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@Anonymous B UP: I’m sorry that sounds really frustrating. Is there anything about your house they may be avoiding (pets, smoking, fragrance)?

Ugh this is not fun. My in-laws live 15 minutes away and do not visit all that often, mostly because we both WOH FT. Most of the time I appreciate that they give us space and respect our schedules. However, I get annoyed when they passively mention that they have not seen DD in some time. My response is usually "They know where we live." I usually make an effort to invite them out to the house for a low-key meal after that.

Recently, we had to create a boundary on our weeknights because they would want to celebrate family birthdays, etc. on a weeknight at their house. We partook for the first 3 years of DD's life, but we just couldn't do it any more because DD would get to bed late and the next morning would be miserable. We are routine driven and it was too much of a disruption. Since we set that boundary, I feel so much better. They now know that we would love to celebrate with them, but if they must celebrate on a weeknight we will not be able to attend.

I tell you this because I wonder what similar boundary you could set with your in-laws. Are there X number of times that you and your husband are happy to visit them a year? After you plan those visits, you may just have to let it lie. In what capacity do you want them to come visit you? Could you arrange for a monthly dinner at your house? Has your husband ever point blank asked them why they do not want to visit? My dad's parents were a lot like this and I think it worked best once my mom understood how unimportant it was to my dad and backed off. Sure, my dad's feelings were hurt that his mom favored his brother, but at the end of the day he didn't want to have to work that hard to spend time with her.

I would take some serious offense at them allowing your SIL to intervene in their relationship with you. And I would put in as much effort as I'm willing, and no more. It is not on you to make up for your SIL's attitude/intolerance/whatever.

My MIL is pretty demanding about us visiting her and I have put my foot down over the past few years so that we visit her less. We have two full time jobs, a preschooler, two cats, and now twins on the way. I am not spending a full day every weekend or every other weekend at my MIL's. 50% or even 25% of our downtime as a family is not up for grabs, especially since she always makes it all about what she wants/expects and my husband falls for it hook line and sinker. No matter how long we visit, it's not long enough and she pouts when we leave. I'm over it.

How does your DH feel about all of this?

The sister sounds needy and demanding. What is her relationship like with her brother (your husband)? I mean, if she has such a problem with you two would he even want to be around her as well? I would take my husband’s lead on how disappointed to feel; however, I would discuss how the plans falling through effect you and how much more you’re willing to tolerate. Perhaps he should go visit his parents alone. Not as much now, but I have done some major eye rolling when it comes to my MIL. Admittedly, I still don’t get her (the situation) sometimes, but I can insulate myself from some of the grief and inconvenience.

@ShootingStar: Totally agree: "Ultimately though, I can’t fix their relationship and I can’t make it more like what I have with my parents."

Clearly, your SIL is holding your ILs hostage. But I think it's up to your DH to make his wants and needs known to his parents in a clear way. He should have an actual discussion with them, or maybe write them an explanatory email or letter if he doesn't feel comfortable confronting them. Maybe the ILs don't perceive that this is going on? After that, I agree with @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: to take your DH's lead. If the ILs can't or won't put more effort into your family, there's not much else you can do, and I wouldn't waste a lot of energy or time on people who are not interested in cultivating a relationship. Life is too short.

Why doesn't SIL like you guys? This seems like a bizarre situation! I'd probably just put it in your husbands hands - maybe you can do a set monthly visit to his parents? My in-laws live 30 minutes away and we see them about once a month (more around holidays/birthday) and sometimes less during busy seasons. Honestly once a month is fine by me - I don't want to spend every weekend with them!

@Anonymous B UP: Welcome to hellobee! First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with all this family drama when it sounds like you've been way more than accommodating. I was just wondering, do either you or your SIL have children? I don't think I saw any mention of kids in your posts. I honestly have greater beef with your MIL and FIL than your SIL. Your SIL obviously is not an emotionally balanced person, but your in-laws are allowing her (who lives several hours away) to dictate their relationship with their other child. That, to me, is the worst of this. Crazy is going to be crazy, but they are allowing/encouraging it. The only way I can see this being about something real (like your husband did something heinous), but they went to your wedding which shows me it isnt. It's just crazy pettiness. My advice? Stop trying to have a relationship with them. I'm not saying cut them off, but stop trying. It literally is not worth it. Holidays, weekends, visits, etc...all of it. Take stock of the people in your life who truly want to be there and treasure them. Blood or not. If your in-laws say something, tell them that you aren't willing to play their games anymore (because it's not just SIL who is playing games.) If they ever want to pursue an actual relationship with you without the games, you are open/available to it. It's time to put your foot down and value your time/energy/emotions much more.