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They only thing that fixed this for us was not giving in to the dumb demands and putting more on him. For example, I work weekends and I used to get the kids dressed before I left, pack a diaper bag, etc. I just stopped doing that. He's an adult and can handle all of that. And then when he called me at work to complain I stopped feeling responsible for him. Those calls used to make me panic. So I stopped taking emotional and physical responsibility for him. If he has the kids he has them 100% and if he's having a tough day i empathize, but it's not my fault or problem. I think shifting my attitude and stopping doing stuff forced him to take on more responsibility and therefore realize he can do it. I have a friend who stays home with 2 kids and the minute her husband walks in the door she says I'm going to the store and just leaves. Things like that. You don't need to ask permission for time away and he doesn't need help managing 2 kids

Let me preface by saying my situation is very different in that my DH is a very involved parent, and I can leave on a work trip and know he has everything under control. He works a TON, but he is still able to do this. I definitely do more of the childcare since my job is less demanding, but it is huge to know that he can completely manage on his own (maybe the girls’ hair won’t look beautiful, but it will be brushed).

A few months ago I hit a personal breaking point where a lifetime of anxiety finally, and newly introduced depression, finally caught up to me. We ended up in marriage counseling and it was SO helpful. I had been really stressed out about having to coordinate childcare for all of the random school days DD has off, and felt like I had to do it all on my own, and it had paralyzed me. Just having a third party there to help us talk through it was really all we needed. It became clear that I was putting this burden on myself. DH was just like “Why didn’t you just ask if we could go over all the days together?” It was that easy. Have you considered counseling? Again, you’re coming from a very different place than me and my DH, but it might be helpful to have a professional help you work through it, to help both of you express how you feel, and to develop a plan for moving forward.

This sounds to me like a flavor of the mental load.

I address with some success, though not complete success, by simply assigning ownership to my husband. Not instructing him to do it, but instructing him to own it

For instance once our twins were born I assigned him to make our preschooler’s lunch every day. There have been mornings when he was running late for work and wanted to skip it and let our son eat school lunch. (Son loves school lunch but I am skeptical of the quality and only permit it once per week.). So I held my husband accountable to figure out how to make lunch and balance it with his work demands.

The key is that I did not step in and solve the problem for him. I pushed him to solve it himself.

Admittedly I do not have this problem. But how it works for us is to literally do everything 50/50. We alternate bath nights, we alternate putting each kid to bed, we alternate who gets up with the baby in the night or early morning and we each get one day per weekend to sleep in. I do all the cooking and shopping so DW looks after the boys while I do those things. She cleans up after we eat. I drop the boys off, she picks up. It took me a while to feel confident with bringing both of them somewhere but the only way I learned was to do it. Can you sit down and say, this is not working for me. We need to make a list of every task that needs getting done and divvy it up. That you need some time to yourself too and that he has to suck it up. You can still split up alone time/kid free time but it has to be equal. It sounds ridiculous when I say we are literally 50/50 but I never feel resentment towards my wife for this kind of stuff because of it.

I highly recommend the book How Not To Hate Your Husband After Having Kids. She deals with a lot of similar issues and talks about how to navigate them and getting her partner to step up more.

I also highly recommend my personal approach, which is to strive to be the World’s Greatest Dad. I came up with this when my oldest was born and I realized I was resenting my husband for not offering to take the baby so I could go to the bathroom. I realized he did not wait for me to take her so he could go to the bathroom, he just expected to be able to go to the bathroom and did it. Men are raised to expect to be able to meet their needs. And when women start to expect to be able to also meet their needs, instead of waiting for men to offer, or to feel like they need to get permission to meet their needs, it helps a lot with evening out these dynamics. You are allowed to expect your spouse to be able to take both children to the park without whining.

I'm sorry, I definitely understand the feeling...

It seems like the solution depends a bit on the underlying cause, which from other threads like this seems to fall into one of the following categories (or some combination):

1. He's not a confident parent because he hasn't been forced to do it on his own. Easiest to fix, make him solo parent, and he'll learn he can do it.

2. He's overwhelmed or depressed or obsessed by his job, and it's leading him to always be on his phone/not present at home. If so, is it permanent or temporary? If the former, are there options to start looking for something that's better for family/mental health?

3. Parenting is hard, and he'd just rather you take the lion's share of responsibility. The first step is to make him understand why this is unfair to you and unsustainable. A good couple's therapist can help with communication, but if that's not possible, just keep trying to be super explicit about what is required from him to more fairly share the load.

@Ms.Mermaid: "Men are raised to expect to be able to meet their needs." So true. Another thing that's struck me recently is that there is a huge amount of evidence that men are overwhelmingly overconfident in their abilities and performance - across a wide variety of domains - whereas women are overwhelmingly underconfident. I think this is true in balancing parenting and the housework as well. My husband can be absolutely convinced that he's done so much - and that it will just never be enough for me to be happy because I'm being unreasonable - but the reality is that it's still way less than half. But it can be hard to make him see that....

@SweetCaroline: omg, the what to pack for snacks, what to feed them, what to get for presents, what outfit to put them in, etc etc etc.. the full ownership is a great solution, though, I first heard about it on HB and it has been a godsend.

I can definitely relate to this and I KNOW for sure you are not alone in this I def struggle with resentment, but after a lot of fights/talking with DH, I know it's mostly just different perspective & communication breakdown a lot of times. I think you have to make sure your foundation is still good; that you love each other, you're a team, your'e in this together, and THEN tackle the issues. Like really evaluate on both sides whether you're being fair to the other person, whether you have realistic expectations of each other, and whether you're giving each other encouragement/grace as you make it through each day.

I know at times I tend to just notice his mistakes and shortcomings, and don't appreciate what he does, and that makes him feel bad and we get into a cycle. Or I'm usually just so oriented in getting things done and I tend to neglect his feelings. And for me, I think all I want him to know is how much I take on physically/mentally and I just need him to acknowledge that.

As part of my "work" alongside DH doing un-official marriage counseling for a lot of couples, I've read a ton of marriage books (disclaimer tho, a lot of them faith based), I can def recommend some if you're interested!

@muffinsmuffins: This is the case in our house too. We hit a breaking point a few years ago because even though in theory we were dividing equally, it fell on me to assign everything and he did it and I just couldn't anymore and to his credit, DH stepped up. And it took some time in therapy and proactively talking about what needs to get done and how we will divide and conquer for us to get there. The more he was doing things on his own, the more he learned to anticipate (ie, I always packed our daughter's snacks/lunches the night before to make it easier in the morning, something that didn't occur to him until he took over morning duty and realized how much faster it is to prep the night before and now he just does it). I also do things to help on the mental front (ie, the trash pickup days are listed on a central board so he remembers when to take it out in the morning).

OP - the thing is, though, I agree with @erinbaderin, the way you describe his reactions to things are not him doing his best. Disappearing for an hour is not OK. Not being able to take both kids to the park is not OK. Being on his phone instead of paying attention to the kids is not OK. If therapy is an option for you guys, I'd really recommend it because it will hopefully help him see that his behavior is not even basically acceptable, much less an actual effort. If that's not an option, I'd sit down and talk to him about all the things that need to happen that he needs to start owning. Make a list with your column and his, write it all out in advance, show him how disparate things are and hopefully a visual will push him forward. Lots of love to you!