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OK I’m totally going against the grain here but….

I never understood all the talk about “you can have whatever wedding you want”. It just seems so self-centered to say that and personally, I don’t see the big deal about having kids aged 3 and under attend a wedding. It’s typically the older kids that cause more trouble, because let’s face it, the parents want to have a good time at the wedding so they let their kids run amock while they’re having cocktails.

We had a formal wedding and only let our friends/family with small kids bring their kids. Our event coordinator wasn’t thrilled with the idea but it worked out great. Luckily on the 1st floor of the banquet hall was a huge sitting room with TV next to the bridal suite. So we hired 2 babysitters that my sister used for her own kids and all of the small kids and babies hung out here while their parents enjoyed their night. In total I think there were 5-6 little ones. It was such a nice set-up because the parents could come downstairs easily to check up on their kids. We even had pack n plays.

Can you make this suggestion to your cousin? Is there a side room in the barn that your daughter and the babysitter can hang out?

And I'd like to also add that it doesn't say much about our family values when you ladies advise this cousin is allowed to have the wedding she wants. I mean, come on, this cousin values this silly rule over her own beloved cousin???

@oldsoulmama: How is saying "no children" any more self-centered than you saying "only children 3 and under"?

RE: no one being in town if something were to happen: but you trust your nanny and will have a cell phone; while it is not the perfect solution maybe it is the most cost-effective one. In the case of an emergency your nanny could take her to the ER and you could get there. It is such a tough situation but I think you either trust the nanny, leave your DH at home, or pay the extra money to bring the nanny along.

@oldsoulmama: It's not a silly rule--there are many different reasons as to why people choose to have a childless wedding.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: ahh. Got it. Point well made.

I don't know about giving an ultimatum, which is what saying "it's either my baby or nothing," is. That seems like a good way to heighten tensions and put her in a weird position.

@oldsoulmama: It's not against the grain, it's just your preference. My ideal wedding was to have everyone I loved there, including full families, kids and all. But that was my preference. Others prefer no kids and that's theirs. One isn't any better or worse than the other.

WOuld one of your parents go to the ceremony + have dinner and then go back to the hotel where your DH and kid would be, and switch so you and your husband could have a mini date night?

Whoever stays with your child might not be "stuck" in the hotel all day - there is probably a park or library or something - even a mall with a playset - somewhere in the vicinity of the hotel.

@Meowkers: I feel ya about the emergencies. We always leave a notarized medical release on the fridge when we leave our son with someone (which is very rare), but the caretaker is instructed to call us on the phone so we can basically dictate the instructions while they are physically there to sign-off on anything. Its not perfect, but again, we rarely leave him.

@Meowkers: oh my! I totally see the need to vent! It's such a pain in the ass to have to deal with so many logistical pieces and trying to make sure everyone is happy so you don't have to handle the fallout. We've done a few child-free weddings and it's stressful enough even when you've got good options for child-care. I don't think you're crazy for being upset about this (and I would not personally feel good about the strange sitter or overnight nanny).

You got some good advice from others. It seems like 1) go solo or 2) don't go at all. Neither is ideal I'd probably not go at all because I wouldn't want to spend money & time on people who would be so petty about me prioritizing my own child, but I'm also a contrarian!

Sorry this thread got so derailed. I hope you're able to make a choice soon & don't have to stress too long about it.

I'm sorry this is stressing you out. I know how hard it can be to juggle out of town weddings and toddlers. My son is 20 months and we have 3 out of town weddings this year to figure out.

If it were me, I would probably leave LO at home with the nanny. As @gingerbebe said, I would leave a consent to care form that allows the nanny to make any emergency decisions on your behalf if you were unreachable. You will be reachable though, and nothing will happen!

Good luck deciding!

PS You should probably have a consent to care form for your nanny anyway!

@Meowkers: I get the need to rant! I had to decline my cousin's wedding for similar reasons, and my mom cried and threw a fit (my cousin was fine with my decision). It really sucked though because I wanted to go, but there isn't anyone I leave my kid with overnight except for immediate family and they were all attending, and DH couldn't attend the wedding either. I hope you can figure something out you are comfortable with enough to attend, but if not, I hope your cousin can be kind enough to understand. Or she'll understand more one day when she has a LO too.

Tough situation, just want to say I feel for you! Hope it works out as best it can.

Can I just rant about how I hate faux-country weddings in a barn out in the middle of nowhere? It's not cute anymore, it's inconvenient. I feel like this became a "thing," and I loathe them.

@Meowkers: I get drama I do. I have one of those type of family. But, the thing is, you aren't responsible for how they feel. You don't have to deal with drama if you choose not to entertain it. You simply say I'm sorry we cannot make it, we hope you have a great time and we won't be entertaining further discussion about it. We are making the decision that is best for our family right now. It's simple. It's on them to deal with their emotions as a result, not you.

Personall, I don't see what the big deal is about going alone. It's one weekend.

I would skip it personally. Sorry you are dealing this. I don't think I've ever been invited to a child free wedding. I think it's a regional thing. What's common here is a kids room with nannies on site.

@gingerbebe: Love that you just threw out "preach." You speak my language. Glad I'm not alone in my distaste for them.