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@BlueWolverine: Maybe I'm sensitive too, but that behavior would not be ok with me at all. I wonder if a parenting therapist/coach could be a worthwhile option too if those angry outbursts are mostly related to parenting frustrations?

Your subject line would probably describe me and DH very well! I'm hyper sensitive, he can get angry fast. It has been a lot better since he started taking anti-anxiety meds though, his stress levels directly affect how he reacts to things.

I know I let the stress of the kids affect me sometimes and will snap at DH since I'm the one getting myself AND 2 kids ready, and he just gets himself ready.
Bed times are often awful because DH is tired/wants to go to bed.. I get the kids ready and we both put them to sleep but DH will snap if it's taking too long - seriously dude you're fully capable of helping!

I think we each have our moments, it's just the times that we are in, the kids will get older and more capable. There will be more alone time to re-charge and relax.

This is also a similar dynamic in our house but awhile ago i decided to absolutely stop feeling responsible for his behavior. So now if this were to happen I’d tell him to knock if off or go away until he was calm. I also told he once he can get on meds or go to therapy but we can’t keep living with his outbursts. When he’s calm I also ask him to think about what he’s teaching our children. But honestly me stopping feeling responsible did a lot because now he can’t blame me

@BlueWolverine: No. DW doesn’t raise her voice or ever slam a door. Kids are frustrating for sure tho. I’m the one who has a hard time controlling my “mean” face lol. But DS notices it and immediately says mom are you mad at me? So I know I really have to cut that out.....your DH needs to be reminded that he doesn’t want to turn into his own parents....

Well.....hm....I would not describe myself as hyper sensitive, and I also would say that those kinds of behaviors from your DH when the kids are already being stressful would not be acceptable to me.

I should also say, my husband is generally speaking a very patient and kind person, so if anyone would be getting stressed in the potty situation you described above, it would be me. But even then, I wouldn't be slamming doors or huffing and puffing about doing all the work (if it was clear I do not do all the work).

I don't think door slamming is something you "perceive"--it either happened or it didn't. It seems like your family just needs more tools in your toolbox. More tools for dealing with your DD in a calm, boundary setting way; more tools with organizing the morning so you are all less stressed when these battles arise; more tools for communication with each other and presenting a united front to the kiddos.

So helpfully, counseling can work on some of those things and you two parents can make a plan in a calm moment, so you are on the same page, and then work together to get it done. Obviously, you have to have 2 willing parties for it to work.

So some sample game plans would be like: When DD is digging in her heels, turn it into a game "Who can hop like a kangaroo to the toilet?" "Who wants to race mommy to pee and wipe and wash (in separate bathrooms)? Who wants to ride on Daddy horse's back to the potty? I am Mommy Robot. Beep Boop Boop. I must help you eliminate. I must help you find a papery substance to clean yourself. I cannot find the paper substance. Please help me locate a papery substance." Like, if she wants to wipe with a tissue or a wipe or hell, an actually piece of paper once, who cares? Just put it in the trash and not the toilet.

We have 1 kiddo who hates getting dressed and has continuous meltdowns about the entire getting ready process. Doesn't want to brush teeth. Doesn't want to have hair brushed. Doesn't want to put new clothes on. Doesn't want shoes and socks. We have to make these things a game, or she will dig in and she will not do any one of those steps without a full on meltdown, including screaming, hitting, biting. After one morning about a year ago when I found myself literally sitting on top of my 2 year old to force her clothes on, I just had a lightbulb moment that this was. not. working. I had to find another way.

It's still a struggle, but now its a more fun, lighthearted struggle.

Also, maybe a game plan can reinforce not threatening punishments that you have no intention of following up on. That kind of thing--threatening to take away the party--is really digging yourself into a hole in terms of parenting. And that doesn't feel good for any of you. You then only have an option of not following through--and then your child won't trust your boundaries in the future because they've learned you don't have any--or you DO have to follow through, and then you're in the position of taking away a whole birthday party that you've put a lot of work into, which hardly seems like an appropriate punishment for a potty problem.

And you can make writing the game plan kind of fun--over a glass of wine after the kids are asleep? Or if these conversations get heated face-to-face, then email or text while you are work. I am so much nicer and more level-headed over email and text with my husband. We negotiate all of our biggest issues through email or text. Sometimes we literally make charts or spreadsheets. It works.

TLDR: I don't think you were necessarily "over reactive" to this situation. I think slamming doors is wrong. At the same time, parenting is hard and triggering and most of us end up repeating behaviors we saw from our own parents when we were growing up. It takes a solid game plan, and a lot of alternate tools in the toolbox to be able to outgrow your gut reactions when parenting your kids. Hopefully your therapist and you two willing parents will work it out.

Good luck! I've definitely been there.

@BlueWolverine: sorry you are dealing with this stressful situation. I don't think you are hypersensitive but I also don't think your DH realizes all the work that goes into planning things like the party. So he genuinely feels like he is doing so much.
This isn't an solution but can you keep a change of clothes in your 6yr olds backpack? My 6 yr old is required to always carry a change of clothes including underwear just in case.
Regarding your husbands behavior i think a good place to start is having ground rules on good you discuss things in front of the kids. Door slamming on front of the kids is not ok and it sounds like your daughter is already picking up some of his behavior

In our house we don’t make threats as punishment just because. Also no to stomping, door slamming and disagreeing in front of T. DH won’t have conflict in front of T but I think a little bit with heatthy quick resolution is fine. Neither of us act how we were taught growing up.

@BlueWolverine: Sorry to hear this and also here to add some commiseration. My DH started therapy recently at my insistence. Basically his rude treatment and angry outbursts were just getting too frequent. I’ve been trying to hold it all together but it feels sometimes like I have two toddlers instead of just one. Like you said, I can’t keep going like this. Therapy has helped him some, and therefore us, and I also go to a therapist for the precise reason of needing objective support for a sometimes unlivable situation. We are not in couples counseling yet because I think there are just some baseline mental health issues that he needs to look at and get some help on. But eventually we will need therapy together to get the moving in the same direction again. For us, it’s two steps forward and one back, so no quick fixes. So that’s the commiseration part.

The other thing I wanted to add is that I’m trying figure out my role on this whole thing. There are some good research and tools out there that basically theorize that we are subconsciously choosing mates that are helping us work out old hurts around intimacy and relationships (i.e those with our moms and dads, typically). And so it’s been interesting for me to try to begin unpacking that. Specifically I’m reading Getting the Love You Want and I’d like to think that we will be able to do a couples retreat later this year to really get the train back on the tracks. Anyway, just sharing some possible new ways to look at the overall issue, in case any of that resonates...

@BlueWolverine: @irene: I like this action of walking away in the moment. It sounds like from the incidents on the weekend that it’s like your DH needs an immediate coping strategy for stressful times that tend to make him react with anger, not that he can talk it out later and the slate gets wiped clean. Of course, it’s on HIM to decide he needs those strategies, not you, but maybe that might be a way to frame it. He can’t explode and then get absolved; he needs to stop the explosion from happening in the first place. Even just replaying your daughters reaction to his anger might be a good way to get him to clue in that kids/you should not be the target here. They absorb everything we do whether good or bad. Have you told your husband your thoughts about separating like you mentioned here? That’s a pretty serious discussion obviously but maybe that might click as well?

None of your DH's behavior would fly, at all, for me in our house. I absolutely would not tolerate DH screaming at our kids, criticizing me in front of the kids, slamming doors, or throwing around huge threats every time he's pissed. I really hope counseling can help him with a huge attitude adjustment and that things can work out.

@PawPrints: totally agree with this. @BlueWolverine: you mentioned your husband was in treatment; do you mean he is taking anti-depressants/anxiety meds? I ask because men often present with anger/aggression when experiencing depression/anxiety issues, but SSRIs (the right type/dose) can often help in addition to counseling/therapy. I'm not a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist, but my husband is medicated for anxiety and it took some adjusting to get him on the right dosage.

@BlueWolverine: Just chiming in to say you aren't alone. My husband is a kind man who would never ever hurt me or the kids, but his reaction to annoyances is often anger and includes stomping and slamming (and going outside to clean up dog poop, do the laundry, etc.) He always calms down and is apologetic, but I dont think he has the tools to deal with it in the moment.

@BlueWolverine: Good that you guys went. And don't take it for granted that your DH agree to go with you. Mine won't.

I kinda have an idea why your DH gets so angry. Again it is something from the parenting class I took. They said that we tend to lose it when we felt that we are losing control, and/or in fear that we are losing control. Parenting is all about that. We *hope* that our kids will turn out to be wonderful people, and even with the best intentions of trying to raise them right, we have absolutely no idea if they will actually get there in 20 years. The process of getting there is so difficult because it wasn't promising half of the time with them not listening, crying, throwing tantrums, making bad choices. As parents we are often in fear as we don't know what we are doing (well at least I don't), and we feel that we don't have control to anything. I realized that this is indeed how I feel when I am extremely mad at DS. I scream when I am scared.

Understanding "why" helps me calm down. We got to learn to let go a bit of the control, and trust that our children will turn out OK. We just have to persist on pulling them back to the right direction consistently for the next 10-20 years. They will eventually get there. In the meantime, calm down and have faith Again, easy to say, super hard to do. We can only try.

ETA:
With my relationship, I tend to be the one who would likely scream at DS, and DH is the one who insisted I shouldn't. This gets us into the downward spiral as DH's mad at me for not being able to keep my cool, and how I am not patient, and not creative in terms of coming up with ways so DS actually listens. Some things he said that hopefully can help with your DH: He said that just remember that your LO is a child. And it takes 10 years, 20 years, of constant reminding and shaping them into the type of person you want them to be. It doesn't happen overnight. If, say, your LO doesn't want to go to the potty, try a different way to talk to them, distract them, convince them.

Another thing DH said which also resonates with me, and is consistent with what the parenting class teaches: When you are about to scream at your children, think about them as teenagers, when screaming would get them to grow away from you. They would choose to talk to other people rather than you when they encounter trouble, and this is how they get in trouble. This also leads to poor relationship with you when they grow to be adults, and then you wonder why your kids never visit or call (precisely the relationship between DH and his parents). Do you want that as your relationship with your children? Remind yourself all that when you are about to scream at them, while walking away, sitting down and taking deep breaths. Hopefully this helps your DH.

@BlueWolverine: My bad! For some reason, I thought this was your first session and was thinking she might want to establish a relationship first.
I had to reassure my husband that we are ok, we just have a few kinks to work out to better understand each other. I think he finally gets that this is really an issue.