I bring this up because I feel so bad for my mom because I
Think she is being so taken advantage of
If you are dropping your kid off to the grandparents 3-4 days a week, 12-14 hours a day, are they still expected
To do this job pro bono? I can understand if it's a random day and you can't find anyone to watch the baby while you have to run an important errand, or just have a date night and need some relief. It's bonding time. But my mom Is pretty much the baby sitter for my sisters very difficult child and they don't even gesture to pay my mother for her services.
I see how stressed out and tired she is from watching him all day. She passes out the second he leaves. Whenever anyone comes home, we have to relieve her so
She can get a rest. I have to take time away from my DD to watch her son. Especially since this was always time she intended to relax And travel but now she's stuck in a house with a baby that cries for 10 hours a day. It's not even that she needs the money but I find it so rude that my sister hasn't offered.
Do you think grandparents should have to suck it up and do this job for free ?
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
Egh, I hate people who take advantage. My sister in law expect my inlaws to babysit their daughters on weekends because they want to go out. Um, they have a life too.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
I don't think that grandparents should HAVE to do anything FOR FREE. Especially when it is for such long hours/days during the week.
Both of our parents have graciously offered to babysit once grandbabies are in the picture. But, we would alternate between different sets of grandparents and only for 8 hours /maximum a day.
Our parents wouldn't take any money from us so hubby and I've decided that we are going to save the money and treat them every once in a while to a show, dinner, trip that they might enjoy.
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
this makes me pretty angry because we have no grandparents nearby to help out and we'd die to have them available like your mom is for your sister's son. If either set of grandparents were to retire and move close to us to help with childcare, Rob Sr. and I are fully prepared to compensate them in some way, whether it be to pay them or provide something like a car or housing.
To answer your question, I think a lot of grandparents DO do this job for free... and I think a lot of parents expect the grandparents to do so. As someone who has zero help / family around, I would never expect a grandparent to do it for free. Even if they refused payment, I would find some way to compensate them.
kiwi / 678 posts
I think it really depends on the family dynamic. Our parents are usually fighting to watch our daughter, and volunteer all the time. They would be insulted if we offered to pay them. That being said, they don't watch her for entire days multiple days of the week.
But I also think if your mom doesn't want to watch this kid, she should just say so. "I love spending time with my grandchild, but I can't watch him all the time. I've heard great things about XXX daycare" should get the message across.
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
I can definitely see why you are upset about this. She should be treated better. However, I agree that she should speak up if she isn't happy babysitting. My MIL refuses to babysit when she is visiting, which sucks since we have no help, but I respect her wishes. No one should be forced into doing something.
cherry / 182 posts
I think it depends on the family dynamic too. For us, both sets of grandparents LOVE Claire and practically beg us to let them babysit as much as possible. My in-laws are actually coming over almost every day now to watch Claire so that I can get some rest in these last weeks of the pregnancy.
That being said, we always thank them by verbally expressing our thanks, and although they refuse money, we give them gifts and help them out in other ways. I can certainly understand why you are upset, and I think that if you mother feels the same way she should definitely speak up!
hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts
I agree with what many others have said here - that depending on the situation, it can be taking advantage of the grandparents. My parents babysit periodically on weekends for my sisters' toddlers but they love it and basically beg to do it! I really don't know if she has ever offered to pay them. My mom has also watched the grandkids during the week when my sister has work issues, etc. Again, I know she offers to do it, but not sure if my sister has ever offered to pay.
My mom has already offered to babysit our LO for 1-2 days a week when I go back to work (rather than putting the baby in day care for that day or nanny). I definitely like the idea of 1 day a week but worry that 2 days a week could be taking advantage particularly if she won't accept $. I intend to offer to pay her and if she refuses I will do something nice for her monthly (spa gift card, restaurant gift card, etc).
kiwi / 500 posts
i think doing something nice would be a kind gesture as well and in the end, it's not a monetary issue as it is one that you should show appreciation and thought.
My mother has talked to her in the past about hiring someone to watch her baby full time but it seems like my sister has been lax about it.
I just hate to see how frustrating an issue this is becoming. My mom doesn't want to outright say something to her. It's just a lot of passive aggressiveness.
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
Maybe she could schedule a monthly long cruise somewhere. That should get the message across!
grapefruit / 4703 posts
we've talked to my mom about her maybe retiring from her job and becoming our full time caregiver for future kiddos, but we would be paying her, and she agrees to that. It would be less than a nanny would cost, but just since she'd basically be quitting her job to take care of our kid, we feel like of course we'll pay her.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
Similar to Rachel, we have spoken with my mom about her moving closer to us and us paying her to nanny. My mom is curently being treated like the OP's, by my sister. Every time she has a day off she's expected to watch my nephew, who's 3. She pays for clothes and other stuff for him, and whenever she tries to say no, my sister guilts her into watching him. We're talking my mom gets off work at 6:30 a.m. and has my nephew by 10 a.m., and he doesn't go home until midafternoon 2 days later, before my mom has to work at 10 p.m. Down here, we'd pay her and if she wanted to work, she'd get much better pay. She's considering the idea.
honeydew / 7968 posts
i think that's just plain inconsiderate of your sister. especially if your mom has mentioned that your sister should find someone. i don't think you should ever expect someone to take care of your baby. unless you're paying them. i know my parents and in-laws wouldn't accept money, but i'd definitely find a way to help them out in other ways.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
My dad always says that when I am ready to go back to work, he is going to retire and take care of my son. There is no way he would accept any money from us, so there is no point in even trying to offer it or save it for them. He would be extremely offended because he has taken pains to provide for his retirement. It would be another story if he stopped working to take care of DS and needed the money of course. He would be happiest if we took that money and put aside for DS's schooling. I know he would offer this to my brother as well, so I don't have any guilt about taking him up on his offer when the time comes.
For my parents, this is an expression of their love. As children get older and independent, it becomes difficult to be a parent in the way that they are used to, so they look for new ways. I am having a bit of trouble articulating this, but in the end, it really depends on your family dynamics.
In the OP's situation, I'd just suggest that her mom just not be available by a certain date. Set a deadline and stick to it.
cherry / 171 posts
I know my MIL and Mom don't expect to be paid either and while they may not refuse money I think they would prefer treats like Dinner out or presents or something. I plan on supplementing their income in some way.
I know you feel your sister may be taking advantage of the situation but as I have come to learn, my siblings relationship with my parents is completely different from my relationship with them. I may not know the entire story. It's frustrating but I think you need to let your mom and sibling work this out alone
kiwi / 500 posts
@bakingabug, you are so right. They definitely have a different relationship than the one I have with them. For some reason she just gets away with everyhing we would never be able to. I'm totally just going to let her deal with it herself,
cherry / 171 posts
@anewme I know what you mean. I've got the same thing going on. I can't/couldn't get away with half the stuff my middle sister does. It's been difficult trying to process through that but eventually you have to just walk away and let them deal with their own relationship mess. It makes it easier to maintain your sanity and a good relationship with your mom and your sister.
cherry / 178 posts
My ILs watch DS (almost 5 months old now) once a week for about 3-5 hours. We don't pay them, they will not take it anyway. However, I make it a point to buy them dinner for that evening since they spent most of the day watching LO. They get to have their fun/time with him and I don't feel guilty about not compensating them.
pear / 1961 posts
I think it's appropriate to offer some compensation if the care is a routine part of weekly care. If its for a shorter period of time each week, maybe repay by having them over for dinner or something similar. If its more of a full time job, then something like money or housing or something is probably a more appropriate offer.
I know some grandparents might not accept the offer (I'd reiterate what a great favor they were doing us, so not to offend when offering compensation) but if they declined, I'd still try to get them some nice gifts throughout the year to thank them.
apricot / 280 posts
Absolutely not. Grandparents already raised their kids, it's not their job to raise their kids kids. Then again, I hate the idea of "grandma daycare" under almost all circumstances so this would never fly with me.
My MIL watches our niece a few times a week and makes a financial sacrifice in order to do so. She does it to help my BIL and SIL because they can't afford full time daycare but if you ask me, thats something they probably should have thought about before they tried (and successfully) got pregnant. Now my IL's struggle to make ends meet because my MIL only works part time. It's a crappy situation.
grapefruit / 4120 posts
My BIl and SIL used to drop their kid at my MIL's every day but she finally put her foot down. The grandparents are the ones who have to set their own limits!
grapefruit / 4136 posts
@anewme: My mom watches J for us everyday, but we pay her. We're lucky in the fact that we don't have to pay for the days he's not there (when weather is bad or we have a holiday, etc) so that's a really nice added bonus! BUT I'd never expect her to watch him from 8-5 while I'm at work without any compensation. If she babysits on a weekend she doesn't ask for payment but we'll order her food while we're gone (and we rarely ask her to do weekends so she doesn't feel taken advantage of!)
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
It bothers me too when I hear about grandparents watching the kids and there's no mention of payment. How are they expected to feed themselves if they're not working and watching your child?
When my mom came after labor to help with M for 2 months we gave her money in form of a red envelope when she left. She never asked for it and would say no if I verbally offered. But if I make her take it then she will!
She watches my nieces and nephew full time and my brothers give her spending money monthly. I think it's the right thing to do! That's above and beyond birthday, mothers, Christmas gifts etc.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
OP, I would not consider what your mom is doing as babysitting. When I think of grandparent babysitting or anybabysitting really is infrequent and is for a few hours or a short overnight visit. What your mom is providing is childcare and she should be compensated. I would love to say it should be free and paying your parent feels weird, but paying your parent (going rate or deep discount) is the right thing to do.
If you say something would that create too much drama? Does your mom feel like she should receive compensation?
persimmon / 1479 posts
I think it really depends on the situation as PP said. I try not to get too invloved in what my sisters and my mom work out when it comes to stuff like this. Who knows what conversation has taken place between the two of them in the past that got this situation to where it is. I definitely think that if this is an arrangement your mom is not happy with she should speak up.
eggplant / 11287 posts
Not at all. I think a conversation needs to take place between the parents and grandparents to go over expectations, etc. Both parties should be upfront about what theyre willing to do or not do, pay or not pay. Communication is key!!
When I went back to work, my mom offered to watch LO for me a couple days a week and said upfront she didnt want to be paid.
That being said, she only watches her on Mondays and Thursdays from 12:30-2:30. So, only four hours a week.
My mom would probably be offended if I put LO in daycare and didnt let her watch LO for at least a couple hours a week. She loves her time with her.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
There are grandparents out there who refuse compensation, but yeah, for so many hours so many days, I would definitely be offering something.
@sloaneandpuffy: Agree. No one can take advantage if the grandparents set limits. They have no obligation to provide free daycare!
pomegranate / 3225 posts
Sounds like your sister is taking advantage. That is rough. That being said, I am honestly really disappointed my mom told me she was "too busy" to watch my LO one day a week...