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I don't think it's realistic to expect a complete turn around. Maybe an honest conversation would help: *why* does he not help out? Does he think it's unimportant? Assume you would rather handle things? Feel like he can't do it properly? Just being lazy? If you know before pregnancy what the root is, you can work together to create a new balance.
A child (and pregnancy!) is a very stressful life event and, for our family, only seemed to intensify our traits under the stress - both good & bad.

I think once you become a parent you will need his help, so he will have to step up. Parenting kind of brings you to your knees and it *will* be worth fighting about, because you'll both have to help to survive, so I am of the opinion there is hope. However, you may have to be more demanding - I had to learn this, and demanding is admittedly a poor choice of words. However, my DH used to live terribly and he was AMAZING (and still is) when DD was born. It did change him. You kind of have to step up and he did.

DH has definitely stepped up with LO here (and during my pregnancy), but his helpfulness is directed more toward taking care of me than helping around the house. I am learning that he is just never going to notice that the stove is dirty and clean it himself, or strip the bed and wash the sheets without my asking him. We are both much happier when I give up on him just pitching in and give him a very specific list. Deadlines help, too - "please do X today," "please do Y before the end of the weekend."

I agree with JoyfulKiwi - figuring out why he is not doing these things is important. That can inform how you talk to him about this.

I have a positive story! My husband was kind of a disaster at household stuff when I met him. We've been together nearly a decade and I spent a lot of the early years working on helping him acquire good habits at home, and it has really really worked. I think a lot of these guys truly mean well, but it takes any human a lot of repetition to acquire a habit. So that's a lot of working together to make it happen. With my DH, it helped a lot to do a few things:
1. We sat down before we got married and wrote out lists of the things we both wanted to get done in our lives, including cooking, cleaning, taxes, yardwork, driving, taking out trash, everything you can think of, and then divvied it all up so we each had sole responsibility for certain things.
2. I accept that I have to nag DH. But I'm strategic about how I do it. I don't just say "there are dirty dishes in the sink." Usually what works best is "the kitchen is a disaster, how about you clean it up, and while you're doing that I'll plan our meals for the week and make a grocery list." He responds very well to the "you do this and I'll do that" approach.
3. Periodically level with him if I'm unhappy about the way things are going. He cares if I'm upset and wants to know about it. If I don't tell him, he won't know.
4. I do lower my standards somewhat. Our house is perpetually messier than I would like. It's okay.

He has stepped up immeasurably over the years, but it did take time. Now he's an absolute rockstar dad and honestly I have nothing but praise for how hard he works to be a great parent for DD and never ever complains or acts like it's my job to do stuff for her. We are 100% equal parents. (He may even be doing 60% these days.)

So hopefully that story offers some comfort to you. I don't agree with commenters above that your relationship is doomed or that you can't have kids with your DH. People can change. I hope that's the case for you.

I wouldn't let this keep me from ttc, but I do think things will be very shocking and extremely hard at first once a baby arrives. You will get into a groove though, and things do get easier. I've seen that it's harder for some dads to be hands-on during the newborn/baby stage because the baby is not too fun at that point and a TON of work. But as they get older and more interactive things get easier and more fun. My DH was always a huge help around the house and definitely did more than his fair share regularly with cleaning, bills, errands, cooking, etc. but a newborn really threw him for a loop and I found that he was happy to watch the clock and point out the second his "turn" was over and he definitely stayed much later at work to avoid the stress at home.

I had to chime in. My mom deemed my husband the laziest husband. He doesn't do laundry: when my mom was staying with us to help with the kids (now almost 3y/o and 6 months old), she was trying to help me and even washed my DH's underwear. I don't know, if I were him, it seemed I would care a bit more about laundry. He doesn't cook. Doesn't do dishes. He takes care of the trash ... and make sure we are always connected to technology. He does do the taxes and make sure that the house is OK. But he doesn't mow the lawn (it's awful), doesn't water it (looks really bad). I gave up and had somebody come in to paint the first floor and the trim on the door that he started 3 years ago, just before the first kid was born... When the kids came in the pictures, he had no choice. He loves them so much and he takes care of them... but don't expect him to do a load of laundry (and multitask... that's a women's thing). If a kid is sick, he will stay home... but I expect a tornado at the end of the day... and no food to eat on the table.

My husband is one of those people that unless I specifically ask him to do something, he won't do it. He'll walk by the laundry basket 1000 times in the day before he'll think to put it in the machine and largely the reason is that I am a control freak. Early in our relationship, he tried to help with the laundry, but I handn't sorted it yet, so he ended up machine washing some cashmere sweaters. They shrunk and now, he's worried that when he completes a task, it won't live up to my expectations. So, unless I give him direction, he doesn't do chores in the house and this looks, on the surface, that he doesn't help me. But I'd rather it this way. I can get away with it because we have a cleaning lady that comes twice a month, so my only major chores are laundry, ironing (because I want to, not because he aks me to) and half of the cooking during the week.

At the end of the day, I think you really need to decide what it is that you want. It seems like you're partly worried about paternal instincts and partly about housekeeping. They're two separate things in my mind, and it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

For me, my DH wasn't to the point where he NEVER did cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. But, it was definitely like 80%me/ 20% DH. It was more helpful for us to do housework and stuff together. But, the only thing he would do on his own is the occasional laundry, well because he would run out of cloths. After I got pregnant, he definitely stepped up his game on the household stuff. He is very concerned about the health of the baby. So, he would do more of the cleaning since at one point I physically couldn't do it. Afterwards, we both contribute 50/50. Like if I am busy with the baby, he will do dishes because we need bottles. Or, the baby plays on the floor, it should be cleaned because of cat hair or dirt. While our house is definitely never perfect, DH stepped up his game after having a baby.

My perspective is different because DH really can't help because of his disability. In fact, I take care of him and our son. I prepare all meals, wash all dishes, change all the diapers, take out all the trash, do all the laundry (except when the babysitter does it). If my DH could help more he would. Being a caregiver and mom is HARD. If my husband was simply lazy or unmotivated to help, that would not fly with me.

@Greentea: yes to specific jobs. He doesn't noticed things needing to be done but if he has a job he will do it. He always does dishes and bath time.

I'm usually more like the husband in these scenarios . My DH LOVES to be productive. Me on the other hand, I love sitting on the couch watching tv, lol. I hate housework and would far rather pay someone to do the things I have no interest in doing.

But when DS came there are things I just have to do. As a newborn I did almost all the feedings, I take care of his laundry, and I solo in the mornings.

I think it helps for both DH and I that we pretty much have "assigned" chores. DH does the yard work and takes out the garbage, and he makes DS's lunch and puts it in the fridge. He also does the dishes. I do most of the cooking (though sometimes he has to pick up the slack with that because I'm pregnant and sometimes dealing with nausea or exhaustion).

@hb3233: is hubs aware that starting a family/having a baby will be lots of work and place demands in his time? Have you guys had that convo?

I think this can work, but you need to be proactive. Have a serious conversation with him about the parenting that he will need to do for you to be comfortable TTC. I doubt there's going to be a huge improvement in his help around the house, but that doesn't mean he won't contribute to the parenting. And, at times, that may mean that he needs to take on more parenting responsibilities, since you're also going to be maintaining the house. And continue to hire out what you can (our life has been so much better since we decided to hire out lawn care and cleaning).

I totally agree that you need to set high expectations early on. While I was pregnant, I often told my husband that once baby was here I had two jobs - Heal and feed the baby. He was in charge of everything else. Some things that helped establish this were
1) He is in charge of diapers. Not that I never change them, but he does the majority.
2) The bassinet went on his side of the bed. When baby woke up in the middle of the night, he would change his diaper and bring him to me to nurse. I took things over later, but I think this was good in the beginning, if only for my sanity.
3) Shortly after our son started taking a bottle (we started working on it at 4 weeks and he was good at it by 6 weeks) my husband started putting him to bed at least a couple nights per week.
4) We made a ton of freezer meals, so it was easy to just thaw and heat up. Not a long term solution, but got us through the newborn period.
5) Most importantly - let him do things his way. Even if it's not how you would do it. Unless he's doing something really unsafe, try to let him become confident in caring for the baby. The best thing for this was that my husband stayed home with the baby when I returned to work and it really made him more confident. Even if it's just a week, it really helps.

Long story short, my husband is amazing and wonderful and a fantastic father and an extremely hard worker.

He is also a slob and forgetful. His bachelor pad was absolutely a hoarder biohazard situation. He went from his mother's house where she did everything to a military academy where they just wore uniforms and ate at the cafeteria so when he became an adult with his own place, he had no idea how to deal with household chores. At some point he hired a cleaning lady but not often enough and he constantly lost things in the mess and bought multiples of everything. Ate out every night, etc.

But I also know he works very hard and basically uses his brainpower focusing on discreet tasks one at a time. He isn't going to remember a million tasks at once like I do and he isn't a natural multitasker, but his concentration levels beat mine every day.

What we have done at every new stage of our relationship is assign specific tasks to each other. We did this when we got married, each time we moved to a bigger place, when we had a baby, when one of us started a new or more time consuming job, when our schedules changed, etc. We talked about what each was willing to do and not do and outsourced the rest. And those are our chores until we renegotiate. If something doesn't get done, then we know who's responsible.

So before baby, DH was in charge of all bills and finances - he basically sat down one day and set up Mint, autopay for our bills, and hired a CPA to handle our taxes. We confer monthly about our budget and large expenditures and check in once a week about our balances. (I know what our large bills are and I'll ask if they have cleared yet, etc). If a bill comes, he knows he's in charge and handles it.

He also sets up the coffee, does the garbage, vacuums, and historically has done most of the laundry. Dishes via dishwasher. Handles all electronics and telecom stuff in the house. The stuff I want done daily he knows he shouldn't come to bed until it's done.

I do cooking, all shopping, meal planning, bathrooms, dusting, floors, laundry and dishes as needed, and basic home repairs.

Neither of us do lawn maintenance, car maintenance, or major repairs. We get warranties for our appliances and have regular service packages for our cars and pest control at the house and HVAC stuff, etc. We pay our accountant a lot of money to do taxes, bookkeeping, etc.

One area I have tried to let go completely is DH's office. It's gross and we keep the door shut/locked so our son can't get in there and we get around to cleaning it every few months after we can't find something important and I lose it, but otherwise I just forget about it.

When we had our first child at first it was chaos but we once again set up specific tasks. DH woke up with DS in the mornings, took first and last feedings by bottle, washed all the bottles and pump parts every night. He did any diapers he was around to change. As DS got on a nap schedule, DH put him down or got him up from any nap he was home for.

Now at 18 months he wakes up and has breakfast with DS every morning and does bath and bedtime routine with our son just about every night. It's helped us with parental preference (so far DS has none). He also drops off and picks up DS from daycare on specific days and in exchange I have all the daycare bags and DS' meals prepped and ready in advance.

With LO2 on the way we are again assigning tasks. Since DS typically STTN, DH is in charge of any toddler night wakings going forward. He will also probably have the same kind of newborn responsibilities he had with DS. We will likely hire a housecleaner twice a month to take more cleaning off our plate.

So you might want to try that sort of thing. I know DH would forget to call a contractor but he WOULD be at home to let the guy in and pay him. So we always do that - I will call and set up the appointment for when DH is home using our shared Google calendar, set it to alert him on his phone, and remind him the day before. Or I would hire the service but have them call DH to set up the time. That way I don't have to deal with sitting around for the guy and the task gets handled.

I don't think my husband was as bad but I know how you feel. I was worried too. The thing is I am a details person and so household stuff bothered me and finances bother me. I have spreadsheets about everything. Dh doesn't care about a lot of stuff I do and he just feels things will work out. I was worried if he didn't worry about this how will he be with kids?

Having kids was amazing for us. DH really stepped it up! It was a lot easier for him to take care and deal with kids than to do household or finance stuff. All my worry was for not.

He is an amazing dad.

I have a darker story. My husband was 100% hands off in taking care of the home, but 100% all about working his 70 hope weeks and managing our finances. I have always done 100% of everything domestic. All cooking, cleaning, etc was done by me, even when I was also working 55-75 hours a week (I made 75% less)
When we were TTC, we said that I would do all the childcare plus my current responsibilities, and he was basically going to be a 1950s Dad who was there on the weekends and said hi when he walked in the door during the week.
Foolishly, I thought that would be fine. Obviously things got completely off the rails, he changed 3 diapers in 6 months and less than 10 diapers in her two years of life. He refuses to watch her even just so I can cook dinner. When she was a newborn he wouldn't even hold her except for pictures to be taken.
I had no idea how hard it was going to be basically alone. Or the resentment I would feel being told dinner is boring and repetitive and that the house is never clean enough while he leaves dirty dishes on the counter and watches TV while I raise the baby.
He swears he will participate more when she's older, but when exactly is that?! I've begged him for additional help, but he's willfully useless "She doesn't want me, she loves you more." I've begged him to come to counseling, but he thinks all our problems are in my head.
So before you sign up for doing 100%, think long and hard about the psychological toll of watching someone you love ignore the best part of your life. It literally hurts that he doesn't appear to care about her unless he gets to post it on Facebook.
And he swore he would participate in parenting on the weekends. We get one family activity he participates in a week is frequently grocery shopping. The rest of the time he is irritated with her/us.
I just don't ever want anyone to get sick where I am, intermittently despising my husband.

I, like many here, have a husband that I wish would help more around the house. I tried it all, asking him to do things, nagging him to do things, praising all the things he did, giving him "chores".... it would all leave me frustrated with him not helping "enough" and I would get mad and it all just sucked. I decided I can just do it and that's fine (he's an awesome dad and will gladly entertain J for hours while I clean, take him out of the house, etc).

I consciously made a decision to be happy and not get mad at him and, like magic, he's helping around the house so much more. He's cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes, he's making amazing dinners and running to the store for what we need. He really doesn't respond well to being criticized so I just keep telling him how happy I am and how much his help means to me and hopefully it keeps on coming