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@babycanuck: What are your (as a couple) expectations for household chores? I would say we are pretty 50-50, I do most cleaning and laundry but he does the dishes (we don't have a dishwasher,) yard work and a lot of the cooking. Before we got married, we had a discussion about this because I didn't want him to think I should do more because I am a woman (especially since we both work full time.) Luckily, we have the same 50/50 expectations with parenting, too.
In essence, what are his and your expectations for these things?

It's a constant battle in any relationship, I think. But one thing I've learned over the years is you never win by trying to prove you have it harder. It just makes you feel more miserable about your own situation. At the very least, wait until you have both had a good night's sleep to talk about it.

Can you work out a cooking schedule?

@babycanuck: It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a talk about your expectations, and make a schedule if that helps. I'd say it's better to get this sorted out before a LO enters the picture and there's even more responsibilities to share.

@babycanuck: I'm sorry. I'm really struggling with this lately- And I for sure work shorter hours than you do! I can only imagine.
Hopefully, it was just a bad day, and he apologizes tomorrow (and wakes up in time to TTC )

@babycanuck: Sorry to be off topic - but you said you just had uterine surgery. What kind if you don't mind sharing? Only asking because I did too - Friday! I had a fibroid removed ... waiting for the pathology report. It.was.not.fun. But hopefully this means we can TTC in Jan or Feb!! Hope yours went well. And that your husband takes off his cranky pants!

@babycanuck: What does that mean, a septum? A separating of some kind? Yikes I am so glad it's over! My doctor also said to "wait a cycle" - what do you think this means? AF is due Dec 20 ... so ovulation could be Jan 2. Do you think it means I have to wait another one after that?? I wasn't clear... haha.

I dont think this is a man thing, it's a your husband is being kind of a dick thing. It will get 1000000 times worse once a baby comes along, since no matter how great your partner is, you will most likely be the default parent (esp if you are nursing.) so, I really suggest you guys work this out now because your husband will need to step it up around the house once a baby comes along.

@babycanuck: This would not fly with me. Before my husband was disabled, we were very egalitarian with the chores. When I worked longer hours he did more chores and vice versa.

It sounds like he needs to change his attitude, especially before you have kids. It's not ok for him to tell you to clean up after him.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but I gotta agree that this isn't a man thing. My husband totally gets how hard I work and wouldn't think of telling me I don't cook enough etc. He knows that isn't my job as I have a full time job just like him. I do cook often but we hire help for cleaning because he's messy and I don't have time. We function as a team and we both pull our weight. I really think you guys need to talk about this. And grown ups should know that if they stay out late, they're not gonna still have to be an adult the next day.

A conversation is in order (when you're both well rested). But I kind of disagree with the 50/50 thing. I feel like that's not super attainable. We talked about each of our strengths and those are the chores that we end up with. I'm OCD and dont' like to eat the same thing over and over so do almost all of the cooking and cleaning. DH is a finance nerd so handles all money affairs with a montly 'state of the family' money update to me along with having all of our account info in a file in case I want to go look on my own. So I end up doing a ton of work day in and day out to keep the household running, and he spends a couple hours monthly doing all the money stuff. It's by no means 50/50 but I'd be miserable doing the money stuff and would be annoyed if he didn't clean up to my standards so it works for us. That's just an example but playing to your strengths and asking for help when you feel like you might start getting resentful goes a long way.

@babycanuck: Don't make excuses for his nasty behavior. He needs to own up to it and apologize. We all have bad days where we are tired and say inappropriate things but we apologize b/c that's the right thing to do

I didn't read the responses so

When my husband and I first starting living together, I just took on the role of doing everything. I would do all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. while he did whatever he wanted. My commute is three times as long as his, plus my workday is already longer so my work technically took up more of my week than his, yet he didn't have to do anything at home.

He has one day off during the week, then we both have Sunday off together (I get Saturday & Sunday). On his weekday off, he would usually do nothing at all, whereas on Saturday I would be doing household things. All. Day. Long. It got to a point where Saturday would make me so angry and upset that I began to dread it.

Eventually I came to a breaking point and told him he needs to help out and I can't take it anymore. He didn't even realize how much I was doing and how much it was bothering me. He promised to help around the house, but as I found, nothing changed. Then, once I started asking him to do specific things, everything changed. Now if I need help, I ask him to do something and he does it.

Long story short: Be specific. Don't say "you need to help out more", tell him "can you please put the dishes away before bed tonight". Be clear on what you need from him, how it makes you feel when you don't get it and when/how you need it done.

I agree with @alohaorchid: , my husband just doesn't see mess the same way I do. He stays up much later than me so when I say goodnight I mention a few things that he should do before he goes to sleep (last night, he helped with cooking dinner so I just asked him to put the remaining dishes in the dishwasher and hand wash the pots and pans).

@babycanuck: I totally get people being tired and being cranky, but he is in charge of his actions & words regardless of hiw much sleep he got (a lesson better learned pre-sleepless newborn nights!). I don't think I can really answer your question because I've never had to convince my husband of how hard I work. But if this is an issue of chore division, fairness, and respect I'd probably talk to him about how upsetting it is to constantly hear you don't "do" as much and that you'd like him to be more respectful when he talks to you about this topic.

@babycanuck: Another thing, I understand needing "guy time" however a married man out until 4 am would piss me off, there is no reason for someone to be out that late who is in a committed relationship and then on top of that feels the need to sleep the entire next day. My DH knows that if he goes out and stays later than he should, that does not change wake up time. Our LO doesn't allow sleeping in, so she annoys him until he gets up, but in any case I would not be okay with up until dawn and sleeping the day away. This isn't college.

Uh I'm part time self employed and I work from home. M has a super demanding career and often travels all week and works 60+ hours a week. I don't work as hard as he does, but he still treats me with respect. I have never been treated the way you are describing. I agree with other posters, I think this in not a 'men' issue sounds like it's an attitude your partner holds.

And even though part of 'my role' is to suppourt him and the house, since I got pregnant he has had to shift to help out a lot more. I had nasty m/s and have had two falls (once down the stairs and once on a photo shoot) so he is also having to carry everything up and down the stairs like laundry. He has picked up on cooking and cleaning too. And I'm not surprised because thats just the kind of guy he is.

Sounds like TTC this month could be replaced by some serious chats about gender roles and expectations about division of labor now and in the future. It's only going to get more intense, pregnancy can be really tough on the best of relationships, and I can't imagine how much harder having a new baby will make things.