Hellobee Boards

Interesting. Lots of red flags here. I find it really concerning when people I don’t know at all try to leave their young children with me.

I’ve found myself in a similar situation oddly enough. Where someone has offered to watch my child multiple times without me there- just drop her off! She’s 3. I don’t do drop off play dates. She’s also asked me to watch her children sometimes 2x a week. I just can’t be involved in situations like this with someone I’ve seen socially a few times. Sure I like them, and the kids are sweet, but I’m doing my own thing and I don’t want to create dependency. So I’ve just had to distance myself. I guess when people push themselves onto me without knowing me at all it makes me really uncomfortable.

All that said.. about 2 years ago a single guy with 3 kids that DH has known for a long time pushed a friendship with us really hard and wanted to hang out all the time like multiple times a week. Constantly making plans on top of plans. It made me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t even have close friends I want to see multiple times a week. I just had to end that one. I can’t commit to people who are all or nothing in friendships. I need my downtime and to choose how I spend my time without pressure.

My biggest concern about what you have said is the Dad gives you bad vibes. You need to listen to that.

I recommend the book ‘Protecting the gift’

@Jennibenni: I agree with this.

I came back to add- you are not the first people she has done this to. One thing I learned in therapy is that some people just need someone- it did not matter that it was me. I want people to like me for me not just because we have something really basic in common like a child in the same class. I’m not sure keeping your boundaries up will cause hurt feelings. It sounds like she’s desperate for friends, which I totally get and sympathize with but it is not your responsibility to make other people happy at the expense of your own family and comfort. I expect she will keep this up until she finds someone who wants a similar type of friendship.

Another way to look at it- maybe her husband kind of sucks and she’s alone a lot of the day and she doesn’t have anyone to talk to, so when she is talking to people she really likes, she gets caught and misses social cues. I mean, I know I have had days when I’ve talked to grocery store cashier for way longer than I should have because I’d been stuck in the house with a baby too long.

But it sounds like it’s more of an overall thing, not any one specific thing that happened. I would thinking keeping her at a distance is best, and like others said, make playdayes outside the home to stay on neutral ground.

Also I definitely have oversharing friends. One in particular just tells everyone her business, but she does it in a way that it seems like she really trusts you and is confiding specially in you, when actually she is confiding in everyone.

I meet a ton of people everyday in my job and I can totally get that you’re getting a ‘vibe’ from them. Some people just give off something subtle that creates an uneasiness that’s difficult to put a finger on. So, I would trust your gut on this one. Keep it casual and create boundaries. Hopefully they will get the message if it’s repeated endlessly. Don’t get suckered into more of a relationship than you want. They could totally be normal but I would be weirded out by this too.

@Mrs. Carrot: Yeah, I'd totally listen to your gut and keep your distance. Even if it's awkward and you're scared of hurting feelings...sometimes you just have to put your family first, ya know?

FWIW, I would feel the same way as you in this situation.

@Mrs. Carrot: I don't think you're over-thinking or being too cynical.

I'm rooting for you ... not really sure how you handle confrontation or awkward situations, but I know I'd have a hard time deciding how to navigate this, especially because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. It's a lesson in setting boundaries, and I think that's good for all of us.

@Mrs. Carrot: Honestly, the weirdest part about this for me (besides the non-talkative husband) is that they bought an extra car seat. Does she have other friends/kids she drives around? Or did it seem to be based on this idea that you would both be driving each other's kids frequently?
As for the drop-off playdates, could you always "blame" your daughter? Like, thanks for offering, but DD isn't really comfortable with drop off playdates yet?

Awww, this post cracks me up

While I truly understand your dilemma and yes that sounds weird... I can't help but to point out that this is almost my ultimate fear that some mom acquaintances from school must be thinking that about us lol OK to be fair, we are not *that* weird as the couple you know, but I can almost see people thinking/talking about my DH (or even myself!) doesn't talk much I am writing the below without reading all the comments, which I will later

RE: Extra car seat: Do they have 2 cars? Because we have always have 2 carseats even we only have 1 LO for flexibility in picking up! As DS grow older (now 7), playdates is usually in the format of mom A picking up 2+ kids at school, they play for a few hours, and mom B go to mom A's house to pick her kid(s) up afterwards. DS is of a smaller size and still in the 5-point car seat while most of his friends are already in booster. Other families had picked DS up and I can only do the return favor only for the smaller sized kids lol. I have been nagging DH to buy at least one booster so we can pick his friends up (which he refused)! And when they are even older, there are these air blow up booster seats too where one mom can pick several kids up. Maybe this mom has other friends she plans to have a playdate with, and they are not buying the extra seat just for you?

RE: asking you to pick up her DD from school: Hmm... I assume when she asks you to pick her DD up from school you are picking up your own too? It is very very common at our school, all we need to do is to email our teacher beforehand about it, and maybe give the other family our carpool number. They will verify at carpool, and we are good to go. A lot of families does it as an after school playdate, especially on Fridays. Even if it were really an emergency, the school will usually allow a one-time emergency pick up. Recently my doctor insisted I must go to the ER immediately when DH was traveling and DS was in school. I frantically emailed DS' teacher and said if DH or I didn't show up by 6pm, we'd have our neighbor come and pick him up and I give them my neighbor's phone #. I did not ask my neighbor at all as I was pretty certain it won't happen, and I didn't want to alarm her unless none of us is able to get out by 5-ish. And I was strapped down in a ton of wires / an IV to properly ask everyone in formal etiquette. I had to make sure DS was taken care of in case I died and DH couldn't make it on time. You know?

I am pretty OK with the late bedtime / departure too - some people they do have late bedtimes, and they didn't realize others (like my household) would like kids to go to bed by 8:30. Maybe their kid truly goes to bed at 9, and they feel like maybe it is the weekend and they can extend a bit? With that said, I do feel ya, One time when DS was a lot younger and we had a friend over, she also wouldn't leave and it was 8:30 lol. I kept saying, oh, DS need to go take a bath now.... hahaha.

The things I am actually not comfortable with is her DH's work situation (I just don't trust people who can not hold down a job / have a reliable source of income with kids), and I do trust your gut instinct. When everything adds together in full intensity I can see that it is very uncomfortable.

@ElbieKay: This. Amen.

@Mrs. Carrot: I am a recovering people pleaser too but I have reached the angry stage where I get pissed off when people (try to) take advantage of my good will. I don’t always channel it productively but at least this is better than prioritizing someone else’s opinion/issues/time over my own.

My mother is a total people pleaser and gets frustrated when I won’t play ball. It has been a process to unwind from that dynamic. But I would rather piss her off than bury my own feelings. In turn she complains that I am too confrontational and it makes her uncomfortable. Really? Well it makes me uncomfortable to ignore my own feelings. If someone has to be uncomfortable either way, it may as well not be me.

@Mrs. Carrot: So they really have 3 carseats, not 2. lol

You know, trust your gut instinct. Your LO is 1 year younger than mine, and we really started this pick up / carpool thing after DS got into 1st grade. The first time I approached a mom for a playdate, she just said oh great! I'll pick him up a Friday and they'll play, you can come by and get him around 6pm. I was a little hesitant too as in, wow, people do that? lol. But I do know her since kindergarten (our kids were in the same class 2 years in a row), did several mom outings, met the families and they are normal (lol) so I trusted them. I would also not trust anyone that I *barely met*. And again, I really draw the line at if they were able to sustain a regular household income without having to worry about money. I can not trust families like that. Not with my kid.

Not to mention I watched a very scary TV show (Netflix "Abducted in Plain Sight") earlier about how psychos / pedophiles would groom kids and the entire family to "allow" an abduction to happen. They don't just lure the kid, they penetrate the family too. So yes, you are not wrong to have your guards up. Just make up excuses when she asks you to pick her kid up, just say you are busy and you had plans! You don't have to elaborate on the plans. Don't follow up with her when she asks your husband if you could pick her kid up, let her ask you and then you say no. She can add you to 1000 lists but you don't have to do them. When they do offer to pick your kid up, just say no, I am not quite comfortable with that yet. It is OK. You are doing great!

@irene: Agree that the best way to say no is just to give a short answer (We have plans!”) and not make any other explanations or excuses.

This is something I have struggled with but it is so freeing and so much less stressful to not have to explain myself all the time. Especially because pushy people will always push past your explanations and back you into a corner.

I didn’t really read through all of the posts but although she might be overstepping and I would totally follow your gut, there are a lot of ppl like this that I was surprised too. I’m sort of over cautious when it comes to my kids but I was appalled at how casual ppl were when it comes to letting their kids come over or be their ride, etc.

My daughter started kinder this year and at the open house, I met a mom in my neighborhood. Kids are not even in the same class. We met signing up for pta stuff and she heard me say my addresss for a form. My address has the subdivisions name in bc we’re the first street but it’s a huge neighborhood. And literally I just met her and she asked me if we should be each other’s emergency contact persons and we should carpool. I declined politely by saying we might ride the bus (we don’t. Haha). But I’m thinking, what if I’m a horrible driver? What if I’m crazy? How can you even consider me to be the emergency contact when you know nothing about me?