Hellobee Boards

@aprild: I agree that it's unusual, but people can have such different approaches to money. It never ceases to boggle my mind!

Was your FIL a good parent when your SO was young? That's worth so much in my book.

@aprild: Yah it's definitely an unusual perspective. Not used to parenting being such a quid pro quo!

All that said, I guess now you guys know his love language and can take him out for meals? Haha, everything tastes better when it's free!!

That's a little sad, although I don't know the whole story. I'm in my late thirties but even though we happily treat our parents when we go out to eat, for example, they always expect to treat us. We don't always let them, but it's nice to feel babied or taken care of in that way. I'd be hurt if my parents said what your FIL did.

I don't feel this way but I don't find it too odd. In the Latin culture, I see similar attitudes often. I know my mom feels like we should take care of her because that's what children should do.

@aprild: The thought I think when reading this is he sounds like he has a very Eastern mindset. My father in law is Anglo-Indian and he has a similar mindset. I think it has to do with the fact they raised their kids for however many years, gave them their all, and it's just respectful for the child to give back something. I don't think it's an insult, or degrading to the child, rather just expecting respect in return for what was given for so many years.

@aprild: sounds like my MIL - she told us that she too care of her kids for 18 years and now it their turn to take care of her.

I disagree.

I think what bugs me the most is she just planned poorly for her future - she works PT and has zero money in savings or retirement. She is constantly asking for money from her 4 kids. drives me batty

I don't think it should be expected, and I know it is definitely not in my family, but I would like to be able to treat my parents more one day. I try to in small ways but it is still a drop in the bucket compared to all that they have done and continue to do for us.

We pay to fly DH's parents out to visit us and are going to help his Dad out with medical bills so he can retire. We do this because we can and I am absolutely thrilled to be in a position financially. I cant think of any better use for our money. When we were living in nyc and totally broke his parents showered us with presents and helped us out so much. They are so giving and selfless. This all feels so right!

I honestly don't think this is such an off the wall or unusual mindset. Yes, you choose to have children but being a family is a life long committment. It changes over time, expands, contracts and needs change. The way I look at it is that my parents provided for me and I provide for my son, but right now, I am in the postion to "decorate my parent's lives" so I do it.

I think what's weird for me is your FIL's expectation.

My brother and I've taken care of our parents financially for the last several years, we're happy to do so and we feel blessed that we are able to do so in addition to raising our own families. With that said, my parents feel so, so bad a lot of the time having to rely on us. They both help out and work to the best of their ability and still they feel like failures for having to rely on us. My parents never expected to be in the position they're in and they certainly never expected "repayment" for raising us with an upper middle class upbringing. My brother and I definitely feel like we owe them and would do anything we can to help support them; but I don't know how things would be if it was a demanded expectation on our parents' part.

I think my opinion varies on this, and it depends on the situation with each family growing up. My husband and I, for instance, had polar opposite experiences with our parents and money growing up.

DH grew up in a very unstable country where a civil war was raging for more than 20 years. His parents escaped the war zone and left everything behind when DH was 10 to protect him from child conscription and started all over with absolutely nothing other than the clothes on their backs. Then they did it all again less than 10 years later when they got a chance to immigrate to the US--and somehow, they managed with their lower-level jobs to scrape enough together to help put my DH through college here in the US (Dh worked while in college and contributed, too). Same for their daughter. They have always lived beyond frugally to do this--they hardly spend anything on themselves, ever. My husband now makes 3x what they made in their top year--and yet my inlaws will want to buy our LO gifts or will go shopping and buy food for us when they are here.

Obviously in this scenario, my DH feels like he owes them everything and would not hesitate to give them his whole savings if they needed it. But they wouldn't *ask* for it, ever--unless something dire happened. And I would totally support him in helping his parents financially in any way he wanted to--I also feel he owes it to them.

My parents were different---they were very much "pull yourself up from your bootstraps" kind of people. I started working at 16 and never stopped. I took out loans and worked and put myself through undergrad and grad school. They did help with small things, like car insurance and cell phone bill, but I moved out when I was 18 and never moved back home.

My dad has passed but left my mom in a pretty good place financially---so, although I would be happy to help out with my mom when she's older, I feel less obligated to pay for a ton of stuff for her now. I buy gifts that I think she will appreciate, and sometimes it's cheap little things. We only pay for her flights to visit us if we've asked her to come for some reason, not if she decides to visit on her own. But to be clear--I *love* my mom. And if she ever needed to in her older age, I would let her come live with us. DH feels the same about his parents.

So, different situations, different results.