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WWYD: keep a special needs child?

Spin off of this developing story...http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/couple-leaves-behind-down-syndrome-child-for-surrogate-to-keep#post-1798397

If you could abandon (and get away with) not keeping/raising/ supporting financially a baby of yours with special needs born to a surrogate would you? I hadn't thought of parents having a choice in situations like this, but apparently everything in life is a choice.

  • poll: WWYD with your surrogate carried & born special needs baby?
    Keep the baby to raise : (101 votes)
    92 %
    Keep the baby, but seek adoptive parents : (6 votes)
    5 %
    Abandon the baby (surrogate/hospital) : (3 votes)
    3 %
  1. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    It's not an easy road, to raise a child with special needs, but my parents rose to the situation and they are quite frankly, my parenting heros.

  2. Ash

    honeydew / 7909 posts

    The surrogate is doing you a favor by carrying your baby. Wtf would you leave the baby for her? It's your baby! Grrrrr.

  3. stargal

    pomegranate / 3890 posts

    Keep the baby without a doubt. Love them more then possible because they need it and how could you not?!?

  4. Bao

    GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22276 posts

    Keep the baby, it's still your child. That is ridiculous to even consider abandoning him/her like that.

  5. Synchronicity

    grapefruit / 4089 posts

    @looch: this exactly.

  6. hotchildinthecity

    nectarine / 2272 posts

    This story infuriated me, especially given that i'm adopting a special needs child. Of course i would keep him/her.

  7. mrbee

    admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

    Personally, I would keep a special needs child.

    But I was under the impression that the bio parents possibly requested to terminate the special needs pregnancy but the surrogate refused to go through with the procedure? If that's true, then that situation is pretty complex and ideally would have been discussed and agreed upon beforehand by both parties!

  8. Running Elley

    coconut / 8681 posts

    I would keep the baby.

  9. MsLipGloss

    GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts

    I find this thread to be in extremely poor taste given the circumstances of one of our community members.

  10. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @mrbee: Yeah, the whole story is sketchy. One of the articles I read said the agency knew about the downs baby months earlier than the surrogate - how is that even possible? And then they asked her to terminate him when she was already 7 months along. There are parts of this story that don't make sense.

  11. Boheme

    papaya / 10473 posts

    @MsLipGloss: Co-sign.

  12. lawbee11

    GOLD / watermelon / 14076 posts

    @MsLipGloss: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

  13. littlek

    GOLD / squash / 13576 posts

    @MsLipGloss: agree.

  14. NovBaby1112

    grapefruit / 4066 posts

    @MsLipGloss: agreed

  15. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @MsLipGloss: @grizz: @NovBaby1112: @littlek: @lawbee11: will one of you kindly wall me as I don't read every post and not sure which member this would post would hurt.

  16. Littlebit

    nectarine / 2932 posts

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: walled you!

  17. avivoca

    watermelon / 14467 posts

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Walled you as well.

  18. hotchildinthecity

    nectarine / 2272 posts

    @mrbee: i did not know that part of the story and that does add an interesting layer.

  19. mrsjyw

    GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts

    @mrbee: I read that the agency knew earlier and the surrogate wasn't told until 7 months for a late term termination...

  20. mediagirl

    hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts

    @mrsjyw: which is crazy!! I might have missed it but did the article say when the parents of the twins knew about it?

  21. mrsjyw

    GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts

    @mediagirl: I've read different accounts. One that said the parents knew (along with the agency at 4 months).

    In the most recent article, AU couple is claiming that they didn't even know about the boy. That they were only told that the surrogate had a singleton girl. They also said they had a traumatizing experience with the agency...

  22. 78h2o

    grapefruit / 4441 posts

    @mediagirl: I think it said 4-5 months. The articles I read were confusing though... some made it sound like one or both of the parents didn't know about the 2nd child. I can't believe their aren't better laws in place. I didn't even realize cross-border serrogacy existed... it sounds like a recipe for exploitation.

  23. pui

    bananas / 9899 posts

    I would definitely keep the baby. Raising a child with special needs isn't easy or ideal, but expecting life to be easy and ideal is a fallacy. I greatly admire parents of special needs children. This child (a human being) deserves to be loved by his/her parents the same way a "regular" child does.

    At the age of 5 your child could be in an accident that causes brain damage... you wouldn't give up that child, would you? My sister (with borderline personality disorder) was a NIGHTMARE during her teenage years and my parents didn't (and still haven't) abandoned her just because she was/is extra hard to deal with (and trust me, it's hard). Just because you know at birth that raising the child will be harder, it doesn't seem right to give up on that child, imo anyway.

  24. mrsjyw

    GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts

    I would keep our baby. It is OUR baby, beautifully and wonderfully made.

  25. spaniellove

    honeydew / 7916 posts

    @MsLipGloss: Agree.

    And as someone struggling to raise a newborn with special needs along with many other health issues I've asked myself many times what I would have done if I'd known about this earlier. It's a tough question. I love him intensely and would give the world for him but you don't know what you'd do until you've been there.

  26. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    Thanks to Littlebit and Avivoca, I now understand how this thread rubs some of you the wrong way. Hurting anyone's feelings was not my intention. This thread was not inspired by the other user's situation as I was not even aware of it when I created this thread.

    Initially, I decided to keep the thread open for comments because this was a spinoff of a timely news story and the question I posed does not just focus on one type of special needs. However, MsLipGloss has deemed this thread as horrific and asked that I close it. Since, I have no skin in the game I'd rather close it than cause further harm to anyone who comes across it.

  27. MamaMoose

    GOLD / squash / 13464 posts

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: first of all, I know for a fact that you are misquoting what MsLipgloss said. Second of all, it was inappropriate and unnecessary for you to call her out for asking you to do something to protect the feelings of a valued member of this community. While hurting feelings may not have been your intention, this thread is clearly broaching on a very sensitive topic that directly affects at least two people I can think of in the very recent history.

  28. SugarplumsMom

    bananas / 9227 posts

    Definitely keep. I would not be able to live with myself if we ever abandoned our child. This is the kind of thing that needed to be agreed upon before it happens - surely this isn't the very first.

  29. swedishfish

    GOLD / coconut / 8266 posts

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I had a CVS done today to test for chromosomal abnormalities, specifically Down Syndrome. I have been a wreck for a week since my nuchal translucency. This is truly a situation that NO ONE understands until they've been through it.

    I appreciate everyone sticking up for me and anyone else who's going through a similar situation.

  30. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @MamaMoose: calling her out? I'm giving her credit. I value MsLipGloss' opinion and that is why there is a 20 minute old request to close this thread sitting in the Help section.

    @swedishfish: I was made aware of your nuchal translucency thread a little while ago. I had to look up the term to see how this thread was related to yours. Please know that this thread was in no way created to exacerbate your situation.

  31. lawbee11

    GOLD / watermelon / 14076 posts

    @swedishfish: We got yo back, girl I'm not even going to pretend I understand what you're going through or what I'd do in a similar situation. So many ((hugs)) to you!

  32. blackbird

    wonderful grape / 20453 posts

    This thread sucks.

    eta: just sends my spidey senses tingling. me no like.

  33. .twist.

    pineapple / 12802 posts

    @blackbird: You said that much nicer than I was going to.... lol....

  34. hotchildinthecity

    nectarine / 2272 posts

    I had no idea of anyone's situations. Sorry for commenting!

  35. Madison43

    persimmon / 1483 posts

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I think this thread probably went to a (very sensitive) place that you didn't intend. Maybe the better conversation, and more intended, conversation is how to handle the rights of a parent v surrogate when there is a difference of opinion as to the child, whether it's a health or custody issue. Just a thought.

  36. looch

    wonderful pear / 26210 posts

    I don't think anyone should be made to feel badly for commenting in this thread. I am proud to have my brother, he's taught me a lot of things that I never would have had a chance to know. My mother has been invaluable in dealing with my son's oral motor issues, given that she's been dealing with therapists for more than 30 years now.

    No one should take it to mean that I do not support anyone else that chose differently, no one.

  37. sorrycharlie

    hostess / watermelon / 14932 posts

    Mr. Bee is still on vaca with limited internet access, so it may take him awhile to see the request. They're also in a totally different time zone!

    In the meantime, maybe everyone can agree to maybe just halt commenting for the time being til Mr. Bee can close it. I don't think anyone had cruel intentions, and the OP has apologized.

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