Who (if either) is the primary breadwinner in your household? Do you feel like it affects household dynamics? (i.e. who does more household work, or for both WOH parents, who takes off for sick days, appointments, etc)? Are you and your partner happy with the dynamic?
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DH and I earn about the same. I think DH could care less if I made more than him, he doesn't have an ego about these things and would be happy for the extra money
I do take on the majority of household tasks, and due to the location of daycare do all drop offs and pick ups. I'm not always happy about this, but now that DH is getting settled into a new job that he took recently, he's started taking on more household tasks. I think this dynamic will continue, as LO becomes older and has more interests beyond breastfeeding...
I think it does affect the dynamic in some ways. In DH's industry there is very little job security, so responsibilities that could disrupt the work schedule - like taking LO to appointments or watching him during daycare closures - do tend to fall on me. I don't think it's a bad thing, just reality...
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He works on commission so if he misses work it's taking away from his pay. I have sick and annual leave to use so I go to all of the doctors visits and stay home if needed for sick days. We kind of split it household chores but I do inside upkeep and he does exterior (yard, cars, etc.). I manage the finances because that's what I do for a living and do all of the shopping and food prep. It works but I know my load is much heavier on the home front. His is much heavier on the work front.
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My DH is actually a SAHD, so I'm the sole income for our house right now.
I'm also the person who does most of the housecleaning (almost entirely because his version of clean and my version of clean are different). We both go to all doctor's appointments, but I arrange them. DD is 14m old, and has only been sick once so I took the day off. I didn't have to, but seriously, try to keep me away. He has been cooking most dinners lately.
Admittedly, it seems like a lot is on my plate comparatively. Our home situation is a little different than most, though, in terms of my husband's health, so it's not a burden or a problem at this point in time. I won't say that it's what I want for the rest of our lives, but it's also not what he wants either. It is just what works for us for now.
ETA: We live in a condo, so all outside work is done by the association, not by either of us.
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We used to earn about the same (with me slightly ahead) until 2-3 years ago when he got a bunch of promotions and raises and now makes about 30% more than me. I don't think the income itself effects the dynamics of the household, but just that his position is more demanding in terms of having to be at work for meetings/presentations vs my position as an individual technical contributor that is more flexible.
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My husband earns more, but not enough more that we could live off his salary alone. I feel like I do the bulk of the housework, and am in charge of all of it - he’ll usually do something if I ask him to but I wish it didn’t feel like my job to ensure everything gets done. On the other hand, I have higher standards than he does.
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I earn more but not by much considering I have a BS and a MS and my husband has a high school diploma.
My husband grew up with a very old school gender roll family where the wives didn't work. So that influences a lot. I do most the inside work (cooking, cleaning, laundry, making of appointments, keeping schedule, etc.) and he does the outside work (lawn, snowplow, dump, getting rid of mice, mulching, sealing driveway, fixing broken stuff).
Neither one of us is happy about it. He wants me to do more or not complain about what I do and I want more support or recognition/appreciation for what I do.
I typically leave work for appointments because I'm salary and he is hourly.
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My husband and I make nearly the same pre tax, but insurance comes out of my check, so his is more when it hits the bank account. So I budget everything off of his pay and use my check to pay the mortgage and the truck payment.
My husband is also a cop, and is on nights right now (9:30P-7:30A). So I take our son to the babysitter the 1-2 days a week he goes to her instead of her coming to us. I do the grocery shopping, cooking, meals, and some laundry. My husband does the rest of the laundry and folds all of the clothes and does the major cleaning.
I imagine that once my son is in school, my husband can take him to school and I'll have to have his babysitter get him after school and watch him until I get home. I do all of the doctor's appointments and sick days too (but if he's not horrible sick, obviously the babysitter can watch him and text updates)
We each take care of our own vehicles (he stopped letting me change the oil when I was pregnant, and I've finally got him to let up off of it, so I change my own again). I do the mowing usually, and he does the weed eating, edging, pressure washing, etc.
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We were nearly the same when we first got married. But now I earn more by about $30k-$40k. I’m responsible for more with the house and kids and he handles all the outdoor work. This is mainly due to his work schedule. He works a shift schedule so he’s not always home. Wish it was more balanced but it’s not.
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@periwinklebee: I earn more than double but our work demands are roughly equal so we more or less split household and childcare tasks. DW can take off more easily than I can for a surprise sick day though.
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@nutmeg36: Outdoor work blows - one of the beautiful perks of condo living that I miss!!!
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Interestingly, we earn about the same in dollars, but I am a contractor while my husband is full time. That means that I only get paid for days when I am working, so I am careful to not take days off just because I have personal things to do. That means when our son is sick, depending upon where we are in terms of work load, we divide them.
As for housework, we outsource that. I do the laundry and my husband and I share the outdoor chores of the yard and the pool. We have all our bills on autopay, so outside of a quarterly financial review we don't have much to do there. I take our son to school three days a week and my parents do the other days and the pick up. It is a dance, but it works.
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Dh makes more than me now because I just work part-time from home. Once our kids are grown up, though I'm sure I will go back into the career world. DH definitely would not care if I made more. I think it would be too much pressure on him if I didn't make at least some income. When we both worked FT, we had a balance of housework. But TBH we both kind of enjoy doing housework and cooking. We cook/bake together in our free time so it's never been a stressor for us. Now I do the majority of the cleaning because I'm home all day, but DH has certain chores he does automatically I never have to think about.
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I make slightly more but when you look at overall benefits, I’m pretty sure we are even or he wins.
He does more around the house and yard. I do some chores, the finances, most of the shopping, travel planning, media and most of DD lifestyle/schoolwork/enrichment coordination. I like what I do. -
I earn significantly more. But I don't think salary is the big factor in our household dynamic; it's more the nature of our work. I am in an office environment so less flexibility, while he essentially works for himself so he has much more flexibility. So he does all drop off/pick up because he doesn't have to be at a location at a certain time and he can schedule most meetings to be after drop off/before pick up. I would say we are equal in taking off for kids sick days; even though he he is more flexible we both still have work to do so unless I'm really low on PTO, it's fair game. We almost always both go to all appts with the girls.
Household chores wise, we both put in equal work. We both do what we're good at. He does all the cooking (and therefore grocery shopping). It works b/c it's already 6pm when I get home so if they're waiting for me to make dinner, dinner will be later (which is probably ok as they get older, but essential to be able to have early dinners when they are young). He does all outside yard stuff and fixing things here & there. I handle all our bills/finances, and I clean most of the time with help from him (of course, I do ALL the small things like making appts, remember everything under the sun, re-plenshing household supplies, etc).
I think we do our best and we do what we can/need to do in this season of life. It's hard when our extra help isn't available (aka my mom has been on vacation for 3 weeks), and sometimes we have to take one extra for the other. DH has work trips, I have none, DH has weekend commitments so solo parent way more than he does. But then sometimes I have to leave earlier/stay later for work or once/twice a year have work functions in the evening and he has to chip in. It's really all an ebb and flow.
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My husband earns more, but he will take more time off to deal with kids' appointments, school holidays, etc. I do more general housework/cooking, but that's only because i like doing those things.
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@wrkbrk: Abso-freaking-lutely. We've been noncommittally browsing local houses for sale lately, and while I'd love to move from our townhouse to a separate home, I'm going to miss homeownership-lite.
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I earn more. DH is a SAHD, who works part time in the evening. It was really important to us that one of us stay home with the kids and it just worked to have DH do it. He had a really hard time in the beginning adjusting to the change but it's worked for our family.
Because I work full time, he takes the kids to their appointments but I take off for all major appts or IEP meetings.
As far as cleaning goes, he does the majority of the daily clean ups and then on the weekends for a more in depth cleaning, we each take one floor of the house to get things done faster.
Financially it always hasn't been the best but we really REALLY love that our kids have a parent at home at all times. We plan on doing this until both kids are in school full time.
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@nutmeg36: We just built a house last year and while we love most everything about it - we HATE maintaining the yard. We are thinking about ripping up all the grass and making it “zeroscaped” or “x-scaped” or whatever it is where you have pebbles and stepping stones only!!
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My husband makes almost twice as much as me despite me having a Master's degree (he doesn't). I guess I should have gone into a different field!
However, we split child duties and sick days. We both work the same amount so neither of us feel like we're carrying more workload.
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He currently is a SAHD.
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about the same. when we were first together he earned more, then for several years I did, then he got a new job and it's close to even. household chores and childcare have also toggled back and forth with balance but about the same. @periwinklebee: for SURE when the boy was under a year the heavy lifting household/baby-wise was falling on me the mama, which was just another reason why that first year is hard. I think that's really typical regardless of the demands of your/his industry
when I went back to work pp my friends convinced me to hire a cleaning lady twice a month and I'm SO glad I did. do you guys have one?
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We are pretty equal as far as income but he's moving up while I am not at this time and I'm always the one who takes off for sick days, appointments, school, etc. At home, he does more house stuff, I do more kid stuff. We are happy with the dynamic even though it's tough having both of us work full time with 2 little kids and a big house/yard to manage. We're very supportive of each other. I feel lucky to be where we are personally and professionally but I also feel tired!
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When we first got married I made more for a few years until he got a promotion, then he made more and I got a big raise this spring so now I make more. It never affects our dynamic-we view the money as one big pot of money so we're happy whenever either of us gets a raise. We hired a cleaning woman with my raise as neither of us likes to clean and it has been the best! I think I do more with the childcare but that's because my job is closer to home/daycare and more flexible.
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I earn more but it’s not an issue for us. He changed industries recently and is doing well and getting raises. I’m a teacher who is almost maxed out on the pay scale so eventually our salaries will be more even. But either way it’s fine as is.
I do all the household managing, shopping, cooking and most of the cleaning but right now I’m still on maternity leave. When I’m working the cleaning is a little more even but I usually have to ask him to do things. He mows the lawn (but only does it like 4-5 times a year
) and does other outside work, trash and also has basically renovated our entire house himself including redoing our kitchen this past winter. Childcare wise it is a pretty even split, he takes on most of the 3 year olds stuff and I’m on baby duty. I know now on round two of baby that the first year it’s impossible to have it feel even between Mom and Dad so it’s been easier dealing with that this time (plus he has DD1 anyway).
I take off work for sick days bc he doesn’t get paid if he doesn’t work. I don’t mind that at all and so far it hasn’t been an issue for me needing to take a ton of days and my work environment is very supportive of the fact that parents with young children will need to take a fair amount of sick days.
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DH earns more and unless there is some catastrophe he always will. I work for a government agency with non-profit status. He’s a financial advisor and has his own business. He also works way more than me. The income differential causes some strife because I often feel like he doesn’t take my career seriously, but whenever I say that he says of course he supports me. I’m salaried, and he always makes cracks about me not getting a bonus or not getting paid more when I have to travel.
The only thing DH really does at home is finances, and sometimes the dishes (I’d say I do them 1/3 of the time and he does them 2/3). You all know about the hidden things we moms do to keep our families running: cleaning, organizing every aspect of our children’s lives (do they need new clothes? Doctors appointments, school stuff, social stuff, laundry, food, etc), etc. DH only handles the finances. Sometimes he does a big organizational binge but that takes one day and I’d do more of it along the way if I had more time. But that has nothing to do with how much money he makes and everything to do with how many hours he works. If he worked the same amount and only made as much as I do, I would still be doing these other things because I’m the one who has more time (so like if he worked two jobs and only made as much as me).
We are very fortunate that I don’t have to make more money than I do because DH is able to make enough.
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Right now (for the last year) I have been the primary earner. My husband left his university job (dissatisfaction) to stay home primarily with our 4-5 yr old and work part time. Before that we earned about the same, and early in our relationship and marriage I also was the primary earner.
We still share household duties pretty equivalently even though he's home during the day. I also do logistics/planning primarily and do all the meal planning/grocery/cooking. He handles a lot that I don't ever have to think about.
However he's looking into returning to a job similar to what he was doing before with #2 on the way and #1 starting kindergarten this year. I'll still be primary, but we won't be too far off.
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I'm a little anxious about admitting this...
I earn almost twice as much as my husband. I also carry all the benefits. I do 90% of the household duties and he occasionally helps. I also do a majority of the childcare. On sick days, I usually have to stay with the kids, although this will be changing in the fall. He does stay with the kids one afternoon a week, which is awesome. He does all the outside work (yard work, car maintenance, etc) and I do almost all of the inside work. I do all the cooking, because I love it, and I generally do most of the cleaning.
I also travel a lot for my work and while I am gone, he handles everything, which is great. I never have to worry while I am gone. It's a weird dynamic that is sometimes really annoying, but it works for us.
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@Mrs. Cereal: I also travel frequently for work (which is part of why our decision for my husband to leave his last position was so easy) and have the same setup where I worry about absolutely nothing. I don't have to prep things for them, or do anything special because he has it fully handled. It makes that part of my job a lot easier.
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We're 50/50 money wise.
But my work is a lot more flexible. I can work from home (he can't) and can flex hours. I have a 35 hour work week, his is more like 50+
But my commute is longer.
So I do drop off, he does pick up (unless he has a meeting, then I do it). I do sick days/doctor's appointments because I can work before and after from home.
Housework wise, I think we're pretty 50/50 too. He does all the cooking, I do all the laundry and 90% of the food preparing and dishes for the baby. It helps that we have a house cleaner come once or twice a month.
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I earn maybe 45% more than DH and we split household tasks very evenly. He does all the cooking, dishes, meal planning and outside work and I pretty much do everything else, so laundry, cleaning, making appointments, budgeting, shopping (we grocery shop together) as well as taking car of the car since we only have one and I drive every day to work. He’s a professor, so he has lots of time off, which usually coincides with daycare holidays and the occasional sick day for ds. However, if ds is sick on a day he has class, I have to take off because it’s very difficult for him to miss. He also gets home a lot earlier than we do (ds goes to daycare by my work), so dinner is usually made when we walk in the door. During breaks, he does A LOT of my usual chores too, which feels like I’m on a break too. I am very happy with our set up.
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@LCTBQE: Thanks
I'm all for outsourcing everything feasible... I didn't use a cleaning person before LO because our place is so small it just wasn't that much time to clean it. But after LO I caved because time is so scarce now, and it is so nice to have one less thing to worry about... Since we're in a condo and just use zipcar, thankfully there are no "outside" chores to worry about -
@periwinklebee: yes, I used to be cheap and a control freak about outsourcing stuff, and as soon as I became chronically sleep deprived with the baby I loosened the reigns. If I didn't have a cleaner I would have NO free time at all except for like an hour on weeknights when I'm already exhausted, and I'd be super resentful of my husband, who doesn't care about it as much as I do but certainly enjoys a nice home. that was the case even when we were in our 700 sq ft apartment but now even more so.
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DH earns more than 3x what I make.
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@LCTBQE: Yeah, some evenings by the time we get LO to bed, eat dinner, I shower, and do various chores that have to get done (like dishes, preparing food/bottles for next day, and laundry), I don't even have a minute to relax in the evenings. Add cleaning, and I would literally never have down time. I'm in awe of people who manage multiple kids (and pets!)
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@periwinklebee: yes, I hear you completely and I have no idea how people have 3 kids, I'm not sure how I'll fare with two--I feel like we *just* got a grip on one kid. I actually used to like doing laundry but scrubbing out 1000 food/paint/dirt stains (formerly poop blowouts and milk stains) on Wednesday night at 10pm is not fun
one heeeee-huuuuuugggee game-changer for us was when we started at our new daycare, they provide food, snacks, and milk--so we just send him with his lovey and that's IT. not prepping his lunches/snacks and washing the little baby tupperwares out every night is such a load off. when we start the new baby she'll of course have to be sent with bottles of pumped milk, but the food thing is awesome. I know your little dude is still on bottles but does the place in September provide food when he gets older, by any chance??
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He earns slightly more. He has somewhat more take home pay for each paycheck, but health insurance comes out of my paycheck, so that makes a big difference. He also gets a big bonus (like 5-8K) at the end of the year. But I'm a teacher and don't work for 2 months of the year, so there's that
During the school year, I am responsible for managing appointments, childcare, grocery shopping and meal planning, etc. All the mental load stuff. I also do all the laundry. DH is responsible for the dishes and outdoor maintenance. But he has a long commute, so I am home more. Once DS starts kindergarten (in 2 weeks!!), DH will do drop-off and I'll do pick up. -
DH makes a bit more than I do, but everything is split pretty evenly at home. In our situation, we look at the tasks that need to be done for the day/night and just do them. If DH gets up earlier than me on a weekend day, he'll throw in a load of laundry and I'll hang it outside. If we're short on time, but the grass needs to be cut, I'll start cutting while he edges. He makes the kiddos' lunches for the next day while I make us dinner. We tag team everything, and it makes for such a better house for us.
I'm better at keeping the family calendar while he's better at packing the kids' up. I do drop off in the morning and he picks up. If one of us has an early or later meeting, we coordinate and figure it out. I'm better at managing our money, so I do most of the bills, but he'll go grocery shopping because he knows I hate it. It's a pretty good team dynamic, and he's never treated me any differently because he makes more than me. He's my biggest cheerleader when it comes to my career and I'm his.
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My husband makes slightly more, but we're pretty close. When I was a journalist, he made WAY more. Like two or three times more, at different points. When I sold out and went into corporate communications, it became close to even
I don't think it really affects how we handle things at home, or would affect it. As long as we're both working, we'll both contribute to household chores as equally. We do have a cleaning person once a month and hire people to do the lawn, so that cuts down a bit on the work. Although I will say, when my son was younger, I definitely did the majority of pumping/bottle cleanup and food prep.@LCTBQE: Ahhh, our daycare here provides food, our Houston one did not. It is crazy how much easier that makes evenings! Going from having to deal with all the pumping stuff, and bottles, and then also food after six months old to only having to send a water bottle is amaaaaazing. Although now we have to get ready to start all over again, haha.
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@MrsSCB: 1. yay for selling out
2. Are you pregnant?!!!
when I went back to work pp my friends convinced me to hire a cleaning lady twice a month and I'm SO glad I did. do you guys have one?
I'm all for outsourcing everything feasible... I didn't use a cleaning person before LO because our place is so small it just wasn't that much time to clean it. But after LO I caved because time is so scarce now, and it is so nice to have one less thing to worry about... Since we're in a condo and just use zipcar, thankfully there are no "outside" chores to worry about 
2. Are you pregnant?!!!
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