How is your emotional labor/"wifework" balance at the moment with your SO? Generally we have this to 60/40 which works for me since I am an SAHM and it naturally bleeds into that role. But recently we are moving and I find myself slipping more into that worrier role...which quickly turns into nagging role. Trying to calm my control freak side and do a little less worrying about everyone else.
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I think it's at 70% me to 30% him, but it's close to fair because the actual parenting, ie physical stuff, and household work are just about 50%-50%, even though DH works full time and I work part time (and go to school). I'm just better at remembering appointments, packing bags, paying bills, arranging get togethers etc. Meanwhile, he cooks dinner almost every night, does most of the laundry, etc.
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It's crap. I'm not even going to try to put a number on the ratio. It's really, really bad.
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I handle all the kid related appts- I sah and it makes sense that way. And to be fair, he handles what I guess you would call the "husband work"- he pays all the bills plus makes the money, he handles all the financial stuff, car stuff, household fixing things. In terms of actual hands on child care when he is home its maybe 60/40 or 70/30 (breastfeeding infant and major mommy preference toddler). Housework I do more of overall but he does more than me when we are both home. I think he is worried for my sanity and that's one area he can help.
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I'd say it's about 90% me/10% husband. I do all inside cleaning, outside yard work, laundry, most of the tasks associated with DD, garbage, taking care of pets, grocery shopping, paying bills. I like to get things done and he takes his time...which usually results in me just doing it. We both work full time.
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It's pretty bad. Maybe 70/30? It was awful when I was breastfeeding, but now that I'm not, it hasn't changed as much as I'd hoped. But it's definitely getting better, so I'll be patient as he learns - and he's willing to learn.
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What the hell is "wife work"?
ETA: if it's house work and kid minding, then it's a pretty fair division in part because we don't believe in terms like "wife work". It's all just work to divide and conquer.
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@yoursilverlining: Yeah, I have no idea what in the world wife work even means.
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@yoursilverlining: @coopsmama: I'm wondering what wifework is too!
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I had no idea what the term meant so I looked it up. It seems as though it is husband maintenance, is that right? If that is the case, what is there to split, exactly?
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@yoursilverlining: @looch: @ALV91711: @coopsmama: ditto to what wifework is. I assumed it was women giving labor and how the husband handles the emotional part of labor?? LOL I'm guessing not.
This is what I Found:
Wifework, "the care and maintenance of men's bodies, minds and egos" is a one-way street, says Maushart, something wives do for husbands at great cost to their mental and physical health, with minimal reciprocation. According to her, even fully employed wives do a disproportionate amount of housework, in addition to "child-care drudgework," "monitoring His physical well-being," "deferring to His agenda in day-to-day conversation," maintaining "His extended family relationships," etc. Maushart (The Mask of Motherhood) counters that he, in contrast, is merely a "volunteer" in the marriage; apart from providing an income, he's really only expected to "turn up" at family events. That such inequality endures at least in Maushart's view despite feminism and economic progress for women, is a question the author explores here. This Australian writer asserts that while men use various denial mechanisms to avoid wifework (like trivializing the importance of cleaning), what's worse is that most wives seem to collude in "maintaining positive illusions" about the inequality in their marriages. Her solution? Readers may expect a call for the end of marriage, but Maushart pleads for the interests of the children, for whom she says divorce is worse than living with marital discord. Instead, she advocates that couples relieve some wifework by assigning broad areas of responsibility (laundry, cooking, etc.) to husbands. And women should expect less, she says; they should realize that "marriage entails a sort of base level of unhappiness that couples need to learn to anticipate and accept." Though that's a downbeat ending for an often funny dissection of modern marriage, it is 100% honest like the rest of this smart and witty book.
http://www.amazon.com/Wifework-Marriage-Really-Means-Women/dp/B0000VZED2@Mrs. Sketchbook: please elaborate.
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@regberadaisy: Thank you for that. It seems that wifework includes everything in running your house plus taking care of the husband?
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I don't know what "wife work" is and I'm happy about that.
RBG said it best: "Women will have achieved true equality when men share with them the responsibility of bringing up the next generation."
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@lawbee11: WORD
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@lawbee11: haha, seriously!
The definition @regberadaisy: shared just made me LOL. Mind my husband's body, mind, and ego?? HAHAHAHA!
As for as actual WORK, it's pretty 50/50 in our household, and that includes childcare and house stuff. Although I tend to schedule and attend most appointments (I have every other Friday off, so it's just easier for me to do it). Everything else is an even split! We both work full time.
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@Adira: I was thinking the same thing when I read the definition @regberadaisy: shared. A giant LOL to that!
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When I need to decompress I just sort of opt out of stuff. My husband does a lot of the cooking and cleaning. I let some things go. I just don't care enough to kill myself in order to have a perfect home. I already have a stressful full time job. I prioritize down time, family time and time to socialize over housework.
I have gotten increasingly feminist since having a child. It just makes every issue much starker. I am very thankful that I held out and found a husband who is also feminist and willing to pitch in. But I don't think that anything else would have worked for me, to be blunt.
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@regberadaisy: using that definition...
We are 60/40. 60 me and 40 him. I'll just share two examples that really grate me when it comes to taking care of him.
I drop off and pick up dry cleaning. Why? Because drop off includes pre-paying and we always use my CC. Same account, but I don't think he knows where his physical card is and hasn't asked for a replacement. I pick up because apparently on his every other Friday off and Sat to pick up. He doesn't want to do to the small talk with owner, well neither do I.
I make his plate for every meal. He sometimes will make his own for a second helping; otherwise he waits for me like a puppy while I finish my plate. It's one of those things I did when we dated and didn't think it would turn into a lifetime thing, but it has. He doesn't open my car door for me anymore, but gets butt-hurt if I even look like I'm not going to make his plate.
Ugh, wifework!
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@regberadaisy:
at that definition.
I don't take care of DH's body (WTF??) and I think I do the normal stuff that a spouse does to take care of their husband's ego. I.e., "You look so nice today" or "You did really great with DS tonight".
Our household tries to overall be 50/50. And we don't keep score. But I definitely count incubating our next child as part of my 50% ;).
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That description of "wife work" makes me want to barf. I do manage more of the worry tasks - getting plans set, setting up appointments, etc. but it's probably more of a control thing - wanting to KNOW stuff is handled. DH handles anything that is related to his individual care and maintenance. Please!!! I don't have time to be his mother.
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@ShootingStar: love that...we do have an unfair advantage on baby incubation!
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Isn't taking care of the emotional needs of your partner essentially the basis of marriage? It's not wifework any more than it's husbandwork to be nice to your spouse and to SHARE all the responsibilities of raising a family and sharing a life together. If the writer believes that marriage entails a base level of unhappiness... she's doing it wrong. Also, the idea that "earning money" is husbandwork is super offensive.
Sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet reading a thread like this......
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@Truth Bombs: Yeah, I had the same "on another planet" reaction. This is no way matches my idea of marriage or relationships. It's like the author is speaking another language.
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I generally make up his plate too, because I do most of the cooking. So instead of dirtying more dishes by using serving bowls, I generally plate both of us at the stove/oven and bring them over. DH does all of the kitchen cleaning, so it's not like it's not an even division of labor.
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I generally plate T's food too, but mainly because we have a small area next to the stove and I don't want more than just me there or it gets crowded.
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I've never heard the term before.... I take care of my husband's emotional well being. He takes care of mine. That's love. That's not "wife work." The idea that I'm taking care of my husband at the expense of myself is ridiculous. He would never stand for that.
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@ShootingStar: ha! My husband doesn't clean up the kitchen and heaven forbid my precious bump rests on the cabinet while washing dishes.
@avivoca: I don't like DH in the kitchen either while I'm cooking because he's in the way slowing me down. I just resent sometimes that when I plate his food he doesn't come when called. The least he could do is come to dinner when I ask since I like to eat my food hot. Now I start w/o him sometimes.
I feel obligated to plate guest's food because I do it for him. My mom didn't do this with my father, so I don't really know the protocol. What do you all do?
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yeah, that would bother me too! My FIL doesn't plate his own food and when he's done, he sets his plate to the side of the sink (instead of rinsing it/putting it in the dishwasher). I HATE seeing him do that. It's so annoying. I put a stop to that nonsense real quick at the start of marriage. I also made it known that he would not be getting a hot breakfast from me every morning (his dad cooked him a hot breakfast every morning from age 12 to current when we are there).
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@avivoca: @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: My dad doesn't even clear his plate from the table
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@Truth Bombs: That was my first reaction, too. Isn't this just marriage? Taking care of each other, looking to each other's emotions, etc. At least that's what MY ideal marriage looks like and it's what our marriage has been.
The whole idea of wife-work is super disgusting. And I saw that as a mom who SAH (because I want to) and does most tasks around the house, most planning, most organization, etc. as a function of that. But seriously - I know he's got my back and I've got his and we work as a team. Team work. Not wife work.
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For those of you that object to the term "wifework", can I ask some questions?
-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?
-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
I had an amazing conversation about this with my local mom group--but we were referring to an article about "household manager" duties. What was interesting to me, was that I came away from that conversation feeling grateful that my husband and I have a more equitable split of duties than almost any married couple I know. But then I realized just how insane it it that I am "grateful" to have someone that does as much as I do of these things.
It was all very enlightening.
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That definition of "wife work" had me shaking my head. I am honestly confused right now
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I think the definition of wifework posted by @regberadaisy: isn't something that the author is advocating for, just unfortunate patterns that husbands and wives still fall into, even if they claim to desire/possess equal distribution of labor.
Sometimes I think of the "mental space" that running my household takes up in my head and the fact that I don't think my husband is aware of it nor does he realize that just because he has his own tasks, it does not mean that we are dividing the household labor down the middle. He is not a baby, nor am I his mother and I don't feel like it, but I still definitely do take care of him in ways that he does not take care of me. Like for years now I've been asking him to go to the doctor for a check-up. I am not going to call and make an appointment for him, so it never happens, but whenever I bring it up he's like I forgot. It does not occupy any mental space for him. I am the one worrying about it. @Anagram: Everything you mention, bingo. Yes the term "wifework" is a pretty off-putting way to describe it, but this obviously exists in a big way.
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I plate my husband's food if it's something that actually requires plating and I think he might screw it up
I know what you mean about coming when called for dinner, I get snippy if he basically doesn't come immediately because I feel like it's the least he can do when I've cooked for him. I can see that it would be hard to tell your DH that you've had enough though!
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I guess if there's wife work, then there's husband work? Right?! Haha. To me it's really just doing stuff for each other that the other person is not good at. I do a lot of stuff to"take care" of him, but he does too!
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@avivoca: DH's mom made him a hot breakfast every morning during the school week. I couldn't believe it. Thankfully he doesn't expect that from me. This morning we actually did have something hot, but it was because I wanted breakfast and he hadn't left for work yet. I *think* he expects me to make hot breakfast for our LO. I grew up on cereal and toast in the car if we were running late. Our LO can manage with that too!
@Pancakes: clearing the plates doesn't bother me. We usually eat off of paper plates so it's a quick discard. What does bother me is when he uses bowls and doesn't rinse or soak them and blames me. I don't eat soup nearly as much as him!
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@Anagram: To answer your questions...
-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
Never once have I done this for him. He's a grown up.-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
Yes, they're in a shared google calendar.-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?
Nope, they're my responsibility.-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
Absolutely. His family, his problem.-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
No, I take care of my family's side of things.-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
No, but we meal plan together, so no one would really be "in charge" -
I'm surprised by so many people who are surprised by this! I have many female friends who struggle with resentment b/c things feel out of balance in their household. Or they make lots of "silly men" type of comments during group conversations, which I think goes along with the author's concern about maintaining positive illusions. It isn't hard for me to believe this author is pulling from a big base of stats to back up her claim that many women are unhappy in their marriages due to what she calls "wifework."
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@Anagram: Interesting questions! I don't make any of DHs appointments or remind him of any. Only time I interjected in his medical was to comment on an irregular mole on his back he couldn't see. He pretty much takes care of his sides gifts and holidays except when his sister reaches out directly to me. He doesn't remind me of my appointments, with the exception of my first month postpartum when I was a mess. He is aware of dietary restrictions when we have company. Unless there is extenuating circumstances we both go to all of LOs appointments (we've each missed 2). I do check dates with him for my appointments when it involves having him drive me due to sedation.
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@Anagram: I think it's all about expectations. I don't think that just because women typically do more of something that it should be considered "wifework" generally. I know plenty of women who cook every night because they enjoy it. I'm not on board with an expectation that women should cook every night. DH and I both dislike cooking so we take turns. If there was an expectation that I cook because I'm the woman, then that would be an issue. I don't make DH's doctor's appointments for him but I do buy gifts for both of our families because I enjoy buying gifts and DH hates it. I also do all of our budgeting and financial stuff because I enjoy that as well. I think it's all about each of you being responsible for the stuff you enjoy and splitting up (or outsourcing) the rest.
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@Anagram: To answer your questions:
-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
Dentist, yes! Because they have my phone number for everyone in the house, so I get text reminders. But they have HIS e-mail, so he gets e-mail reminders and will remind me of my appointments too.-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
Yep, though I'm the one that usually schedules them and takes them, but that's because I have every other Friday off and he does not, so I don't have to use vacation time for them. If our roles were reversed, he'd be taking them to the appointments.-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?
Dentist! See above about our mixed up contact info at the dentist's office.-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
Ish - in the sense that he just doesn't get his family anything - they aren't big gift givers, so whatever floats their boat! Not my problem.-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
Nope, and I wouldn't expect him to.-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
This is such a bizarre question to me. No one is "in charge" of dietary changes/restrictions in our house. One kid is allergic to milk and the other to peanuts. We're both very conscientious about the types of things we can buy and eat around both kids. He actually tends to be MORE conscious than I am. When I was pregnant, I'd forget that certain things were off-limit and he'd remind me.I think people object to the idea that something is someone's responsibility just because they are the "wife" or the "husband." The idea that my husband should be handling our money or paying the bills is laughable to me. I'm the one that does that because I'm the one that WANTS to do it! The idea that if the kids are sick, I'm the one that should stay home with them - NOPE. We take turns. When I was nursing, sure, I'd stay home more because then I could nurse instead of pump for the day. But now that I'm not, we take turns.
I think ideally a marriage is working well as a team. If someone is better at something, maybe they do that (like handling finances). If they are both bad at something, maybe they take turns doing it or do it together. Or hire someone else to do it, haha. We complement each other and work together and we split the jobs down the middle so that we're both contributing equally to our home and family and each other.
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@lawbee11: exactly!
I think the expectation surrounding these questions is really key, rather than ensuring itās a totally 50/50 split or something. Do you/does your partner *expect* the wife to do all of these things because it is āwife workā, or because itās āless importantā work which therefore falls to the female? Is the expectation that females all like to do these types of things because they are women and so automatically better at housework, more organized, more nurturing? If a man *expected* me to do these things because Iām his wife ā GTFO with that nonsense. If I cook more because I love cooking, thatās cool and an uneven split isnāt actually inequality in our marriage/house.-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
No.-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
Yes, we both calendar them and 95% of the time both attend appointments.-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?
No.-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
He does all the remembering, I often buy the gifts (Iām a better gift-picker and like it more), unless itās an Amazon/online order and then he will likely take care of it if he has a gift idea.-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
Same as above.-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
No one is āin chargeā. We both cook, we both clean (though DH does a lot more of the dishes than I, itās one of his ways to wind down at night) and when weāve had to talk about diet changes we talk about what we like and how to keep eating what we like with new restrictions.
I know what you mean about coming when called for dinner, I get snippy if he basically doesn't come immediately because I feel like it's the least he can do when I've cooked for him. I can see that it would be hard to tell your DH that you've had enough though!
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