We’ve been pushing manners, primarily saying please/thank you and saying hello/goodbye since day one with my 4 year old daughter. I expected that she would need reminding for please and thank yous occasionally and since she’s somewhat shy, that she’d need prompting with hellos/introductions and goodbyes. However, I also expected this to improve steadily if we were consistent in our prompting. This has not been the case, and it’s driving me crazy. She fails to say please/thank you without prompting probably 75% of the time and she’s still awful at being proactive in hellos or goodbyes especially when we’re somewhere new. Our two year old is even better with these manners on a consistent basis. Any suggestions on how to finally get these manners to stick? We keep trying to emphasize how this shows kindness and makes others feel good and acknowledged but she seems incapable of having a serious conversation about the importance of these manners (she starts to goof around). Thanks!
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No advice except to say my 5yo got good at this during kindergarten and she’s only been there 3ish months! So idk if it’s age or they work on it at school but I wouldn’t stress
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I think you just have to lead by example and then will get there eventually.
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I don’t have any advice but wanted to say that my 2 year old is also better at this than my 5 year old. 🤷♀️
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My two year old is also way better at please and thank you than my older one! She even said thanks to the nurse after her shots at her last checkup...
For my almost five year old it's just been slow. Leading by example is slowly helping though. We make a big deal of recognizing when the rest of us our polite. Like if my husband says "C, could you please hand me the glass of water?" I'll respond with something like, "Sure! I really love how you said please and asked so politely."
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My 3 year old is better at this than my 5 year old because the 5 year old is extremely shy. I have backed off on forcing the issue and resorted to just enforcing no angry faces at people, because it seems really hard and scary for him to greet people.
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Agree that praising the one who does it helps. Also, at four I would just straight ignore a request that didn't have a please. And I wouldn't let go of whatever I was handing over until the thank you came. Like I will sit holding a cookie, with my child gently tugging on the other side of the cookie and just wait with a bland face and raised eyebrow for the thank you.
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My 4 year old is very inconsistent with the "please" and "thank yous" but I do the same as others above and try to lead by example, remind him and positively reinforce and acknowledge when he does it correctly.
Struggling a bit with the greetings. It totally depends on the situation and DS's comfort level. I'm working on getting him to respond to adult's questions. At times he is chatty and others he just ignores them or stares non responsive.
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I feel like mine got more consistent by herself by kindergarten/5 also. Totally agree it's also personality; my oldest is more shy so I see my 3 year old being better about manners too.
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What's her personality like? Is she shy or outgoing? If she's shy or reserved (like my husband) hellos and goodbyes can be excruciating. Outgoing kids have it much easier. Please and thank you will come, they are more reflexive. I have many many shy high school students who are hesitant to say hi even to me, their teacher. It's a big deal to little kids! It will happen, 4 is pretty young.
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Thanks all! I think overall patience and consistency in enforcing (and exemplifying) these manners will just have to prevail.
My 4 year old is definitely more shy and reserved, at least in new circumstances. Generally I’ve let it slide if she’s felt uncomfortable saying hi or bye in a situation, and have just tried to lead by example and gentle reminders on the please/thank you front. I’m an introverted person myself so I was fine with being patient with her comfort level. It’s come to a head recently because her reluctance to say hi or engage in new situations recently was seen as lacking in engagement and a failure to listen to instructions, which probably cost her a spot in a program she was excited to join with some friends.
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Also be sure to pay attention to your own example! My husband and I didn’t realize how often we fail to say ‘please’ until suddenly our children were champions about saying thank you (we always do) and iffy on please. Once we looked at ourselves we realized that’s what we’d be modeling 🤦♀️
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