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Overall I think my husband and I have a pretty good split on things. We both handle our own medical appointments. We both go to our son's medical appointments except two that my husband has attended alone. At daycare one drops off and the other picks up. I am often better about getting gifts when needed. He is often better and calling extended family members (on both sides) on a regular basis. I make grocery lists and he does the shopping. He is much better about keeping us on a healthy diet. We both cook. We hire out cleaning and lawn mowing. We both take trash to the bin but he takes the trash to the curb once a week. He keeps up with car maintenance. I do most household repairs. I generally plan vacations but he has stepped in when I was too busy. He does taxes and pays bills. We also both work full time.
The only real bone of contention right now is schedules. He isn't very good at keeping schedules in his head, checking a calendar or remembering that we need to plan things in advance. We're working on that.
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-Do you ever remind your husband that he needs doctor's visits or dental visits, or do you make those appointments for him?
Yes and Yes.-does he know when the kids' appointments are and when they will need them next?
Yes and Yes-Does he remind you about your appointments (dental, OBGYN, yearly physical or make those appointments for you?
No and No-Does he take care of gift giving and "remembering" birthdays/coordinating gifts events on his side of the family?
He will tell me upcoming birthdays; I do the gift coordinating.-does he take care of gift giving and remembering birthdays/coordinating events on your side of the family?
Nope I take care of all of it-Does your husband take charge of any needed dietary changes in the house (say, MSPI issues, or Cholesterol or blood pressure issues)?
Yes b/c he cooks 100%. When I had GD he tailored a diet for meDo you mow the lawn or other outside chores?
Nope; all DHWho takes the trash bags out and the bins to the street?
DH!Who manages the household repairs? Car Repairs?
DH! -
I can't say I know what DH is thinking... or what his brain muses about when it catches an idle moment. I can say for sure that I'm not the only one doing the mental prep. Mostly we're on the same page when we take the mental lists and bring them forward to each other, sometimes we're not and then we work it through. I know DH lays awake some nights in worry, thinking about LO, what lies ahead, and whether or not we're doing parenting right.
If wifework is all the largest/smallest of things that are done to keep the family unit happy and content that no one really remembers after the moments have passed, he's definitely on that wavelength.
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Wow this thread really blew up in my absence! Haven't read all the posts but wifework is a gender theory term that applies to the emotional work that is usually relegated to wives. So it isn't a term that is advocating for women to do the work, but calling attention to the disparity.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: I'm not sure this audience is especially receptive to that conversation, unfortunately.
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@regberadaisy: haha just seeing this...there's a book called wifework that details the phenomenon of wives keeping the emotional home going. It is a feminist book! She just coined the term to point out the disparity. A less tongue in cheek phrase is emotional labor. I am the SAHM so I do end up doing more than half...but intentionally try to reduce that as much as possible because I hate it. Example, DH got all the Easter basket stuff this year! A first for us.
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@T.H.O.U.: it is the title of a feminist oriented book on the subject, so when the concept blew up people adopted her terminology.
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@sarac: haha! I just feel bad because I thought everyone knew the term was intentionally provocative! I actually have the book in my Amazon list to read eventually. Once my kids are grown lol.
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@coopsmama: I think it can go both ways and be functional. The reality is that any one person can do all the tasks they need to do to survive. If our spouses were single they would send their own birthday cards to relatives. In marriage you can split those tasks. But in my opinion women and men tend to resent it when the other puts emotional labor onto them (her: "he expect me to buy his mother's mothers day present!" Him: "as soon as I walk in the door she starts in complaining about the kids and asking to vent!"). I personally am trying to root out those resentments in my marriage so we attempt an even split. I don't buy gifts or plan things for his family get togethers, for example. I also try not to use him as a venting board. Other people will do it differently but for us a greater measure of separation works best.
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Interesting thread! And @Mrs. Sketchbook: I hadn't heard of this term before, but it's a good one to know. I think it summarizes some things that have bugged me but that I haven't been able to think through clearly on my own.
I do more of this kind of mental work, but I think it is as much my doing as DH’s. That is, I feel a subconscious drive to do it, I like things done my own way, and it’s hard to let those responsibilities go. So I feel aware enough of it to resent it but not enough to change it!
I have been working on consciously sharing more of this work, though, and I think DH has been great about taking on more of this responsibility.
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If I'm thinking of mental strain, I probably have more, but that's probably because I care more. And I would bet that's true of many people. You say if the wife didn't sent a birthday card, the husband would, but I don't know that that is true. I think there are some social niceties that just aren't appreciated by some people, men especially.
In my relationship, I do more researching, thinking ahead, planning and remembering our calendar. He does more keeping in touch with relatives on both sides (I don't like talking on the phone), encouraging us to be healthy and remembering regular chores (trash, bills, oil, etc). Neither of us is very good about birthdays or gifts.
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@JenGirl: I agree that women care more about birthday cards...but is that culture or nature? Furthermore if it is his relative, why should I care about it at all (not my family)? I don't mean to sound callous. I'll give an example to illustrate my point. I used to get all the gifts and then be mad when people didn't appreciate all the effort I put in (especially MIL and SIL). Eventually I realized that they can't appreciate my effort. So now my husband buys for his family and ironically now they do appreciate the gesture because they know it actually comes from him, not just his name on the card. Win win. Women tend to take over emotional tasks to everybody's detriment. I like planning birthday parties etc but the amount of stress this puts on the family vs. me just changing my expectations and delegating has personally saved my marriage from ruin! But that's me. Not everyone. I also notice a lot of older women continue to do people's emotional labor when they really don't need to (meddling moms) so I try to curb this now so I don't have to break the habit later).
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@Ms maths: I identify as an overfunctioner to the point that when I start mentally planning sometimes I just lay down or force myself to do something else before my mind spins out of control....mental rumination is a severe problem for me!
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Maybe it's just my husband's family? I certainly never buy them cards or gifts but neither does he. So they just never get anything for birthdays except a call. Nobody seems to mind. But they aren't really gift people.
Another example: I'm researching car seats. My husband would just pick one that fit and be done with it. It's me that wants to do all the research and be sure we're getting the "best" one. So I am the one creating that work. He's not going to do it, because he doesn't value it. And if it never got done, it would be fine. But I still want to do it. So I do.
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@JenGirl: I think if it works for you, it works for you ...period! For me, I was starting to feel like every decision was a car seat decision. Whether babt gear or holidays or vacation or chores, all had to be "the best" and conform to a set of expectations that was half me, half pressure I felt from others (typically other women). Learning to delegate to my husband and defer to second best/good enough really improved my marriage because we had a lot of conflict over this stuff. And the constant mental running monologue was crippling me. And it prevented me from relaxing during my down time and frankly, negatively affected my sex drive because i could never get out of my head and in the moment. Which frustrated DH. But again, that is me! Not everyone is so afflicted by this surely!
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