I've known about enabling and co-dependence almost as long as I've known about addiction, so I like to think that I generally set good boundaries and deal non-reactively with the drama that an addict brings.
But the other day I got the phone call, the kind where the person is obviously using and trying to hide it. And my stomach dropped and my mood plummeted. Even as that happened, I knew I would not be going to there house to 'save' them. I wouldn't even answer any more phone calls. No visits to the jail or pleas for rehab. I KNOW that there is nothing I can do if the addict doesn't want to get clean. I know, but still...Sometimes it feels like my loved one is drowning and I am standing on the sidelines saying, " I told you not to swim! I'm ready to help when you want help!" as they go under.
It is just such a huge bummer.
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You say the person is "obviously using" - that sounds like he/she has stopped before but started back up? If there a reason the addict doesn't want to stay clean or is a matter of not being able to? I haven't dealt with this first hand but I watched my sister lose her boyfriend to an overdose (she had to cope with that plus not knowing about the drugs either). I would just hate to watch someone have to go through that. =/
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I know
It's very very hard, but you can't save them if they don't want to be saved. It's still a hard reality to accept
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@LindsayInNY: those are good questions but I don't think I will ever know the answers. For the most part, being an addict sucks, and there is almost certainly an underlying issue, but *my* addict is not willing to consider therapy or anything like that. We've done rehab and hospitalization plenty of times but it has never stuck.
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@blackbird: now that I have my daughter I am trying harder than ever to accept that and move on. I don't want to taint her life with 'bad days' because I'm upset about this, you know?
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@lizzywiz: That's really hard. Most of my "experience" is from watching Intervention (I know...) and, I agree, there usually is some sort of underlying issue that has to be dealt with. In your case, if the addict isn't willing to consider therapy then they clearly either don't want to get better or aren't ready to. I think standing your ground and not enabling is really the most you can do.
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@lizzywiz, I totally, 100% understand. I worry about this constantly. Addiction plays a huge role in how I think about her, simply due to the fact that its nasty little fingers have robbed my family of so much.
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@blackbird: I also worry about how to explain this to LO when she is old enough to understand. I imagine that the first time this person lets LO down might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but I am borrowing trouble. Right now, we just need to get through this bender.
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@lizzywiz: I can empathize. When you know a loved one is using, you *just know*.
My brother is a heroin addict. He's refused treatment (there have been many, MANY attempts at getting him help. Inpatient, outpatient. You name it, our family has tried it!) I've accepted that HE needs to want to change. That doesn't make it any easier to watch him circle the drain, though.
I would have thought he would have bottomed out by now...((hugs)) I wish I had some magical advice for you!
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@lizzywiz, I wish I had the answers for that. All you can do is wait it out, I suppose =\
@doxielove, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope your brother wants to get clean someday.
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@doxielove: wishing for them to bottom out is such a weird feeling, isn't it? Like every time something bad happens when they are using you hate it, but then you hope it will be bad enough to make them stop...
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@doxielove: @lizzywiz: @blackbird: hardest thing my family has gone through is my little sister's battle with schizophrenia and drug addiction (they go hand in hand for her, as she has no impulse control and is very easily swayed by the "friends" around her.
Every single time my mom calls, I have to wonder if its going to be THE call, you know? And it's not fair that it took my beautiful, intelligent, funny little sister. =( it's the worst.
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As an addict myself (who has been sober over 5 years) I am happy to hear you are still sticking to your boundaries. I have been to 11 treatment centers and at the end of the day the only thing that worked for me was hitting my bottom and going to AA. Most treatment centers graze over 12 step programs and 30 days is almost never a long enough commitment, especially to those with a long history of relapse. And AA never worked for me until I was desperate enough to do everything I was told.
I've lost many many close friends and family members because of this awful disease. I hope the addict in your life finds their way to recovery soon. Have you tried going to al-anon? I find it to be very helpful
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@anagram, that is just so so hard. I hope you never get that call. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.
@luckypenny, so happy to hear that you have sobered up and turned your life around. I love hearing those kinds of stories.
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I can completely relate. Someone in my immediate family struggles, but her refusual to accept help and the complete selfishness her addiction entails have caused to take six steps back. I am ready to embrace her when she cleans up, but am sick and tired of her addiction being the center of my family's universe. Other members of my family choose to enable, but I personally can't deal with the disappointment and heartache, anymore, especially now that I have DD.
Hugs!
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@luckypenny: Thanks for sharing and congrats on sobriety! It was nice of you to express support of my boundaries. Sometimes sticking to them feels wrong but your comment helps
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reviving an old thread instead of writing a new one.
Same shit, different day, but for whatever reason this time (again) it is really undoing me. No details that would really illuminate anyone, just an addict who can't stay clean and the chaos they cause.
I guess a positive way of looking at it is that it has been over a year since I started this thread, so my emotional boundaries held up for quite a while.
It may be the holidays coming up...How's it going with everyone else?
ETA- I actually do know what is bothering me this time- stupid addict is MIA (for days) and won't reply to phone/text. I think I am prepared for the worst but then when I really think it is the worst, my stomach twists like never before.
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@lizzywiz: thanks for reviving this thread... we're dealing with this with an immediate family member of DH right now and it's HARD. There's a toddler's (not mine) welfare involved and people are still enabling the addict for fear of losing contact with the toddler. I simultaneously want to butt out and not involve myself or DH and try to make people involved realize that they're not helping the situation. Ugggh, it's really sad, and delicate, and exhausting.
@luckypenny: congrats on 5 (now 6!) years of sobriety. It's easy to see someone try treatment and relapse and think all hope is lost, so it's nice to hear from someone who made it out the other side.
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@lizzywiz: I know for families/friends the holidays can be a real anxiety producing time. So glad you've stuck to your boundaries
have you tried al-anon? @Shutterbug: thanks! It's crazy how time flies by. 6 years feels like a lifetime ago so it's always a good reminder to hear others struggles and remember where I came from and how grateful I am to be where I am at today. I've seen people get and stay sober for good after just going to one AA meeting and people going for decades who any seem to make it stick. Recovery comes in all different ways to people. I wish there was a magic wand somewhere to cure everyone
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@luckypenny: I bought : Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions , does that count? lol.
The truth is, with work and a two year old, I just haven't made the time for it. I know it would be good to have IRL community that understand but I just haven't made it happen. -
@lizzywiz: Same boat over here....but since my sister is also schizophrenic, it's not a problem that will ever "go away" I guess. She has very good periods where she's on her psychiatric meds, staying away from her bad-influence friends, and off recreational drugs.....but then she'll go through another bad period where she disappears for days, off her meds, sometimes ends up in jail...and eventually ends up back in a super expensive private psych hospital for a few months while my mom slowly drains her retirement accounts to pay for it.
I hate mental health (and addiction issue) healthcare--or lack of it--in this country.
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@Anagram: The schizophrenia must add a whole other layer to the crap cake. I have a hard time deciphering my feelings of fear, sorrow, loss, anger, rejection and if *my* addict also had a mental health diagnosis I would feel extra guilt on top of the already significant amount of guilt I feel about how much or how little I get involved. Ugh!
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@Anagram: I am so sorry, I have an immediate family member who is right there with your sister except bipolar not schizophrenic. He's been doing great but he is drinking daily again so I'm waiting for it all to come crashing down. My son is 1 and I'm pregnant again why can't the person stay sober for them? oh wait probably for the same reason they couldn't do it in my childhood
@lizzywiz: See ^. I'm ignoring it like that is going to help but idk what else to do.
@Shutterbug: I'm so sorry, I'm so glad the only kids in this situation are mine, and I'll be mamabear if thats what it takes.
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@lizzywiz: @jetsa: yeah...the thing is, with my sister and schizophrenia in general, their decision-making logic is just gone. So she's extremely, extremely easily influenced. In some ways that can be good---if we can cloister her entirely, and keep her just around family, then she has no desire to go out and do bad things with bad people. If my mom suggests church, or hanging out with my niece and nephew, she's all over it. If my sister wants her to come over and watch a movie, she's game.
But if one of these people from her past suddenly calls her up out of nowhere and wants to "hang out", well, she's a late-20's girl who wants to live life and go out with friends occasionally. But if they even so much as suggest anything stupid, she'll also say yes to them. She's "loaned her car" to random people and my mom had to file a police report after it never turned back up. Every time she gets a computer, she "loans it" to someone and never gets it back.
Turns out...the only people who want to hang on with a 28 year old schizophrenic girl are her family and losers with their own addiction issues who are looking to take advantage.
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@lizzywiz: As the daughter of a recovering alcoholic, I would second the recommendation for al-anon. The book is definitely a good starting place, but the community al-anon provides is invaluable.
If you are open to it, some church communities also offer Recovery programs, with a worship service and small groups. Small groups range from from groups for chemical addiction, sexual addiction, or eating disorders, to groups for family members, including what some places call "pre-covery" classes for little ones. My church's Recovery program saved my parents' marriage and is what ultimately led my dad into treatment seven years ago. I know church services aren't for everyone, but the folks involved in the Recovery community at my church will tell you that the Recovery services are unlike any other they've ever attended (in a good way). Best of luck to you.
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@Anagram: places and certain people are my family member's trigger. We can normally slow the cycle if we can get them to move or something but when you are talking to an adult and one with mental illness at that you can't always get them to see to 'correct' path.
It's very very hard, but you can't save them if they don't want to be saved. It's still a hard reality to accept
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