DD1 is turning 4 in a month and half. Lately her behavior has been really bad. The worst of it at daycare. DH & I are struggling/perplexed at what's going on. When she was just turning 3 her behavior was also REALLY bad. Then by 3.5 it seemed to even out a bit.
Please tell me at 4 it gets better?! 
15 votes
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
HA HA HA HA HA! It better or I'm committing myself.
pomelo / 5298 posts
4 has been a mixed bag for us. There are stretches of time that are better, but today she lost her shit for no apparent reason when I asked her to get dressed. It was a bad morning that included lots of crying and screaming. I guess I would say the tantrums are fewer, but when the do occur, they are bigger.
Overall, I'd say 4 is way better than 3. 3 was hard!
GOLD / wonderful pea / 17697 posts
We're not there yet, but both of my sisters-in-law said 4 was just as hard, but as soon as they turned 5 they were awesome (they both swear it was almost to the day for all 4 boys).
squash / 13208 posts
4 started out great then slowly declined - so much whining!!!!
She just turned 5 and its been a great 7 days 
GOLD / eggplant / 11517 posts
Three has been super challenging in my house. I'm just going to stick my head in the sand, ignore this thread, and plan for everything to improve the minute she turns four. I miss her! An evil child has replaced her.
GOLD / wonderful pea / 17697 posts
@regberadaisy: I just decided this is my life now, and steeling myself for it to be my life for a long time. That way, if it's not so bad it'll be a pleasant surprise.
Of course, G will be almost 2 when E turns 5, so we'll be diving right back in, lol! Ah well, that's why there's wine!
cherry / 196 posts
Three has been super hard for us too! I asked DS (3 years 3 months) yesterday to stop being a "crazy man." This morning at daycare dropoff he came over to me and said, "mommy, I won't be a crazy man today." Ugh, I feel bad that I said that to him.
pear / 1510 posts
I had to force my 3yo into her clothes this morning. No amount of asking, commanding, persuading, cajoling, or bribing would do it. I hate these mornings. And I'm going to have a baby in five weeks. I'm planning for the worst, but hope that LO's desire to help makes it easier. If I have to wait until four, I will lose my mind. Never to be found again. Poor LO2.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
@lovehoneybee: the tantrums, I can handle. But it's the acting out at daycare that I can't and just won't accept. I'm really at a loss in what to do. We can't not punish for hitting friends and teachers! But I hate that she seems to be in a perpetual state of punishment. My brain says one thing and my heart, another.
Yesterday was a rough day overall. I actually asked DH to go get me wine. I drink alcohol maybe, 5x a year. LOL
pomelo / 5866 posts
4 was not as good as 3 for us. It started out well though and it didn't get really bad, just not as good as 3.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
@BlueWolverine: this is hard for me right now. 
DD2 starts crying and being needy when she sees big sister crying. So then I'm trying to be calm and talk to DD1, while DD2 is crying and hanging off of me. Fun times when you're solo-ing. 
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
What's going on exactly? Is she hitting kids at school?
4 was also a mixed bag for us. My son turned 5 in December and he still has his moments, but it's new problems, like deliberately lying. The physical stuff has tapered off, but we do still have incidents where my son uses his hands when he doesn't get what he wants.
honeydew / 7917 posts
Four was much better for us. As soon as he turned four, he switched back to our lovable son. Okay we still have our bad moments (lots of no's), but overall we're in a good place. Most days are great. Hoping that 5 continues this way for LO.
honeydew / 7444 posts
I know your question is about whether 4 gets better, but i just want to say that i feel ya! I was hoping her issues were only at home, but i recently found out that she's been difficult at school too.
How do you address the hitting issue, and what is her punishment? I feel like as DD gets older, i need to change how i approach discipline.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
@looch: all sorts of different things. Not listening, flailing on the floor, kicking when told no, being aggressive with friends, screaming at teachers. She slapped a teacher on the leg yesterday.
These are all behaviors that she knows is NOT acceptable.
@Freckles: Tbh I'm not sure what we're doing is working. But when she gets a note sent home she loses all TV privileges. After bed and bath she goes to her room to play or read until lights out. I hate that we're punishing her so much and it reduces family time especially since we both work full time. But we just can't not punish for being aggressive with others.
DH & I have been talking lots about it and am not sure yet what the right move is. We're meeting with her teachers next Wednesday. It's that bad that we set up a meeting ourselves.
The perplexing part for me is she is historically much better behaved at school! There has never been aggression issues. She is not aggressive at home. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what caused this switch.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@regberadaisy: Ah yes, we went through this, and are still going through it.
My only advice is to try not to treat the acting out, it's better to try to address the triggers...which for my son is other children getting in his face or not following the rules. As kids get older, they are more apt to try to bend the rules and my son does not react well.
We also make the punishment fit the crime.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
I've heard its one or the other. My friends who really struggled at 2-3 years old had great 4 year olds, and the ones who got out of 2-3 relatively unscathed had devil children at 4.
pomelo / 5298 posts
The physical stuff has tapered off (like @looch said) but it's not gone. Just last week she hit two classmates and kicked another. In each instance she told us she was mad at them for a variety of reasons. Sometimes her emotions still get the best of her.
And yes, we have lying going on right now too at 4.5. She cut herself with a scissors last week and told me she fell on the playground. It was plausible, but her lie fell apart the more questions I asked. She finally admitted she didn't want to be in trouble and thus the lie.
pomelo / 5298 posts
@regberadaisy: Is she bored? We historically found that LO would behave poorly when she's bored. Every single time it started, I requested for conversations to start about if she's ready for the next class and it was like magic.
We've also found that LO tends to play more with the boys. And it seems that aggressive play is more permissible with the boys. She's struggled with it's okay to be rough with the boys (as long as they aren't complaining) but that she can't do the same with the girls. Her daycare had some pretty delicate girls. We've found that at real school this is less of an issue as there is more equal treatment.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
@looch: yes! Almost all scenarios are when friends are in her face or she gets upset about xyz. We have been very diligent about telling her she needs to use her words or go ask a teacher for help. Her teachers are very on board with this and she was doing so well a month or so back. She even got a star on the wall the one time when a friend got in her face and she went and got a teacher instead of lashing out in frustration.
@MamaG: I'm not sure if she's "bored"? It's possible because a lot of the problems escalated during the colder months? When they were getting less outdoor run around time? But we live in Upstate NY where during the colder months outdoor time is very minimal. It never used to be a problem but I'm sure things can change? And yes, wede very much a horse play kind of family. So I have thought that it might be hard for her to realize we play one way at home but can't at school. I'm just not sure how to differentiate to her except to keep talking about it? Even something as simple as a hug. We are a very huggy family. And we are working on teaching her she must ask her friends before giving them a hug because maybe they don't want one. Her reponse is why don't they want a hug? LOl but she has gotten very good about asking and accepting when they say no. So we're going in the right direction ??
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@regberadaisy: a couple of things:
1. I began playing games with my son and deliberately broke the rules. I used it as an opportunity to teach my son how to deal with it and explain not everyone plays the same way. It's worked really well, surprisingly.
2. We've also taught him that it's okay to get angry and that when it happens, he needs to go away from people, clench his fists and just get it out. He calms down much easier after he's had a moment to release.
We still have moments where he can't react as he wanted to, and for that, I ask that when he is calm, that he actively apologizes to whoever he hit and his teacher. I think I feel the worst about the scenarios because immediately what pops into my head is what the other parents must think goes on at our house, even though my husband and I don't lay a hand on each other in an aggressive manner.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
@looch: thanks. We have been working on those tactics. I think the biggest one right now is getting her to stop lashing out when she's angry/frustrated. They have a "sad spot" in her room and days when she's like this, she fights her teacher going there.
There is definitely a part of me that's like "why has my child become the problem child"? But mostly, I'm just wondering where all this is stemming from. If it's all "Norma" 4 yo transition stuff? I can deal with it and truck along. But my mind races/wanders and I worry if there's more at play?
grapefruit / 4731 posts
4 was way better for us! Not as many tantrums (or any at all now that I think about it) but it is more rebellious aka not listening to us and saying no quite often. But it’s be a lot of fun because he can communicate a lot. I think what other parents might find annoying is LO ask A LOT of questions but I love it shows me that he’s thinking and I don’t mind answering but sometimes it’s hard for me to dumb down answers which I’m working on.
There has been more than a few times when DH out right laughs at the responses I give LO because it’s too technical or scientific. Which makes me laugh when I realize I am doing that too.
bananas / 9118 posts
Honestly, every day that he isn't two years old, I thank my lucky stars. Two was HARD for us! I have enjoyed threes so much and am loving four. He's sweet, affectionate, and really fun to talk with. He is delayed speech-wise, so I have no idea what the developmental milestones would be for others and how much that changes our situation.
@looch: Awesome suggestions!
nectarine / 2964 posts
Sorry but 4 is way worse than 3 for us The not listening and everything HAS TO BE HIS WAY has intensified. When we don't give in there cues meltdown. I catch a breather when we were 3 and there would be weeks that he's good and weeks that's bad. For 4 I don't even remember when we last had a truly good day. I do believe that part of it is because he really refuse to nap now when his body still needs it, and he became a little unpredictable monster by the end of the day. Every day. This adds into the original developmental stuff that he's experiencing which makes it so so hard.
I am waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel too, but I am sure there is another tunnel right after that lol
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