I'm nearing the end of the road of pregnancy (36 weeks) and as the days fly by I keep getting more and more anxious and scared to give birth for the first time. My fiancée and I watched some online birthing classes tonight and though the advice was good I ended up crying and getting scared. 
It seems like my mind is just in overdrive these days and I can't seem to think of anything else but the pain I'm going to be in come d-day (I can barely tolerate the dentist how the heck am I going to get through birth!) I'm all for getting and epidural but I'm so afraid of the unknown and the what-ifs. Is there any advice you mamas can give? or did you feel really scared the first time but realized your thoughts and fears weren't as bad as the real thing?
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I think everyone feels like this because no matter how much you read, watch, etc., it's just a complete fear of the unknown. You know there will be pain but don't know how exactly it will manifest itself or what you can compare it to. In my personal experience the fear was worse than the reality. And a lot of it for me was running in adrenaline and knowing I could do it. I did have an epidural but it didn't take away the pain of pushing - and I did it! Congrats to you!
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I'm not sure how into "woo-woo" stuff you are, but what about creating some birth affirmations? Writing down things like, "I can do it!" ... "The pains are just sensations" ... "It's not going to be forever."
Then you could take a bit of time each day to sit quietly and think about what you've written.
One of the pieces I took away from Ina May Gaskin's book was about how holding fear and feelings inside can actually keep you from dialating. Like, if an animal is under stress or hurt, they won't go into labor. It said talking to someone about the fears or concerns can be so very helpful.
I think the truth is: childbirth is powerful ... there is pain ... it's the hardest you'll ever work. BUT, the baby is worth all of it. Your birth team will coach & support you. Every contraction and push gets you closer to your baby.
Lastly, maybe ask your OBGYN to have a very realistic conversation about what you can expect from the epidural. They probably know better than anyone.
YOU CAN DO IT!!
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By the end of my pregnancy I was SO uncomfortable that I was really looking forward to going into labor (and I was definitely like you--scare and anxious of the pain and the unknown!)
My L&D wasn't smooth...I had a long back labor with two epidurals that stopped working (not common). But there was a lot of adrenaline, I knew the pain was for a great reason, and I was able to just sort of give myself over to it and breathe myself into a zen-like state (seriously, I didn't utter a sound during most of my labor....I was too busy visualizing each contraction as a wave with a definite beginning, crest, and end. That helped a lot!)
If it helps at all...I remember that it was the worst pain I had ever felt at the time (which was still not as bad as I had pictured it being), but I can't remember the pain itself. It was all pretty immediately fuzzy. 3 years later I'm pregnant with my second and actually looking forward to it...
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I can barely tolerate the dentist- like they have rubbed numbing cream on my guns during routine cleanings- and I had a med free delivery! The two are totally different.
As long as you trust your delivery team you will be great. Like @lovehoneybee: I do remember that it was the worst pain I've been in, but I couldn't remember what it felt like a few hours later. It's the craziest thing. And I have never felt more in awe of my body than after that. I'm weirdly looking forward to doing it again too.
For me, it helped to read all kinds of birth stories, if the ones with some complications or whatever. It helped me feel like I at least had a good idea of things that might happen.
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The fear brought me to tears a few times in the last weeks, and I watched labor videos online that scared the crap out of me, but the fear was definitely worse than reality. And the excitement builds in the moment - it's almost time to hold your baby! And really once this starts, there is no stopping, so you really just accept that you have to keep moving forward.
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@paigeface: your feeling is normal and everyone's experience is different. I had such trouble that I would have never attempted a vaginal birth if I knew ahead of time what I would experience. Can women request c-sections? I don't know but holy hell it may be worth talking to your dr about if you really have terrible anxiety over a vaginal birth. I'm only having another child because I'll be having a repeat c-section otherwise I would never ever do that again. This may not be the best answer here and I'm sorry if it's a downer but it's my reality here and I wish you the best of luck with your delivery.
I labored for 36hours (induced, back labor) and baby got stuck in pelvis. Got epidural then couldn't feel or push and they took it away. Worst pain I've ever experienced and was relieved when I was told emergency c section.I remember how nice everyone's stories were and only one lady told me the truth about how labor will be. ..... But it will ALL be worth it when that baby is in your arms.
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I haven't given birth yet but I spoke to my expecting twins instructor and also my doula and they both said there are some mothers that anticipate and stress out when the next contraction would be. So my doula said she will try to relax or prepare me for upcoming contractions and help me through the pain. She said mothers who are tense tend to have a harder time getting through the pain. I'm hoping she is right and is able to get me through the pain.
I do have to say that since I'll most likely be induced at 34 weeks that I've heard cold inductions with meds tend to have longer and harder time laboring. That scares me. I am worried about the pain but now I'm worried about laboring for 12-36 hours. I'm hoping the induction meds work for me and my body will be ready to pop my twins out. Wishful thinking, I guess. Since I'm having twins, I've been open to having a c-section and having a epidural. For the epidural, the line will be placed but no meds flowing until I or the Dr says so. What is unknown to me is when that will happen. I do know that epidurals can fail and there is a point in which it's too late to get an epidural. Hoping my doula will be able to help me with that. -
I kept repeating it's only one day in the weeks before. Well it ended up being 43 hours (I had an emergency induction and a failed epi), but the idea is still there, it's a small amount of time in my life. I was terrified of birth and opted to see a therapist starting at about 10 weeks. I'm not going to lie, it was bad, but now we are on the other side and it's so distant now that I have my sweet almost 6 months old. I'm such a wimp, if I can do it so can you. Just make sure you are not pressured into having anyone at the birth you are not comfortable with.
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@paigeface: I listened to some Hypnobabies tracks in my third trimester both pregnancies. That helped calm me down and helped me sleep. It is really optimistic and I don't wholeheartedly believe everything it says but they are nice thoughts.
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You have nothing to be afraid of. Is labor painful? Yes. But our bodies were built to give birth and the pain is not ever lasting, there is an end. The pain will not kill you, I promise. I was not fearful of labor/birth and I had a very very long and hard labor (36 hours of back labor, 26 of that was natural w/ no drugs). Would I do it again? Yep! I would take labor over breastfeeding any day! You CAN do this mama!!!
I second the birth affirmations! The more fear & tension your body is holding, the more difficult labor will be. -
I was anxious but focused on it being an event that I am going to get through. I am not a marathon runner but giving birth was my marathon. I got through it and it wasn't that bad. The nurses were great. My DH said and did all the right things (I think attending the childbirth prep class prepared him to do that). The pain in recovery is more memorable to me than the pain with labor but I would do it again. The pain lasts a very short time (if you experience it) in the big picture of things.
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I was scared the first time...and the second time. As a lot of PPs have said, the pain of labor and childbirth is just different. It all has a purpose.
One thing I wish I knew as a FTM is that you will (most likely) get a break in betwen contractions where you feel totally normal. It's not like you are in constant pain. Also the more relaxed you can stay the better. Relaxing your face is key to relaxing your cervix and your whole body I found. Breaking labor down in your head to just taking it one contraction at a time can also make it seem less daunting. Lastly, my yoga instructor always reminded us to repeat "it's pressure not pain" or "it's pain with a purpose".
Also - in my experience a good epidural can make it go totally smoothly. -
My biggest fear was having a c-section because of how serious it is and the long recovery. I ended up having a fairly quick vaginal delivery for my first one (16 hours from very beginning to end, only 4 hours of real labour) and TBH I didn't find it all that bad. Yeah it hurt, so I got an epidural and that worked for me. It's really a crap shoot because you have no idea what you are in for, but it will go by quickly and you will be OK.
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I was totally scared too and was secretly hoping for a csection (not sure why just "thought" it sounded better than having to push a 7 lb baby out my who ha). However when the time came I just kept telling myself that millions of women go through childbirth ALL the time and they survive so, so could I. I also thought of some wimpy friends of mine who had done it and that made me realize I could do it too!! In the end it was no where as bad as I thought it would be. I mean it wasn't all rainbows and cotton candy BUT it was no where what I had "fabricated" in my head.
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I HATE the dentist. Like I get heart palpitations thinking about getting a cleaning.
The thing that helped me with labor was the fact that it's not like you start off with stage 10 contractions. It really is a slow (sometimes too slow!) natural progression. I had a difficult labor and delivery but never once did I think "I can't do this" or "this is too much". Your body kind of takes over and knows what to do. And yes - the epidural was my best friend.
I was nervous of the unknown but in the end I found out I was stronger than I thought I was . At the end of it all I was really proud of my body, in a weird way. Here I am 6 weeks from doing it again - so either I'm crazy or it wasn't that bad
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@Charm54: Thats a really good point about the slow contractions. It doesn't normally just go Bang you're in labor and in pain. Mine started out nothing worse than period cramps and nothing worse than the other pregnancy pains I had.
My first labor was long and hard. I had been told we had a large baby and that scared me. There was one point I had to speak up and tell the nurse that I needed to speak to my dr. who came in and gave me reassurance and helped me through some pushes. Don't be afraid to speak up if you aren't comfortable. It sounds like hiring a Doula would be REALLY helpful for you.
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Such good advice on this thread.
I had a very uneventful birth experience but I was terrified leading up to it - I actually think it was good because it distracted me from being terrified of having a child to care for after the birth!
I agree with others - does it hurt? Hell yes. Is it doable? Absolutely. I had an epidural from 6-9cm, then it was turned off so I could feel pushing. Honestly the pushing was less painful than the contractions. The great thing is - when it came time to push and the Dr told me I did a great practice push I remember asking her "seriously - that was good? thats all I have to do to make this end?" and she said yes. I took control and baby was out in 4 more pushes...TMI but it really just felt like the worst and most painful poop. But then immediate relief (until it was time for stitches) even with a 3rd degree tear.
You can do it - and you will make it through it! Trust in yourself and your doctors! And remember - women do this all over the world every second in all kinds of situations!
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Like @Corduroy, I listened to Hypnobabies during my third tri. I didn't even end up with a drug-free birth, but I loved how the tracks kept me calm. The affirmations one is really positive. Also my epidural was amazing! I really didn't feel anything once I had it. Good luck, you can do it!
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@Tidybee: I second relaxing your face...that was one thing the nurse kept telling me when I was pushing! Make a concious effort to relax my face and relaxing the rest of my body would come way easier!
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Anxious? Definitely. Terrified something could go wrong? Yup, for sure.
The level of pain didn't scare me so much because I knew I could always opt into an epidural. And if that didn't work, a spinal block. I wasn't just going to be SOL in that department; my dr promised me i had options. And everything's out of control to some extent, so i focused on what i *could* control. I spent a helluva lotta time planning how to manage labor, assuming I'd go into it on my own. And then, bam, my blood pressure sky rockets and I start spilling protein, so they send me in for an induction. But, honestly, by the time you're that far along, you're just ready to get the show on the road.
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I think toothache and dental work hurt worse than labor! I can't deal with dental work without numbing cream or injections, but had unmedicated labor twice. And yes, it hurts, but like @Tidybee: said you feel totally normal between contractions. And a lot of people say that when it gets so bad you think you can't take it any more... that means you're in the home stretch and baby will be out soon. That was my experience too.
And it's crazy how fast you forget the pain! My second labor was more painful and I remember thinking the whole time that there is no way I'm agreeing to do this again. Just a month later, I think I could deal with it if we for some reason lose our marbles and decide to have a third kid.
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Man, anyone who tells you that it is pressure, not pain, is a big lying liar. I had an epidural with my first (an induction), which I really truly hated. I was determined to go natural with my recent second baby, and I did. And man, did it hurt. But I did it, I got through it, and it was never as bad as I thought it might be.
One thing I really noticed was how much I was stressing myself out. Each contraction was bad, but then it would end and I would be ok. But I had this terrible fear that they would eventually stack up and I'd just be in constant agony - and I was really freaking out based on that fear, not based on what was currently happening. Well, that never happened, and I wasted a lot of energy freaking out over nothing. So I'd really say prepare yourself with coping techniques, take each one as they come, and know that you can get an epidural if you need one. And if you really want to go natural, just focus on getting through each contraction, and forget about the next one.
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I was terrified too! Honestly, I did spend a good portion of pregnancy freaking out over labor and birth. I have super low pain tolerance; I've never had surgery, never broken anything... Birth class freaked me out even more!
I got an induction so it's a little different, and I think that when it comes down to it, I couldn't stop the process, so I just sucked it up I guess... Did it hurt every time they checked my cervix/shoved meds up there to ripen it? Yeah... it wasn't the worst... Was I scared of the epidural? Yesss.. But by then I was starting to have cramps (but totally manageable) so I was like well, do I want to feel more pain later? So I got it and it was fine and I felt great! Was I freaking out when it came time to push? Heck yes! The epidural had worn off slightly so that I could really feel the contractions to push. The epidural also didn't really hit this one spot and that hurt! But when you're there already, there is no turning back and all I cared about was that my baby was healthy and safe. In the end, I tore and got cut (two of my worst fears) but I didn't feel either, and only felt slight stinging when getting stitched up (your hormones are CRAZY right after birth so I don't think I cared about anything!). And surprising the healing after was pretty great! I was expecting to be in so much pain and was afraid to pee/wipe my butt, etc etc haha!
Oh and I almost had an emergency c-section. I was in the OR getting prepped just in case and I was scared out of my mind but again, when you're there, I cared more about my baby being safe.
You will be fine! If me, the giant pain wuss can do it, so can you!
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Maybe focus on the fact that it may not be the worst thing ever...? I got induced and had an epidural and then a c-section and nothing about the process was the worst pain I'd ever had. And I had back labor. It was very painful but not really in a "omg I can't stand it" way for me. Just like-- wow this sucks. And then I opted for an epidural because I was progressing slowly and I didn't want to do that for another 12+ hours. And getting the epidural placed hurt but again... maybe just slightly worse than getting a shot. Then it didn't hurt at all. My c section didn't hurt at all. My recovery didn't even really hurt much (I only ever took tylenol and advil, not even narcotics). I feel like I had the "worst case scenario" birth where everyone is okay-- induction leading to c section. But it was not as bad as I thought it would be. And once the kid is actually born you just don't even care anymore anyways.
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I cannot thank each and everyone of you enough for the out pouring responses.
Reading all of your experiences has truly helped me and I believe will help me when the day comes soon. THANK YOU all. I couldn't sleep last night from the anxiety and I think tonight I will be able to rest and let my body (and baby) relax! 
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I was terrified once I went into labor, but I knew I wanted an epidural. I heard the horror stories of them failing or having to do them multiple times... But, they were AMAZING for both of my labors and I was able to relax and just hang out until it was time to push. I had no pain.
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I was pretty scared/anxious about giving birth. I am that person that asks the dentist for more novocaine once they start drilling! I was secretly disappointed when DS turned (he was transverse up until about 31/32 weeks) bc I thought having a planned c-section would be preferable to the unknowns that come along with a vaginal delivery. I was induced at 41+1 and was terrified that I'd have a long induction and then need to have an emergency c-section anyway. Well, my induction went really well and the whole thing took about 12-13 hours start-to-finish. The two hours of pushing was not necessarily a fun time (epidural wore off toward the end) but overall I didn't think it was that bad. I definitely plan to do it again! The healing process for me was a little different bc I fractured my tailbone during the 2 hours of pushing, but recovering from the tears/general vaginal birth otherwise was not completely awful.
Anyway, to summarize: was terrified of vaginal birth, it wasn't that bad, would do it again, and you will be fine!!
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@bluestriped bee: I was induced and I read SO many induction stories before hand, and that helped me to know the range of what I might go through.
It def was long for me; I had been in the hospital for 24 hrs before I was ready to push with no food/water (IV drip). I also had a scare that almost got me an emergency c-section (her heart rate was really low for a while), but the worst then would've been that I needed a c-section; by then I didn't care, I just wanted my baby girl to be safe. I pushed for a long time, I think it was b/c I was so tired from being at the hospital for so long! I started induction at like 0 dialated, 0 effaced tho... The good thing about chilling in the hospital (I know you already are!) is that you for sure won't miss the chance for an epidural! Overall my experience wasn't bad at all!
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@Mae: I mostly got an epidural because by the time I was admitted I had been having contractions for like 20 hours and was only at 5cm I was SO TIRED and just wanted to rest!
@paigeface: You're going to do great!!!
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I had a root canal last week, and I found it way worse than giving birth, which I've done twice. Given, I had an epidural both times, but I actually found it to be a really cool experience. I hope you have the same kind of birth I did!
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@LAZB: No way, that's awesome. I hated my root canal. I hope I have one similar to yours too!
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