If you have two or more children with a larger age gap, tell me the pros and cons. For the sake of this post lets say a gap of +4 years (or close to it).
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Interested in hearing what people have to say. If we decided to have another child, they will be at least 4.5 years apart.
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I have been wondering the same thing, DS is closing in on 3 (yikes!) and we haven't decided whether or not we even want to try for number 2 yet. If we try for #2, a 4 or more year age gap is very likely.
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my sons are just about 4 years apart.
my oldest was a more easy going baby, slept well etc.
my second definitely was not. This being said, if they would have been closer in age I don't think I would have handled it very well.
It was invaluable to have my oldest able to clothe himself, use the restroom, feed himself etc. I also really appreciated that I could speak with him and understand how he was feeling in regards to the new addition.
He did start to misbehave after DS2 arrival but 19 mo later it's getting much better. It took a while for him to warm up to his little brother but now they like to play. The sweetest thing was that in the recovery room ( I had an RCS) they brought him in and he was so curious about the baby and so happy, he goes oh my he's just perfect.
(I try to remember this when he yells DS2 is touching me!) -
I have a couple of friends with 3.5-4 yr gaps and it seems great. Their older LOs are interested in the babies and love to help. They were also already toilet trained and pretty independent when baby was born. We have a 2.5 yr gap and my son gets pretty jealous of his little sister. Right now (17months and almost 4 yrs old) they are decidedly not friends. I hope it will change soon! We also went through a brief time of toilet training while caring for a newborn that was a lot of work. I think you'll enjoy the gap.
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I only have one, she's 2 and we haven't decided yet. However, my brother is 5 years older than me, so I have experience of being a sibling with a large age gap. We didn't fight much as kids, but we also were not close at all. My mom says he was very helpful when I was a baby, so that's a plus. We now rarely talk. That being said, my DH has a brother who is 4 years older and they are extremely close-best friends. So, I guess it just depends!!
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Mine are 4 years apart. DD is in Pre-k so I get a lot of one one one time with DS while she's at school. She can do a lot of things by herself and is also a pretty good helper when she wants to be. She's great at entertaining him. He can't get enough of her. You newborn phase was a little rough because she wanted to play with him but he wasn't really doing that yet. 5 months we hit a sweet spot where he's paying attention to her antics. She loves that.
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She is only 6 weeks but so far I love it. LO1 was two months shy of 4 when LO2 was born. She loves her little sister. She wants to help: gets wipes, replaced the paci if I am in the other room, etc. She understands when the attention has to be more on the baby. So far no downside I can see.
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We have a 3.5 year gap. Lo1 was very independent even before lo2 was born and it helped tremendously (potty trained, can do most things by herself, goes to school, plays alone, etc) She was and still is a big helper.
Another big pro... by the time LO2 is ready for preschool, LO1 will be in kindergarten so only one tuition at a time!
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My oldest and youngest are 4 years apart. It is great because he understood when I was pregnant and was so excited. Since the baby has been around, my oldest just dotes on him and is a big helper for me. They crack each other up all day long. It is also nice because my older lo goes to school and can play independently. It is a great age gap!
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We are shooting for a 4-5 year age gap. My sister and I were 4.5 years apart. My mom said it was hard because we were at such different stages all the time but we lived overseas and she had very little support. One reason we are choosing to do it this way is because I mostly SAH and want to devote time to baby 2 while DD is at school. I solo parent a lot overnight so a close age gap was not realistic for us.
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3.9 years apart here. She was super excited about the baby and understood what was happening and could entertain herself while I was involved with baby stuff. We will spread out daycare and college costs a little. If we have a third we'll likely try for another 3.5-4 year gap.
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Mine are 3 years apart which has been nice but I just read an article today that says that siblings with larger age gaps (they said more than 2 years apart) may have better parental bonds and often higher EQ (or emotional intelligence)
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@portboston I think my son is similar age to yours (almost 18months). This age gap is ideally what I would want if we had a #2 (still not sure if we will). Unfortunately my husband is older (early 40s) so I don't feel like I can wait another 3-4 years if we want to have another baby
So I don't know what we'll do. I'm just tabling it until he turns 2. I am still so tired and overwhelmed with him, and the first year was so hellish I just don't know if I am ready yet (or if I will ever be).
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@Portboston: DD and DS are 4.5 years apart. The main pro for us is not dealing with diapering and potty training for more than 1 child at a time. DD is old enough to be independent and so it's easier balancing two children... she can keep herself busy and actually help me do things like grab a bib or go get his pacifier.
Financially it's also less of a strain because she starts kindergarten this year so daycare costs are spread out better and that will be the same once they get to college -
Thank you for all the responses! It great to see all the positive experiences!
@MrsADS: I know you had a much more traumatic experience then I did, but I feel similar. I had PPD and am extremely affected by lack of sleep (girl I don't know how you're still dealing with it!!) so I'm unsure if I want a second. We have the same issue of age (DH is in his mid 40s) so I'm conscious of waiting but I also kind of got past that. He doesn't seem care so I don't either. If we end up having a second it will be at least a 3 yr gap but most likely, closer to 4 or more.
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Mine are 4 yrs 1 mo apart, and it's been great so far. It's been so helpful that my son was already in a bed, can dress and undress himself, is potty trained, sleeps through the night, can eat on his own and also express himself verbally. He has been helpful to me and my husband, and he understood that he was getting a sister when I was pregnant. He also understands to be gentle with the baby.
We both work full time, so are grateful there will only be 8 mo of overlapping paid childcare before our son goes to kindergarten this fall. We also will only have to pay for 1 undergrad degree at a time.
Overall the transition has gone well. Working FT with 2 kids has definitely been a game changer, but I bet it would be harder with a closer gap. Also, for what it's worth, my sister and I are 4 years apart and have always gotten along well.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
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@Portboston: I'm 34 weeks with my second child, and my first turns five next week!
I definitely wasn't ready for another one before this. I needed a lot of time and I'm glad I waited. I feel so much more ready and calm. My almost five year old is fairly independent. He's 95% potty trained (there's still accidents on occasion), can get dressed on his own, can play by himself usually, and can get his own snacks. So I'm really looking forward to maternity leave with these two!
Another huge plus is that he starts kindergarten this fall. We'll only have two full time daycare expenses for this summer, and then DS1 will be after school care only. -
I love this thread! Whenever LO2 comes along there will be at least 4+ years difference. I always worried that there might be a problem with connection but it sounds like good news here
Thanks mums!
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Commenting to follow. Due to a range of circumstances, we will likely have a 4-5 year aget gap.
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We're one and done but I always thought a 5 year age gap would be awesome. I could definitely see how you could really be settled into parenting after 5 years. Personally I think I would be much calmer as the parent of a new baby after seeing what the first 5 years are like. I also think all the things that seemed so difficult the first time would be much easier (probably true for the second time in general) but you'd have much greater perspective.
So I don't know what we'll do. I'm just tabling it until he turns 2. I am still so tired and overwhelmed with him, and the first year was so hellish I just don't know if I am ready yet (or if I will ever be).
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