I have a 4 year old and we have really been struggling a lot with his behavior. In the past, I felt like he would act badly for us but them would act sweet and perfect at school, around family, etc. However, today we got an email from his teacher that he's becoming a problem at school (disrupting circle time, going to the thinking chair, etc.). Time outs haven't really worked for us lately. If he is put on the couch, in his room, etc., he will just try to destroy whatever he can by throwing pillows, spitting, etc. We have also tried taking away toys for 24 hours, which he finds upsetting but doesn't really stop him from repeating his behavior the very next day. We're planning on taking away the iPad starting tonight until his teacher reports his behavior has improved but I'm kind of skeptical that it will really do much since he is only allowed to use it during breakfast as it is. I'm just wondering how others deal with the talking back and behavioral issues at this age. I feel like what worked at the toddler level isn't really working at the pre-K level. Does anybody have any great book recommendations on discipline? I should also note that I'm pregnant and due in about 7 weeks and he's very anxious about the arrival of a new family member that will take attention away from him. Some family members think he's acting out in relation to the upcoming changes but I can't imagine he really gets how things will be changing at this point. Thanks in advance!
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I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to say we are in the same situation! My 4 yr old son has been doing the same types of behavior for a few months now - his teachers let us know he was hitting and being rough, also not listening. At home he would spit and pretend to use powers like the Avengers - he picked that up from other kids so it drives me nuts when you have no control over what the kids are talking about. We've also done time outs and taking away toys - behavior will improve for maybe a couple days. I think we are going to try a good behavior chart especially since he started a new school this week. When he had his check up in June, his doctor said all these behaviors are normal for his age but they really need to stop!
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Five love languages of children.
Gave me some insights to why my son was behaving the way he was. I made some adjustments to how I parent and show love and his behavior has improved. I knew my son's emotions were affecting his behavior since we have a new baby.
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For us, acting out is almost always resolved by more quality time. For my 4 yo, that means sitting on my lap, helping me, and for me to figure out what she's worried or upset about and talking to her about it.
She does better when she feels understood and when she knows what my expectations are of her. But it can't come from a lecturing position.
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How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk is my favorite! Also raising an emotionally intelligent child by John gottman and unconditional parenting by Alfie kohn.
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Even though your child can't articulate it, I think it's totally possible he's sensing upcoming changes and reacting to them. His not "getting it" may be a big part of anxiety. Things are changing, but he doesn't really know how yet. If he's stressed about these changes, being separated from you in a time-out might be more stressful. Someone recently posted about "time ins" on HB, which I thought was a great post.
I like No Drama Discipline. Here are two great articles:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-j-siegel-md/no-drama-discipline_b_5646583.html
(Sorry, I don't know how to make an easier link!) Good luck to you and your family!
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Sorry, no book recommendations, but the ones above sound great. I also have a 4 yo and newborn, and his behavior has been hit or miss at home and school. Not sure how much is related to his baby sister, but I'd bet that's a good bit of it. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I used to, so I'm trying to have little one-on-one outings with just my son and me. He also seems to do well with a sticker chart -- he's highly motivated by that.
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My 4 year old is a real handful. A recent book that has really been effective with her is "Setting Limits with your Strong-willed child" by Robert Mackenzie.
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Thanks for all of the recommendations! I am hoping to get ahead of this before it gets worse when the new baby arrives.
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what is it with the spitting??? my 3.5 year old does this a lot.
someone recommended magic 1-2-3 to me. i mention it because there is a DVD, which is easier to digest than a book. i started reading it but have not implemented it yet.
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My DD is only 17 months so I don't have direct experience with a 4 year old, but I would really recommend Janet Lansbury, Elevating Childcare and No Bad Kids, and her blog posts. She writes a ton about respectful parenting, and has written about introducing a sibling. Here is her blog: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/03/my-child-is-not-okay/
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I second No-Drama Discipline.
We're trying to stay away from rewards/punishments because we want to (attempt to) instill a sense of respectful behavior intrinsically, not because of the promise of a reward. So far this seems to be working fairly well but every kid is different. For us, giving more love and connection works better than bribes/taking things away.
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Ugh. Yesterday was a rough day. When I went to pick up at school, we got a report that DS did slightly better at school but still didn't earn a good behavior sticker. However, the after school care teacher asked me to sit down and discuss DS's behavior at after care (his regular teacher and his after care teacher don't share notes). He's apparently been asking girls at after care to show their private parts. WTF! DH is traveling for work and things at home last night quickly went downhill. When he asked if he could play with the sink / garbage disposal and was told no, he started telling me that he hated me and tried to hit my pregnant belly. I reacted by taking away all of his toy cars. He responded by telling me that he was going to pee on the floor on purpose (which he did). When I put him on the bottom stair for a timeout so I could clean the urine he sat there and spit all over the stair saying that he doesn't love me anymore (which is an improvement over his "I hope you die soon" comment of a couple weeks ago). Am I just hormonal and pregnant and overreacting or is this way beyond what other people's 4 year olds do? He's always been the teacher's pet and such a sweet kid so this has completely blindsided me...
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@Shantuck: I'm 100% certain this is because the baby is coming. He is likely terrified about the unknown changes in the future and is acting out because he can't process those feelings. I think all the "punishments" he's getting aren't working because they're not reassuring him that the changes will be alright. I'd suggest spending a LOT of time together, talking about what's going to happen, reading books, answering his questions, and playing together.
I like Janet Lansbury for insight on how kids' minds work (she's got great info about sibling issues), Aha Parenting, & Hand in Hand Parenting. Conscious Discipline is also good for dealing with the actual outbursts.We went through this with our son too. It can be rough, but we made it through with lots of tag-team parenting and trying to have as much patience as possible.
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@Shantuck: we had a similar experience with our then 3 year old, altho it was after his baby sister was born. We heard a lot of "I hate you!" And "I don't love you anymore!" As well as truly epic tantrums--he would be completely out of control. What ended up working was taking away punishments and really just letting him work through the feelings. So when he tantrumed and got insane we would just sit with him and reflect his feelings and tell him we loved him and we recognized that he was angry, upset, whatever. It took a few weeks but the negative talk diminished. And I realized that at those moments it's not about what you think it's about (aka the garbage disposal), that's just the way his anger and fear and impulsivity is coming out.
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Yeah, sounds like maybe I'm going about this all wrong. When I asked him what was wrong and causing him to get so angry and act out, he attributed it to the new school year. He goes to an elementary school that has 3 year old and 4 year old pre-K and then K through 8th. He said he doesn't like preK-4 and misses his friends from preK-3 (some of whom are in another class) as well as his old teacher. I guess with the new baby coming and the existing changes at school, there is a lot being thrown at him. Maybe I'll try a different, more empathetic approach and see if that gets me anywhere.
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