You found out that your husband had 20,000 of credit card debt you did not know about?
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Seriously consider divorce. This would honestly be more upsetting to me than cheating.
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I don't know! Definitely counseling. And changing up how we handle our finances.
Similar thing happened to my brother- his (now ex) wife was responsible for actually making the bill payments. She hadn't paid their mortgage in months and racked up a lot of credit card debt and my brother had no idea. They did get divorced but that was only a piece of it (the affair she was having was a slightly larger problem for my brother).
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That might lead to divorce for us - it would take counseling and serious talks for that not to happen. I've worked so hard to rebuild credit, pay off debt and live within our means. To find out my partner was working against those efforts, and lying to me, would be a huge blow to trust. And 20k is a lot!!
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@Foodnerd81: oh my gosh! That boggles my mind how people can just forget to pay their bills.
@Truth Bombs: would you try to counsel before divorce?
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Has this been building up over time (is some of it from before you met him?). Or did he rack all of this up recently?
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@matador84: she didn't forget. She chose to spend the money on other things.
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@matador84: I would try because we have a child (if we didn't I'll be completely honest and say I probably wouldn't even try). That would just be such a huge betrayal to me. I have always been a huge believer in joint finances because I feel like if I can't trust someone to share my money and to spend responsibly, then I don't want to be married to that person. Financial responsibility is incredibly important to me.
I will say, I'm assuming this debt was racked up recently. If its debt he has carried since before you were married and just never disclosed it I would still be really really pissed, but not as mad as if he was actively creating this debt while we were sharing our lives.
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I wouldn't jump to divorce immediately, but some serious talks need to happen and something will need to change. He will have to figure out a plan to pay if off himself, and agreed, some counseling may be beneficial.
So sorry you're dealing with this.
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@lawbee11: building up over time. The last 10 years. I had no idea.
Normally I don't put things out there like this that I feel like are so private to a marriage, but I have no idea how I even feel.
@Foodnerd81: so sad!
@Truth Bombs: we have two children, and so divorce would really be a last last resort for me, only maybe in a case of infidelity. However, I do feel extremely betrayed. We came up with a plan where we could pay off the debt in a year, part of me woke up this morning saying screw it.
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I'd be pretty mad. Is this recent spending? I'd think some counseling and some serious financial planning. I wouldn't trust him with a credit card for sure.
Like @Truth Bombs: I'd try to make it work because we are a family.
But I'd also probably question if he was hiding anything else.
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@hellobeeboston: he gave me his credit card voluntarily last night so I feel like that's a step forward.
He did have a TON of major dental work (implants replaced due to car accident from 12 years ago) done three years ago. That was probably 8-10K. I just feel SO stupid.
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@matador84: I would be disappointed. It really depends on a lot of factors: is this from a gambling problem? Is this from an irresponsibility issue? Compulsion? Just forgetfulness? It is something we could hopefully work through depending on the factors involved and try to talk about and correct the issues surrounding this that upset me and why, figure out why they are happening and if they can be changed.
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@matador84: did you find out on your own or did he come to you and disclose it? What did he have to say for himself?
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@matador84: I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I was hoping this was a "for a friend" kind of post.
I agree with you that I would not jump to divorce, in large part because we have a child (and another on the way). I hope he is receptive to change and counseling. Did he give any explanation? You of course don't have to share that if you don't want to.
In my brothers case, they didn't have children and he was willing to work through things, even the affair, and she did not want to. So it was over but that's very different than your situation!
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@matador84: that IS a good step! Yeah that 10k doesn't help and I'm sure the monthly fees are pretty high now, so that doesn't help, it just builds over time. Perhaps he's just overwhelmed with the amount of debt? Not an excuse. But get a plan to pay it off. Maybe joint accounts to help track for a while? You shouldn't feel stupid, his mistake, hopefully he steps up and figures out how to quickly pay it off!
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@Greentea: I think I'm going to request to see all his statements. If I'm going to help pay this, he could at least disclose where the money has been going.
I did ask was this like my wedding ring that started it all? (Married almost 6 years, engaged a year before that, dated 4 years before that...)he said no, it was just an accumulation of stuff from after college.
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I'd be upset, but divorce wouldn't even cross my mind. It's not THAT much (especially when's oh factor in the dental work) and now you have the opportunity to have a productive discussion and deal with the problem. I guess in large part it depends on the underlying reasons how upset I'd be and how I'd deal with it.
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I'd be upset but would not consider divorce. Ask him to show you all his statements and take over the finances.
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I'll play devil's advocate here. This happened to me. We weren't married but we had been together for several years and were living together. And it was twice that amount. I was furious. It took us years to pay it off and we were broke as f*ck for some of that time. Wall me if you want.
Eta: I would highly recommend American credit counseling to help pay it off.
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I agree with @greentea: and @truth bombs:. How I would feel would probably depend on the circumstances of how the debt accumulated and whether or not he came forward on his own.
so sorry you have to deal with something like this! -
@matador84: I'm sorry
I don't know what I would do. I'd need a few days to process everything. At a minimum I'd see a counselor for myself and with DH...I'd need objective advice on how to learn to trust him again.
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@matador84: That dental bill sure doesn't help. It sucks, but that is good that he gave you his card. I'd find out if he could get a loan to pay it off so at least he is paying less interest. And I don't think it is unreasonable to want to see his statements.
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@catomd00: I think you live in a very different world than the average person if $20k in consumer debt "isn't that much" to you.
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I would feel really upset of course, but I would forgive him. Finances are so complicated and can get out of hand so easily. Especially if you were letting him "handle" the finances -- I guess I just can see where that could happen. It depends on if it was a super intentional "hiding" of something I guess.
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@matador84: the dental bills sound like they were necessary so it's not like he was out buying new golf clubs, etc. but if he needed it, why would he hide it from you? That's what I would want to get to the bottom of.
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I would file for divorce and tell him once he paid the debt off with his own money we could consider getting back together. I would make sure the divorce settlement have him all the debt, not 50/50.
His debt affects you. Your ability to get a loan, your credit score, etc. Divorce would be a legal protection for you while he cleans up his mess. If he doesn't want to pay it off and isn't motivated by wanting to repair his relationship then the divorce was for the best anyway
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Meh... not sure I'd be that upset. We'd get them closed and paid.
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I would be pretty upset but agree I wouldn't jump immediately to divorce. Where did the money go?
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@matador84: Any time there is some question of trust you are going to be upset, especially with expenses involved. A similar thing happened to us and I had some situational depression over it with the initial shock and unknowns. We got it worked out and he ended up owing just over 10K. Hopefully you can work out the root issues so that in the end it's just money. I think the other worries that accompany these situations are more difficult (the worry of trust, the unknowns). Good luck!
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I'd be furious. This happened to a friend of mine - her husband changed his tax filing without her knowledge and they wound up owing $15k to the IRS when tax time rolled around.
After she realized killing him wasn't an option, they made a payment plan, she took over finances and he worked a side job to make the payments. It sucked but they worked through it. It sounds like your DH is very willing to make a plan and act on it.
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First of all, I'm sorry, I'm sure that is very shocking! I wouldn't jump straight to leaving him, but would feel very upset and betrayed. It's a breach of trust, IMO. I would immediately try to set a plan for paying it off, and I would require that ALL financial things, any purchases, be completely transparent. I would also suggest some counseling for my H. Financial counseling, obviously, but I think seeing a regular therapist could be valuable. That's a large amount of debt, and I would be wondering if there isn't something behind it -- shopping addiction, even bipolar disorder I could see leading to something like that, making a bunch of impulsive purchases. Not saying there is necessarily something deeper behind it but I think it should be considered and explored to make sure it doesn't happen again.
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Flip out!!!! We've worked really hard to pay down all of our consumer debt. I would be pissed! I'd probably make him get a second job on the weekends to pay it off!
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Wow. I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'd feel super betrayed, but we'd probably work together to come up with a plan to pay it off. Likely one that included him working more hours/another job (even though that would mean more solo time with the kids.) Or hell, maybe I'd take another job and leave him on kid duty. Either way, I'd feel better once there was a plan, but I'd definitely require open communication about what the debt is, how it got so large, and what he's doing to prevent it from happening again. I would also be clear that anything occurring from now on would be grounds for me to consider divorce. Fool me once...
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I'd be pissed and I'd want to know what he bought, why he bought it and what made him think it was okay to keep it a secret. The trust would definitely be gone for awhile. After I cooled down, we'd come up with a plan to pay it off and I'd probably handle everything from then on.
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If he would have just went out and had a 20k spending spree we'd be in counseling immediately because obviously something big is going on. I think in a situation like you describe I'd be upset but I wouldn't take any drastic measures. In the grand scheme of things it isn't that much, we'd work it out and pay it off. I would definitely take over the financial management for both of us and he would need to explain purchases for the foreseeable future. He probably thought he could handle it but with interest it can get out of hand.
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@Truth Bombs: actually, he did not disclose it. i had my identity stolen (unrelated to this--just bad luck) and opened the mail without looking. I opened his cc statement and thought it was mine...when I saw the balance I was like OH &*(%#$, thinking someone had also taken a credit card out in my name. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case...
@hotchildinthecity: I'm not sure what that is (acc) can you wall me more info? Thanks!
@Truth Bombs: they were definitely necessary, although I wish they weren't. It's still 10K unaccounted for, but I can see how over years it would be easy to rack that up.
We definitely don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any means, but I am a LOT more tight with finances than he is. I've paid off all my student loans, no debt at all to my name, car paid off, only carry a mortgage. I'm sure we are going to have to at least get counseling since it's going to be hard to not hold a grudge. I keep thinking of all the things 20K will pay for...our kids tuition to private school, my graduate school, new car, down payment on a bigger house, and instead here we are paying it off on a huge cc bill. I don't want to resent him for it, but I definitely want to move forward too.
@LaughLines: I'm not trying to be ignorant, but how does his debt affect me? When I run my credit report (which I do at least once a year and just did due to the identity theft), the credit card doesn't show up on my report because it's only in his name. Yes, it of course affects me--but how so directly on my credit?
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@Greentea: I can see how easily that would happen. It's hard to not be resentful.
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I would be very very upset but I don't think divorce would be my initial reaction with or without kids. I think counseling could be beneficial because of the hiding. I know a few women that are engaging in debt hiding from their husbands. I don't know how similar it is to your situation but for them the debt hiding is a symptom/side effect of communication and control issues. I would want to understand the root of the issue.
Sorry you're going through this. Good luck!
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@Jess1483: We can live on one income, so we are going to use his income to live on and mine to pay down the debt. It's definitely going to suck for a year but knowing about the debt and carrying it I feel like is such a huge burden that I have to get rid of.
I would be pretty upset but agree I wouldn't jump immediately to divorce. Where did the money go?
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