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I watched my grandpa get very depressed in old age. My dad did his best to help, continued to treat him like a normal person, took him out of the house everyday, took him fishing and on travels and adventures. When he became bedridden he stopped talking. It was hard to watch, but I try to accept it as a possibility/ reality/ potential part of life. I wish I had spent more time when he was bedridden, maybe playing guitar or reading him Kerouac. At the time it was hard for me. My dad was a trouper and took care of him. Then at 59 my dad took suddenly ill and got very sick. He got depressed and I couldn't talk him out of it. Then he took his life!

I would do your best to spend time and treat them as always. If your dad gets too down, I would encourage him to seek someone to talk to.

Ugh, first I want to say I probably understand a little of what you're dealing with. Well, my dad is 65 (about to turn 66) and he's sort of a sad sack in terms of his personality - like he's always been really moody and weird. He's an undiagnosed, untreated depressive with huge victim mentality issues and he's battled diabetes and its many related issues (totally his fault, a lifelong smoker, didn't treat it or take care of it for decades, ate whatever he wanted, etc) for 20+ years. Because of his own stupidity, he has heart and blood pressure issues, diabetes/blood sugar issues, glaucoma, almost died from not taking care of his feet and lost a toe in the process, and hasn't worked a day since his mid-40s. Like, he just quit life. We lost our house, our business, my parents declared bankruptcy, the works. He always talks about how his dad died of a heart attack at 70, so since he's been 60, has said things like "well I only have 10 good years left" and stuff like that. He's finally gotten regular treatment for his diabetes in the last year (he got on Medicare so he gets almost free care for all his diabetes stuff) but because of his poor health for years beforehand, he feels like he's super frail and vulnerable. He acts like someone in his 80s or something. If someone comes to the door, he freaks out and wont answer, wont answer the phone, he wont deal with the mail at all and leaves it to my mom or one of us to figure out (like if he gets a letter from the Social Security administration or something), insists on having all his meals prepared for him, he doesn't do chores, he doesn't do anything because "I'm disabled." He's really not, but he's just convinced himself he's on death's door. Its super frustrating because he just chose to be sick and act sick. And it pisses me of to no end, so I just choose to ignore his whining as much as possible and just not deal with his shenanigans as much as possible.

But I might understand your dad a little too. I had surgery for a brain tumor a few years ago and the surgery itself went great and I just needed to heal up and go home after a few days. But then things went sideways in my recovery and I got REALLY sick. I had to be in ICU for weeks feeling sicker than I have ever been in my life and then spent months and months recovering at home. And I didn't really feel "normal" for a year afterwards. Having gone through that, I know mentally its a huge struggle to be sick. Like, it got so bad that I got ICU psychosis (I lost recollection of about 2 weeks of my life because of the trauma). I don't remember this part, but apparently at some point I couldn't take feeling miserable anymore so I asked my husband if I could just die. Mind you, I have everything to live for and my life is grat. He said no, you can't just die. At that point I apparently stopped breathing and all the alarms went off and my husband started shaking my foot and told me to breathe, you can't just die, and then I took a breath. He said it happened 7-8 other times while I was in ICU and since that experience, he tells families of sick people all the time that its really important that someone always be there with the patient because they get so upset or panicked at feeling so bad for so long that they just want out. And in his words "sometimes, you just need someone to shake your foot and remind you to breathe." Even after I got my wits back and I was at home, I was so miserable I would say things like "I wish I were dead. I feel so awful, I'm so tired of being sick." And I feel SO bad for having said that so many times to my husband, but it was just how I felt at the time. I probably stopped acting and feeling that way within 2 months of surgery, but I never had to go through a repeat situation (knock on wood) like your dad and I was only 31 when I went through my experience. I couldn't imagine being 65 and having gone through that kind of thing for 10 years.

So it sounds like your dad is somewhere in between the two scenarios I've described above. He didn't make himself sick by choice like my father, but obviously he can choose to be stronger mentally about it. Perhaps he needs more hand holding than the average person and needs some more "foot shaking." Can you find ways to encourage him and send him love in a way that isn't emotionally draining? Perhaps regular cards or care packages that you can just mail? Harry and David fruit deliveries? Subscriptions to magazines or newspapers or send him some books he'd enjoy? My thing was my dad really needed a friend and no one wanted to spend time with him so I gave him my dog, who is super sweet and smart and impeccably trained. She is literally what gets him up in the morning and he has a companion all day long who always loves him and never complains. And I pay for all of the dogs vet care and needs and send gourmet food and lots of toys and treats for him to give to the dog. And whenever I see my dad, we just talk about the dog instead of his illness. My dog's starting to get older and my husband is really worried what my dad will do once my dog passes, so he's even suggested we adopt another dog and train it and then swap the dogs out so we can take care of Ginger in her old age and let my dad bond with the new younger dog.

I think my dad is in a tough place right now. Due to previous injuries and major surgery complications is has been difficult for him to get around for many years. He was able to walk with crutches but then he fell and wrecked his shoulder on top of it all. He is quite overweight and had a heart attack and bypass surgery about 8 years ago. Going into the surgery he was prepared to die. It was so sad and scary. In the days leading up to it, he just told me story after story of when he was young. When he made it through, he was a changed man. Much more caring and softer than previously. A couple years ago his wife forced him to retire. Since then it has been all downhill. He gained back all weight he had lost and then some. He acts totally depressed and literally just sits in front of the Tv all day long. It is so sad. My sisters and I try to call him when his wife is not around to see how he is but he won't say much. I try to visit with the kids but it is hard because they get bored and crazy just hanging out in his living room. I don't really have any advice, just commiseration. It is really difficult to watch your parents age and even more difficult once they are gone. We lost my step-dad 4 years ago and there are so many things I regret about our relationship so after going through that I try my hardest to really stay involved with my parents as I can. Just visiting and calling often and telling them I love them. I don't know what else I can do.

This is so hard, I'm sorry My father-in-law just passed away earlier this month, and actually had the opposite problem--he was really in denial, and didn't have an open, honest conversation about his prognosis until the very, very end, and at that point he was barely lucid. It caused so much heartache for his loved ones because everyone was afraid to talk to him about it. Cancer is just awful all around.