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My husband went back to work 3 days after baby was born and I didn't have any help. I kept my expectations low concerning what would get done around the house. We ordered a lot of takeout (not the norm for us) since the last thing I wanted to do most days was cook. Baby and I also took lots of walks just to get out of the house and that helped not feel so cooped up all the time.
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@spaniellove: No need to apologize! I would be livid if DH made a change of plan without telling me. I've seen ads for mother's helpers on my local parenting listservs.
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I had a c-section and no help after a few days! it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I had on the agenda that I only needed to accomplish one thing per day, so that's all I would do. I bought a lot of snack foods and didn't really eat other than snacks during the day and we usually got take-out when my husband was home. other than that we watched a lot of netflix and breastfed a lot!
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@spaniellove: did your husband say why he is going back early? Is it a specific project or he just doesnt think he wants/needs to take the time off? When I was pregnant with J, hubs said he was only going to take a few days (like 3) off, but ended up taking a morning off from me in the hospital to go into work, grab a few things and told them he'd be back in 2 weeks. Once the baby was actually here, he "got it". My hubs was NOT into babies before J was born and he totally stepped up and was kind of a different guy.
Once I was cleared to drive, I went to the first mommy support group I could and it made me feel a lot better and productive. The first few weeks, they are so sleepy you can really just lounge around (and you might get an extra sleepy week since he's coming about a week early-J didn't "wake up " until his due date).
If you do decide to get a nanny/babysitter/mothers helper, I would suggest being clear about what you expect from them. My old nanny recently had a bad experience with a new family who thought she would be doing all the cooking and cleaning and my nanny thought she would be taking care of the baby. She left after 2 weeks. -
Invest in several cases of ready to feed formula! The kind that's in the bottles and you just have to put on a nipple. The last thing you want is a screaming baby demanding to be fed RIGHT NOW and to have to start mixing formula and putting a bottle together. We fed DS RTF formula in the hospital when he was getting dehydrated and my milk wasn't coming in, and it was great. And don't bother to warm it up if you don't need to. Baby will just get used to it however you give it to him.
And I second the suggestion to find someone on Care.com. Maybe post an ad saying you want someone who can help care for baby and willing to do some light housework + meal prep.
The way I survived the first few weeks was DH would take the baby out of our room around 7am and I'd sleep until 10 or 11. And that was the only solid stretch of sleep I'd get. Maybe a mother's helper can do something similar for you a few days a week. Also, too bad if DH is tired. You are going to be exhausted - inductions are tough work and then you all of sudden have a baby that sleeps no more than 2 hours at a time.
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@spaniellove: Ugh, I'm so sorry - we are dealing/planning for this right now too. My DH basically can't miss any work other than the actual birth because he is a college professor and runs a private law practice to boot. He's also got a super commute to the Bay Area a few times a week so he can't be completely sleep deprived! My mom lives on the other side of the state and has work obligations, so she can fly up a few days at a time, but can't be here for continuous care. DH's partners are already on him to hire a baby nurse because all their wives went through the same thing, so its something we are looking into now, especially because we're likely looking at a C-section.
They usually have advertisements for baby nurses or mother's helpers on Care.com and you can ask for references once you find someone that interests you. If you're part of a church you can probably ask around there, or ask a reputable local daycare if they have recommendations/referrals for that type of thing. What to Expect's forums have local groups that you might ask around on too. Also, get a housecleaner now and have them do a DEEP clean before the baby gets here because you probably wont want a housecleaner at your place for a while afterwards.
Food is important, but you're probably going to need a lot of easy things to snack on and eat one-handed more than giant frozen meals. Are you Korean? I gather you might be because you mentioned the post-partum soup. My mom came last weekend to start stocking my freezer and we have Korean snack-y things like those frozen steamed buns with veggie and red bean filling and individual portions of dduk ready to go. The nice thing about Korean snacks is that they are often dairy-free, in case your baby ends up having problems with it.
The most welcome things I've dropped off after my friends had babies were not casseroles, but things like fresh cut fruit, muffins, and breakfast burritos. So I will be prepping/buying similar things for myself at Costco. I have the Amy's frozen bean, rice, and cheese burritos and we'll buy their muffins, baby carrots, and fruit salad for the fridge. We're also going to buy those microwaveable bowls of rice and nori too. We have a water delivery service and having hot and cold drinking water at all times has been a godsend this pregnancy. We're definitely not cutting that from the budget and are going to be using plastic silverware and paper plates because ain't nobody got time for dishes. I have also been told repeatedly to make sure we have plenty of paper towels, toilet paper, soap, and detergent in the house now because that's the thing that breaks your spirit when you run out in the middle of the day alone. We already have Amazon Prime, but I imagine that is going to get a lot of use too!
DH and I are going to try a shift system for the evenings after talking to some other parents who said it really saved their sanity/marriage. Basically Mom takes a shower, goes to bed really early, and gets a few hours sleep while Dad stays up until later and then they switch, usually based on the baby's feeding schedule. Nothing is guaranteed, but I REALLY hope this works for our baby so I can get some sleep because I am a WITCH when I am tired. Our "nursery" will be in our master bedroom but we're in the process of setting up a spare room with a queen sized bed and a small stash of clothes, diapers, wipes, etc. We're going to keep a mini fridge and a bottle warmer in there with pumped milk or formula so that DH can do feedings in the room while I sleep. (I plan on breastfeeding, but I've got my pump ready and we will be introducing a bottle and some formula early to encourage this). We'll move the rock n' play or bassinet back and forth between the rooms until baby is in the crib, at which point, we'll just switch rooms. We plan on doing this for a few months until baby is sleeping through the night or at least in 5+ hour stretches.
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@ShootingStar: Oh yes, care.com! I've heard great reviews about nanny/childcare placement about them.
If you plan on breastfeeding, have Lanolin on hand.
You got this mama, we believe in you!!
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@BabyBruins: It's work-related...his boss has been putting the pressure on him so he's gone from wanting to work from home one day a week part of the year to taking the first 2 weeks off to this.
It drives me crazy/makes me sad that DH says he cares a lot but in the end I know that after coming home at 8 he's going to want to go to bed at 10 and claim he can't function otherwise, and insist that his mornings be reserved for running.
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@spaniellove: Oh man, I would shut that "mornings are for running" down in a heartbeat!
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@spaniellove: Yeah needing rest in order to function at work are one thing... Running, um, no. Sorry. You don't get to exercise while I'm elbows deep in newborn care.
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@spaniellove: There's a FB group called Korean American Mommies that you might be able to post a message on to see if they can give you some leads on finding a mommy's helper. I haven't used it much, but I think my cousins have.
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Don't let anyone make you feel whiny about expressing your worries. Sometimes motherhood can feel like a competitive sport with people trying to outdo each other with how bad their situation was, how little help they receive, etc. - lol.
I was in pretty much your exact situation and I found it really difficult. Once I got over the anxiety of having a screaming baby in public (for some reason - possibly related to my PPD - the idea of this filled me with dread), I felt much better getting outside. I mean, even 20 minutes a day made me feel more normal and also refreshed.
If I did it again, I would try and relax re: the state of my house and I would probably just load the f up on Trader Joe's frozen meals - since take-out gets expensive after a while.
Good luck! As others have said, it will work itself out. However, never feel bad about getting the extra help you need.
ETA: a big fat, resounding NOPE to your husband's running plans.
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@spaniellove: Can you use the money you were going to pay a doula to fly in a family member?
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@spaniellove: Yea I would say he needs a break from running for even just a month or two.
I would even question why is he working until 8 pm? For those first few weeks, I can understand he has to go in and can't miss the work, but they should hopefully understand when he puts in his 40 and then has to leave.
Another thing to consider, if you have a c-section and can't drive, how will you get the baby to the first few doctors appointments? Can DH at least miss a bit of work to help drive you?
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No advice but wanted to offer support. My husband had a week of paternity leave and I purposefully asked family not to visit. I did hate that my husband only had a week off, and a lot of that was devoted to going back and forth to the hospital as LO was a little jaundiced and I was re-hospitalized in the middle of his short PL due to a bad bladder infection. But I don't regret one bit not asking family to stay. The space allowed me to own parenthood and just delve into it. For me this had more lasting value than the extra help.
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@gingerbebe: My family is big on doing the traditional month+ of rest so I can't bring myself to tell them it's not happening.
@kiddosc: They have zero interest in helping with the baby. I had to beg to even get a few gifts out of them.
@T.H.O.U.: His boss is ridiculous. And I know DH isn't making this up because I've seen the texts the boss sends randomly on the weekends. They call in the middle of the night, when we're out of the country, whenever they feel like it.
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Fear not! Even post c-section my husband only took three days off before heading back to work. I thought it would be hard on my own but it really wasn't that bad. My mom and dad did take turns coming over for a couple days during the day and that helped me get some laundry done and eat a few home cooked meals but it wasn't a must have. Do you have any friends that can come spend a couple hours here and there?
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@shellio: great great tips.
Get yourself out of the house. There's no way you can mentally prepare yourself for the emotional Rollercoaster that is post partum. I can only imagine being home alone all day will amplify that.Do you not have any family or friends near by that might stop by?
ETA @spaniellove: dude! I would be scared shit less as a FTM in your spot with no help. Your situation is unique because you already know there were literally b end help. No family or friends to call on.
So your family expects you to follow pp care but your mom isn't coming to help?? Did you ask?And the nap when baby napped? Mine barely napped and only for 20 minutes intervals. So when that happened I'd rather take a shower or get a few minutes to myself. Or you know, use the bathroom.
I'm going to ask the big elephant question. What are the precautions for IF you get a seizure while home alone?
I have every faith that you have got this!!!
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@marionberry: I think my MIL will come by occasionally but she's really a sit and fuss at the baby kind of person. Might help with loneliness, but maybe not the right kind of help in the beginning.
@locavore_mama: My family is like that; my stepmom (who raised me) wants no involvement in this whole baby thing and when my dad and aunt come for the 100 day party she is going to Korea instead. When I got married she even pulled my dad out of the reception almost as soon as it started and they left unexpectedly. So nope, no help there.
With the seizures, I tend to have enough warning that I could sit down or put the baby in a safe place. And I think I'm going to change diapers on as low of a surface as possible and not do baths in the tub for a while. Thank goodness my neuro is really great about pregnancy/postpartum and is seeing me as soon after the birth as possible so we can work out my dosage. For those appts DH is taking baby to his office so I don't have to worry about childcare.
Also, I'm glad that apparently one of his coworkers who has multiple kids talked to him about what the experience is like in hindsight. It's sort of helpful that we've known him and his wife since they got married and can picture what he's talking about, and DH mentioned that he definitely does not expect to be on his running routine for a while so not to worry.
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@spaniellove:
if anything please come here you need support. You know we will always be here!
Hopefully DH work situation changes He can be around more more to help. -
@spaniellove: how stressful
I'm so sorry! I don't really have anything new to add, except maybe you could talk to your closest friends and see if they could help out the first couple weeks? Maybe they could set up a rotation where they bring food every 2 or 3 days or so? My friends did that for me after DH went back to work and it was sooo helpful to not have to worry about preparing food. Then you could hire someone to clean the house and run laundry, etc so you can focus solely on baby and yourself.
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@spaniellove: Sometimes having someone sit and fuss at the baby is great! I took those opportunities to take a shower or do laundry. Others would have napped but I was never good at that whole nap when the baby naps thing. And washcloth baths work just fine in the beginning. You will figure it all out.
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@spaniellove: I felt terrific after getting that baby out of me. I know it's great to be prepared, but you might be surprised at how great you feel after all you've been through. I remember my husband was so impressed that I made him a birthday cake shortly after giving birth. I felt good enough to do it.
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Aw man, I feel you. I was on my own as a FTM and I dunno, you just have to survive. Definitely sleep when the baby sleeps. I slept ALL DAY with her! Don't worry about getting anything done at first. And I totally survived on meals from TJ! Stock up their freezer meals ahead of time!
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@Mrs. Jacks: good point! I was also.surprised at how much more energy I had PP. Not to say to plan on it,but I have my fingers crossed that you're going to feel much better once J is here!
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@Mrs. Jacks: @LovelyPlum: I seriously CAN'T WAIT to 1) not be swollen and 2) not be contracting. If you took away those two things I really almost might be ready to run a marathon. Or at least a 5K.
@marionberry: DH and I were talking and thought maybe it would be a good idea for her to come and do that while I did something to make myself feel human. He gave me a yoga class card a while back so all I need is the babysitting part.
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So much depends on your baby's temperament, but I don't remember that period as being terribly difficult. I actually found that I slept somewhat better than when I was super pregnant/uncomfortable and I had more time/energy than when I had been pregnant and working full time.
My mom was there to help for the first week after baby's birth, but she came down with a really bad cold, so she had to keep her distance and couldn't help after all. DH was dealing with his own health issues, so I did everything by myself... every single night wake up, diaper change, feeding. My baby responded super well to the 5 S's, so it wasn't too bad at all.
What I did that worked for me:
-I went to bed with baby next to me in the pack n' play bassinet. I had everything next to her right by the bed, so I didn't have to get out of bed to change her (can we say lazy?! really, I just didn't want to wake up completely or I'd have trouble going back to sleep). I got a dimmer switch for my bedside lamp (per a HB rec...before I got the dimmer switch, LO kept trying to stay awake after nursing, which was killing me). LO would wake up every 2-3 hrs. I'd change her, then nurse her, burp her, and go back to bed. I'd usually watch something on my iphone via Amazon prime while nursing.
-I'd try to sleep from about 9 or 10pm until at least 10am on most days, some days I'd sleep in until noon. When I slept in that late, I didn't really need to nap during her naps later in the day and I could get things done. If the first few weeks, most newborns sleep A LOT, so even though your sleep is interrupted, you can get enough total sleep if you don't have to go to work or be up to care for another child.
-I let the baby sleep in swing for some of her naps... she slept a long time that way.
-I'd put the video monitor on her while she was napping and shower/get myself ready during that time.
-When she needed a bath, I'd take her baby tub into the shower with me and would kill two birds with one stone and shower myself while I showered her.
-I went to a breastfeeding support group 2x per week - it forced me to get out of the house in the winter and I got great advice and support from other new moms (as well as the lactation consultants). I talked to the other new moms about pp recovery, baby naps, etc. - not just breastfeeding.
-I also joined two moms groups and started going to playdates when J was only 2 months old. Obviously more for me than her, but everyone understood and was welcoming!
-Nobody brought us food and I don't remember cooking a lot... I have no idea what we ate! LOL! I think we just ate simple meals. I don't remember cleaning, nor do I remember the house being messy!
I think I picked up/cleaned during her naps, but I don't entirely remember.If I can do it, you can totally do it!
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@78h2o: great list!
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@spaniellove: that's how I felt. It was so beautiful out and I just wanted to walk with the baby!
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@spaniellove: yep! I felt.like a cloud had lifted off of me. I wouldn't call it easy, but I hurt so much less when baby was out. Just don't overdo it-I was so excited to move around the first week that the second.week was lousy. But even still, it was a million times better than I felt while pregnant!
I think I picked up/cleaned during her naps, but I don't entirely remember.
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