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@yoursilverlining: Where can I sign up for husband who winds down with a good round of washing the dishes
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Good questions @Anagram:
-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
No and no.-Does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
Yes and yes-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?)
no not normally, but he does occasionally make dental or vision appts/reminders so I slack majorly on those-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
He typically does for his family, and I do for mine, but I'm more involved in gifts for MIL and SIL-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
Never except Christmas when we do swap-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
Non-issue at our house -
wife work? WTF?!
anyway - just to answer your question:
-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him? no, he takes care of his doctor appointments
-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next? he knows them because I write them on our shared calendar, sometimes he takes the baby when I can't make it
-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you? he does not, though he does tell me to go see the doctor if I ask him about a pain or something in passing
-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family? we talk about it together; I usually do the shopping part of it sometimes we do it together
-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
he coordinates (and pays for) a lot of family dinners; i take care of most gifting. He buys my mom (our primary caregiver) gifts or flowers just because though-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)? we're both on the same page as far as our eating habits and we're both (and have been in the past) on similar meal plans, etc.; I do the cooking in the house though!
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I like these questions @Anagram!
-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him? -- No, his schedule changes so frequently with travel that I don't worry about it. He takes care of that himself.
-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next? -- No. He goes to all the appointments with me (well visits), but I usually make the appointment and then share it with him.
-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you? -- No, that's my business. I'll let him know when they are coming up, but I make the appointments.
-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family? -- He remembers their birthdays (Lord knows I never do), but we gift together.
-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family? -- No. That's on me.
-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)? -- He's diabetic, so he lets me know if we can't have anything or if he needs certain things (juice if his sugar drops, etc.). We are pretty much on the same page. He takes care of his medications and getting them unless he's out of town and I'll pick them up/send them if needed.
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@Truth Bombs: Haha, I know, right? It hasn’t always been this way. He is writing a book right now and so is working until like 11 each night and wants to accomplish something with his hands/physically after a long brain-heavy day. Which I *totally* get; I’m the same way. I’m just normal and sew and craft, whereas he is crazy and does dishes!
I'm sure this time will pass but I sure hope not lol
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@Anagram: thanks for bringing up the questions, because they get to the heart of the matter of the mental or emotional tasks of taking care of a household (I didn't think of actually taking care of my husband's body or feeding him or that stuff when I answered). Just that the balance of who remembers to make & keep appointments, who thinks of when new clothes or haircuts are needed for the kids, errands, meetings with teachers, that sort of stuff.
It's interesting to me that so many people objected so strongly and flippantly to the question, when I perceive Hellobee to consist of a majority of traditional households where wives meal plan, cook, do the majority of household chores, shop for kid's clothes, etc etc.
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@MoonMoon: I'm thinking those who have a more traditional role are probably not speaking up due to the tone of responses.
It boils down to this for me--if things works for your family and both partners are happy, carry on!
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@Happygal: yes I think the thread went in a weird direction! I actually think it's an interesting topic, because it does touch on feminism and equality, especially seeing how uneven it can be even when people don't mean it to be. Or as you day, the different splits that different families have. Shrug!
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@MoonMoon: @Happygal: I'm patiently waiting for OP to come back and elaborate on what she meant by "wife work".
Maybe she meant completely different than the blurb I found?? I think most subsequent posters were responding to that blurb. -
I didn't fully understand the question from OP. If what we're talking about is household management, I think I tend to do a lot of it, not because I'm the wife but because it comes more naturally to me (and I suppose that could be partially because of how society raises boys versus girls). I make sure we have needed household items - like toiletries and groceries - coordinate household repairs, and make sure that bills get paid (that's definitely not the man's job in our house
) I don't do things like manage DH's personal appointments. I don't find that this takes too heavy of a mental toll to keep track of or actually do (some of it can be automated), and don't mind coordinating it.
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I agree I just dont understand why its labeled wife-work versus husband-work. There is a certain amount of work/chores that need to be done to manage a house, take care of the kids. On top of that is just general marriage support.
What about this work?
Do you mow the lawn or other outside chores?
Who takes the trash bags out and the bins to the street?
Who manages the household repairs? Car Repairs?
My DH does all of those things plus a lot of other things.
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FWIW, I've heard it referred to as "emotional labor", if the other term rubs the wrong way.
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@MoonMoon: My husband and I fall into relatively traditional roles (I do most of the cooking, I handle the kids clothes, I decorate the house, etc.... He handles all the car care, the yard work, and hiring people to do thing around the house that we can't do ourselves). However, as others have said, we divide labor based on skill sets and interest, not expectations of gender. I handle all the finances because I'm way better at it than my husband. He buys and manages all the kids toys because he's just straight up more fun than I am. If my husband ever expected me to do something simply because I'm a woman I would laugh in his face (I also wouldn't be married to him in the first place if that was his attitude). I love my husband and I'm happy to be his main source of emotional support (as he is mine) but I don't spend time in my day wondering how I can support his ego. As a friend said to me when we were texting about this "I promise a bunch of men aren't sitting around on a forum discussing how they can emotionally take care of their wives".
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@Truth Bombs: I didn't think of it as taking care of someone else's ego either! But I think we're conceiving of the terms differently, so possibly we're talking past one another.
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Also, I don't really think of providing emotional support as work, in the way that doing dishes or cooking is work. For me, it's just part of what a relationship is about...In terms of emotional support, we provide whatever the other needs at the moment, which could be 50-50 in the long-run, but even if it's not, I don't care, as long as we're both doing our best to support the other person - life could just throw more crap at one of us than the other and I want to support DH emotionally as much as I can. Thankfully he doesn't have an ego, so I've never given a second thought about how to support that
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I assumed the OP was posting this, chafing against the idea of "wife work", or emotional labor more being done by the woman in the household.
But I think a lot of PPs read it as if the OP is saying "wife work" is a legit term that is a good thing? I don't know--I'm confused by some of the responses here.
But in my life, I know a *lot* of households where the woman (whether she SAH or works full time) does all the emotional labor--remembering children's homework assignments, projects, family birthdays and holidays, doctor appointments--even for the husband--dentist appointments, etc.
All the other stuff--car maintenance, outdoor work--if that is typically split into "male work", then that's a good discussion, too.
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@Anagram: Totally see where you're coming from.
I'm a SAHM and a self-identified feminist and yet... I do find myself doing a lot more than my husband does. None of it comes from a conscious place of wanting to please my husband or be a perfect wife, or any of those retrograde kind of attitudes.
I think it really boils down to the fact that I hate nagging and waiting around for things to get done, so I just do them. I resent it, but I do it anyway. I wish I could change it, but I realize that trying to meet him halfway would be a long and annoying process and that I would also have to let some of my standards go along the way. And I just can't!
So yes, I think there are many, many women who take on the bulk of "wife work" (or whatever you want to call it), for various reasons. And some might not even realize the inequality at play because these "roles" have been established for so long.
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@MoonMoon: IDK about other hellobee households, but mine's not at all like that. DH does way more household chores than I do, and most other stuff we do together - meal plan/shop, buy the kids' clothes, etc. I will never be one of those people complaining about household balance. Poor DH might come here and complain about me though
.
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@T.H.O.U.: More questions to answer! Here goes!
-Do you mow the lawn or other outside chores?
We split this right down the middle, literally! He has a side of the lawn to mow and I have my side. Other outside chores, we hire out because we don't like doing them.-Who takes the trash bags out and the bins to the street?
Taking the trash out to the bin - totally split. Whoever gets annoyed by how full the trash is first takes it out, haha. I usually take the bin to the street, just because I leave first in the morning, but if I forget, he does it. And then whoever gets home first (usually him, but sometimes me) will take the bin back in.-Who manages the household repairs? Car Repairs?
We hire people because neither of us is handy, but I guess I'm usually the one making the phone call and scheduling the appointment. And we each take care of our own cars (taking it to the mechanic for service). -
@T.H.O.U.: These are good questions too!
Do you mow the lawn or other outside chores? DH mows, I do most of the beds, pruning, digging up rocks, attacking the raspberry bushes, etc. One of these days I'll take the mower out and sit for 3 hours and call it hard labor
Who takes the trash bags out and the bins to the street? In the winter its me usually (I don't mind the cold), summer its whoever leaves last.
Who manages the household repairs? Car Repairs? DH and I split this depending on work schedules and who is more annoyed. Since he does all the dishes he's much more motivated to get the dishwasher fixed, whereas I do the laundry so I get all pissed if the dryer breaks. He does talk with me about car repairs, since I used to do some light mechanic work.
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-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
No, I made his dental appts twice because I was already scheduling mine. One he went to and one he skipped. Never again. He doesn't go to the doctor or dentist.-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
Not really. I printed off the visit schedule before our ped consult to review with him. He didn't look at it. Once baby is here I think he will take more interest in going, but probably not scheduling.
-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?
No.
-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
Only the gifts that are just from him like Mother's Day. I take over Christmas because a GC is a lazy gift in my book and my name is going on the card too.-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
No.-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
No, but will remind me when I fall off a healthy eating kick that I previously announced.Do you mow the lawn or other outside chores?
No, he doesn't either. We hire out. I will prune dead leaves on the potted plants, but I don't even think he realizes this is something that should be done.Who takes the trash bags out and the bins to the street?
He does for the most part unless he's running late. I had to tell him it was important to me that he do it. From a practical standpoint he felt I should do it.Who manages the household repairs? Car Repairs?
I do. He may point out something needs to be fixed, but I coordinate with our handyman or other expert. If it requires we buy something like a major appliance DH will do all the research and I make the purchase. He takes care of his car, but often drags me into picking up/ dropping off something at the repair place for him. -
Ooh I thought of a good one.
If you are going on a family vacation or trip (even just say a day trip), who packs for the kids? Who packs the diaper bag, gets drinks/snacks ready, and packs clothes?
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Do you mow the lawn or other outside chores? We both do, but this year we are hiring it out because I refuse to mow while pregnant.
Who takes the trash bags out and the bins to the street? We both go. During the summer, it's mostly me because he is gone.
Who manages the household repairs? Car Repairs? I do both. It's more up my alley. He is good to pick up the car or take it for an oil change, but more often than not, I deal with the repairs. I'm also a bit handier than he is.
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@T.H.O.U.: I do all that. His idea of packing is to throw some clothes in a Kroger bag and his meds in another. Meanwhile, I pack the suitcase for H and I, get the pnp out (he takes it to the car), and I'm just better at packing, so it makes sense for me to do it.
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@avivoca: I agree, I think I"m better at it though because I've done it 100 times. He's good about their snacks/drinks, but packing medicines, planning outfits, etc he would be terrible at and we would wind up at walmart in no time buying replacements for stuff we already have (but didn't pack). Sometimes I wish he could take a turn with that type of work so he could experience it (how much mental work it can take)
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@Anagram: well wifework seems to be a defined term and from what I read, it's not about the traditional household chores done by women, like washing clothes. To me it seemed it was more about taking care of your husband's emotional needs. I feel as though this thread has gone done the household chore division of labor road.
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@yoursilverlining: I totally get that too! When I was on maternity leave and my husband got home I would pretty much throw the baby at him! I love cuddling my babies but I just wanted to DO something. Get something accomplished and be productive! Same thing with my parents. When they visited they would get mad at me if I cooked or cleaned because they wanted to do those things for me. But I spent so much time nursing that whenever I wasn't, I was happy for someone else to cuddle the baby so I could do something else for a while.
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I have never heard of that term before so I did some googling of my own - seems like some posters are confusing it with housework whereas I found this below:
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"Maushart’s book isn’t perfect, but its strength is her persuasive argument that there’s an awful lot of work that we don’t define as work – we don’t even recognise it as taking up time and energy – and yet, overwhelmingly, it’s women who do it. Essentially, she’s talking about the cognitive dissonance that leads the men and women in her studies to be fairly sure they divide tasks ‘more or less 50/50’ while demonstrating, in their daily lives, that they didn’t. And one of the biggest ‘hidden tasks’ she mentions is that of planning and thinking. She means those seemingly inconsequential activities, like writing a shopping list so someone else can go shopping (the ‘real work’), or remembering that the children need PE kit on Wednesday, or meal planning for the week."
------Using that paragraph above I definitely do all the wifework - its more mental work than physical labor
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@Mamaof2: I still don't get it. Writing down the grocery list? We both do that.
ETA: It kind of seems like "wifework" is whatever work the wife does, so I'll just say I do 100% of the wifework and my husband does 100% of the husbandwork.
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@Mamaof2: the planning and thinking was what I was trying to say, I just didnt know how to say it--thank you! It's not about chores, it's about the mental task of knowing which appointments are when, how many packs of wipes are left, when the bill needs to be paid, when the car's oil needs to be changed, when the kods have grown put of their current clothes, etc.
In my real life circle, these mental tasks are overwhelmingly done by the women
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@Anagram: In that case, those mental tasks are all me.
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@Anagram: yes!
@Adira: Wifework is the mental aspect. So, planning a vacation, knowing its been 6 months and the kids need a dental apt, knowing that Tuesday is library day and to grab the books, etc.
Wifework is not washing dishes or ironing.
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I think I'm probably in a more 'traditional' relationship than some. I definitely take on more of the 'wifework' because I think that's what suits us and what we want our relationship to be like.
I'm the planner for our day to day lives. I make appointments for the family, remind my husband etc. I plan birthday parties, meals/manage diets, pack lunch for my husband, make sure he has breakfast and things like that. I handle gifts for both of our families and the majority of our social plans. His work can be stressful so I definitely do try and make things as nice at home as they can be. If that means managing his ego then i guess i do lol. I guess I don't feel any resentment because I'm happy to do these things and I feel our 'work' is proportionate, but different because we're suited to different things. We need both of us doing what we're doing to keep things harmonious.
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I have to say, I think I definitely do the "wife work" as @Mamaof2: described it. I make the doctor appointments (for our son, not him), buy the new season of clothes for our son, remember birthdays, plan vacations, write thank you cards, etc. Not because my husband can't or doesn't want to, I think he literally does not think of it. However I don't resent it (well maybe sometimes the thank you cards).
All that being said, he does he majority of housework...I think I've mowed the lawn once, rarely cook dinner and never take out the trash or change the cat litter. Dishes, laundry etc are done equally.
I think in a happy relationship it all strikes a balance that the individual couple is ok with and there probably is not a one-size-fits-all solution.
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Hrm, if we're going on the planning aspect, I feel like my husband and I split it. I drive an electric car, I never remember to charge it, but my husband does. He plans the vacation, I think about what needs to be packed.
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I am totally in charge of this kind of stuff - "Did you get an anniversary card for your parents?" "We're going to so-and-so's for dinner, we need to bring wine." "Your cousin had a baby, we need to send a present." These things don't cross his mind. Once I remind him, he'll take care of actually sending the present, buying the card, etc. but he is never the one who thinks of it.
His family also is totally old school about this stuff too. His mom will just call me to see what food we're bringing for holiday meals. She never asks him. It makes me crazy.
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@lawbee11: this almost to a T.
I cook every night (unless we have takeout) because I enjoy it and it makes me happy, he grills on the weekends.
@Truth Bombs: exactly
bottom line, I think you enter into a marriage with expectations, they require discussions and solutions that fit you as a couple. I believe in partnership, love, support and loyalty to your significant other and that these should be reciprocated. The items, "work" etc. need not be equal but they need some sort of equity to be successful.
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@petitenoisette: I agree. I call it my mental bandwidth.
@JerricaBenton: yup this is us too. It's just kind of how our lives have ended up. It's working for everyone and we are all happy with the arrangement.
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I'm not a SAHM, I WOH part time, but I would say that I'm in more of the traditional household. I do all of the cleaning, and most of the meal planning and grocery shopping. We run errands together on the weekend. But I set up appointments. Although DH always knows when they are also.
He sets up dinners and stuff with his family, and I do my side.
Idk it works for us and we're both happy. -
This is the first time I've heard of "wifework", but I don't think the OP was advocating for it or agreeing with it since she put it in parentheses and sounds exhausted by it. Sounds like it's a general term synonymous with "emotional labor".
I googled "emotional labor" and found this interesting article by the guardian that seemed to break it down well - http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/08/women-gender-roles-sexism-emotional-labor-feminism - it extends beyond the emotional work done at home, but also addresses how it plays out in the workplace and all the other little aspects of our daily life.
"From remembering birthdays to offering service with a smile, life has a layer of daily responsibility that is hardly discussed – one which falls disproportionately on women. Finally confronting it could be a revolutionary step."
We are pretty evenly divided if talking about household chores and actual tasks, and my husband is an equal partner in raising our children and balancing the home, but I probably do 90% of the mental/emotional "wifework" - I am the one prepping for vacations, researching all the baby/toddler stuff, thinking ahead about dr's appointments, deciding what colors we should repaint our walls or what decor to put up, deciding gifts for both sides of the family, and so on and so forth... and he is happy just to go along with it all.
My mind is always going a million miles a minute... and his mind just doesn't naturally work that way. I am a total feminist, but also think it's okay to acknowledge that men and women have some key differences that make us who we are. He has his strengths, and I have mine.
Maybe she meant completely different than the blurb I found?? I think most subsequent posters were responding to that blurb. 
) I don't do things like manage DH's personal appointments. I don't find that this takes too heavy of a mental toll to keep track of or actually do (some of it can be automated), and don't mind coordinating it.
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