Hellobee Boards

Are you asking what is my responsibility being home?!
I am not a SAHM but take long materniry leaves
Took 8 months with DD
And currently taking 5 months with DS

DD is 2 and goes to daycare
DS is 12 weeks

DH works 7a.m.-7p.m. on a 3/2 schedule
3 days on 2 off
2 on 3 off
3 on 2 off

The days he works and I am home
I do dinner and try to keep the house as clean as possible
I also always pre program coffee pot for next day...lol
Make DDs lunch for next day
I will go to store if need be

On nigts he works the next day I do MOTN with DS if need be
On his nights off like last night I crashed with DD for a good nights sleep and he had DS

When he gets home he still does DDs bath;bedtime routine I think he enjoys it it is there time
DS is usually in bed already

He eats after she is in bed and we hang out for a bit

The days he is off we team clean the house and he irons is uniforms for the week so it is all done

Typing this actually just made me very happy
I think we are a great team and he does a lot!!!

@reverie: I think my only question would be all his sleep?! How old are the kids?!
Are they waking at night?!

DH works and I think we both are morning people so we both get up when he is off

Napping?! I mean I nap if baby naps sometimes but definitely do not nap when we are all home
He doesn't either nor has asked

But we get enough sleep I guess ....lol

My "job" is taking care of the children during work/ commuting hours. That also includes scheduling and going to to doctors appointments and things like that, dealing with preschool and classes, etc. Things I almost always do unless we are having a terrible day, include laundry for everyone, meals and clean up for everyone, and trying to keep the house generally in order. Mornings we are still working out but generally I donall the getting kids ready for the day (dressed, br akfast). If DH is home before bedtime we split that up, then eat dinner together or sometimes he has to do a little more work and I'll clean up the kitchen.

But there are times when things are just crazy and I don't get a lot done and DH usually picks up the slack when he can. Or we get to the very bottom of the barrel on laundry!

@reverie: What's the split look like during weekends? And what time do you usually go to bed on Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday?

My husband also has high sleep needs and is a night owl, so mornings are really NOT his thing. But we both work out of the home full-time, so we try to split weekends up equally with one of us sleeping in on Saturday and the other sleeping in on Sunday.

I SAH and I consider everything that keeps the home running and makes my husbands life a little easier my job, even though I resent it sometimes Just like someone working full time (which of course I've done) sometimes resents some of their responsibilities. You do it and most times are OK but sometimes are like "why can't Joe do this???"

Our week looks like this:
2-3 days a week I go to gym before DH and DS wake up (6:30-7:30)
7/7:30 son wakes and DH gets him. The days I don't go to the gym I sleep an extra half hour till 7:30/8. That's the time my husband gets to spend alone with DS since he's gone all day.

When I come out around 7:30/8 I get DS breakfast if DH hasn't yet. While he eats we both (DH and I) get ready. I might prep something for lunch or a snack for when he is in the stroller after school.
8:30 I dress DS and usually DH leaves for the day at this time.
We leave for school MW around 9:10am and TTh at 8:40 (I paid for early drop off TTh)
During the 2 hours DS is in school I run errands in the neighborhood. 2 hours isn't that much time when you're in the city walking or cabbing so I choose a couple to tackle and then get coffee and breakfast somewhere near the school.
Pickup is 11:30 MW and 11am TTh. I get him and we walk home he might have the aforementioned snack or lunch depending on the day.
Get home between 11:30/12 and have lunch if he didn't already.
Nap is at 12:30 till 3pm.
During that 2.5 hours it just depends on the day. Many days I do lots of chores - dishes, cleaning up lunch, tidying our bedroom, laundry, some special project like cleaning out a drawer. But there are definitely days I'm so tired (workout days usually) where I just decide "F it. I'm going to nap or watch TV". I think that's like 2 times a week that I just do nothing. I mean not NOTHING but considerably less. I'll do some necessities like clearing lunch or something kind of passive like toss a load of laundry in and call it a day.

When he wakes up we usually go do a fun errand (he loves bed bath and beyond because of the samples ), go to the park or go to/host a play date. I try to always be home between 4:30 and 5 so I can get some last minute tidying done before DH is home and get dinner ready for DS. NOTE: I don't usually cook. Real cooking is like 3 times a month. I don't like it, my husband doesn't care, and we live in NYC where restaurants, takeout and delivery are abundant. So that saves me a lot of time and effort in my day.
Usually while DS eats I'll do basic clean up in the kitchen and get his stuff ready for bed. DH usually gets home while DS is eating.
For the most part, DH takes the lead when he's home. He does bath most nights and is the closer for bedtime routine (books and bed). If I don't want to participate at all he just does everything from bath on so I can clean up.

Once DS is in bed (7/7:30) is when we sit and eat together and then I go into cleaning blitz mode. Kitchen, laundry, toy/living room clean up (occasionally DH does this), and maybe I shower.
I'm usually sitting on the couch or bed by 9pm and I do whatever I feel like till 11/11:30.

Friday the only difference is no school. So in the morning we do a play date or park.

Sat is my sleep in. I make myself stay in bed till 9am even if I'm not sleeping. Sun is DH sleep in. He usually sleeps till 9:30/10 and I take DS to church at 10:30. We leave at 10 so Sunday is similar to a school day.
Usually on the weekends we do one family thing, like a museum or the park together. DH takes DS to the park or play space both days by himself and I relax at home or do chores.
Weekends are very tag team. M-F is obviously 90% me but sat and sun (and even vacations) we are pretty even, maybe 60/40.

I do have a cleaning lady but she only comes 2x a month for heavy duty deep cleaning. Obviously there's still a lot to be done between her visits but it def helps.

Wow this was long but hope it helps.
If you work Full Time and he stays home, I'd be pretty ticked if it was still half or more on me (child and household chores).

@reverie How much sleep does your husband get a night? Could he possibly have a sleep disorder like sleep apnea? I often wonder if my husband has sleep apnea and have been trying to get him your go for a sleep study.

I am an independent contractor, and I stop in to a client about twice a week, included in my errands run. But otherwise my week looks like this:

Daily - get up about 7 (DH has left for work at 6:30) and get DD up. Play with toys, eat breakfast, get dressed, I get my YouTube workout in.

Tuesday and Thursday - swimming lessons, then grocery shopping or other out of house errands

Monday and Wednesday - home chores like cleaning bathrooms, laundry etc.

Friday - preschool (parent child class)

Afternoons are for naps, picking up toys, meal planning and prep, phone calls and reports for my clients, DD gets a bit of screen time as I make dinner. DH gets home just before dinner, and then he takes over, cleaning up dinner, packing leftovers and doing all dishes and cleaning the kitchen. He does bath with DD, and we do bedtime together with her at about 6:30. Weekends we split everything evenly.

@reverie: I would write it down first, give it to him, and genuinely ask for input into other tasks he might be doing that you aren't "seeing". THEN have the discussion.

Before I wrote the schedule, my husband's common refrain was, 'But YOU get off work at 3pm! And I don't get home until 7pm!' as the reason I was 100% responsible for dinner, packing LOs lunches and snacks for daycare, doing all grocery shopping, making all doctor appointments, etc. Then I pointed out that our ACTUAL schedule was:

Me: 6:45 am leave for work with LO, 7:30 am, drop LO at daycare and fill out entry forms and get back into car. 7:50 am arrive at work. Work 7:50-3:00 pm (with 1x a week work till 4 pm because of faculty meeting). Pick up LO at 3:15. Run errands WITH LO on way home from work. Get home at 4:30ish pm. Solo parent and cook dinner and pack lunches from 4:30-7:00 pm.

DH: 8:00 am, leave for work. 7pm, arrive home. Expect to 'relax a while" since the wife "gets off work at 3". See how that narrative worked in his head? In his mind, he worked 4 hours longer than me. In my head, I worked 1.25 hours longer than HIM once you factor in solo child care.

I know some people don't want to bean count in a marriage, and I don't want to either. But nothing chapped my hide more than to hear my husband say that he needed to relax, because that implied to me that I didn't. When I felt I was actually working longer.

Anyway, our fix was after kid 2, we ditched daycare and now have a nanny so now I still have the long commute and the solo hours in the early evening, but at least now I can run errands and commute alone and that's worth a lot to me!

@reverie: Not a great memory, but being a poor house manager was the main reason my WOHM divorced my SAHD. She has always said she didn't mind him not working (we were school age/ no daytime childcare duties), but she wanted more of a partner in what he could have contributed to running the house/ managing the family/ supporting her.

I WAH one day a week and if I had to do more than just morning routine with my son before work began I would be a mess. Kudos to you for staying focused. I hope you are able to strike the right balance.

@reverie: we have a very similar situation and it drives me crazy. I'm trying to respect his needs while pushing to also have my needs met. It's a balancing act and we both have to give and take. I try not to be resentful though because it doesn't get me anywhere and I've been trying to frame stuff more in what he can do to help/what I need v what I want him NOT to do (sleep)

@reverie: I'm sorry but your husband's expectation that he can choose to stay up that late and then "lose his mind" because he doesn't get to NAP in the middle of the morning while you are WORKING is honestly laughable. I'm not sure what he thought parenting two kids would look like, but daily mid morning naps aren't part of the gig as far as I'm concerned. If I were you I would have really really hard time being sympathetic to his complaints.

@reverie: My husband and I both work full time at office jobs with the occasional work-from-home day, so I can't directly answer your question. However I will say that in my experience spouses who do not have full time jobs do not always appreciate how exhausting a full time job can be. It's hard to relate to things like needing to unwind before bedtime, even if you work late; or how participating in a conference call can feel draining or stressful even though you're just, well, on the phone.

Also, if he is stressed out or wants a break, maybe you can hire a part time sitter, even it's just for one evening per week post bedtime. It doesn't sound like he gets out of the house too much on this schedule. Does he take the kids to any classes or anything during the day?

I think your DH has crazy expectations. To stay up until 1:30 or 2am and then expect you to do all the morning stuff is just really inconsiderate. There are mornings my DH does that for me - he takes both kids while I sleep. You know why? Because I spent half the night up with our 5 month old and let him sleep. It's reciprocal, we're a team.

We both work hard and are both overwhelmed, but thrive on helping one another. I do baby wakeups, he gets up early with toddler, for example. I try to make sure he can thrive at work, and when he's home he helps me with the kids. So, my answer is pretty abstract, but what works for us is a spirit of helping one another to survive, ideally to thrive.

I SAH and DH works about 10-12 days a month. Whether he's at home or work, I do 80-90% of meals, shopping, and chores. When he's home, we probably handle the kids 50/50. It's super rare either of us naps during the day, that happens maybe a couple of times during the year and that's due to illness usually. I'm a huge night owl, but no matter what I'm up every single school day getting breakfast and lunch made and kids ready.