We have been in a fog of teething, illness, work and tantrums, and I am sensing that we need to start rebuilding some intimacy in our relationship. What small gestures do you and your SO do for each other to show love and affection?
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We try to think of things the other person would really appreciate being done.
For DH, I know it's a HUGE deal if I make dinner. If I can't do that (he usually gets home first), if I can at least make a suggestion of what I want it frees up a lot of his brain and makes it easier (I have celiac, so his go-tos aren't always things I can eat)
Or if I know he'd like something or we need something, I'll go ahead and order it (it's more the act of buying it that matters than the idea of "gift"...he rarely shops)
Or just a text of a random emojii. The clown is my current favorite.
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Love this thread. Little things we do:
- serve the other dinner at the table or make tea/coffee in the morning
- put toothpaste on their toothbrush (so silly but I always love when I see my husband has done this...shows he was thinking of me!)
- texts or calls to check in during the day
- random hugs around the house or when the other is working/doing chores at homeDH will also clean off my car for me when it snows without being asked, and since I SAHM I try to fold & put his clothes away (when I WOHM laundry was his domain.) simple, free gestures!
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Also, Post its.
DH goes to bed before me because he gets up at 4 a.m., so sometimes I'll leave him a note on a post it attached to his phone or work ipad.
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I'll make dinner, he preps the morning coffee. He fixes my computer, I clean the garage. So, give and take things. We also try to "check in" regularly to make sure we're not being neglectful to each other's feelings, and acknowledging what each other does. Sometimes it seems like the easiest and most hurtful thing you can do in a marriage is appear ungrateful. We try our best to avoid that.
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Also, DH is a talker. I'm very introverted.
Something my therapist suggested was thinking of one good thing that happened during the day that you can lead a conversation with. If I don't do that, sometimes the whole weight of carrying a conversation during dinner is on DH. And then I tune out because I'm not at all interested in the minutia of his day (his stories can be way too long).
Taking the weight off him trying to fill the silence usually keeps both of us happier.
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@MaryM: I really like your therapist's suggestion of leading conversations with "good things". DH and I have discussed before how negative of a tone it can set when the first real conversation we have all day starts with a complaint (no matter how justified it is, and even if it has nothing to do with each other). I am trying harder to complain to friends during the day if I really need to whine, haha
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Sounds soooo silly but DH is "bald" by choice, so I shave his head for him and afterwards give him a coconut oil scalp massage. He LOVES it!
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When we settle into bed for the night, we will ask each other "what did you think about today?" And we will each rattle off a story or something that happened. Sometimes this happens while one of us is showering at night and the other will sit on the toilet and yap.
When one of us has to run an errand, we usually pick up a small treat for the other. Like I'll get DH a Nerd Rope or he will get me a soft serve cone from McDonald's drive thru.
I try to anticipate needs mostly. Like right now DH is sick and I found him these Puffs tissues with Vicks in them and I'll ask him once or twice a day if he'd like a cup of hot tea.
DH wakes up early once a week to commute really far so he showers in the guest bath. The night before I set out a towel, clean underwear, his toiletry kit, and hang an outfit behind the door so he can quickly get dressed and go.
DH is a big words of encouragement and physical touch guy so we hug in passing a lot and I will text him things like "Be safe driving today! Thank you for working so hard for our family, I love you!" I also send him funny Bitmojis randomly.
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I make sure the house is clean and the coffee maker is set for him the next day. When things are crazy or he's travelling, I'm a big fan of post-its saying I love you.
He usually gets up with DS in the morning, and when he has to leave for work too early to do that, he will make his breakfast to make it easier for me, and have my coffee all ready to go.
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@PinkElephant: It's something I also used in grad school (management) and there we learned that even if people want to complain, if they start with the positive, the complaining usually isn't quite as negative. It made a world of difference in some of our classes
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I don't do it every day, but I pack my husband his lunch. Sometimes, he'll make the sandwiches, sometimes he puts the leftovers in the containers, we kind of tag team it.
My husband will play music I like, I never turn it on, but when my husband does, it's usually something I have said that I like.
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Little things we do:
- I have his coffee ready as soon as he's waking up (if I'm home) and I pack his lunch before I go to work
- we always give each other 3 kisses (pecks), and if one of us just does one, the other says "hey, always 3!"
- sending each other emojis or funny/relatable videos and memes
- sending each other "have a good at work" messages knowing that person is getting ready
- POST ITS! I post my messages to him on the bathroom mirror - whether its thank you messages or instructions or just a smiley face. He posts his messages to me on the fridge. -
I love this and really really need to do something. Between 3 kids and both of us working long outside of the home we are last on each other's list.
We sometimes email during the day. He always calls me when he gets in the car while I'm driving to pick up the kids and we try to have adult conversation.
I was just searching Etsy and found these small conversation cards that I think I want to get.
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@Canoli: I feel you! DD2 is almost 3 months and I just went back to work and it's utterly chaotic and we just haven't been speaking each other's love languages at all!
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I'm not sure if you know about the five love languages but speaking to my husband and his love language really means a lot.
He travels a lot so sometimes I put pictures with notes on the back or notes in his luggage hidden .
Today he's coming home after being gone for four days and I am putting welcome home daddy on our letter board.
I also picked him up some clothes that I knew he would like that's on his desk waiting for him.
I leave my sticky notes on his desk or his mirror in the bathroom.
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@MaryM: good advice...My husband and I are both introverts, so at the end of a long day we are both tapped out.
We text a lot during the day and send each other news articles, funny links. He does back rubs. I makes dinner, he cleans up. I write notes to him some mornings if I won't see him before I leave.
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We try to thank each other for the little things the other person does. It's nice to receive that acknowledgement, and as we've gotten into that habit I think we're both more appreciative and polite with each other because we are focusing on what the other person is doing rather than what they aren't.
We make it a focus to stop and hug each other (a real hug!) when we get home at night. I especially look forward to that when I've had a bad day.
We tag team a lot. So, I make dinner, he picks up. I do most of the laundry (because I like it) and he always changes all the sheets because he knows I hate it. Just little things.
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@travellingbee: DH ALWAYS makes coffee even when he is not having any he will still make it for me so I wake to it brewed! He always texts me before he goes on shift, to have a good day!
I buy things at the store that I know he likes in the house (chocolate, beer, certain chips) It's silly but I know he likes it!
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I'm pregnant and hungry. He always runs out to get me food, whatever I'm craving, after we put the kids to sleep.
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Any cooking or cleaning is always appreciated! In other words, when I do tasks he appreciates it and notices so I feel appreciated and he feel appreciated because it is less for him to do and vice versa. We tag team. He loves it when I get his favorite tea or make him smoothies. He loves it when I notice he needs something and surprise him with it. We also hold hands when we can, like during dinner or driving.
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If he's traveling (alone or with me) I pack his bag for him. Its something he used to say he wished I did even before kids and I resisted for a long time...finally about a year ago I just did it. I realized it was easy (he's a dude) and he was so appreciative. So now when we/he travel he's just on cloud nine that everything is done, he just has to go to the airport.
I grab snacks I know he'll like.
I try to make sure that everything he needs on a daily basis is always stocked and where he needs it. He always makes sure our needs are met so its how I can try to do the same.He always charges my phone for me (or iPad). He's a tech guy so its kinda second nature
But I know its his way of showing he cares.
He'll always run out to the store or dunkin donuts or whatever - It could be 11pm and he'll be in bed and if I say I'm in the mood for something he'll go.We have a few inside jokes that we share over text and it always makes us laugh.
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