So Ellie has a new para. But the new para isn't up to working her full week just yet, and is being trained in by another school employee (floating para) who has worked with Ellie before. This other employee isn't a bad person, but she doesn't know what to do when Ellie gets upset. Yesterday Ellie came home and said that the para had backed her against the wall, got in her face, and yelled at her to, "Get over it." For Ellie, having people intrude into her personal space is really uncomfortable, and then to have the person yell... We just don't quite know what to do. I know this para from when I used to substitute at the school, so I am confident that Ellie isn't exaggerating about her behavior. I had Mr. T call the school this morning to speak to the principal, and we tried to approach it from a, "Here are some ideas that might work more effectively if Ellie is upset," perspective rather than a, "Don't you EVER, EVER yell at my child when she is trying to calm down and do the right thing," perspective, but we are nervous that it will backfire. I guess what I'm looking for here is whether anyone has some tactful ideas for handling this. This lady will be Ellie's primary para any time her regular one quits or has to take a day off, or whatever, and she will be training any and all new paras Ellie gets in the future. So we need to figure out a way to work with her. Unfortunately, my gut says I don't think she cares to learn better practices and I just don't want her near Ellie (for both their sakes, honestly).
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I don't have any advice for you but I have to say you are handling this waaay better than I would. I would be absolutely livid if an adult, esp an educator, talked to my child like that!
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@Mrs. Twine: I'd be interested to know what the Principal's response to Mr. T was. But I think you're right that you are way more likely to catch more bees with honey in this circumstance and come at it from a place of wanting to work with the school to help build the most effective relationship for Ellie and the Para. Blaming or accusing will likely be met with defensiveness and not get you anywhere. I assume this is a public school service and therefore you would have no authority to insist on working with a different Para correct?
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OK, that is *completely* unacceptable behavior, and you have every right to demand that it never, ever happen again. You can't corner a child, and yelling in her face?? Just no. What are the school district's policies on requesting a new backup for her current para? I don't think it is unreasonable to say that this woman is not permitted to work with Ellie, if that's something that your school district allows.
Ugh. This makes me sad for Ellie.
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@MamaMoose: @LovelyPlum: It stipulates in her IEP that she have para assistances throughout the day, and also that she is able to take a break when she asks for one. Ellie said she had asked to go to another room to calm down, and that this happened when the para went with her. She said the para was angry because she didn't calm down right away (!!!). So then she yelled at her. Which started things over from square one. Now Ellie doesn't want to go to school and keeps complaining of stomachache (we think because she is nervous). I'm pretty sure we can't legally request for them to provide someone else.
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@Mrs. Twine: Ughhh...that sucks. What did the principal say?
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@Mrs. Twine: oh no! Bad match
is it possible to have a meeting with this person and another professional that ellie works with? Like a conference type where you *all* talk about strategies to improve the way you *all* (secretly this para) deal with situations? That is unfortunate that this person who doesn't seem to care will be training the other(s)?
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@Mrs. Twine: (read your recent response) geeze that lady needs to be *trained*. That isn't good if ellie feels uncomfortable with the person she is supposed to trust.
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I wanted to add that you are the *best* mom!
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@Mrs. Twine: Have you spoken with your daughter's case manager about the para? If your daughter and the para are not a good match, he/she may be able to move things around depending on how many paras are in her school. I think I would talk to the case manager over the principal if you have a good relationship; otherwise, it might look like you are going over her head, but it also depends on how things are run at her school. In most schools around me the case manager is the one that comes up with the para's schedule.
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@Mrs. Blue: I don't know yet. We slept in because Lorelei's sleep has been awful. Her bedtime has pushed back to 10:30-11pm and we've tried pretty much everything and can't get it to budge. So I slept in with her, and he made the phonecall. Now he's loading hogs, so incommunicado. I called his cell, so hopefully when he's cleaned up he'll stop in the house and let me know.
@Greentea: I hope that maybe if we approach it that way and if she has some gentle training, she'll realize that everyone is better off if she follows some of the suggestions. Ellie can get really amped up if she doesn't get a minute or two to just have quiet and space. But I am nervous that this woman's basic assumption is that Ellie has the behavior she does because no one is "firm" enough with her to stop it, and so she'll be extra "firm" to compensate. It's a pretty common assumption that we have run into many times, but it always backfires. -
oh my gosh. I am so sorry for you and Ellie. It sounds like Ellie was being so proactive to take charge of her feelings (seriously... being able to admit she needs to cool down separately is amazing!). I would be so livid that this happened but you are very calm and diplomatic. I think you are right about taking a more proactive approach rather than accusatory. I am also curious how the principal responded to Mr. T. I really hope it works out
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@Mrs. Twine: ugh. I think that is the lazy adult way. Being "firm." That is terrible! I hope you are able to work it out with her and some authority or supervisor to help her (this para) learn better skills.
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@Onyx81: I don't know that she has a school-based case manager. She has a social worker, but it sounds like the avenues for dispute are a little different here. At the school, the principal would be the only person (as far as I know) who would determine who would work with Ellie if her regular para were unavailable. Unfortunately it is a small enough school that this floating para is the only one with enough schedule flexibility to be with Ellie (and her other classmates who get assistance) all day. So if it wasn't her, my understanding is that they would have to hire a separate substitute. We might contact PACER if we aren't able to come up with a good solution right away. They usually have ideas for mediation and other sorts of resolution if things are challenging.
@Greentea: Thank you.
I just try to do what I can. As we all do. 
@Mrs. Pen: We have been especially proud that she's gotten the hang of knowing her limits so well. She generally asks to take a break (at home, too) before she gets too upset or overwhelmed. One of our concerns is that if they don't allow her to have that break (and yelling and not letting her have space, to me, is not letting her have a break) that she won't continue to ask for them when she needs them. Already we went from full days in the classroom with great reports home daily to many "fairs," and, "poors," and the majority of the day out of the classroom. I think it'll get better when the new para really starts, because Ellie has said she's okay as long as the other woman isn't around.
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@Mrs. Twine: It may be a state difference because where I am at, they have a school based case manager as well. I know things can really vary state to state because if you had a school based case manager, you would know.
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@Mrs. Twine: that is so hard! It's like she's being punished for her progress and that is not fair. Seriously though, I cannot say enough how amazing it is that she has been doing that, those coping mechanisms will serve her for the rest of her life and for someone to undermine them makes me livid for her.
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@Mrs. Twine: WOW! That is extremely unprofessional. I work in a high school setting and from that perspective, the school will absolutely listen to parents over paras...unfortunately, they are very low level employees and are not paid very much. I would absolutely request a meeting with the new para and I would probably request that the other work does not work with Ellie.
I'm sure the situation must be incredibly stressful for you and Ellie. I hope the new para works out well!
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@Mrs. Twine: omg! I can not understand people who are cruel to children yet choose to work with them every day. I agree that it may be worthwhile to fight to be sure the old para doesn't work with Ellie... It sounds like Ellie has a better grip on herself!
Honestly her actions sound so abusive to me, I would hate to think of what she does to children who may be less equipped to report it than Ellie is. The whole situation just sucks
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I'm so sorry! I don't have anything to add to what's already been said above, but I just really hope that something works out for you guys soon. Poor Ellie!
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Poor Ellie has learned far too much about mean people in her short life!
@Mrs. Twine: I also tend to go the route of kill 'em with kindness. I think I read before that this school has limited resources and I understand about not wanting to be a drama queen- this kind of situation really stinks.
BUT, it is definitely within your rights to have in the IEP that the 1:1 para be officially trained in ASD best practice. I know because I have been involved in lawsuits regarding stuff like this. I have been on both sides- advocate for child/family and member of educational team. I feel like, unfortunately, that it is true that the squeaky, vaguely threatening legal action, wheel gets the grease. In this case it is a no brainer because a properly trained para would be the easiest way to keep everyone safe.
You can call an IEP addendum to discuss behavior or whatever, and just add in the trained para like it is no big deal, lol.
Also, to the best of my knowledge, there legally has to be a special ed case manager in charge of Ellie's service coordination and that person would also be the person who writes the IEPs and is your primary contact.
You have done such an amazing job supporting Ellie in being successful and I just want to poke this lady in the eye for undermining yours and Ellie's hard work! (insert angry face here) -
So Mr. T called, and the para and Ellie and the principal met together. The para apologized to Ellie, Ellie apologized for getting angry and yelling at the para (no one was forced/asked to apologize; it just happened, which was quite nice). They managed to work things through, and the next two days went really well. The para is going to have some additional training, as well, at her request. So I was wrong. I have never be SO glad to be wrong. She made a mistake and is working to make things better, which is awesome. AND-- Ellie's new para started last week and things are going really well there, too. I just hope Ellie doesn't have too many more staff changes because they are really hard on her. Thanks to eveyone who has given support and ideas-- it was really appreciated.
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@Mrs. Twine: So glad things are improving!
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@Mrs. Twine: Yea!!!!!!
I hope the good keeps going!
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@Mrs Green Grass: @Greentea: Us, too! It was just crazy because we had a psychologist appointment, and neither Mr. T nor I could think of anything really pressing that we needed help with because she is just doing so well lately. One day last week she came home with some additional homework (unusual-- usually they let us do all homework on the weekend because Ellie has a hard time with it in terms of sitting still and perservering) and she told me, took the sheet and sat down to work. She isn't on any medication! She is terrific.
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@Mrs. Twine: That is totally awesome!
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@Mrs. Twine: fantastic news!!!
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@Mrs. Twine: I've gotten unforgivably behind on you and Ellie. I'm so, so glad things are getting better and that the para wants to improve! And super
to Ellie getting to work on her homework - you must be mega proud of her!
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@Ms.Badger: No worries.
We are feeling really great about how Ellie is doing these days. Mr. T learned something neat about giving directions at the seminar he attended-- don't be any more specific than you need to to avoid excessive input. So now if she leaves clothes lying around, we might say, "Could you look in the living room and see what needs your attention?" It has cut down on so much conflict-- now she will usually go cheerfully, tell you what she noticed and fixed, feel really proud, and go on her way. I think it makes her feel more like SHE is doing something, and it keeps us from nagging.
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@Mrs. Twine: loving all these positive updates! Go Ellie! (And Mr & Mrs T for being rockstar parents)
is it possible to have a meeting with this person and another professional that ellie works with? Like a conference type where you *all* talk about strategies to improve the way you *all* (secretly this para) deal with situations? That is unfortunate that this person who doesn't seem to care will be training the other(s)?
I just try to do what I can. As we all do. 
to Ellie getting to work on her homework - you must be mega proud of her!
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