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What about getting a few small gifts (or one larger one) for big brother from the baby? I would talk it up and say that little brother wanted to get him this present because he is such a great big brother. I would also let big brother overhear you and your husband talk about what a great big brother he is and definitely be over the top when he does something good like being gentle with the baby, etc. Our bigger guy was a little older (almost 4.5) when baby sister arrived but we talked about what a great big brother he was and how much he was her favorite, etc. that he seemed to like the praise he was getting and would repeat the good behaviors to get more praise. We also bought him a large gift from his baby sister when we brought her home from the hospital and he frequently thanks her for the present.

We also spoke to the baby sometimes to tell her that we needed to help big brother (more for his benefit than hers) so that he felt like he wasn't always getting slighted for her wants and needs. Maybe big brother is acting out because he thinks he is getting less attention. If the baby was sitting happily in her chair and my bigger guy needed something, I would say "Now, baby, big brother needs me for a minute to help him get a snack so you will need to wait a minute." I think that really helped my bigger guy feel important.

Sorry, no advice, but just assurance that this is all normal. My good friend had 2 boys the same age spread as you and she said her older kid was harder than the baby. He said during the pregnancy he didn't want a brother, he didn't like his brother, acted out a ton after the baby was born, etc. But it got a LOT better by the time the baby was a little bit older - like once the baby could sit up and laugh at the brother's antics. Now their baby is 15 months old and they are such buds.

My boys are 20 months apart, so I missed a lot of the rougher transition issues, but we still have similar behavior where my oldest will try to hurt the baby for no reason on purpose, yank toys out of the baby's hands, insists on taking stuff that's the baby's (his bottle, the baby food spoon, etc).

All you can do is just consistently reinforce being gentle and kind, consistently discipline when they hurt the baby intentionally, lavishly praise when they do something nice for the baby. Whenever our son picks up a dropped bib or something for the baby, we praise him directly and also gush to the baby about his older brother. "Baby, isn't S SO NICE?? Who is so lucky to have the nicest big brother? Can you say thank you baby? THANK YOU S!!!" We also brag on him to others in earshot so he gets lots of compliments about being a kind nice brother. We talk a LOT about how the baby is very small so we have to be careful, be gentle, be quiet, and be kind. So much so that our delayed speech toddler even says "Baby small. Gentle mommy, okay? Baby small."

You're in the thick of it, so I know its so hard and seems so defeating, but I promise it will get better! My youngest just turned 1 year old and they've been SO good together since they can play more. I'd say around 10 months it got so much easier and I don't have to worry so much about my toddler killing the baby. You're doing a great job!

@snowjewelz: Totally agree!

@oskarsmommy: He's looking for attention, so calmly stopping him from doing anything to hurt the baby is obviously a must. The second part is to show him that his actions are having the opposite effect of his desired wishes. So lavishing the baby with attention if your older one does something out of spite is a good way to show him that he's not getting the attention he wants by doing something to harm the baby.

Conversely, if he's sweet to the baby, gushing over the act of him being a great big brother could really help. My SIL described to me the idea of personas for your kids. Instead of saying, "You're such a great big brother." or "you're so brave!" You tell them that the action they took is demonstrative of being a good big brother or being a brave person. This way, they see that it was the action they took and not something that they are...so they do the action again. It's hard to explain, but hopefully you sort of got the gist of what I'm trying to say!

@rattles: I totally agree with all that everyone else said, plus having special dates or activities planned for just you and your older DS. It's big adjustment for DS1! Hang in there! It will get easier. Soon you'll be in the stage we're in where both boys want to play with the same toy at the same time!