Every year my family has a giant reunion and I’m already starting to dread one specific aspect: parenting styles.
My husband and I are against spanking and will not be using that as a form of discipline for our children. Our first born is 2.5 years old and behaves like a typical toddler. I’m already envisioning the comments of how “soft” we are, and how she doesn’t have “respect” for adults, or how “she would behave if you spanked her”.
I’m not looking to defend our parenting styles all week but I will admit that it does get under my skin and hurt my feelings.
Reciting research is not an option, they resort to anecdotal experiences of how “I was spanked and I turned out fine”.
I’m looking for advice from others that have been in this situation/ideas of what to say/how to cope.
Thanks!
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Ugh, I’m sorry you have to deal with people judging you about this particular parenting choice. If it comes up, I would just state firmly and clearly that you don’t believe in spanking, you will discipline your child how you see fit, and you will not entertain any further discussion about it.
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I would just repeat ad nauseum “this is what works for our family” or “that doesn’t work for us” and refuse to engage. Don’t feed the conversation.
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@WinterBee: I haven’t been in this situation, but might say, “I just cannot, I’m morally opposed to hitting my children/spanking my children” or even more passive aggressive, “great idea! But I’m morally opposed to hitting my kids”.
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@Jess1483: my knee jerk response is “this is what works for our family”. Again, I might be getting a head of myself but I’m envisioning a condescending “yea, looks like it’s working” retort as my overly dramatic/over tired toddler screams and flails.
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@Autumnmama79: I don’t want to pass judgement on what is obviously their (most specifically my brother and his wife) parenting style. I can foresee a comment like that leading to them defending their choice and belittling mine even more. Even though that is exactly what I think! Lol.
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@WinterBee: fair enough. How many days do you have to spend with these folks?
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@WinterBee: Maybe I’m oversimplifying things, but I don’t understand why you need to entertain conversations like this. When relatives overstep boundaries regarding parenting styles with me, I make it clear that the subject is not up for discussion. If necessary, you can end the conversation and either go speak with someone else or leave for a period of time. If someone makes a comment once, then you can be polite about it. But if they won’t stop nagging you, then you should make it clear that it’s none of their business. That is the only way to draw and enforce a boundary.
If it’s more important that everybody likes you, then you’ll be stuck listening to their comments. You can’t have it both ways. I usually choose to speak my mind because otherwise I am miserable and it becomes a waste of time to hang out with the person(s) in question.
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I should add that before I got married, I inadvertently made a very judgemental comment about spanking in front of my mother-in-law. I had forgotten that my in-laws used that form of discipline with my husband. (There is not much I respect about their parenting based on what I have heard about his childhood.) My MIL got very defensive and said that I did not understand how hard it can be to deal with a child 🙄
Honesty I am glad I had the opportunity to make it clear that this is a dealbreaker for me. And my son just turned five and I still have never had any desire or need to hit him. (I did pull his hair once when he was a toddler because he would not stop pulling mine. He looked shocked and never did it again.) My MIL can go suck an egg on this topic as far as I am concerned, and so can any relative that defends her on this.
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@Autumnmama79: About a week.
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@ElbieKay: A combination of insecurity/despising confrontation/trying to keep the peace/anxiety.
Looking at the situation objectively I would give the same advice you just gave, and logically I know setting firm boundaries are the best practice, I just have difficulty doing so. -
@WinterBee: that’s a long time!
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@WinterBee: I think you should try that approach then. What do you have to lose? What might happen if you don’t keep the peace?
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My son's preschool teacher has a comeback to the "I was spanked and turned out fine" line. He says, "Are you sure? You think it's okay to hit children."
I would stick with "research shows it's not effective" line, personally, but I'm non-confrontational.
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@ElbieKay: feeling anxious/awkwardness.
Strained relationship with family. That’s generally why I don’t confront people. -
@Woolly Mammoth: I enjoy the research line too. But these are people who do not research and is seen as a claim made by “book mothers”. Yes, I’ve been made fun of as a “book mother” because I use things like peer reviewed research when making decisions.
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I would honestly just say “I didn’t ask for nor do I want your opinion”, if they keep going just repeat yourself. If they persist I would probably tell them to eff off but I am kind of a jerk.
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I don't have this issue with spanking but other issues (such as bedsharing; not letting them cry; etc) and I usually just go with the ignore the comments path. Or change the subject. Or walk out of the room. Mostly to keep the peace as these are my inlaws.
My hubby and I when we get home just complain and rant about them and point out that its only a select few of relatives who complain about our son and parenting style. And gloat on how other family members and complete strangers compliment his behaviors.
However... my husband made a rather ill taste joke about making my blind cat live outside so my toddler couldn't torment the cat anymore. (This would never happen said the cat is safe from the toddler it just happened to be a night the toddler was rather persistent in his attention to the cat and she was thrown off by the fact we had company over). My MIL took this as an excuse to storm out my house with my FIL... and we havent seen them since but once - it used ti be a every other week or so. Its been nice...
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@WinterBee: my FSIL described it best that my parenting seems “intentional” and that sounds a whole lot better than “book mother.” Guess what why not read a book, crowd source, listen to a podcast that can help you be the best you for what most parents probably see as their favorite part of them?
For the task at hand, I’d probably pull the two of them aside and say something as soon as I got there. “We are here to enjoy each other. We already know you disagree with how we choose to parent. Feeling is mutual. Please don’t interfere or interject with what I do with my child. If you see something you don’t like and simply cannot stand it please remove yourself from the situation and walk away. No need to get yourself worked up over something that you have no control over.” Make it sound nicer if you are not that frank with your siblings. Just get the point across before anything happens that you’re not here to argue and give them a tool to do something with their frustration like take a walk. In fact every time they begin to start just say “walk away.” Then ignore.
Speaking from my own experience, no discipline technique seems to deter future bad behavior. Parenting is repitive. Kids do something and we have to respond.
Full transparency: I am a reformed occasional plucker/hitter. What I found is in the moment it got LO’s attention, but it was hit or miss if he listened better or stopped the offending behavior. What was worse he mimicked getting physical back with me. I couldn’t teach my kid not to hit others or me, if I hit him. I stopped so I could be an example of good behavior. I stopped because plucking and hitting my kid wasn’t a solution that calmed things down and turned into something positive.
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@WinterBee: then when they say “I was spanked and turned out fine” I’d respond with “did you?” But I see that’s not what you’re going for
But truly, just as they won’t convince you that they’re right, you won’t convince them. Your best strategy is to refuse to engage and then to ignore.
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Thank you everyone for the advice, I truly do appreciate it. It seems as though the best course of action is to ignore/remove myself from the situation in order to remain conflict free.
I wish I didn’t care what others thought of my choices so much, definitely something to continue working on! -
@WinterBee: I deal with this frequently with a sister who doesn’t have children and says, Oh you need to pop him” so he listens...”
I respond back with “ we do what is best for our family and that doesn’t work in our home.” You can do that when and if you have children.
My sisters were spanked way more than me and I always say “look how y’all turned out”...🤔.... that shuts them up!
You’re there for a week and honestly if it keeps coming up I would put my foot down like some of the PP stated. Mind your business people and if you want to do that for your family do it but don’t go telling me how to raise my family. Sometimes it may need to be said cause they won’t expect it.
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@WinterBee: I think it’s normal to care what other people think- I know I do. That’s why I post so much on HB and joined mom groups on FB. Even IRL I love talking to parents who have been there done that. Some of it resonates and it’s invaliable. Sometimes though it’s just noise and not something I’d feel comfortable doing for whatever reason. My little bro, who is also childless, scoffed at the idea I wasn’t putting any treats in the party favors. For a minute I tried to justify organic jelly beans and found some at Target. Then, I had a moment of clarity- I’m not going to give candy to 2 and 3 year olds. My brother isn’t responsible for my son’s health or dental care. I am and candy is a treat food I’m choosing to stay away from right now.
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@ElbieKay: “[you do] not understand how hard it is to deal with a child.” This is my beef with people who are the loud pro-spankers in the room. I really feel most spankings happen because the parent is at their wits end, frustrated, and trying to inflict pain because they’re mad.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: yeah my comment that triggered her was something was something about thinking that people who resort to hitting their children lacked the cognitive resources to come up with a better way to influence their children. It was not an especially tolerant comment but frankly that is my unfiltered opinion of spanking. I’m happy to own that, even if it offends my MIL. I am not interested in hiding my “differences”. One of us will be uncomfortable with our difference. It may as well not be me.
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I am sorry you are dealing with this and I have no effective advice... I have recently casually discussed it with a relative/friend whose daughter is already a teenager. She is pro-spanking and well, her daughter "turned out fine", great, actually. We weren't really judging each other (although she got a little defensive) but when I explained why I do not condone spanking, I have said that, to me, it is just not a fair thing to do a child (or any person really) that you are physically so much bigger than them. Of course you can beat them up and you win, and they can not fight back because (1) they physically can not because you are much bigger (2) They can not because they are still solely dependent on you for survival. However you look at it it is just not fair at all.
Not to mention you are showing your child that it is ok to hit people when you are trying to win an argument. Then you wonder why your child hits people when they are older.
At least now when DS do want to hit me when he was mad, I would say ouch, that hurts! You can not physically hurt/hit people, ever, that's not the right thing to do! When was the last time I ever hit you when I am mad? He'd say, never.... and then the next time he was very mad and attempt to hit me again you can see he uses all his controls to stop that. Then one thing I always remind myself and say to people -- yes you beat them now and you get immediate effect of better behavior, but then it scars them and they will grow up to resent you. Have fun with a teenager when they refuse to talk to you because you spanked him/her throughout their childhood. In fact, DH is a living example -- his mom beat the crap out of him when he was a kid, and he was a pretty defiant child. The was no reasoning, no explanation, just that he didn't listen? He got beat. He kicked the ball and made marks on the wall? He got hung upside down and got a beating lol (sorry, it is funny now that he told the story). He grew to HATE his parents, and he continued to be a difficult teenager and in adulthood he seldom talk to them about anything. We didn't even invite them to our wedding (his idea) and basically excluded them in anything my ILs wanted to be included in. When you asked him why he hated his parents so much, the beating has a LOT to do with it. So there....
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I think maybe the best way to look at it is that everybody has different ways to raise their kids. “My parents spanked me and I turned out fine!” “Yes, that’s true, but my parents didn’t spank me and be I also turned out fine, and that’s the choice I’ve made also.” (Assuming that’s true, or that your parents/relatives aren’t around you to refute it)
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@WinterBee: Have they confronted you on stuff like this before? I always get myself worked up before a visit to my ILs because that whole side of the family parents very differently than we do and I'm afraid of a confrontation... but the confrontations never happen and I was just anxious over nothing. I think most people realize that parenting toddlers is hard, no matter what your style is.
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@ElbieKay: I did the same with my MIL before I had kids. We were at her house and there was a stick on the table. I asked her what it was and she said it was a switch for my nephew and without even thinking I whipped around and told her she would never hit my children. I mean... it needed to be said, but probably could have been done without the look of disgust I had spread across my face.
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I think maybe you are making an issue bigger than it really is. I do this all the time as well. You parent how you want to parent. People will judge no matter what you do and this thread proves that. It’s immature to confront someone on how they parent so I think of it comes up stand your ground and move on. I hate confrontation as well but I had to stand up to my mom who was doing some ridiculous things with my children but I brought it up and it became a non issue after that. Good luck and hope it goes better than you are imagining it.
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I haven't been in this exact situation, but I do have an ongoing disagreement with my parents about parenting styles. I'm not going to argue with them about their definition of "turned out fine," but when they bring up their suggestions, I smile, nod and ignore. Sometimes I have to shut down offers to babysit because I know they'll involve things I really don't agree with. I suppose you wouldn't have to deal with extended family trying to spank your LO unless they're really insane, so the "hear and ignore" approach should be enough.
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@ElbieKay: My grandma bit my aunt because she wouldn't stop biting as a child. After being bit back once, she didn't do it again.
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@kiddosc: Not yet. It’s family that we only see once a year and last year comments were made that once my daughter is 2, she’ll be ready for spanking to control her behaviour. 🙄 They also heavily criticize my other cousin who doesn’t spark her kids... so I’m just assuming and trying to mentally prepare.
Perhaps I am making it a bigger deal in my head then it will be, and tbh I hope I am! Talking, researching and preparing for different scenarios is my process. -
@Lindsay05: Thank you!
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@Mama Bird: That is my general approach as well. It just really makes my blood boil sometimes.
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I generally am a non-spanking parent though there were 2 months where we tried it bc we were desperate. I know all the research.
I think the big thing missing from this conversation is that a lot of parents don't "hit their kids because they're angry at them" (the general gist from above). In my personal experience, most parents that spank are trying to teach the kids that certain actions are undesirable, and they use pain as the mental reinforcer. It is a behaviorist way of thinking (BF Skinner, yadda yadda).
When parents make snap assumptions about other parents, obviously it leads to discord, and I don't think it's very empathetic nor would it help to convince others to try alternative methods.
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@DesertDreams88: I don’t believe I said I was trying to convince anyone else to try a different method of discipline. My issue stems from anxiety about essentially being made fun of and made to feel like a shitty parent for not choosing spanking as our strategy.
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@WinterBee: this faction of your family seems pretty dysfunctional. But I guess you already know that. I can’t believe they were looking at a 1 year old and “looking forward” to when she’s old enough to spank. That’s...sick.
My family definitely has their eccentricities and lord knows, we have a lot of political disagreements. But most of them spanked their kids and no one has ever said boo about it to me for not spanking. If they did, I wouldn’t hesitate to point out that none of their kids behave better than mine and I didn’t have to physically hit them for them to be generally sweet kids.
Anyway—just curious—what were past comments they’ve made to you or around you, and what kinds of behaviors have they seen that they deem physical hit-worthy towards children? Are they like “children should be seen and not heard” people? What are their kids like? Just curious because my extended family has a lot of “pro spanking” people but I wouldn’t want my kids to turn out like any of their kids have, so they’ve basically directly influenced me to do the opposite. Apart from 1 sister who did spank her kids but who didn’t use it as a primary parenting method—her kids are great. But I have a big family so that’s like a 10% success rate in my book. I’ll happily take my chances.
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@Anagram: I would categorize their spank-worthy behaviour to be similar to my time-out behaviour. Acts of aggression/hands on and being rude/defiant. Definitely things that are deserving of discipline.
My niece is the sweetest! She is so kind and well behaved, my nephew is a little terror, but can also be the sweetest kid.
I wouldn’t label my family as these spank crazy monsters, they are generally good people doing what they believe is right. I just wish my parenting choices were more respected rather then a general recipe for raising a spoiled brat with no respect (as they make it seem). -
@WinterBee: I think the proof will be in the pudding. Eventually when they see that your kids aren't spoiled brats, they'll see that people can raise children successfully without hitting them.
At least now when DS do want to hit me when he was mad, I would say ouch, that hurts! You can not physically hurt/hit people, ever, that's not the right thing to do! When was the last time I ever hit you when I am mad? He'd say, never.... and then the next time he was very mad and attempt to hit me again you can see he uses all his controls to stop that. 
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