Hellobee Boards

I would go if she’s a close friend of yours! It’s not like she’s asking you to go out every week, a birthday only comes once a year.

That being said if you’ve already decided not to go I would be honest and say you have to get up super early and weeknights are just too chaotic for you.

I don't go out regularly on weeknights, or any day of the week really, because I work full time and don't get to spend a ton of time with my kids. But, for a special occasion, like a good friend's birthday, I would make an exception. My kids don't have to come first 100% of the time (99% is good enough ) and it's good for my soul to have friends and keep outside relationships.

I think it's fine to just say "Sorry, I can't make it." But I also would strongly consider going.

I’d probably skip too. During the week anything abnormal like a dinner out off throws off my schedule. My som’s bedtime at 8 pm is basically my bedtime too. She probably selected a bday dinner that is conveneient for her, but since it’s not for you just say so.

@MsBAM: I’m the same as you...I almost never went out during the week when my kids were very little and if I did, it was after bedtime, which was miserable for me the next day. It is what it is. I would just say that you wish you could join, but weekdays are just too chaotic right now.

I rarely make exceptions to go out during weeknights for the same reasons. I WOH full time and feel my time is so limited with my little ones! So unless it's a very close friend's birthday or someone is visiting town, I rarely go out M-F. They will stop asking eventually!

I'm more relaxed about this now, but I used to feel so awful if I came home late and missed bedtime. It's really coming from the kids - when I knew someone's probably crying for me, I couldn't enjoy parties at all. Now I know they're most likely getting an awesome bedtime story from DH and not that upset, so I'm not as bothered about the (very rare) late night out.

It sounds like you'd be miserable if you went, though. Don't feel guilty about saying no. You don't even have to go into details, just thank her for the invitation, say that going out on weekends is hard for you these days, and that you hope she has a great party!

It took me a long time to get over the guilt of going out on a weeknight! DH and I make Thursday nights our 'date night' and I still always rush back home because I miss the kiddo's (almost 4 and 2-1/2). So I get it!
I have a group of girl friends who will occasionally go out on Friday nights and I would sometimes take off early so I'd still get time with the kiddos before I went out. Its easier now that they're older.

It's fine to say no. People say no to invitations for all kinds of reasons!

@MsBAM: It's great to have understanding friends. The baby stage doesn't last long over the course of a long term friendship. If you miss a few birthdays, it shouldn't matter. I'd meet up with her for a Sunday brunch during your baby's nap to make up for missing her weekday birthday dinner.

To answer your first question, I would definitely go. It’s 2 hours out of a lifetime. I get that the time during the week is precious, but so are friendships. You likely wont ever look back and say “man I wish I hadn’t missed that 2 hours of dinner and bedtime routine”. BUT you might look back one day and wish you had nurtured your friendships more.
While I get that you want her to be understanding of your lifestyle, I would also try to be understanding of her lifestyle. You didn’t say if she’s married, just that she doesn’t have kids. But either way, this is her life right now. She doesn’t have kids and she wants to celebrate her birthday with friends. It doesn’t really matter if you don’t think bdays are a big deal anymore, it’s clearly important to her so I would make it a priority. As an example, I have a good friend who is still single (one of my only ones at 38) and she has a huge bday party every year. Massive. Like rents out a bar and covers everyone’s drinks. I personally don’t care for that for my bday anymore, nor do I care for the people who show up to her parties, but it’s what she wants to do for her bday so I oblige. It’s one night a year.
I SAH now, but I did work when my son was 1yo and he had a super early bedtime. 6pm. So if I didn’t rush home I didn’t see him. Yeah those nights were a bummer but looking back it was a blip on the radar. We made the most of our weekends.

Now, all that being said - that’s my opinion! And you are entitled to yours! If you truly don’t want to go and think you’ll regret it for weeks or months to come, then don’t go. I would just tell her that weeknights aren’t great for you these days, but You’d love to take her to breakfast or brunch one weekend morning during a nap - one with a mimosa or two Thay way she knows that you value her and her friendship, it’s truly the weeknight thing that held you back.

And I’ll just add - I get that as parents we feel like people without kids have it easier and it’s easier for them to bend for us. But I also try to remember that I was childless once too (and not necessarily by choice) and when you don’t have kids there’s truly no way to understand what it’s like to have them. And it was frustrating when it felt like everyone around me had kids and expected me to cater to them. And that when you don’t have kids, your priorities are different - like maybe going out more on weeknights. So if I expect her to occasionally go out of her way and come to me because she “has it easier” logistically, then I can occasionally go out of my comfort zone and have a weeknight dinner.
When everyone around you has kids (and I don’t know if that’s the case for her, per se) it can feel lonely or isolating. Just my two cents!

@MsBAM: I would just say you cant.make it because your weekday schedule is hectic and ask if you can something to celebrate her birthday the weekend after. I personally believe that its important to explain boundaries to friends rather than suffer silently

I often have events for work on weekday evenings which means I don’t get to see my girls, and I hate it at the time but they’re important professionally. I’d feel the same about social events; I hate missing the evening but my social circle has gotten smaller and smaller after having kids and also being in a transient work environment, so I would try to maintain friendships that I can

I have mixed feelings about this. I totally understand why you don't want to go, and I generally don't either. I work full time and I so feel you about never having enough time with the kids. My reservation about going out on a weeknight is also more logistical; as they're a little older now it's easier for DH but I know we both try not to be away for dinner/bed time. If I have to go out after they go to sleep, I totally would as I never do anyway!

So that brings me to the next point, if I never go out anyway, this might be a good excuse to actually say you know what, I am going to go and enjoy myself and be there for my friend! But I think it's also okay to tell your friend no, but I would absolutely make another plan with her and treat her to something nice, just the two of you. And I agree with someone else, if you can get send a bottle of something to her on you at the venue, that would be a very nice touch!

I don't really go out in the evenings as the logistics are challenging, as I do daycare pickup, breastfeed, and DH sometimes can't get home until 7 or later. There's also what you mention, chores to take care of in the evening and I'm tired. And I do really cherish the time with DS. However, as he gets older and is weaned, i think it will be good for me to sometimes have a break...