No, the title isn't a mistype, I need advice on giving advice.

I was chatting with my stepsister this morning. She got married in a quickie ceremony last December in order to be allowed to reside in TX (loong story involving felony drug charges and the Louisiana D.A.). Her husband has three kids, and A has an autistic daughter.

So this guy is a jerk. She cheated on him very early on in their relationship (I'm not excusing her), and he's held it over her head ever since. He's crazy possessive and jealous whenever she even talks to another guy, even her daughter's father (even if it's strictly about their daughter). If she's a little bit late coming home from work he's immediately suspicious and accuses her of cheating on him. I can understand not completely trusting someone who's cheated on you, except that in this case it happened super early on in their relationship (it's been 3 years), it seemed like they had worked through it, he asked her to marry him, and then as soon as they were engaged it amped up.

Everyone, myself included, encouraged her to not rush into marriage (nice way of saying DON'T MARRY THIS GUY!). I flat out told her she shouldn't marry him. I'd normally keep my personal feeling out of it, because it's her life, not mine, but she expressed serious doubts about it and him. She did actually call off the engagement, but he called her crying and said he was going to kill himself. And she didn't want to leave his kids without a mother.

So anyway, we're chatting this morning, and she asks if I've ever been called a nagged or if I have trouble with active listening. She tells me that she's been working two jobs and taking care of 4 kids and their house (the latter two pretty much alone). She said he calls her a nag whenever she asks him for help.

She said last night he offered to cook dinner, came home from the grocery store at 7 and immediately went to check his fantasy football scores rather than start dinner. Problem is the kids' bedtime is at 8. She asked if he could start dinner and check the scores later and he blew up and called her a nag and said she needs to work on active listening.

So now she's blaming herself, saying that she's a nag and needs to work harder on communicating.

I had no idea what to say to her. I probably nag DH a lot, but it's more because sometimes it just doesn't occur to him to do things. When he does things without me asking I thank and praise him profusely ("Thank you SO MUCH for taking care of the dishes tonight, it really made my night easier and I appreciate it!), and when I do ask I try to phrase it like "Could you take care of the dishes? It'd be a huge help to me"

She said she sat down with him and told him she needed a little encouragement or recognition from him for all that she does for him and the kids he told her that she didn't need it because "it's what (she's) supposed to do" (Cue blood-boiling, btw).

If you had a family member that was dealing with a super jealous, possessive, chauvinistic ass-hat, how would you advise them? He refuses to go to couples (or individual) therapy, although she does. Separation or divorce is not an option for her.

(My stepsister's far from a saint, I know...it just upsets me that this is the marriage she finds her (unhappily) in)