Has anyone else read this? Thought this was a great article by The Atlantic on the difference between those in lasting vs non-lasting marriages:
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
I think this applies to so much more than marriages though, I think a lot of what they say here is relevant to friendships and all kinds of relationships in our lives. Really liked the last part about the 4 different response styles too.
cherry / 132 posts
I read this a couple of weeks ago and forwarded to my husband, thanking him for being so communicative and kind to me! I agree it is so relevant to all areas of life and all relationships, really fascinating to think about responses and what people actually hear.
Must add, though, that since sending article to my husband, he's been thrilled to point out anytime I'm not responding to his "bids"! haha.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Gigi2: Hahah, uh oh... maybe I shouldn't have sent it to my husband after all... it might backfire on me! 
In all seriousness, I like how it'll make us a little more self aware on how we respond to each other on a regular basis. Those little bids or non-bids can definitely add up!
cherry / 132 posts
@mrs.highheels: It is funny! But I agree that it's a great "check" or reminder. It has been a really nice way for us to think about the positives in our relationship and how we treat each other! Has also made me think twice in responses to others, like mom, MIL, etc. Can't wait to hear if your husband picks on your no-bids too 
grapefruit / 4997 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: This article is such a good read! I fell inlove with my husband because he is the kindest, sincerest person I know. He's taught me so much about being patient and kind. He's received so many golden opportunities for being so kind to others in his life. Thanks for sharing.
papaya / 10343 posts
Interesting! I feel like DH and I usually do pretty well in terms of communicating/relating to each other but that article definitely pointed out some areas we could improve on. I think I tend to ignore some of my husband's "bids" when he is talking about things I'm not interested in like sports or when he is trying to tell me about his job or school in too much detail (he's in finance which I don't understand at all and I tend to tune out). I also think he tends to respond to me with a lot of passive constructive comments because his response to almost anything good I tell him is "great!" or "good job" or "awesome!" and thats it.
nectarine / 2667 posts
This was great, thanks for sharing! All of Gottman's work makes so much sense to me. My husband found out yesterday that a good friend of his has been quietly separated from his wife for several months; we're both so bummed out! We're also confused, like "How does this happen? Will it happen to us?" I'm glad to read this and remind myself of what we can do to keep our relationship healthy (and, to me, kindness & engagement don't seem that hard!)
I will say that I know I ignore his "bids" sometimes because I give myself a pass for being tired from parenting. I need to stop that.
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
I really like this article, thanks for sharing! This makes so much sense to me: "there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship."
pomelo / 5628 posts
Love it! I sent it to my husband too. I definitely like how it says you can see negativity she it's not there...I think I do. But working on kindness and "bids" can really help.
cantaloupe / 6687 posts
Love this article! I definitely feel like it applies to marriages and other relationships - parent-child and friend to friend.
ETA: I thought this was particularly interesting
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
Makes me sad bc I definitely see some friends that have active destructive dynamics in their marriages 
bananas / 9227 posts
Great article! I definitely think it's relevant to other relationships. "Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?" -- that pretty much summarizes why I can never realistically have a close and loving relationship with a couple in mind. I've noticed effort in their part, which I appreciate, but they are overall still very critical for anyone's liking.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Kimberlybee: I feel like you described my husband too! What you said about the golden opportunities has been really true for him too. People just see him as competent, kind, and genuine... so they seem to want the best for him and it helps him get a leg up in places, especially professionally.
@Mae: Same here, for me I tend to do the "uh huh... uh huh... yea, ok" thing when he comes bouncing home so excited about the newest craft beer he got for his collection! DH is in finance too, so I hear you about the finance talk.
@JoyfulKiwi: That's so sad. I know, those kind of things don't just happen out of the blue - it takes years of build-up, resentment, and a lack of respect/love for one another to make it happen. 
@nana87: Yes, I find that happening in my own marriage and other relationships too! When people go out of their way for you, or extend kindness in various forms, how can you not want to return the favor? One example I've seen in my own marriage is that DH is so good about insisting I take a night out by myself or with girlfriends and has no problem handling the kids all on his own. And so when it comes time for him to do stuff on his own, it's easier for me to say, "yea go! have fun - don't worry about me!".
@sandy: I believe that statistic. I think you can glean a lot from watching the way a couple interacts, the way they phrase things to one another, their body language, etc. We have friends with the active destructive dynamic going on too...
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@SugarplumsMom: Omg we have a couple friend like that too. They're hypercritical about everything, and we always wonder if we're being judged after a hangout with them because they usually have something negative to say about other people when we're with them. Needless to say, we try to keep our distance.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: Thanks so much for posting this!!! I think Hubs and I have a pretty solid relationship, but I'm definitely going to take this into consideration and try to make sure I'm responding to his bids and being as kind as possible! 
grapefruit / 4442 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: Agreed with everyone. Thank you for posting this. I started to catch myself with bids and now I try to engage DH when he throws out a bid. Worked so far. thanks again!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Adira: @bunnylove08: I caught myself a lot with the bids last night too! Of course after DH read the article, the first thing he said was, "It just confirms that you married such a kind and considerate man. Aren't you lucky?" - BARF. 
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