-
@Greentea: I'm sorry about your disappointment. I can't imagine how it feels to have your mom pretty much ignore you.
My husband is in a similar boat to you. His mom and dad divorced when he was in high school, but before that his dad only cared about going to the casino and gambling all of their money away. Once they finally got divorced, he moved across the state to live with his mom. he never came back to watch any sporting events or anything. He basically just left and blamed his lack of finances on everything. Now, he is still living with his mom and dating a woman who has young children. He only seems to care about his new family (he uses that term). He actually almost didn't come to our wedding because we didn't invite his girlfriends kids! (they had only been dating 6 months and we never met the kids) now that he has a grandchild he is barely around. He acts like she is his world on Facebook, but then has only come around to see her 3 times (she's 7.5 months). Hubby's mom who lives across the country has seen DD more than he has and he lives 2.5 hours away! He also is constantly asking us for money! I mean come on! We have a baby! We don't have any money!
All in all, I'm sorry you are dealing with a crappy parent. It sucks. It especially sucks for those people who care about you to watch how much it hurts you!
-
@loveisstrange: @Mrs. Sketchbook:
Oh my gosh, I just started reading about NPD and she TOTALLY is! Like textbook. Very interesting, thank you so much.
-
@schubr03: thanks so much. Ugh "new family" is so obnoxious! My mom changed her name (for the zillionth time) and calls herself, her newest husband, and her newest child "the newname family." I am sorry your husband's dad is behaving like that, it sounds like par for his course as well. Thanks for the reminder of how much this all hurts DH. It makes him really upset and I know he often just wonders why I bother.
-
@Greentea:
thanks for this thread - it stinks to be in this situation but it's nice knowing that we're not aloneI also don't have anyone IRL to relate to and every time I read those shared on social media stories about how 'you'll be closer to your mother when you have a baby' - nope.
-
@Greentea: I remember being so shocked how textbook my IL's were. If you're looking for additional resources, I've found Out of the Fog (they have a website, forum and book) to be infinitely helpful as we navigate how to set boundaries.
-
@Greentea: I've done tons of reading about NPD this pat year and it has helped to clarify that I'm not crazy! Especially since gas lighting is so much a part of their Tactics. I just checked out the book suggested earlier in this thread. I'll share anything helpful that comes along as I'm reading!
-
@rachiecakes: having a baby is what started me down the path of cutting ties with mine! Even though DH has witnessed my mom for 5 years now and he mostly understands, it's still hard for him to fully grasp what it's like having grown up in that situation and why it's hard for me to do some of the things he thinks I should do.
-
@Mrs. Sketchbook: It's funny you know, I don't think that my mom actually is a narcissist, I think she's just selfish and stubborn and has some anger issues, but my MIL is totally textbook narcissist. She is just off the charts difficult to deal with. We will forever live a long ways away from her, and are officially low contact.
-
@Greentea: I have a gold thread talking about cutting a toxic relationship out of my life from about 8 months ago. I had cut my mother out 8 months ago. While she wasn't a disappointing parent, she was a toxic one. It took her 6 months to realize what she had been doing to me all these years. She has since apologized to me, and we still have an extremely strained relationship, but I'm allowing her back into my life on my terms.
I think what others are saying is true. You can't change someone who has a narcissistic personality. You CAN change how you react to that personality and the relationship. I couldn't understand why she continued to treat me poorly. In reality, it's because I allowed it to happen for so long. Once I took a stand against it and started reacting differently, I changed my expectations. I know she's never going to change, and I've finally come to terms with that. I know it's extremely hard, because she's your mom, but not everyone has a good relationship with their mom.
If you need any support, please feel free to PM me. Standing up to my mom was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Ultimately, it was the most liberating thing I've ever done. Lots of hugs to you.
-
@Greentea: I'm glad that helped you! I tend to like to label things, so thinking of it that way really helped speed up my healing. Like, if I just think of my mother as a normal person, it is possible for me slip up and expect something of her. If I think of her as having an illness/deficiency, I can maintain healthy expectations. Because I have zero expectations of my mother, I haven't had to cut her out of my life (although I also maintain pretty stringent boundaries).
@Rockies11: Kinda sounds like me! Haha, but really I think everyone is on the spectrum. I think everyone can act narcisstically, and in fact it is healthy to have high self regard to a point. To me, as an untrained non-psychologist who is talking totally out of my butt, someone is truly NPD when they can't experience empathy or do something for another person without gaming the experience for their benefit. A small example. My mother was abusive and neglectful to me, but with my kids she is great. Still, she wants to know how they liked their gifts, every card, etc., and can be very obsessive. She isn't abusive toward them but she still wants to know how she is seen in their eyes. So even in small interactions my mother's NPD is on display. My MIL is kinda like your mom. She isn't NPD but her mother was extremely mentally ill and neglected her as a child. As a result of the neglect, she overfocuses on her kids to the point that she actually becomes narcissistic in her clinginess, neediness, and high standards. Her kids are afraid to disappoint her. It is scary to see her repeat the same patterns even though on the surface she would say that she isn't.
-
@Mrs. Sketchbook: The biggest fear in my life is becoming my mother and repeating the same patterns with my children. I feel sad for your MIL that, in her attempts to do the exact opposite, she creates the very thing she is afraid of.
Oh my gosh, I just started reading about NPD and she TOTALLY is! Like textbook. Very interesting, thank you so much.
thanks for this thread - it stinks to be in this situation but it's nice knowing that we're not alone
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite1
50 comments