So yesterday was my baby shower for baby number 3. My husbands sister came as expected with her son. They brought my son who is 2 (he has a speech delay and we are testing for autism) some toys that her son didn't play with anymore. Her son is going into the 4th grade and they buy him every toy he has ever asked for and more and she said had too many. (Which is totally fine. That just how they parent.) Well my son is OBSESSED with the Pixar Cars movies and they brought 3 small cars from the movie and two medium sized ones that light up and talk. Well they told us they were going though the play room and they were giving us some. We said thank you and my son played with them the whole party. The party was fun and nice and it went on with no issue. Toward the end I noticed my son was looking for his car toys.(the light up talking ones) I asked "where are your cars buddy?" My son didnt respond so I wasn't surprised. We are working in speech therapy but he isn't to that point yet. Well husband sister said something like "my son got it when he wasn't looking so micah wouldn't get upset" I had someone come up to me at that point and need my help so I didn't get to think about what she said.
Later that night I realized they left the 3 tiny ones and took back the two light up ones my son really liked. I was just confused and realized they apparently only brought those to "show" my son. I'm kinda upset. We never asked for toys or anything for our kids from her and we appreciate the ones she did give us but I'm just super irritated that they pretty much teased my son with them and then took them away. Should I be upset?!?!
My son actually was looking for them this morning and was saying "car" he normally doesn't do that so it just broke my heart for him. He really loved those cars. Maybe I'm just hormonal and pregnant.
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Idk...I kinda read this that they brought a few for your son and a few that your nephew likes/still plays with and maybe there was just a miscommunication on what they were actually giving away....? Maybe?
Did they specifically say they were giving the light up ones and then take them back? If they did that then I'd mention it but ultimately they are theirs and if they don't want to give them away they don't have to....
I'm pretty sure if I were in your shoes dh and I would probably go buy one of the ones he loved... But we admittedly spoil our kids....see the $79 unicorn post
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@Ajsmommy: they never said which ones specifically. They just brought the 5 toys and said "we are going through our play room and giving some away. We have more at home." She even told me she had toy story toys to give to us later. They never told us they were keeping the light up ones or anything. We were just honestly confused. Like if her son wanted to keep those two that was totally fine. Its thiers but they never told us. Her son never touched them and played on his iPad the whole time. Maybe a huge miscommunication but even my husband thought his sister gave us those two as well.
We bought one of the light up cars this morning. I don't think its spoiling to buy your kids things they would love and want. I never has that opportunities to have special toys so I want my kids to have those opportunities.
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@cyoung: the incident itself is a bit of a head scratcher. I don’t think I’d necessarily be upset though, unless I had a history of issues with my SIL and this was the latest annoyance...
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@Autumnmama79: yeah it kinda is the "latest annoyance" unfortunately. I mean I'm not gonna make waves over this issue I guess I just wanted to know if I was being a little petty. She has done rude things to us in the past. My husband loves his sister but he says she is problematic. I'm a little extra hormonal this time around this pregnancy so it's hard to tell if it's my hormones or a legit reason be upset. I'm not gonna say anything to her. If my husband feels the need to he will. I pick and choose my battles with her. She can be dramatic and eccentric. Also her son may have not wanted to give them up yet. She tends to not take his feeling into consideration I think somtimes. Her son is sweet and loves his cousin. It's just his mother...
I guess we just have to be aware this could happen again and to be specific with her and figure out before hand.
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I don’t think they intended to show the toys and take them away. Most likely what happened was they brought it to give away, son saw toy that was his and wanted it back. And bc it’s his toy, you can’t really do anything about that situation. I’ve been on both sides. Ill get a bag to donate and when we get there my daughter swears she plays with it and isn’t ready to part with it yet. Or another mom will give us some toys and their child will be upset. It happens with every kid. It’s their choice to pass on which toys and what time. I wouldn’t press it.
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I could totally see this happening in my family. My BIL and SIL (separate families) both have a habit of volunteering to give my nephews' old toys to DS without clearing it with their kids. More than once we've been promised Thomas or Paw Patrol stuff and have my nephews freak out because they aren't ready to part with it, despite the fact that they haven't touched those toys in years.
I can see why you're upset,but I can see this being a giant misunderstanding
ETA: my comment made it seem like I was giving them a pass. I'd be really upset too. Especially if they made him believe he would get to keep them. If they offered toys in the future, I'd make it clear in the beginning whether these were to keep or borrow
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Wow. I think you’re completely justified. If my kid changed his mind about giving away toys (especially at the age of 7–we aren’t talking about a toddler), I would take him aside and say, look, you don’t play with these, you agreed that you wanted to give them as a gift, now is not the time to try to take back the gift after it has already been given. It would be a good learning opportunity about generosity and keeping your word.
Or, you know, if they didn’t have the wherewithal to do that, they could have told him that they’d buy him new ones later.
But taking back toys—sneaking them away no less—they already introduced to a child being tested for autism is beyond the pale. Either they don’t understand autism or they are completely self absorbed. What kind of message did that send to their son? That you can take toys from disabled kids as long as they’re looking the other way? That you can spin on a dime and rescind gifts because of a whim?
If your kid wasn’t showing signs of being on the spectrum, I would say it was a dick move but not a huge deal. But the fact that they knew they were dangling shiny toys just over your son’s head and then snatched them away is really infuriating to me.
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Like others, I see how it could have been a misunderstanding. But I think you wouldn’t be out of line to ask them not to bring toys they’re taking back home at the end of the visit if it upsets your son too much. I’m assuming they are aware of the speech delay/evaluations he’s going through? I feel like it’s not such a big deal for most kids to deal with some disappointment from things like that, but a harder thing for kids who can’t effectively communicate their feelings or are dealing with other challenges on top of that.
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@PurplePeony: @Hypatia: yeah thats the thing I think deep down really bothers me. IF my son is autistic it really bothers me they would do that. He has feelings. We just decided to tell them not to bring toys that they want to keep here just because Micah right now doesn't understand they are not his. He does not quit understand that even when you tell him. It's not my cousins fault. My cousin doesn't even play with his toys he brings. He leaves them on the floor.
Her son is 9 and going into the 4th grade. I think it's an appropriate age to teach him that kids who are younger don't understand things the way that he does.As I said before it's just another annoying thing his sister did. The same day of the shower she told my husband "you're never gonna loose 30 lbs. Good luck with that" (my husband is 30 with blood pressure issues. His doctor said loose 30 lbs and he has to be on blood pressure meds) it made me so mad. Weight is something I never criticize someone over. She also made fun of his shirt I bought him and said "you look ridiculous" .....she is just rude.
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@cyoung: yeah, i can see the issue... my son is also OBSESSED with Disney's Cars characters.... He gets super hung up on other kids playing with them and it's always tricky. Especially if someone let's him "borrow" one, he really has a hard time returning it.
Anyway, I'm guessing they knew he really liked Cars so they let him borrow but wanted to bring them back (FYI, the light-up Cars are REAALLLLYYY hard to find, i've been looking for them and have only found 2 for upwards of $75)... I'd try to brush it off, it was nice they let him have the others.
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@hellobeeboston: idk where you live but Amazon has a Lighting McQueen for 55 bucks. I'm in the US. I bought it but I'm hiding it till it's time for his birthday.
Disney Cars Disney/Pixar Cars 3 Movie Moves Lightning McQueen Vehicle https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01KNMFPCM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_QRM.CbMXG758F
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Ugh that sucks. I GUESS they are not technically at fault since it was not clear which ones they were giving away; but I would've safely assumed everything they brought over was to give away. Like why tease a 2 year old?!
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@cyoung: OK that is awesome, it's big though. for some reason my son only likes the smaller ones... like, he would die for this:
https://www.amazon.com/Disney-Exclusive-Lightning-McQueen-Veloso/dp/B00546GDUGhaha - it's so bad, I feel like I feed the obsession, i've turned into a collector myself!!!
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@cyoung: You know what... i just found some sets for less at Walmart!
Maybe I should get now for his birthday, good idea
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@cyoung: That does sound annoying in general and I’d probably just roll my eyes and not bring it up to her BUT my guess is that it may be different with your son if he has some delays. In that case I sure as shit wouldn’t give him something, let him get attached, and allow the person to take it back without a conversation. That’s just incredibly insensitive of her.
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@hellobeeboston: same with mine! What is it about that (super irritating) movie franchise????!
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@PurplePeony: This. Didn’t see your comment before I posted essentially the same thing.
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If they didn’t specifically say that you can have the 2 light up cars, I don’t think it’s ok to be upset with them. It’s ok to feel bad for your son! Definitely. But I don’t think they did anything “wrong”.
Now, if they said he can have the light up cars then changed their mind, that’s different. I’d be pissed. Or if you think they did it to be malicious, like to tease him, also pissed.
But if it was just poor judgement or communication on their part, I wouldn’t be pissed. It happens. And from now on I’d just be very explicit. “Oh you brought us all 5 of these to take? That’s so nice!” And let her say “oh no just these 3.” -
Seems like your SIL does things that are malicious and rude in general, so I would probably go with the assumption she was being obnoxious about the cars too. I think your plan to suggest she not bring things over that have to go home is a good one. It's really hard with any toddler to be like "Hey we brought you these -- actually, not those, just these."
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@cyoung: wow this would bother me a lot. Do they know about the austism testing? That would make it a lot worse but even without that knowledge it feels a bit mean to bring him some toys and then only leave him the small ones. The fact that they had to take it away when he wasn't looking should be their first clue that they didn't handle this well.
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The incident is very confusing
To be honest my takeaway after reading all that is, you don't like your SIL much, she's obnoxious, and you don't approve their way of parenting (from the way you word it. To be honest I don't approve too). Which is all OK.I would be irritated too, but if I think about it in my situation, say if my DS (thinking at age 2) would go to a friend's house and play with their toys, he was really attached to two toys, we had to go and he was upset the toy is not coming.... it is not much different than this situation. That's just life, deal with it buddy
And then I do remember times that a friend would bring along toys for both of our LOs to share at a restaurant, and at the end of the meal they have to take the toy back, it's all good, and I'd be appreciative of such distraction for the children at the venue.I'd say I'd move on and learn from this "experience", that I would NEVER accept any hand-me-downs from this SIL ever again. If she ever give you things again, just say, no it's OK, last time there was some confusion and LO got quite upset, we are not going to take this but thank you so much. And you explain to your LO that the toys are not ours we are just borrowing them. You return them to her afterwards no matter what she says.
Now thinking about it, I am not annoyed at the incident but I am actually QUITE irritated about this SIL character lol.
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yeah the whole situation is just miscommunication maybe idk. I guess I always doubt her motives. She did something awhile back that was down right shady to us so since then I've been on my guard. It was just a confusing situation. She says she is doing one thing a lot and does another so we are left scratching our heads most the time. Now if her son intended on keeping those two I would have cared less if he took them home. She just didnt specify and even my mom, sister and husband thought she was giving all of them to him. Also my son doesn't understand even if I explain. He doesn't really understand a lot. His level of understanding is at the level of my 1 year old. We do our best but it's hard to explain stuff to him.
And they do know about his testing and delays. That's the thing that bothers me more then anything. I'm super protective over my kids. My husband family has done shady and just down right rude, inconsiderate things to him his whole life. I don't want my kids being treated the same way so I'm just careful. On top of it I'm a bit hormonal being 32 weeks pregnant. I just get more irritable then usual toward the end.
We did get him a light up car from Amazon. We normally don't buy toys a lot. Just mostly birthdays and Christmas but occasionally we do get them something. I was gonna give it to him for his birthday but I was way to excited to give it to him. I always give gifts too early. I can't keep secrets like gifts if I know someone will like it. I broke down and my husband said just to go ahead and give it to him since his birthday isn't till October. He loved his car! He took it to bed and played with it all day long!!
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@cyoung: Aww look at the joy on his face!
Maybe I should get now for his birthday, good idea
To be honest my takeaway after reading all that is, you don't like your SIL much, she's obnoxious, and you don't approve their way of parenting (from the way you word it. To be honest I don't approve too). Which is all OK.
And then I do remember times that a friend would bring along toys for both of our LOs to share at a restaurant, and at the end of the meal they have to take the toy back, it's all good, and I'd be appreciative of such distraction for the children at the venue.
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