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@matador84: I'd be upset about the money, I'd be irate about the lying. I, too, would demand to see the statements, and insist on full transparency going forward. I think couples counseling (to talk about the breakdown in communication) and individual counseling for DH (to address whatever drove him to spend/lie) would be in order.

Out of curiosity, how did you think the dental work got paid for? If we had a $10,000 expense come up, I would know where that money was coming from, and if it never did.

I would be so upset initially for the sheer fact that there is no honesty/transparency in our marriage. I would def flip out over the $ too!!

So sorry you had to discover this in such a poor way.

If it were me, I'd seek out counseling to figure out why our relationship is such that he felt he couldn't discuss the debt with me. Provided the money hadn't been going to illegal activities or gambling which would bring up other issues entirely, we'd figure out a plan and make changes or seek extra ways to make more money and pay it off. At this point I think you should take over ALL of the finances in your family and honestly feel that joint accounts going forward could be a better option as it leads to more accountability in a marriage. And obviously, he should not have access to credit cards from this point forward but it sounds like you took care of that which is a great stepping stone.

This is one of those "for worse" moments we promise in our wedding vows when we get married. And it sucks. And I'm sorry for that. But I know you guys will be able to get through this if he'll be open and honest with his finances moving forward.

@Truth Bombs: I agree that $20,000 isn't "that" much. I underwrite commercial loans for a living and look credit bureaus every day. People minimal to zero consumer debt are definitely the minority.

@Mrs. Champagne: this!

It's sucks, but based on the circumstances I don't think divorce would even cross my mind. If half of the balance is dental work and the other $10k was accumulated over 10 years, that's really not a lot of annual accumulation. Out of curiousity, how did you think he paid for the dental work? it would be a much bigger deal to me if he lied about how he was paying for things and was secretly putting them on a credit card I didn't know about. It would also be a bigger deal to me if the balance was in default and he didn't tell me.

@Mrs. Champagne: I agree with this!

One of my family members got into a similar situation - she and her DH started a business together with a few other people. The business ended up folding and the majority of the debt was left in her name. Her DH obviously knew about it as he was a partner in the business, but somehow things spiralled out of control with her debt and she ended having to max out her credit cards to pay it off. But of course then she couldn't pay the credit cards off so she was racking up massive interest charges etc, All told, the initial $50K debit ballooned to a $100K debt and she didn't tell her husband because she was embarrassed, even though the initial debt was his responsibility as well. Their relationship did end in divorce but there were a lot of other factors at play.

The bottom line is that whilst it would be shocking and extremely upsetting, I think it's important to get to the bottom of what happened and why it wasn't disclosed, before making any rash decisions. Having been close to someone who went through this situation has shown me just how easy it is for things to spiral out of control...

Hugs @matador84: I hope you guys are able to work through things and get past this.

I would want to go to counseling and change how we manage our money but I don't think it's grounds for divorce. It would suck but we could get out of it by living frugally for awhile, maybe he could get a part time job. I'd be really curious what he spent that money on with me having no idea, that might affect my reaction.

@matador84: I had a mountain of CC debt up until a few years ago. It was a combination of being brokeass in my 20s due to a shit ton of student loan debt, low paying job (I worked really hard but starting pay in my industry is criminally low) and living beyond my means. It started in the middle of my college years and continued until I was in my late 20s. At my worst point I think it was at about $15k. My then bf, now husband didn't know about it. I think I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit to anyone I had so much debt, let alone to my bf who was so responsible. I think at some point I mentioned that I had CC debt but didn't disclose the sum.

When we were reaching the point of getting married I didn't want to hide this secret from him so I came up with this plan to get my act together - I seeked help from consumer credit counseling services. They have regional branches all over the country, and you have to beware that you're using the legit nonprofit service not those scammy shady ones that require you to put down a large sum for down payment, etc. What they did was negotiate a fixed low APR (about 5-6% at the time I used their service) with each individual bank and also waive all the fees you may have accrued. Then they work out a payment plan for you. You have to close the account as part of the plan but I actually liked that aspect of it because it forced me to close the account and not spend. (As any serial CC users may know... physically not possessing the card is totally not a deterrent.) I had my debt completely paid off by the time my husband and I were newly weds.

Being forced to not have access to any CC is what I needed to get my butt in shape... I felt like I had no control or discipline otherwise. And CC banks wouldn't negotiate a lower APR with me so I needed CCCS to do that on my behalf. Otherwise, my monthly payments were going towards just the interest and I was going nowhere paying down the principal.

I don't know if I necessarily agree with others about the joint account thing. Not putting down any other couples for doing that if that works for them. But with serial CC abusers I think there's an underlying spending problem that being liable to someone else won't solve. I say this purely cause I was one as is my brother right now. I bring him up cause he's also married with massive CC debt (much larger than your husband's) and I don't think his wife knows the extent of it. She knew of it when they first got married but I think he continued doing it behind her back. (I only know of it because he called our mom to ask to borrow $$$ while I was with her.) So unless the person decides to stop the behavior on their own, they will find many many secret ways to keep on doing it... like my brother. He even gets all his packages (clothing, gadgets, etc.) shipped to his work so family wouldn't know. My DH and I keep our money separate but it's not because we don't trust each other, it's because we trust each other. If that makes sense. It's a trust issue like many others have said, and I can totally understand why you might be feeling devastated, angry and betrayed.

@matador84: I think you are handling this really well, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Again, having a joint account or not may not matter depending on your state (you may sill be liable), so it's worth looking into.

This is all under the assumption that his debt wasn't to pay for anything sketchy or feed another type of addiction, but I tend to disagree with others about making this "his debt." If it were me, I make it "our debt." The reasoning? The fact that it was "his debt" is what got the situation to this point. It was little stuff here and there for him, it was carried over from before you guys were married, it was harmless stuff that made him feel good momentarily, it was his teeth, it was his minimum payments every month - no big deal. That kind of separate ME account created this problem. Making it OUR debt makes him doubly accountable for the fact that he just royally screwed this family over. He's going to see you bust your ass at work and know that every penny you make over the next year is going to his laziness and selfish behavior instead of whatever else you would have rather spent the money on. If you castigate him and tell him to go off and pay for it himself while stewing in resentment, its just might discourage him further and set a precedent where he's going to instinctively try to hide things even more from you in the future. If this is the consequence for screwing up, what is the incentive to be honest? Or even worse, maybe he gets overwhelmed and thinks he wont ever be able to fix it and that he's a terrible dad and husband and loses confidence in himself and things get tougher?

I have a feeling that if half of the debt was dental work and the other 10K was accumulated over 10 years, the $100-ish a month he put on the credit card was little stuff like buying a round of shots for his buddies, gifts here and there, eating out, electronics, or something that made him feel good about himself momentarily. If I'm right, I think what y'all really need is to get on the same page about budgeting and stick to it.

First, I'd recommend you pull credit reports for both of you to make sure you have the FULL picture of your finances. Pull the statements from DH's credit card and take a look at what he's spending his money on. Again, assuming its not for some monthly membership to a porn or gaming website, if its things like eating out or sporting events, budget in some fun money for both of you every month. I'd recommend something like Dave Ramsey where you sit down every month and write a pen and paper budget (he has forms on his site you can print out) and you give every dollar a name and destination. That way everyone knows where the money is going and you stick to it. We set up a monthly budget and then input it into Mint.com. You can keep your eye on things via a phone app or by computer and it will email you if you exceed your budget in some category. Other bees swear by YNAB. Whatever it is, do it.

I don't necessarily think you taking over the finances yourself is going to fix the issue either. It needs to be a joint thing - hence, everyone sits together every month and writes a budget together. By seeing how things have to be budgeted to pay off his debt, he's going to see and feel why the grocery budget needs to be lean or why a family vacation is going to have to be slashed to a weekend staycation, etc.

I think a helpful thing for YOU might be to write your thoughts out. Feel what you feel. While my DH hasn't created a debt problem for me, we've had our own "surprise" issues come up in our marriage that definitely made me feel super betrayed and hurt and resentful and required a lot of hard work on both our parts to get over. One thing that really helped me and nailed home to DH the extent of my pain was to write a "This is how I feel" letter where I bullet pointed out exactly all the things his actions made me feel. Having that letter and remembering the words really focused DH to be really transparent and take lots of precautions to never let me feel that way again. This letter could include all the things you wish that money had gone for. That if he had spent the last 10 years SAVING $20K for his family it could have meant x, y, and z. That it makes you mad you're going to have to work for Citibank for the next year. Etc. But at the end of the letter, also write the reasons why you want to move forward with him TOGETHER on how to fix it. Because we have two beautiful daughters who deserve parents to love each other and are willing to make sacrifices to make their future secure. Because your marriage is stronger than a $20K mistake. Because you'd rather put in 1 year of shitty hard work to have 40 happier ones with him. Things like that. Hold him accountable, but give him motivation and encouragement to never let this happen again.

Hugs to you. I really do know how it feels - my parents had terrible financial issues when I was growing up largely due to my dad's selfish behavior and I know how terrible it made all of our lives. And I know what it feels like to have your husband bring you some terrible problem that had nothing to do with you after marriage and how crazymaking it is to have to be responsible for it. But you can do it, and it can make your marriage stronger for it.

This comment has been deleted by the original poster.

One thought I have is that, although 10K in debt isn't crazy to rack up over the course of 10 years, if a person already knows that they secretly have 10K in debt, the reasonable thing to do is be extremely careful with money and work to pay it down, not continue to accumulate more debt. Is a lot of the additional debt from interest on the dental work? If not, then there are certainly other spending issues that should be addressed.

@matador84: Don't worry, his decisions will not affect your credit as long as it was not a joint credit card. I do believe PP was mistaken when mentioning that. Even though you are married, you still have your own credit. Yes, joint accounts affect it, but it does not sound like this is a joint account.

I agree that you should make him run a credit report so you can confirm this is the only thing he was hiding. I would also get to the bottom of what he was spending it on. Did you see an material goods other than the dental work? If my DH betrayed my trust like this, I would demand to see the statements to ensure he isn't hiding what he spent the money on.

I'm so sorry.

ETA: what I meant to say is that the thing he is spending the $ on could be another underlying issue, or could help to make counseling more effective.

My reaction honestly would probably depend on a) why he was in so much debt, b) why he didn't tell me and c) how much money/income we had to pay it off. In this case I don't think I would consider divorce over it, but I'd be upset. Medical/dental bills can pile up FAST though, so since that's about half of it, I'd be more inclined to forgive... Especially since the rest of it was over ten years and wih interest it doesn't sound like he just lived extremely extravagantly... I think. I hope it all works out for you! Sorry you're going through this, it sounds very stressful!

I would probably focus less on the financial implications (you have a plan figured out for that already) and start focusing on the "whys" of the situation. Why did he allow so much debt to accumulate? Why did he feel he had to hide it from you? Why didn't he come to you when it first started snowballing so you could pay it off? Why did he spend money when he already knew about the debt? Etc. If you can get to the root of the motivation behind those behaviors you have a better chance of trying to understand him so you can fix the relationship. The debt is there and you can't go back and change that now, the only thing you can change is both of your behaviors to prevent it from happening again.

@matador84: I'm so sorry. I come from a family where a lot of people struggle with debt. It is never one big thing or extravagant purchases. My mom's started with dental work, and it kinda snowballed from there.

Divorce wouldn't be on my radar, at least not for a good long while. I agree with @clover: he probaby thought he could handle it, but that kind of debt gets out of hand very fast. I would be hurt and angry, but his first gesture is a good one. I think I would insist on marriage counseling and financial counseling/education and see where that led us.

Huge hugs

I sent a wall message matador... But I wanted to address in general that I think if someone is hiding that much debt that it's a symptom of a larger pattern of ignoring issues on the part of the person who accrues the debt and doesn't share the info openly with their partner. It doesn't mean that it's insurmountable... Just that the couple has to get to the root of the problem... And that part is never just about the money.

@Truth Bombs: what exactly is your point in responding to me? It does not help the op in any way. She asked for people's thoughts, I gave mine. When you take out the 10k it's much less then a car payment. It's not like he racked up hundreds of thousands. My sister racked up 10k in college and paid it off pretty quickly on a very small income. And like I said, the reaction depends on a lot of factors here that weren't stated in the post.