuses to get up off the couch and do this. Now mind you, he'd declined to go with us and asked if I could bring him something back. And then refuses to even get the stroller out. I blew a gasket. Overreacted, probably, told him "fuck you," yes. But it's been a build-up.

I walked to lunch pushing DD in the stroller, running through my mind of I know anyone recently divorced, or anything who would know a divorce attorney. I don't want to have those thoughts - but I have no idea how anything will ever change if he's refusing to go to counselling and keeps gaslighting me to think that I am being unreasonable and am just "emotional" and "hormonal."

Reality check: I married a lazy man. Do I need to just accept that and pick up the slack? Am I fighting a losing battle trying to get him to do more? Is this STILL just his depression which I've looked past before, trying to be understanding, but he's still refused to seek help for? How do I unload my resentment? I know that's only escalating things. And how do you know when it truly is time for a separation?

I have an email out to a counselor I saw a few times while dealing with infertility. Hoping to get in to see her on my own, even if DH refuses any outside help.