Word vomit? Pregnancy anxiety?

By Sams Mom Aug 6, 2019

Ok, so we were team green with our son. We would like to be team green again with this baby.

But here is my hold up...

I have had recurrent nightmares the last couple weeks that my husband dies in the line of duty when I'm about 7 months pregnant. He ends up never knowing what/who his last child is...

It is consuming me when it comes to mind. Like it's not debilitating, but it brings the chances of a LODD to the forefront. He's been through 1 shooting, and the anniversary is months off, so I don't think that is the trigger to this.

I would love to wait to find out, I'm just low key stressing.

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8 comments

SweetCaroline
pear / 1718 posts

Aug 6, 2019

@Sams Mom: oh man, that's rough. My husband is in a line of work where I take every goodbye seriously, so I feel you here. If it were me, I would find out to quell my anxiety. BUT I was not Team Green with #1 and will not in the future, so I'm bias

With my second pregnancy, I was waiting for DD to go to bed to show DH the but he got called to work. So, I brought him the test before he left because I knew I would be a ball of anxiety all night and would hate myself if something happened and he never got to know I was pregnant.

How's that for a word vomit response?
SweetCaroline
pear / 1718 posts

Aug 6, 2019

stinking HB duplicate posting on me
Kaohinani
grapefruit / 4144 posts

Aug 6, 2019

@Sams Mom: Sweetheart, I REALLY think your anxiety is centered on that one [horrible] experience he had and everything you (as a family) had to endure. It was both emotionally difficult and physically rough on you. As a spouse who has to suffer through similar (albeit different) experiences than I as a military spouse and kin [my sister] to a cop, I can empathize and sympathize with all of your anxiety. If you and DH have agreed that your #2 will be green, then follow suit; however, if there is ANY ambiguity (and it will put either of your minds at ease), find out the sex. You had your green baby (* and he is the cutest and most funny lil one! ) so I think you need to further discuss with DH. FWIW, I really "feel" it is a girl (*I haven't been wrong with mine or 3 or my friends) but who knows - 50/50, mama.
karenbme
persimmon / 1419 posts

Aug 6, 2019

Oh, honey. This is so hard. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this sort of anxiety. Do you think that finding out would help your anxiety? As others have said, it sounds like the anxiety may be more related to his dangerous work and what sounds like a really horrible situation for your family. Have you talked to him about it? I’ve had a ton of anxiety with this pregnancy and talking it through with DH has helped a lot, just to get it off my chest. And then the two of you can decide together if you want to stay team green or not. You don’t have to put it all on yourself.

Also, just because you know doesn’t mean you need to buy into the gender stereotypes (or even tell anyone if you don’t want to). I’m team pink, but 80% of the clothes on my registry are labeled as boys clothes.

Good luck, mama. I really hope your nightmares get better either way.
graceandjoy
pear / 1565 posts

Aug 7, 2019

That is so hard, I'm sorry you are burdened with this!

I have no advice; but I def think if this doesn't stop, your mental/physical health would be more important than not finding out. Just want to see you have a happy and healthy 9 months and not having to have so much anxiety over this!
Sams Mom
grapefruit / 4492 posts

Aug 7, 2019

Thank you everyone. I actually started back on Zoloft yesterday (was on it for PPA) because I was feeling a little spirally at times.

I've spoke a little bit about it with him, but not super in depth. We have time to talk, for the Zoloft to kick in, and before my anatomy scan.
karenbme
persimmon / 1419 posts

Aug 7, 2019

@Sams Mom: Good to hear you’re taking steps for your mental health. I hope some combination of prescriptions/talking (either to your DH or a therapist) makes you sleep better. I’ll be thinking of you. ️
yellowbeach
nectarine / 2648 posts

Aug 7, 2019

I have thoughts like this all the time - I think when you and/or your spouse are in a job where death and danger are involved, and you see how fast words can change, and change every day, it's normal to have thoughts like this. I'm having them about DD these days. Had 2 drownings this summer at work, and all I dream about is DD drowning at my parents' house. Even when we aren't there visiting.

This feels like a totally rational thought I would have, too. Even though it's very unlikely - when you get struck by lightning, although super rare in the first place, you aren't unreasonable to fear getting struck again.

I say discuss it openly and directly with DH. What's fueling your decision to be team green (past and current)? Is that you, him, both... and how much does any of that change if you find out the same news, just earlier? I agree with @SweetCaroline - I was Team Pink, too - so can't fully appreciate the team green experience, FWIW.

Glad you are on the zoloft and headed a good direction

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Word vomit? Pregnancy anxiety?

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