Due to weird circumstances, after I had my second baby in February I became a SAHM. I never thought that I would be a SAHM, yet here I am. It isn't as horrible as I would have thought, having two to take care of is very different than just one, but I still don't know if I enjoy it. And, on the days that I do enjoy it, I feel guilty. Does anyone else vacillate between these two feelings as a SAHM? Did anyone else just fall into being a SAHM instead of choosing to do so? Just hoping I'm not alone with this internal struggle....
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I've always wanted to be a SAHM so I'm not sure I can be much help. I also don't think I understand what you don't like about being a SAHM..... what do you feel guilty about?
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I kind of fell into it, too. Basically, I quit my job about a year and a half ago and got pregnant while I was doing temp work, so there's nothing to really go back to. And daycare is so expensive in my neighborhood that even if I did go back we would barely break even. So I can identify!
There are things I like about being a SAHM - being able to be there to witness LO's milestones, not feeling like I have to do every single household chore on the weekends and not having work stress. That said, I really struggle with feeling lonely and bored and I hate the lack of structure. I also feel guilty - but it's more in the sense that since being a SAHM is my "job" now, I have to make sure everything is perfect at home, as in making a nice meal every night, keeping up with cleaning and laundry and running all the errands. Even though my husband doesn't perpetuate this, I just feel like since he's earning the money I shouldn't burden him with having to do anything around the house.
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I also agree with feeling pressure to make sure everything is perfect in our home, since that's one of my responsibilities now. However, I always have to remind myself that my main priority is taking care of my son and if other people judge me on having a messy house, then that's their problem! Though, I used to hate doing chores and now I actually like it....washing dishes is therapeutic for me for some reason!
I don't think you have to enjoy being a SAHM every day...if you think of it like a job, did you enjoy your previous job every single day? For me, I have a lot more good days at home than frustrating days, so that's why I'm happy with my decision to stay home.
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Ive always wanted to be a sahm, but it definitely wasn't everything I thought it would be. I dont feel guilty because Being a mom is super important and all the money in the world couldn't replace that for me
Dont ever feel guilty about wanting to work outside of the home, either way you are working and helping your family -
@artbee I feel guilty for giving up on my career (even if it is temporarily) as well as having to pay off my student debt still, but I can't contribute any money towards it.
@meredithnyc I feel the same way about having to be the perfect housewife now, with a perfectly manicured house and children. I also love not having to run errands all weekend long, we can enjoy one another instead of grocery shopping.
@littlecasita1122 I really like that philosophy, I didn't like every day as teacher (that's what I was), so it makes sense that not everyday would be wonderful. I am going to remind myself of that whenever I am struggling.
@mamabird Thanks! You are right. I shouldn't feel sorry for working and not working. It is what it is. I try so hard to tell myself this, but sometimes it just helps to hear it from other people -
I'm a SAHM who didn't choose to be a SAHM. We moved for my husband's new job and I'm still looking for work in our new city. And I don't really enjoy being a SAHM. That's the source of my guilt. Intellectually I know I'm lucky to witness all of LO's big moments, and I know I'll be a mess when I do go back to work, but I think I would treasure the moments a lot more if I got part of "me" back in the form of my career.
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I'm a WOHM, so my opinion doesn't exactly count here, but when I was considering having a baby, a mature (read - kids my age) female client (professional) said to me that the one thing she regretted about having children and building her career was that she got so worked up about taking maternity leave (we're in Canada, so we can have up to a year paid-ish). She said she wished she had realized she would have the next 20 years to build her career, and that those few years with her kids were so short and un-important with respect to her career building. I know that helped put things into perspective for me.
I hope that made sense...
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@MamaBehr: I also think of this as temporary. I have my masters and I do intend to use it.... it's just not what I want to do right now. I can do that any time, but my lo will only be this age once and I want to see her grow up and reach her milestones. I know being a sahm isn't for everyone, but its something that is important to me and I feel like I can get back to my career later.
I do feel guilty about money..... but I never made much anyway so if I did go back to work it would just cover child care and that would be silly. It does help that dh wants me to stay home too and thinks its best for lo, so that makes me feel less guilty.
I totally don't feel pressure to have a perfect house and have a home cooked dinner every night. Dh spends enough time with lo that he knows how hard it is and how exhausting it is, and he knows better than to say something to me about that stuff.
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I went back to work, part-time, for two months before I became a SAHM, and those two months were absolutely miserable for me. I took off 4.5 months for maternity leave and loved every second of it. Going back to work was heartbreaking, but I was determined to give it a shot so that I wouldn't have any regrets. After two months, though, I realized that my place right now was to be home with my daughter. I agree with @artbee that I think of this situation as temporary... I have a JD and I do intend to go back to work when LO is a little older. Right now, though, I just want to enjoy my baby and savor every second I have when she's this little. I know I'll never, ever get this time back. Maybe it's because I tried to be a WOHM (albeit only for two short months), but I'm extremely thankful to stay home with my baby...and especially on Sunday nights, I just have to stop and give thanks that Monday means yet another week with my lovely little girl
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I'm not exactly sure what I am, I only worked part-time before the baby, so I'm not on maternity leave (not getting paid) now. But I do plan on continuing my part-time work when LO is a little older, I work from home. Everyone here basically stays at home for the baby's 1st year because paternity leave is so long and daycares will only accept babies 1 year+.
But I definitely felt guilty, but that was before LO was born. I moved to a different country and it's tough to find work. I went through all the motions before LO was born ... now, I'm kinda over guilt tripping myself. It helps that DH has never expected a spiffy house or any of it. He also knows how hard it s to take care of the baby. Right now, I'm just trying to get into a routine. I'll see how I'll feel in a few months
I think the guilt is something everyone deals with. You just gotta not let it distract you from enjoying what you have now (way easier said than done, I know).
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Plus, people will judge you anyway, might as well make SAH worthwhile
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My company closed our office whe I was 6 months pregnant with my first and it didn't make sense for me to look for another job so we decided for me to stay home. Childcare is quite expensive in our area (around $1600 a month for infants) but I also made good money. We could have easily just did that but I wouldn't have been able to have all these memories with my son. It was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. I do miss working though as I loved what I do. I also miss the social interaction of working; but have also gotten used to hanging out with other mommies and their kids. It was really a bittersweet decision for me.
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I echo all the posters that wrote guilt is something that you experience no matter what, so you learn to deal with it.
I wasn't planning on being a SAHM, but because we couldn't find adequate day care for our son, I stay at home now. It's been almost 2 years and there are days when I am so happy it's crazy and then there are the days when I don't know if I made the right decision at all, but it balances itself out. I do want to return to work, it's better for everyone if I go back, I think. My son would benefit from more exposure to other children and a routine that isn't so focused on his needs. He's spoiled in the sense that everything revolves around his naps and when he needs to eat, not materially.
I also gave up a 6 figure salary, so it wasn't a decision that we came to over just one night of discussions. It happened over about 3 months and it was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.
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I'm not sure if I chose to be a SAHM or if it was just circumstances-I had a great job that I loved, but between the commute and cost to commute and the cost of daycare, it didnt make financial sense for me to continue working (and I would much rather be there for LO's milestones).
When I looked at what I loved about my old job and what brought me validation, I saw that I loved being able to run my territory with autonomy and, at the end of the year, being able to say "I helped my company make x number of dollars". So I decided that I would turn my household into a business...
Now, I look at things like I have a responsibility to make sure my "business" operates at a profit (that our household is always spending less than we are bringing in) that my workspace is presentable in case a client stops by, that my "employee" is meeting all of her goals and just making sure my business is running in the most efficient and effective manner. I don't feel guilty because what I do for my household is important, it's a job and, in the end, you shouldn't ever feel guilty for loving your job.
Dont ever feel guilty about wanting to work outside of the home, either way you are working and helping your family Reply
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