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That would drive me bonkers too! It's especially hard when things like that happen every single night. I think the most helpful thing for me is just to remind myself that it's developmentally appropriate and that he would do something differently if he could. I might still be annoyed at whatever irrational thing my DS (28 months) is doing but it usually makes me feel a little better.

@irene: ugh, the "pee" thing is so hard! You can't say no!
I feel like the food struggles in our house are worse in the last 6 months. actually all parenting has been harder at three! I lose my temper so much more easily. Sometimes I feel my self getting impatient and I know I'm on the track to mad, but I just don't have the tools always to calm myself before I get angry. It's hard! I was glad when you posted because I'm interested to see what others say...

Armchair psychology here. The reason it makes you mad is that you suspect that he is playing you. And he is. He doesn't have the world's most mercurial hunger pains. He doesn't truly swing wildly from being super sleepy to wide awake. This a pattern of behavior, a routine, and you've seen that it's repeated not just with food but other areas of life as well.

I think it's all about pushing your buttons so he knows where the boundaries are. He has discovered that he can make you dance like a puppet on a string with just a few words ("I'm hungry!" "I'm tired!") and then make you jerk the other way with what amounts to just one word (the equivalent of "no"). What does this behavior accomplish? It puts him in a position of power over you. It's a game he always wins. So, it's pretty unlikely that the game is going to stop on its own.

I want to be clear that I'm not saying he is intentionally manipulating you. He isn't planning it out while he lays in bed at night, obviously. But while it is not intentional, it is still a form of manipulation. It is still an unhealthy power dynamic. It is essentially disrespectful to you and your DH and sets a poor standard of behavior.

We have a motto in our house that both adults and children must live by. Mean what you say and say what you mean. A child who says something they don't actually mean like, "I'm full," when they are clearly not, is technically lying. A parent who says, "I better not hear you say you're hungry later," but has absolutely no intention of backing that up with real consequences is technically lying. You're making empty threats out of frustration, and your child knows that you are (currently) powerless against his will.

You have two choices. The first option is to decide that this is not a hill you don't want to die on. Lots of people shrug and say, "They'll grow out of it." That's fine, but you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. You need to tell yourself, "This is the new normal, I don't want to fight him for it, and I shouldn't put false expectations on it to stop in a month or even a year. It will stop when it stops." Let it go. Pretend it doesn't bother you until (hopefully) it doesn't, and it might lose some of its appeal to your kid at that point (maybe?).

I'm obviously biased, but I wouldn't go that route. I've seen it in other families, and it seems like a lot of times, the kid will take that pattern and find new ways to jerk their parents around as time goes on. Your only other choice is to say to yourself that this IS a hill to die on, not because of the particulars of how it inconveniences you, but because there is a greater war to be won. This is a battle of wills. This is about your child investigating who is really in charge, who is really the leader of your little family, and it's up to you to assert yourself. You are not the slave of a little tyrant who can get what he wants with a whine or tantrum. YOU are in charge because you are more rational and experienced than a three year old. So you need to show him that he can't take advantage of you. He cannot win. Once he realizes that no matter what he tries to do, you will no longer dance on a string, he will give up and the manipulation will stop.

The first option where you let it go is easier than the second option--at least at first. It will get harder over time as he ups the ante. The second option is much, much harder in the short term, but will reap long term benefits. So you have to weigh that when you decide what to do.

If you decide to nip this behavior in the bud, you don't need to make a big production about it. Stay calm and assertive. Explain simply over dinner, as if this is just a natural change in your household, "From now on, we only eat together at the table as a family. You may only leave the table when the last person is finished with their food and we tell you that you are excused." From now on, there is no food on the counter he's able to grab for a snack, and he isn't allowed to go into the pantry or fridge without permission. All eating (snacks, etc.) when not on the go is done at your table. You and your DH will no longer ask him if he is full. EVER. Because that is no longer a benchmark you're trying to meet. It doesn't matter. If he volunteers he's full while at the table, give a non-response. "We all sit together at the table until everyone is finished."

A 3.5 year old can easily hold their urine for an hour at the table (and if you're really concerned, take him to the potty right before dinner so you know he isn't bursting). Don't rush to finish in the hopes of curbing a meltdown. Don't take his plate away if he says he's full, just have him sit in front of his plate without pressuring him--he may eat extra just because it's there in front of him and he's bored. Clear plates only after everyone is done. If he begins whining or crying at the table, give him immediate consequences (a time out, spanking or whatever you do) and then bring him directly back to the table. Wash and repeat.

When dinner is done (and you're thinking this is more trouble than it's worth and it's not even 6 PM yet), go about your routine as normal, not mentioning food at all. Wait for him to strike. Which he will. He will give a Shakespearian performance of someone dying of hunger. You will calmly, dispassionately remind him that we only eat together as a family at the table. He will whine or tantrum, you will give consequences for said behavior. You will not give in. He may go to bed a little hungry that night--but you are NOT starving him. Put away the mom guilt. His health is not in peril. Going to bed a little hungry is a natural consequence to his behavior, and it will quickly put an end to this unhealthy pattern he's trapped himself in.

This is not about food or sleep or whatever. If he skips meal or misses a nap, it isn't the end of the world. It's about the bigger picture. That's why you find yourself losing your temper--because you can feel yourself losing control and being at the mercy of an irrational three year old, but you can't see a way around it. If I were you, I'd take this opportunity to assert you and your DH (your husband MUST be on board) as the leaders of your little family and re-establish the natural order. I think you'll find that your child will actually be happier for it. /soapbox

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When I nannied I would occasionally have to tell the children, "right now I am feeling angry (frustrated, upset, tired, whatever) and I need to have a quiet time for a few minutes." They really seemed to "get" that, and it helped me get back to a place of calmness to deal with whatever was going on.

Three is really too young to try to rationalize or explain-- their brains just aren't there yet. So with regards to the dinner thing, I would be very straight forward: we only eat at dinner time, there will be no snacks later. Maybe even insist he stay at the table until everyone is done, to give him a chance to eat some more. When I was growing up we had to eat at least 3 bites of everything on our plate-- could you do something like that so at least you know he ate something?

@Oxana: That is the most incredible advice I have ever read - I think it may have changed my life (even though it was written for Irene). I am the queen of "pick your battles" and I pick none because then I cant lose any. The result is I'm a slave to a (beautiful, delightful) little tyrant who rules the house and issues demands like a machine gun!

I disagree with the go to bed hungry approach, I always let my son have a snack after dinner if I feel that he has not eaten enough during the day (especially if he hasn't eaten a good enough lunch). I choose the snack and if he doesn't want that, well, he's not really hungry. If he's hungry, he will eat what I offer.

As for calming down, I've found that my son responds when I tell him exactly how his behavior makes me feel. He really has taken to heart that what he does causes reactions that he might not always like, which is normal. I don't want him to think he always has to make the "right" choice based on what other people think. He has to make his choice and own the consequences.

@irene: Maybe finding a couselor/therapist who can give you some advice on best ways to calm your anger would be a good route. It sounds like you know your reactions are extreme, especially in response to normal preschooler behavior, but you don't know how to change the way you respond. No shame in asking for help. I don't think anyone here is really qualified to help without knowing all the dynamics of your family.

@irene: before I got married, I saw a therapist for my anger issues. She showed me that anger is just a secondary emotion to so many other emotions. Most of the primary emotions I was feeling that were exhibited as anger were fear and sadness. She really helped me figure out where the anger was coming from and why I was experiencing it.

I think going to a therapist to work on your anger and then bringing your family in with you to work on family issues could be a BIG help here. If you don't have good insurance, it can be expensive. That being said, it can help resolve problems before they begin. I was afraid of going to see a therapist before I did thinking there was just something horribly wrong with me. But once I went, I realized therapy is a great release and a safe place to get help.

Anger is a tough thing to deal with and can turn scary. Being a parent of a 3.5 year old and someone with anger issues, I totally get it. The therapy I received has helped me work through it at the most stressful times of parenting, though.

I once read somewhere that the only things a toddler / preschooler has control over are eating, sleeping and eliminating, so hence why that's what 90% of parenting battles are about!

@irene: have you tried the old counting to ten trick? Or just walking away? I'm sure you probably have but sometimes I find them to be two classics to rely back on when I feel my buttons being pushed.

I have a hot temper and can lose my patience easily, especially when I'm really tired. I have found that Janet Lansbury's "No Bad Kids" really helped me to regain some control over my own feelings. You can listen to the book on audio while you're doing chores around the house. She has a website, too. It's really logical parenting advice.