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Unfriendly mamas at LO's preschool

  1. Smurfette

    GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts

    @pinkcupcake: completely agree. My kid is at day care for 10 hours a day. On the weekends we spend time with her. We play with our friends kids, cousins, etc. We have had a play date with one kid from her class cause they are obsessed with each other and both asked for it. But the Mom and I had become friends. I don't have a desire to set up one with any of the other kids. I want nothing but the best for the kids in her class but it isn't my responblity to be their social calendar.

  2. catomd00

    grapefruit / 4418 posts

    @TerBA: for me, friendships are about quality not quantity. I'm an introvert so socialization is exhausting, even with family and close friends. Making new friends in adulthood can be difficult and time consuming. I have two very close friends. One of which I talk to every few months and see once a year. Neither of us have time in our lives for more. Quantity of time spent together doesn't make a friendship. It's not being "cliquish", it's just reality. I'd rather spend the time with my bff whom I never see rather than a new person i don't know very well.

    Also, I was one of the only FTM in my daughters daycare class which I think makes a difference. Most BTDT moms probably already have their established friend group and not looking for mom friends as much as FTMs are...

  3. sunny

    coconut / 8430 posts

    Totally agree that my child's well being is my responsibility and not other parents. We both work demanding full time jobs and we are friendly to the other parents we see at school but we don't go out of our way to set up weekend play dates with daycare friends because we have other friends we would like to see on weekends.

    I don't think it's short sighted to not be 100% into making new friends constantly. Real and deep friendships take time and energy to nurture. We all have a limited amount of time each day. You could argue that by making new friends constantly you are letting older friendships go.

  4. Smurfette

    GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts

    @catomd00: exactly! I don't see my closest friends as much as I would like cause we are all so busy. So when I have time I want to see them and their kids.

    I will add I am always friendly to parents in the halls or classroom. I talk to a lot in the halls and class. Parents not even in her class.

  5. T.H.O.U.

    wonderful clementine / 24134 posts

    @TerBA: i absolutely agree that I am not responsible for your child's play dates and social life. That's not anyone else's responsibility but the parents directly. you are responsible for the well being of your child.

    Now I will add that I do care about my child's classmates. But I can't always give up my family time and my responsibilities to my own family. If I were to set up a play date it would be because I would feel that it either would benefit my child not because your child doesn't have a sibling.

  6. jedeve

    pomegranate / 3643 posts

    @TerBA: I think you make a good point. Kids are lonely, and as parents I hope we are willing to help look out for all children, not just our own. My kids aren't in preschool yet (although the oldest did go to daycare.) I am kind of an introvert and could see myself avoiding play dates with classmates. But I'm sure my mom sucked it up and went to play dates for me with my friend even if she wasn't hoping to be the mom's BFF.

  7. podomama

    pea / 8 posts

    Hi ! I am the OP (original poster). I'm glad to see this thread has been revived. lol.

    @mediagirl: Good question. Over the last year, I've gotten to somewhat know all of ONE mom - she is super friendly and nice. We chat once in a while when we see eachother and we did go on one playdate but other than that she doesn't seem like she is all that interested in socializing outside of preschool. Like others have said, I just think she doesn't really have the need or desire for more friends or playdates, she's busy, etc... As for all the other parents, I've chatted with a few at the 2 or 3 birthday parties we've attended, but that's about it. We even went to one boy's birthday party, I talked to his mom and everything, and now, she acts like she doesn't recognize me when I see her at the preschool. My conclusion is most of the parents already have a good base of friends/family with kids and they don't have a need to reach out and make new friends - but honestly, to me, they come off rude if they can't even say hi or just make friendly chit cat. Whatever. What can you do.

    @TerBa: I can relate to you ... my son is an only child and we don't have a lot of family, nor cousins his age and all my close friend's kids are much older. So I would love to find a mom who is in a similar situation whose kids gets along with my kid. The problem is, making new mom friends is apparently very difficult and similar to dating ( like trying to find a boyfriend/spouse) lol.

    I kept my son at the same preschool because he loved the teachers and he says he likes the kids. I am just really hoping it isn't like this when my son goes to kindergarten !

  8. lemondrop

    bananas / 9118 posts

    I'm definitely right there with @Raindrop: I try to be friendly and make small talk, but can be very shy until I get to know people. I work from home and have an 18 month old in addition to my pre-schooler, so I'm usually rushing to complete an errand or two during school time or get him down for naptime so I can get some work done.

    My oldest started preschool right after spring break last year, many of the parents aren't extremely outgoing. There was one super outgoing mom who I'd chat with at drop off and pick up. We've tried for a few playdates, but our schedules don't mesh great or one of the kids got sick. We are still working at it, but I really don't plan outside meetups or playdates more than sporadically anyway.

    If I had only one kid, I'd probably be game to do it more frequently, but with the needs of two kids, my job, and my husband, it unfortunately just isn't my first priority. Swim class and mini sports class at our YMCA definitely provided more outgoing people with more opportunities to hang around with.

  9. TerBA

    pea / 6 posts

    Just because someone is asking you for a playdate doesn't mean they believe you are personally responsible for their child's wellbeing. It just means they are asking for a playdate. If you decline, they have a right to feel somewhat disappointed over that. Even if you disagree with them feeling that way.

    Also, a mom wanting to be friendly with you doesn't mean she wants to be your BFF. Some of you need to understand that you are not all that. Also, stop assuming that the mom who wants playdates must not have any other women friends. She may not think you are a great person, just an average person like anyone else. A parent asking you for a playdate doesn't mean they are stalking you. Stop being so self-absorbed.

    If you can't at least say hello and hold open doors for other parents at your kids school, then you have a serious personal problem.

    I DO care about the wellbeing of other peoples children, and that's why I do volunteer work for my daughter's school. They have charity drives every where and I donate winter coats and personal hygiene items for those who can't afford. I volunteer to work in the school library once a week and volunteer for other school functions. I can't picture any of you self-important ladies doing these things, but maybe one day you could think about it.

    Also, for those of you who say you have enough friends. How long will that last? I am in my 40s now. I've lost several good friends to cancer already. Other friends have moved away, and some friendships have changed with time. You won't always have the same friends you have now, sorry. You might someday wish you'd made the effort to get to know more women.

  10. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @TerBA: You said

    "Just because someone is asking you for a playdate doesn't mean they believe you are personally responsible for their child's wellbeing."

    That seems to be contradicted by your previous statement of:

    "my child is an only child and doesn't have siblings at home to play with. That is why we need playdates. However, many parents don't care or even consider the loneliness of someone else's child. They only care about their own kid. Sad but true."

    Weren't you implying that you think parents SHOULD think about the potential loneliness of other children and should consider playdates for that reason (another kid's well-being, rather than their own child's)?

    Also, pretty sure no one implied that they thought they were the best of the best just because someone wanted a playdate with them... what made you think that?

  11. mrbee

    admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

    @TerBA: I've asked lots of daycare/preschool/elementary school parents for playdates and vice versa... and we've had tons of playdates as a result!

    On a side note, I don't find a lot of people on these boards overly self-absorbed or self-important... I do think that a lot of working parents (with kids in daycare/preschool) are just busy. That's probably a big factor here. I try to be courteous and polite during pickup and dropoff, but sometimes I'm just in a big rush to get to my desk and/or start my work day!

    We just had a joint birthday party for my kids and almost every single guest was a friend we've made at daycare, preschool or elementary school... so it's definitely possible to meet lots of close parenting friends from all of the above!

  12. Raindrop

    grapefruit / 4731 posts

    @TerBA: Are you okay? Did something happened recently?

    I want to say your post seems a bit out of line because I don’t think people here said anything close to what you are thinking they said. So I kind of get a feeling you are venting over something that happened to you recently?

  13. TerBA

    pea / 6 posts

    @Raindrop: Perhaps you need to go back and read all the other posts, then.

  14. oliviaoblivia

    pineapple / 12793 posts

    @TerBA: if this is how you approach a group of people trying to offer friendly advice I can't blame the other parents at your child's preschool for not wanting to spend time with you. This is an unusually civilized corner of the internet and the people that frequent these board are genuinely kind and friendly.
    I'm sorry you're having a hard time making friends in your real life. If you treat those that have offered friendly advice here kindly I'm certain that you could make a friend or two. Unfortunately your attitude and rudeness is really unappealing. Good luck.

  15. lemondrop

    bananas / 9118 posts

    @TerBA: You are certainly entitled to your frustration/vent, but I think it's a bit of an extreme reaction to equate not wanting play dates to not holding doors open for other people. There are a lot of great moms here and MUCH less snark than in other places online. Not everyone is comfortable in social situations, we are all different.

    We all have our priorities in life, and it's about finding others that line up with yours. I love HB and have made some fantastic long distance friends here, it has evolved into a lot of fun on Instagram and we send each other texts when we are having a hard day or can ask a question at any time day or night. It is what works in my life right now and I have zero guilt about that.

  16. Raindrop

    grapefruit / 4731 posts

    @TerBA: I was actually trying to be friendly by asking if you were okay.

    I did re-read everything. A lot of people mostly commented that they were just too busy to make new friends, no one actually said they had "enough friends". In fact if you do a word search you are the only one that writes that on both pages of this thread accusing this group of saying that.

    I did say I was already busy just trying to maintain the friendships I currently have to make room right now for more friends but doesn't mean to say I wasn't ever going to make room for new friends.

    Also saying that you don't feel like *ANY* of us volunteer or donate anything is kind of mean... just saying. I don't volunteer that much anymore but I use to volunteer a lot when I had more time (I even got the president award for doing more than 100 hours in a given year) and we have set amount in our budget for donations every year. I can picture *almost* everyone on this thread giving time and money to help others.

    Edit : this is the last comment I am going to write in this thread because I feel like maybe you might be trolling us.


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