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That is so sad it really breaks my heart. I wish I could put my kids in a bubble and protect them.

I think that could definitely be the start. I dont think it's ever "normal" even at 3-4 to be mean and exclusive.

DD1 has been part of something similar (on both sides) this year at preschool too. I think it's normal, developmentally, since kids at this age are starting to develop actual friendships -- I mean, at some point you realize that you like/get along with some people more/better than others, right? But I think it's important to try to use it as a teachable moment about caring for others, respecting others feelings, etc. The good news about DD1 being on both sides of it at various times is that I can use her own life as examples (e.g., "remember when you were sad because R didn't want to play with you?"). I think it's also important for parents/teachers to watch and make sure it is more of an exception than a rule. At DD1s school, the teachers watch for "toxic" (?? for lack of a better word) friendships that tend to generate this type of behavior and try to separate those friends when they can.

All that to say, I think in small doses it is normal (but still sad!)...but it could definitely grow to something more troublesome.

I think there are just different "levels" at different ages and how much they truly understand or know is Mean or bullying. DD goes to an education based Childcare center where they move up "classrooms" based on progress/ abilities/ as well as age. I remember when she was in Toddler learning level, there was a little boy who REALLY just had it out for her and would LOOK for her to go bite her or hit her. Its really hard. She was TWO. So we just would talk to her daily and tell her to use her words, tell him "Stop it! I don't like that" and stay away from him. Find other friends to play with. She is now in Preschool classroom with 3-4 year old kids. Much more going on now. Name calling has begun. Oy! Its so hard when they are so little and still learning to communicate.

I think 3 and 4 is young for true bullying. One of our daycare teachers pointed out to me that at this age, three's a crowd. Xander (3) has his best friends (the four other kids that were in his toddler class with him) and he really struggles with wanting to play with others when he's so close to these four. Some might consider his behavior bullying because he'll refuse to play with others and say they aren't his friend and only (insert name of the four boys) are his friends. I suspect that's normal for this age.

Or is my kid the bully?????

@Adira: I agree it's too young to be calling it bullying bc even if they're being mean they don't really know what they're doing.

But I was surprised at how toxic one kid could be. The mean girl in my daughters class was just the biggest and most verbal and made various clubs with certain kids. And if any of the kids talked to the kids not in the club they were kicked out and no longer could be talked to. It was really weird behavior and they'd break up one club and another one would start. the teachers talked to parents about it several times bc it was affecting the class and making lots of tears and fights happen. The first time I saw this girl, who was 4, came up and said 'your baby (9 months) is bothering me, she's playing where I want to play' and then went and shoved her off. So while I think so much of it is learning still, she just has future bully written all over her since the behavior continues.

@Adira: I definitely agree with you. My daughter is the same way - she knows what she likes and gets upset when she doesn't play with them. Your kid isn't alone! The pre-k program she will be entering in Sept has something called "post nap visit" where for 30 minutes after rest time, they have to visit a different kid's cot and chat for 30 minutes. I really like this because it encourages them to play 1-on-1 with a kid they may not usually play with.

@Bao: I think it definitely starts at 3/4 but i don't think the behaviour you describe is true bullying (though it can manifest into bullying as they get older if their parents/teachers don't do anything about it). I remember i was really sad when DD came to me telling me the same thing...but then i realize she does the same thing to other kids too! I use it as a teaching opportunity so that she understands her words can hurt other kids too.

@Freckles: I also try to use it as a teaching opportunity. I point out that Xander doesn't like it when Mama or Dada won't play with him so that's how some other kid feels when Xander refuses to play with them!