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Your husband's behavior sounds so frustrating! My DH were in a bad place for really a couple of years due to communication issues. It was to the point where I was looking up divorce resources in our area multiple times a week. We could not agree on whether or not to have a second child, and our difficulty with communication made it impossible to talk about productively. I think the issues were always there, we just (luckily) hadn't yet had to discuss something like that so we didn't realize how bad we both were at communicating and how different our styles are.
We had to try a couple of different therapists before we found someone that my DH was comfortable with. And even then, he engaged with therapy kind of a minimal amount, but enough to make a difference.
I'm sure that going to therapy on your own will help you develop ways to respond to his behavior, but in my experience, both people need to be open to change and addressing issues for the relationship to get better. Good luck!

@Forestmaven: Just want to say I'm really sorry you're in this position. Good on your for taking the positive step of therapy, at least for you.

Does DH know that you're getting close to considering separation or divorce?

I am so sorry you are going through this and have to contemplate separating. I would say things CAN turn around IF he admits/accepts the issues and becomes open to working through them in therapy. If you tried, and he just doesn't listen/care/try, then you're probably headed towards the path of separation.

I am just worried that if he can call you such a nasty name for "nagging", that he is pretty blinded to what's going on in your marriage.

@Forestmaven: I wonder if his willingness to seek support, work on issues or be reflective of his behaviour would change at all if he knew how dire things were feeling for you.

I know its a hard conversation.

If my husband called me a b*tch for nagging him, I would be out the door. Sorry. That's emotional abuse and it's not okay. It's not okay for him to call you that if you're not a good communicator. It's not your fault.

It doesn’t sound like primarily communication problems to me, it sounds like a fundamental lack of respect for you, who you are, what you’re trying to do, on his part, which is infuriating and awful. I do think it’s shocking that you’re considering leaving him before dragging him kicking and screaming to couples therapy—and he doesn’t even know how fed up you are? (So I guess that is a communication issue.) You might think he wouldn’t have respect for a therapist, but do you really want to end your marriage without even trying couples therapy? Agree with others that you can come back, but only if you’re both committed.

After 10 years of marriage, I had long hemmed and hawed about marriage counseling. I was reticent to do it. I thought "why is this my idea? Do I have to do all the f**cking logistics for this too?" But after a rough patch I realized that it was time to make a major investment in our marriage that I felt would help us avoid a divorce or seperation. Seperate and apart from that I had been in therapy for a months and that really did help clarify issues. I see what you wrote about how you hope the the therapist tells your husband what he is doing is wrong but I don't think that will happen in reality. Watch Michelle Obama talk about marriage counseling on Jimmy Fallon on youtube. She thought she was so perfect and the therapists was like "how are you contributing to these problems?"

I think you have probably three options. 1) Go to therapy yourself and arm yourself with the emotional intelligence to deal with an imbalanced/parenting load and know some it will probably also get easier as the kids grow. This might also mean scheduling drinks with your friends without telling your husband as he seems to do with you. (Read the books the Dance of Anger and Dance of Intimacy to help with that) 2) You guys do make your therapy; start a book or articles club on issues in relationships and set aside one day a week to talk about it. You can be very clear that this is not a request but something he must do with you. 3) Go to couples counseling together. Tell him you are not happy with your current relationship and you feel an investment in therapy is what you need. Revisit your marriage vows and promises to each other.

@Forestmaven: I am glad @Tionn3 said it because I had been thinking your interactions with your husband sound a lot like mine with my alcoholic ex. Your latest post further cements this. It is unfair to you that you have to go to individual counseling first if he recognizes there is a problem. It sounds like an empty promise to me. Don't be scared to check our an Al-Anon meeting, they can be very helpful.

FWIW, I am not advocating divorce. I stuck by my ex for a year while he tried to get sober and only left him because he started to get dangerously physically abusive.

@Forestmaven: him saying he drinks because you stress him out is placing the blame on someone else for HIS behaviour. It has NOTHING to do with you. Placing the blame on you it totally unfair and is gaslighting.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Individual counselling is a good start but realistically I think you both need individual counselling and then couples counselling together.

He needs to want to change or in the end, nothing will change.

@Forestmaven: Ok, I have some more to say about this b/c I"m sort of going through something similar in that DH just admitted to himself (and therefore me) that he has a drinking problem. He's not a fall down drunk but he was drinking every day on the train ride home to cope with the stress of life and it made him sick (runs in his family too) so he stopped. He found himself a therapist and is going to AA. He's had his highs and lows but he's 30 days sober now and I can see changes. However, he still needs to figure out to handle stress as he's obviously not as fun right now. But we're getting through it.

That being said... and I want to say this loudly for a reason....YOU ARE NOT THE REASON HE'S DRINKING. That's BS. I've started going to Al-Anon. I'm still searching for the right meeting but one thing I've learned are the 4 C's. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. But you do have a Choice in how you react to it and how you want to handle it from your end. And that's what you need to figure out for yourself. Feel free to wall me if you have any questions.

I'm sorry It seems like an important first step is for your husband to acknowledge that his behaviors/coping strategies are not healthy, for him or your family, and to seek help to change them. This will give a much better foundation for dealing jointly with the household balance issues. It's great that you are seeking out therapy, but his behavior is not about you and is not your fault. You might gain strategies that are helpful for you, but for his behavior to change I think he ultimately has to take responsibility for it and stop blaming it on you or other external circumstances.

I know that depression and drinking problems often go together and each can make the other worse. I'm wondering if he's also depressed. When my DH wouldn't communicate with me about our issues and would get upset about things that weren't the actual problem, projecting onto me, etc, it turned out that he'd been quite depressed for awhile but was doing his best to hide it. It took a long time of talking in circles in therapy and having him try to put the focus on other things before he admitted what was really going on.

@Chuckles: Just curious - did he know? And wasn’t admitting it or was he not aware? I’m just wondering (for myself) how much of depression is conscious.

@wrkbrk: oh but now that I'm thinking about it, I definitely don't think that in his head he was going, I'm very depressed and don't want to talk about it. I don't think he labeled it that way. He just knew he was unhappy.

@Chuckles: So he was hiding his unhappiness you think but that’s what he labeled it? I guess it’s something to even admit you feel generally unhappy!!!! So that’s good.