We can't afford a doula so I'm hoping to give my husband a list of tips/ tricks to help him be a great birth coach. We are signed up for birth classes but they don't start until the end of the month.
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I had a natural birth and did not use a doula - my husband was my support person.
Putting pressure on my hips during contractions helped, especially earlier on, as I really felt it there. Handing me a fresh barf bag during contractions and disposing of it after (yeah, so glamorous). Reminding me to moan through the contractions. And knowing my preferences and being willing to advocate for me.
I think it was fairly straightforward - breathing and moaning through contractions were the main things that helped me - and I'm glad I didn't spent a lot of money on a doula.
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My husband did a great job of making sure I was breathing. He was also in charge of making sure my hep-loc didn't get caught on anything (I had to have one since I had gd, in case I needed glucose or insulin in a hurry)
In the end hubby wussed out, he just couldn't hack seeing me in that much pain. If we have a second I will bring a friend or hire a doula because I would love to have a med free birth and hubby just couldn't do it. He was great until he wasn't though! And I had a fantastic birth anyway
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Called for the anesthesiologist.
Haha sorry, couldn’t resist. But seriously.
I’ve had one with no epidural, two with half epidurals 🙄 Kept my ice chips/water full. That’s basically all I can remember! People ask what it felt like and I can’t even remember. It’s like I blacked out! Def make sure your husband knows your wishes (be specific, as some times they aren’t in tuned as much as us!) For example, delayed cord clamping, immediate skin to skin, pain plan, etc.
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My husband was amazing in doing what I wanted and just following orders. I did not want to be disturbed and required silence. I'm sure it was delightful for him, but he didn't complain once. Encouraging me to breathe would have legit enraged me. I liked for him to inform me when my contraction had peaked, but other than that - silence.
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I didn't have a vaginal delivery, but I imagine this would help with a c-section or vaginal. I'm usually a loud person, but apparently I wasn't being very loud when I was trying to tell them I felt sick or whatever. So he spoke up for me so I could get some medicine for the nausea, gave me a play by play and held my hand.
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Mine read and practiced the Bradley book and then listened to me in the moment, mostly. The things that I'm mad about are when he wasn't listening. So make sure he knows to do whatever you say and not get hurt about how you say it.
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My labor was abnormal (precipitous -- I went from not in labor to water breaking to transition to baby in 2.5 hours). The biggest thing my husband did was advocate for me because I couldnt advocate for myself. The staff trusted his judgement and would explain things to him to get me to consent (ie, I was physically unable to be continuously monitored and the baby was stressed. They needed to put a monitor in his head which was so against my birth plan, but the best option). He also stayed with me when lots of medical staff flooded the room and helped me stay focused.
The biggest thing was having him understand labor. So he knew to remind me to get checked before asking for drugs and saying "dilating from a 3 to an 8.5 in an hour, no wonder it hurt. But it'll be over very soon." and he packed snacks. You can't take post partum pain meds without food and the cafeteria was closed. Having literally every snack we had in the house packed really helped.
The things that were not helpful: stopping at every single red light, having to put on his jacket, gloves, hat, and scarf to walk 3 minutes from the car to the hospital in 45 degree weather, and not packing his hospital bag until I went into labor.
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He brought me water, and he brushed his teeth. Seriously - he was trying to help me breathe through the contractions, but his face was right by mine and his breath was horrible. Finally, I asked him to brush his teeth, and that helped immensely!
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LO1 - Fetched me ice chips in between pushing!
I almost had an emergency c-section so he had to pack up all our stuff and follow me to the ORLO2 - Can't even remember if he did the above or not, hah!
DD2 went to NICU b/c I had a fever, so I also couldn't see her at first so he was the only one who could visit herI guess I didn't really need him for much, haha! I guess he was just my errand man....? For me personally, I found that the nurses were more helpful in coaching me through stuff. I think DH was mainly more emotional support.
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From the non birthing partners perspective, knowing all the stages of labour helped me feel confident that what was happening was normal and I agree with everyone that he will need to be your advocate. Also, I would add that I brought all the tips and tricks we learned in the birth class (massage stick, notes on pressure stuff, birth partner book, snacks, music, books, movies, etc) and literally didn’t use a single thing because our sons birth went super fast. So tell him not to feel bad if you don’t want what you learn about, or that he isn’t helping by not playing the right music or something ha You never know how it will go but be prepared either way!
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He brought me water, read to me and tracked down dinner when I was finally allowed to eat.
He also had to track down medical personnel - coincidence or not, the nurses and doctors at our hospital tend to disappear when it comes time to push.
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The main thing for me through 2 births was to advocate for me and know my preferences, but also to know when to step back and let me change my preferences when necessary.
With both babies, I wanted to get as far as I could without an epidural and told him to remind me if I requested one to make sure I really wanted it. He took this a little too far with DD1 and turned it into a very stressful situation for me (but his intentions were good?). With DD2 he handled the balance a lot better.
So just something to be aware of on the opposite side of the spectrum, since things happen during labor & delivery that you can't predict!
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He wore my favorite color and kept the convo fun during my cesarean. He could have been more helpful, but chose not to be.
I brought a pillow from home like HBers suggested, but he refused to get it from the car since he didn’t want hospital germs on it. I really wanted some local takeout, hot & sour soup from Pei Wei, but he followed doctor’s order to the tee.
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I had doulas (and am a doula) but once things got intense it's such a blur that I don't remember much of what DH did! In early labor at home he kept me distracted and reminded me to eat and drink. At the hospital, before my doula got there, he communicated my preferences to the nurses. Later on I think it was mainly hand-holding, reassuring me, and also physically keeping me from banging my head against the bed rails during contractions.
He also helped catch DD, which was awesome, he was the one who placed her on my chest.
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It’s hard to say because every labor is different and sometimes you surprise yourself LOL
baby 1- (typical labor lasting 12 hours, pitocin and an epidural)- nothing. Anyone mearly touching me was horrible and anything he said I felt annoyed (poor guy LOL)
Baby 2- (2 hour labor water breaking to baby, intense and scary, no epidural)- just being a supportive prescience. Staying calm and whispering in my ear I could do it. -
stayed calm, helped me understand what was going on medically (we had some concerns about both of my kids during labor so there were a lot of people in the room), held the puke bag.
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Haha this is maybe not helpful for your situation but the best thing he did for me was stay the heck out of my way unless I specifically asked for something. And to hop to it when I did need something (like a strong hip squeeze or barf bag).
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My husband took a few pictures. I actually wish I had had a few more. Nothing icky, but just some during the process (especially before it got real). LOL
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He did exactly as he was told and didn't take offense to anything I asked of him or said to him. He paid attention in birth class so that I didn't need to explain to him what was going on at any given point.
I had epidurals that each had their own minor flaws and was otherwise pretty introspective during labor. So I really just needed him to go with the flow, which he did wonderfully, but is so against his usual.
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haha...just have to add my brain is fried and I initially read this title as "what hateful things did your husband do...."
I started listing some things mentally that annoyed me...then I re-read the title and WHOOPS!
Anyways - the best thing DH did for me was go with the flow. Going in to it I made sure DH knew that I had no idea what to expect as a first time mom...so I asked him to feel comfortable to politely challenge me but that if I let it be known I was set on something to let it go faster than he normally would under our normal relationship dynamics.
I told him ahead of time to make me ask twice for drugs (pain killers)...when I woke up in labor I said "you dont need to ask twice, I want the drugs"...he never questioned me!
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Sounds like it’s a yes, but are you trying to have a natural birth? I had a very traditional western medicine hospital birth with an epidural, but he familiarized himself with the stages of labor and then basically held my hand, stayed out of the way, logged my contractions which made me feel good about the progress, and got me anything I needed (pizza and seltzer before we went to the hospital, 12 hours in labor at home). And then drove
I was around 7cm by the time I got the epi. I’ve heard doulas are great but try not to think about it as if you’re going without, you can do it! If it makes you feel better I know tons of women who paid for doulas and then they didn’t get there in time or ended up needing a c-section.
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@Mrs D: Hahahaha
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@Pollywog: this made me laugh, I wanted to kill my husband because he went back inside to turn out the lights and get his coat when I was DYING to get going to the hospital. In retrospect I can see this was not crazy but at the time, things were intense and omg.
I think the best things for me that echo above were 1) be really informed on how labor works and what to expect (good, bad and ugly) in addition to your personal wishes, so that he can keep himself and you calm and help make rational decisions as needed and 2) go with the flow of what you want because who knows what will happen. We had learned these counter pressure techniques and things but I did not want anyone to touch me when the time came except for constant hand holding. And he held my barf bag too.
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The book The Birth Partner is good. We photocopied or took pictures of many images to refer to in labor if he blanked on how to help.
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No talking or asking me questions during a contraction. He was actually terrible at remembering that, but our doula kept telling him to shhh and that was awesome. He was great during the early labour and when I had a c-section. Kept up small talk and kept me distracted.
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@Iced Tea: haha, my husband's favorite part of The Birth Partner is the section on "taking care of you" ("you" being the husband)--like making sure he gets away for a few minutes to eat a sandwich.
It's a good book though, @Silva recommended it to me and I felt like I got as much out of it as he did in just learning about labor stages.
ETA also the illustrations in that book are fuckkinggg AMAZING. every single dad has male pattern baldness, I love it so much.
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I had a natural birth and DH was my “dudela”
We took a hypnobabies course together so he was prepared with all the cues, but hypnobabies didn’t end up working the way I was expecting it to. I had back labor and spent several hours crouched in the tub while he poured hot water over my back during each and every contraction. It totally saved me.
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He read The Birth Partner before baby #1 was born.
With #1 he wasn’t very helpful
With #2 I got him to squeeze my hips super hard with contractions. He also ordered and picked up sushi and ran into the hospital to get the midwife when I was literally 1 push away from delivering.
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Counterpressure on hips
Ice chips, jello, and apple juice.
Aiming the showerhead wherever I wanted it.
Telling me when a contraction would be over soon, via the monitor
Whispering in my ear
Coaching me through pushing by doing the counting and such
Wet washcloths on the forehead
Not taking it offensively or sensitively when I was cranky and demanding -
He never annoyed me which was helpful! After a very painful contraction he said he thought it was time for an epidural which was probably the best thing he did. I don't feel like I needed that much. It was mostly just waiting around waiting to push. I did feel like I had dirty teeth so he brought me a cup and my toothbrush so I could brush my teeth from the bed.
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He left me alone unless I asked for something. He was very caring and attentive when I asked. I just wanted to rest/sleep through my labors.
I brought a pillow from home like HBers suggested, but he refused to get it from the car since he didn’t want hospital germs on it. I really wanted some local takeout, hot & sour soup from Pei Wei, but he followed doctor’s order to the tee.
He also helped catch DD, which was awesome, he was the one who placed her on my chest.
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