I'm struggling right now with how to handle things with one of my best friends. She's been struggling with infertility and I just got pregnant the first time we tried. I feel... guilty. She knows already and is happy for us but things are a bit awkward too. To make matters worse she is just ending another cycle of injectables and as of yesterday it seems like it's a negative. Do I ask again today? Let it go? Give her time? Invite her somewhere?
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There's no reason to feel guilty. I can understand why it might feel that way, but really, don't feel guilty. I would probably just avoid all topics of baby/pregnancy for a while and let her bring it up if she would like to discuss it or has any news to share. But I also wouldn't just completely go silent on her, I would assume that would hurt more. Talk to her about the things you normally would (work, husbands, other friends, etc).
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You don't have to feel guilty. Her infertility isn't your fault. I was never mad at any of my friends for getting pregnant while I was struggling. I didn't like it when people would try to hide things from me in order to protect my feelings. Treat her the same as you always would and understand if she pulls away a little. Congratulations on your pregnancy!
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Thanks ladies, I realize guilt isn't the most helpful emotion right now but I'm really just so sad for her. I will carry on as usual and keep the baby stuff to a minimum.
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Just to add to the wisdom already posted, when i was in your friend's shoes, I know I would've appreciated some straightforward talk about how you're feeling. Maybe acknowledge how sensitive it is, and offer for her to bring up baby stuff so that she can control how much you share, depending on how she's feeling. That you really want to know how her IF journey is going but don't want to intrude. I think letting her know explicitly how you feel and how you want to be a good friend is important. Congratulations and good luck!
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When I was struggling with infertility I really appreciated it when my friends were concerned/interested and asked me how I was doing. I felt like if I had confided in them I was in a sense seeking their support and understanding.
During this period I had a friend get PG who knew I was struggling and unfortunately it really altered our relationship. She never asked about me or how I was doing, she would come to me and complain about her symptoms (not the right thing to do to someone who would give anything to have those same symptoms). Now don't get me wrong, as a friend she should have been ablte to come to me and I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check but the fact that she never even once asked about me or my situation really did it......
I am now PG and I have shared the news with my one friend who showed care and concern for me during my time of struggle but I've held it back from the other friend. BC well I just feel like she doesn't care really....
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I would just send a message to your friend saying "How are you doing? Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you"
I wouldn't pry or ask anything specifically about her situation, but just make it clear you're still thinking of her and open to talking if she needs it.
I've been pregnant with a friend of mine and twice lost the babies. It's been hard on our relationship, because I think she's in a similar place. Our husbands are friends, so I hear bits and pieces about how awful she feels for me and our situation, but she doesn't really reach out, so it's even more awkward for me to feel like I can. After a while we've been able to reconnect, but in the midst of loss and grief, it's always been really hard.
On the other hand, my super fertile SIL (who I've also been pregnant with twice) continues to send simple texts or emails just to ask how things are going. They're vague enough that I can talk about feelings or treatments if I want to, but if I don't want to, I can comment on general life stuff. Because of that, there's always open communication for us.
I'd urge you to not overthink it. While someone with IF may need you to be understanding and sensitive to their needs, most (in my experience) don't want pity. If it weren't for IF, how would you be her friend?
Do that.
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I've been on both sides of this in a way (dealing with insensitive pregnant friends while handling multiple losses, but feeling guilty for being able to conceive and having one LO while other friends battled IF for years and eventually moved on to adoption). I know that I felt most bad when my pregnant friends just sort of ignored my losses, basically asked how I was doing once and then never again, and then would complain all the time about pregnancy symptoms (and later, about how hard it was to have a newborn). When I'm with my friends who have been dealing with IF, I really try to stick to neutral topics as much as possible and let them take the lead if they want to take about baby stuff. Sometimes they bring it up and sometimes they are happy to talk about their house, job, TV shows, politics, whatever. So I guess my advice would be to not feel guilty but do stay in touch and don't go overboard talking about baby stuff.
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Thank you all for your wisdom. I appreciate it. We have plans for Friday which I'm looking forward to. We normally see each other most days and we've both had a lot planned for this week so it is exacerbating how I feel since I haven't actually seen her.
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