-
This might not be the popular opinion, but I think everyone is entitled to have whatever wedding they want. Just like you are well within your right to decline the invite. Unless she's giving you crap about not attending, I don't really see any issues here.
-
We had a child free wedding. It was a major point of contention with my sister who had a 5 mos old son at the time. She lived local though. I stood my ground and offered nurmerous options for OOT guests with children.
1) The hotel has preferred care providers - I offered to vet these for people. I was not a parent at the time - in hindsight I dont blame anyone for not doing this...I dont think I could leave my child with a stranger unless it was like a family members personal sitter/nanny.
2) A space at the hotel (I had my reception in a hotel) where they could be with their kids and trade off between parents.
3) That I understood completely if they did not come.We had 3 people take us up on the space at the site. Two people had their kiddos play with their husbands in the space next to our wedding. One mom was still nursing so she was able to just pop over and feed the LO. I also arranged for the spouses to be fed in that room.
My best friend had her mother come with her - she stayed in the hotel (off site) with her two kids. I contacted the hotel and arranged for room service for the mom as a thank you.
As others have mentioned - she is perfectly within her right to dictate who comes to her wedding. And you are within your right to not go.
Perhaps since not going is not an option - you could:
1) Have DH stay at the hotel with DD and miss the wedding?
2) Bring your Nanny? I both these scenarios I would drastically reduce my gift (if any) as I would consider my presents (since it is basically demanded) the gift.3) Could you discuss with other family members and see if any of them are willing to help in the child care? ie - your mom leave the wedding early and relieve DH so her could come for the party? Just throwing ideas out!
-
Can your in laws watch your daughter?
I don't think they should have to open invitations to children if they prefer no children. It's their wedding. I don't find it thoughtless at all. However, they will have to accept that if you can't make it, you will RSVP no. I wouldn't leave my LO with a stranger either, I think maybe someone without kids doesn't realize what a terrible idea that is.
We went to an out of state wedding last year for my husband's cousin. Our son was just shy of 2 and not invited. My mom was able to stay at our house with him so it was a nice arrangement. If there wasn't an arrangement that worked for us, I would have stayed home or we both would have.
To be honest, I find it puzzling when people complain about their kids not being invited to weddings. Most weddings I've been to including my own have been adult events and not a place for kids. I enjoy that, but some people may not, which is fine. An invitation is not a requirement, you can always say no to any invitation.
-
@anonysquire: I'm not sure how a personal attack is helpful to this discussion...
-
I'm totally ok with the child free situation, providing that she is ok with people declining the invitation if that's not practical. I would NOT be ok leaving a tot 25 miles away with a stranger and I would NOT be ok paying to fly the nanny out. That's just ridiculous and anyone who thinks you should do that has ridiculous expectations. I would speak to your cousin (or whoever it is who will give you crap for not attending) and Id lay out the issues and let them help you decide between not attending or making an exception for your child.
I had a child free wedding (because I don't like children) but I reached a compromise with a friend who has 3 kids and nobody to leave them with. This resulted in me having to agree to another two children attending (whose parents I would have been ok with not attending if they couldn't get childcare) but it was important to me that this particular friend was there so I gladly compromised.
-
@Cherrybee: Yes.
She has the right to say no-kids.
You have the right (guilt free) to decline.
However it doesn't sound like she's giving you the courtesy of that second option.
-
@Meowkers: since you feel your absence would be a bigger deal than say your daughter's attendance take her to the wedding. Once she's there I doubt the bride will care enough to ask you and her to leave.
I would do everything possible to minimize her impact there. Sit in the back at the ceremony. The first sign of fussiness take her away from the ceremony. Have her sit on your or your husband's lap during dinner. Bring food for her or share from your plate and not ask the waitstaff for any special accomodations. Not ask for anyone to hold her while you take a bathroom break or want to hit the dancefloor. If people volunteer that's fine, but otherwise she's 100% you and your husband's responsibility. I would also have her sit out on any formal pictures the photog may request that include the bride and groom unless either of them specifically invite her to join once she's there. I certainly wouldn't take her on the dancefloor since again the bride and groom have specifically stated they don't want children there.
-
Personally, I think I'd decline and deal with the family drama to make a point - she's entitled to have the wedding she wants, but you also have a life and priorities. I get that you feel like you have to go but you don't actually, you just have to decide whether you'd rather deal with the problems within your immediate family or with your extended family.
We had a child-free wedding and my husband's aunt and uncle, who were invited, RSVP'd for 5 - the two of them, their grown daughter and her husband (not invited), and their 2 year old daughter, and then insisted on bringing her. I was less than thrilled. (Obviously you would never do this, I'm just still mad 9 years later and wanted to vent).
-
I think OOT weddings are difficult with kids no matter what! My cousin got married when LO1 was just a year and it was kid free but he even made the exception for us and we still couldn't work out the logistics because of time of day, travelling, etc. My SIL got married when lo1 was 2 and lo2 was 4 months and we had to bring them. It was a total pain. I never want to go to a wedding with kids again! My suggestion is if you can't work it out to your satisfaction send a nice gift but stay home.
-
@Meowkers: when you wrote that there would be drama if you didn't attend, what specifically would happen? Is there a relative that would react strongly? If you know, maybe you can reach out to that person separately and maybe try to strike a compromise. Just trying to think outside the box.
It's really difficult for someone without kids to understand the logistics of childcare.
-
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: If I already had discussions about having a child free wedding and someone still brought their child, I would definitely notice and definitely care. And worrying about my daughter making any kind of disturbance wouldn't be any fun for her or for me.
I like @looch:'s idea of reaching out to family members who will get upset and not attend. I don't see an alternative here based on what you've shared.
-
My BIL is getting married out of town this summer. DH is the best man. DD will be 9 months old. Their wedding is child free. It's NBD to me, because everyone is entitled to their own day. It starts at 7 so I wouldn't want to bring DD with me. I'm either going to fly my mom to my home to stay with her or hire a baby sitter to come to the hotel. I asked the bride if she could give me the name of some of her friends who are local to the area who have kids. I'm going to ask them for babysitter recommendations. That way I won't feel as bad leaving her with someone who I haven't met. I'm also going to skip out on some of the events leading up to the wedding that I am invited to so that I won't have to leave her with a sitter for multiple days. That includes the rehearsal dinner, a cocktail party, and a bridal luncheon. I'm very close with BIL so there's no way I could skip the wedding ceremony!
-
@erinbaderin: I agree with you. I would not go and deal with the fallout from family members by saying we would love to go, but can't because of LO.
-
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I stongly advise against bringing uninvited guests. That is disrespectful and TACKY. She is trying to minimize family drama. Bringing the kid is way worse.
-
If we were invited to a child-free wedding, I would go without my husband. Enjoy my time with my family.
ETA: Maybe check to see if you can bring her to the ceremony and have your husband and child go back to the hotel for the reception?
Even if a wedding included children, I wouldn't be comfortable with bringing my son to an evening sit-down dinner reception.
-
@Happygal: ding, ding, ding! The scenario I laid out is extreme. Just as either side making a fuss that a guest must attend and a guest requesting special treatment.
-
@Alba4: see above reply to HappyGal. I wouldn't do this, but I also don't mind saying no to family.
-
Not that you should necessarily be worried with how unreasonable she is being with you but...
I would not bring your daughter to the wedding uninvited...
1) You dont want to be responsible for potentially ruining her wedding day - I wouldnt want that over my head and you have no idea how badly it would upset her.
2) She could easily ask you to leave and would be within her rights I think. This would result in you wasting the money, not being there and likely creating family drama.
3) If she doesnt ask you to leave you will be triggering a shit storm with anyone else who was told no kids when they see yours there.Just my opinion...
-
@Mrs D: @Alba4: Of course I would never bring my uninvited daughter to the wedding. No worries of this happening.
-
@Meowkers: This might have already been asked, but why is the wedding an all-day event?
-
Good friend of mine had a child free wedding and was pretty put off that I declined. The only person I was comfortable leaving them with was my parents (who were attending the wedding). I told her that I just wasn't comfortable leaving them with people I didn't know. She is presently pregnant with her first and recently said "while I don't regret my child free wedding I can understand now why you declined. "
-
This is why I just took my ass to the courthouse and got married lol, I agree with those who have said to deal with the family drama and opt out. This whole situation is so weird to me. This is why I love the bee. I get to learn about things I've never heard of before. I've never even heard of child free wedding.
-
I've personally dealt with family who regularly thrust their expectations and demands upon us. Attending events, declining invites, daring to schedule our own events in an "inconvenient" manner. Blah, blah, blah. For a long time, we did everything in our power in order to accommodate to avoid drama. Adopt boundaries and go with your gut, @Meowkers: Your cousin totally gets to make the call about her wedding, but you get to decide what works for you and yours. It doesn't sound like attending this wedding is going to pan out, unless circumstances change. I'd simply reach out or respond to naysayers; "I realize it's disappointing that we can't make it. We are bummed to miss it and are so very happy for Cousin. But we've got to do that's best for our family. Unfortunately, it's just not going to work logistically/financially/emotionally. Hope you can understand!"
-
I think it's fine to have a childfree wedding but the bride should understand you then might not be able to come. But I understand why you're upset since you say you are basically required to go by family members.
Where will the drama be coming from if you don't go?
I just wouldn't go. Seriously, I wouldn't go unless I actually wanted to get away from my DH and kids
I'm not someone who enjoys traveling alone.
-
I'm going to throw out a strange option - how would you feel about renting an RV and finding a place either "on-site" or very close to park it? Then you can either "pop-in" on the sitter or you and DH can take turns (probably some other family members could too?)
-
@Meowkers: Maybe it was already suggested but could your nanny stay at home with your LO to save the airfare and extra expenses?
I get how you're feeling. We got a full snail mail letter explaining our friends' childfree wedding choice. Ouch. LO2 was a few weeks old. DH planned to attend alone. It was stressful planning the weekend alone with the kids. A few hours before he was supposed to fly out I got mastitis and had to go straight to bed so he ended up staying home to take care of the kids anyway. It was a big headache and we decided not to try again until the kids were older.
-
We had a child-free wedding, making an exception for infants (we had several friends/family with newborns who were nursing). One of my coworkers had a 2 year old and lived about 2 hours away. We recommended our neighbor's daughter, who we'd known for years, to babysit her son. She took us up on it - her son had a blast with the babysitter, and she and her husband were able to have a night out.
I felt badly saying no, but we had to stand firm. If we allowed one older child, then my MIL would have bitched about my BIL's kids not being invited and my step-sister would have bitched about her kids not being invited. It would have opened up an ugly can of worms that I didn't feel like dealing with.
As others have said, she has the right to whatever kind of wedding she wants. Your choice is go without your daughter, or don't go and deal with whatever family drama. But to say she's being nuts isn't really fair. She just wants her wedding to be the way she wants it. Nothing unreasonable about that.
-
@Meowkers: You just wanted to rant because you are feeling frustrated right? Sorry this is happening to you! I know it's annoying. It's a tough situation. If only she got married later in life or earlier or if it wasn't out of town or if you were comfortable with anyone taking care of your LO overnight. Grrr! Just bad timing.
*big hugs*
-
My best friend got married in Maui and me and our other best friend both had babies in the 13-16 month range. He made similar offers to have a babysitter available if we needed it (and he genuinely meant it), but just because of how my son is, I wasn't comfortable with that. The other friend left their child behind with their caretaker and made it a child-free trip, and we hauled my parents out to Hawaii with us at great expense so DH and I could both attend. DH was not comfortable leaving DS an ocean away for 5 days.
Would you be willing to pay your nanny to stay with your child at home? That way you don't have to take her with you and you'd know they were in a secure/familiar environment while you were gone.
-
Shitty!!
I feel like it's fine if she wants child free, but then there can't be fall out if you can't come because of it. DHs cousin couldn't come to our wedding because it was child free. Her kids were 4, 2.5 and 1 at the time. I totally understood and also totally didn't want them there
I wouldn't go or would go and leave my husband home. Sorry you're dealing with this. Sounds like a pain. I would also never be comfortable leaving my kid in a hotel with someone I didn't know. He would lose his mind and I wouldn't be able to enjoy my time because I'd be worried about him.
-
Here are you options:
1 - Leave your husband home with your LO and attend the wedding solo.
2 - Tell the bride you can't come if your LO can't come. Let her decide if you and your LO are coming or not.
If you do 2 and she says your LO still can't come, I don't see how she (or anyone) can be mad that you didn't show. You made it clear you wouldn't be able to attend without your LO and left the decision up to the bride, who decided a childless wedding was more important to her than having you there. No one can argue with that!
-
We had this same situation last summer. My best friend from college was getting married and having a child free wedding. We traveled over 5000 miles to attend (from central Europe to the western US) with our children in tow. However, my friend helped find a babysitter (her nephew's girlfriend) and she watched our kids in the hotel room. It went perfectly fine. This was a wedding I was not willing to miss, so I was prepared to figure and pay for the logistics. I think you either have to decline or figure out a childcare situation that you are comfortable with.
-
@Jackiedavis87: lol, wedding planning was so stressful that we did a 180 and just had the VIPs come see us getting married on the beach. Seriously, everyone had an opinion and at that point I didn't to spend a dime on anyone that shared a negative comment about a party I was hosting. Even if we could have afforded to invite everyone that wanted to come that would have meant a change in our preferred venue due to space constraints.
@Meowkers: since you will honor the bride's wishes and plan to please the fam, what will you do? You're stuck in a rock & a hard place.
-
@Ms.Badger: Wow way to think outside the box! While I love the creative suggestion, honestly, I'm just not willing to sink more money and energy into it. We're already spending $$$ to take time off, pay for airfare, hotel, gift, meals, rental car, etc. It's just too much.
For everyone saying just don 't go: I just texted my parents saying "what if I just do go to the wedding?" my mom called in 2.5 seconds telling me it's my choice but to be prepared for all sorts of drama, guilt, hurt feelings, and fall out from my aunt and that side of the family. They are basically are closest relatives in terms of our relationship so this would be pretty devastating to my dad (his family) to have all this drama with them.
-
@Raindrop: Yup. Just feeling frustrated and needed to get it out. Thanks for understanding. If the wedding wasn't in the middle of nowhere and had a space close by I would totally be ok with leaving DD with a sitter. It's just like a perfect storm of inconvenience.
-
@gingerbebe@Corduroy: I've though about leaving the nanny at our house with DD. The problem with that is that literally everyone I trust to make emergency decisions for DD, (me, DH, and my parents) would be out of town so god forbid there was an emergency, there would not be anyone there.
-
@Meowkers: I get that
hurt feelings and all. But honestly when your cousin has her own kids she'll understand why you declined. You'll only deal with the drama till then
-
@Meowkers: So...reading @Adira: response she has a very good point. Send an email or text to your cousin (evidence!) indicating that you have tried to figure this out and what you have come to is that either you can attend with LO (assure her you will make every effort to have her not disrupt the day) or you cannot attend. Apologize...be very cordial...but be very clear its this or that...then ask her what she prefers. Leave it in her court. When she replies - its on her. If she still says no DD you can share with your Dad or her family (aunts uncles) "she told us not to come"...just a thought...
-
@Jackiedavis87: hahaha Cousin won't be having kids (long story). She won't ever get it. Oh well. Thanks for understanding. I didn't mean to start a huge debate. I just wanted to vent.
-
@Meowkers: It boils down to: you are a grown woman and you get to decide what you want to do for yourself and your family. Would you rather attend the wedding alone, or stay with your family and deal with some drama? No one else gets to make that choice but you and your husband. Believe me, I understand family drama. When my husband's sister got married, my MIL planned the bridal shower without checking the dates with us. It turned out we already had a trip to Vegas booked for that weekend and my parents we flying in to town to watch our daughter. It was too many moving pieces to reschedule. My MIL and SIL threw a FIT and tried to guilt the hell out of my husband so he would change the trip. I in no way shape or form expected them to plan the shower around me, but I also believe that if it was THAT important to them that we attend, they could have checked with us before nailing down a date and then demanding me accommodate. We politely said no, and stood our ground. They eventually got over it. Don't let fear of dramatic family members dictate your choices. Now, if you really WANT to attend the wedding, then you have to do so within the parameters set by the bride and deal with it because it's her day and not yours.
I'm not someone who enjoys traveling alone.
*big hugs*
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
109 comments